Interfering w/ Custody

[wileybunch]

Bottom line...every stepparent / child relationship is different. It is great that you don't have to be so involved. Unfortunately...I do. I am well aware that legally I have no rights, but every order that has been put in place with this situtation...included me. Including coparenting counseling classes. Our judge feels that all parents even stepparents should be involved in the rearing of the children. And imo...I think that is pretty honorable.

I haven't gotten through the whole thread (I see there are at least 2 more pages), but I have to say that my DH also has an order after making an agreement to remedy his ex's contempt that says that the 2 parents would go to a particular co-parenting class and their spouses IF SO DESIRED. The judge recognized it may be appropriate to include the other parent figures, as well. As it turned out, they are trying counseling instead, but I have stayed far and clear from it b/c there are enough issues for Mom and Dad to work on (Mom especially ) that there isn't need for an audience, cheering section, distractions, etc. And, I specifically do not have communications with Mom. Right or wrong, logical or not, and though she acts ****y and bully-ish, in reality she's very threatened by so much and so often it can only set her off even more if she has to face me since DH traded up when he married me. LOL. OK, just kidding (she left him), but seriously there can be that kind of jealousy, too, on parents' parts, psychological things that you just can't relate to when you're a stepparent and were never part of that relationship in the first place. If Mom and Dad can get things on a straighter course, there might not even be much if any need for the steps to be involved in the first place. That said, DH and I see the counselor for our own sessions on dealing with issues created by the ex by herself or through the children. There it is appropriate to be involved, if needed.

 

[StampGirl]

Manulipative and disrepectful?

Explain how, please?

That I ask that the kids don't disrepect thier mothers. I tell them no matter what they still need to love her. Yes sounds so disrepectful and manulipative to me.

Thats not what we are saying at all.

Here is the over-stepping etc that a judge could see: YOU not DAD deal directly with Mom on issues you honestly have no business doing. If Dad doesn't want to do it, then I would seriously take another look at your husband. He needs to take all initiative in dealing with Mom. HE needs to request Mom deals with him and not you. HE needs to make sure the kids are available for visitation even if Mom doesn't show up. HE needs to make sure to communicate everythign with Mom not YOU.

See where I am going with this? We aren't saying you are doing a bad thing. Its great the kids have you who love and care about them. What we are showing you is the other side. I have been on the other side of an overstepping stepmom. Judge told DAD that he needed to grow up and put his Wife in her place. Out in the hallway so we could discuss parental issues regarding OUR kids.

YOu need to just step back, let Dad take control and see what happens. Love the kids etc. Just let Dad and Mom figure their own way into this. They might stumble etc, but they might just figure it out. And if they don't, well the kids will see who is the "mom-figure" in their life. My kids love their Daddy. No question about it. Do they see him for what he really is? Sure. They also love their StepDAD. He is there for them everyday that their Dad isn't. My Ex even appreciates it. Does he try to butt in and take over for me? HELL NO. That is my job.

 

[StampGirl]

I haven't gotten through the whole thread (I see there are at least 2 more pages), but I have to say that my DH also has an order after making an agreement to remedy his ex's contempt that says that the 2 parents would go to a particular co-parenting class and their spouses IF SO DESIRED. The judge recognized it may be appropriate to include the other parent figures, as well. As it turned out, they are trying counseling instead, but I have stayed far and clear from it b/c there are enough issues for Mom and Dad to work on (Mom especially ) that there isn't need for an audience, cheering section, distractions, etc. And, I specifically do not have communications with Mom. Right or wrong, logical or not, and though she acts ****y and bully-ish, in reality she's very threatened by so much and so often it can only set her off even more if she has to face me since DH traded up when he married me. LOL. OK, just kidding (she left him), but seriously there can be that kind of jealousy, too, on parents' parts, psychological things that you just can't relate to when you're an NCP and were never part of that relationship in the first place. If Mom and Dad can get things on a straighter course, there might not even be much if any need for the steps to be involved in the first place. That said, DH and I see the counselor for our own sessions on dealing with issues created by the ex by herself or through the children. There it is appropriate to be involved, if needed.

Amen. Well said. My husband and I have attended co-parentign workshops to deal with our blended families. My Ex and his wife were invited as well by the girls counselor. They chose not to show up because "it didn't pertain to them".

 

[stepmom04]

to bononos again....Nope, not going to do that. Sorry, disagree. Are you actually saying...that a stepparent should not help raise their stepchildren. Can't give them any advice...or be someone they can talk to. I'm not to go to any of thier functions at school. So I should be a stump on a log, just a person that stays in their house. That is stupid IMO. I get not stepping on moms toes....but when moms not there...a stepparent can fill in.

 

[StampGirl]

Nope, not going to do that. Sorry, disagree. Are you actually saying...that a stepparent should not help raise their stepchildren. Can't give them any advice...or be someone they can talk to. I'm not to go to any of thier functions at school. So I should be a stump on a log, just a person that stays in their house. That is stupid IMO. I get not stepping on moms toes....but when moms not there...a stepparent can fill in.

*sigh* Thats not what was said AT ALL.

Listen or read:

Sure you are there to help raise them, love them, comfort them all the things you would do for your own kids. No one is saying thats wrong. What we are saying is that dealing with their Mom when Dad should be the one doing it IS wrong.

I help raise my stepson right along with my husband helping US (meaning their dad and I) raise our kids. Its hard to be a stepparent. Believe me.

What you need to do is back out of the communication between Mom and Dad. DAD needs to be the one who does it, NOT YOU.

 

[wileybunch]

Amen. Well said. My husband and I have attended co-parentign workshops to deal with our blended families. My Ex and his wife were invited as well by the girls counselor. They chose not to show up because "it didn't pertain to them".

I had to go back and edit my post b/c I said "NCP" where I meant to say "stepparent", though, but thanks.

 

[bononos again]

Nope, not going to do that. Sorry, disagree. Are you actually saying...that a stepparent should not help raise their stepchildren. Can't give them any advice...or be someone they can talk to. I'm not to go to any of thier functions at school. So I should be a stump on a log, just a person that stays in their house. That is stupid IMO. I get not stepping on moms toes....but when moms not there...a stepparent can fill in.

No, you should not help raise Step-Children, that's their Parent's job.
Sure, be a friend to talk to, A FRIEND.
DO NOT give advice. Let their PARENT do that.
Go to the functions if their Father is there and they invite you.
When Mom's not there, it's DAD'S job to fill in, not yours.

 

[stepmom04]

They have gone to the counseling sessions without the stepparents. Like I said...it worked out really great, with just them and when I was added. She will not go anymore. Her problem isn't with me overstepping my boundaries.

 

[stepmom04]

Stamp girl...my comment was towards bononos again...read that comment.

 

[StampGirl]

No, you should not help raise Step-Children, that's their Parent's job.
Sure, be a friend to talk to, A FRIEND.
DO NOT give advice. Let their PARENT do that.
Go to the functions if their Father is there and they invite you.
When Mom's not there, it's DAD'S job to fill in, not yours.

THats insane.

When the child lives in your house all the time, how can you NOT parent????? Does that mean my stepson gets to do whatever the heck he likes when his Dad is not there??? HELL NO. There are rules and he better well follow them just like my kids have to. SAme goes for my kids when they are at their Dad and StepMom's house. They have rules and they better follow them or they will be in trouble there and also at home with me.

 

[Humusluvr]

Manulipative and disrepectful?

Explain how, please?

That I ask that the kids don't disrepect thier mothers. I tell them no matter what they still need to love her. Yes sounds so disrepectful and manulipative to me.

Your little typo says it all.

You don't get it. You sound like a beast online. Like a know it all, "I'm better than that other lady" and its MY husband and I just know better BEAST.

If you are at all like you come off online, your hubby is *dooooooomed*

 

[proud_parent]

Stamp girl...my comment was towards bononos again...read that comment.

Oh, the woes of not using the Quote function.

Please use the "Quote" icon to respond to a specific poster. It may help to make your thread easier to follow.

 

[bononos again]

THats insane.

When the child lives in your house all the time, how can you NOT parent????? Does that mean my stepson gets to do whatever the heck he likes when his Dad is not there??? HELL NO. There are rules and he better well follow them just like my kids have to. SAme goes for my kids when they are at their Dad and StepMom's house. They have rules and they better follow them or they will be in trouble there and also at home with me.

It is for you to decide what the rules are. A step is just to inforce them if necessary when the PARENT is not at home. I never said that the kids shouldn't follow the rules of the home.

When children have a babysitter, they are expected to follow the same rules. The sitter is to enforce them. Does that mean the sitter should be having converstaions about sex, periods, the absentee parent? No. That is the PARENT'S job.

 

[StampGirl]

Your little typo says it all.

You don't get it. You sound like a beast online. Like a know it all, "I'm better than that other lady" and its MY husband and I just know better BEAST.

If you are at all like you come off online, your hubby is *dooooooomed*

Yah know what? I think she means well but needs to learn how to stop communicating with Mom and let her husband know its HIS job not hers.

Its hard to find the fine line especailly when your stepkids are the ones who live with you. You need to back off cause you aren't their mom YET they live in your house 90% of hte time and they need to follow rules etc.

She will get there. Just needs to let hubby know that its HIS job to handle the Ex and not hers.

 

[StampGirl]

It is for you to decide what the rules are. A step is just to inforce them if necessary when the PARENT is not at home. I never said that the kids shouldn't follow the rules of the home.

When children have a babysitter, they are expected to follow the same rules. The sitter is to enforce them. Does that mean the sitter should be having converstaions about sex, periods, the absentee parent? No. That is the PARENT'S job.

You need to go back under the rock you crawled out from under.

I am not a babysitter for my stepson and my ex's wife is certainly not their sitter either when they are at their house.

When he talks back to me, do I send him to his room? HELL YES. Do I do it when his dad is there? YES. Why? Becasue he needs to learn that I am not just there for him to walk all over. When he lives in my house and chooses not to follow our rules, there are consequences whether or not his daddy is home or not.