No Parenting Plan

[WillingToFight]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Oregon

My ex and I are in litigation over parenting time for our two teenage children. Up until a few months ago, we shared 50/50 parenting time and joint legal custody. The kids have requested to live full time at their dad's and have not been home with me since the first of April.

After a while, I felt defeated in contesting this arrangement so offered a very reasonable parenting plan that I thought would be well-received. I asked for two weekends a month, minimum GPA performance in order to participate in sports, fire arms safety (for dad) and family counseling participation for the next 12 months through my insurance.

Not only was this proposed parenting plan rejected, the response was completely unreasonable. My ex and children have asked for 100% legal and physical custody, with visitation for me to be worked out directly between the kids and me directly, as the kids decide they want to see me.

Due to the fact that the kids have been adamant about not seeing me, I have to believe they are falling victim to Parental Alienation. I realize my kids prefer their dad's for a number of reasons (close to school, friends and an overall permissive home environment) but their absolute refusal to spend time with me just baffles me.

Their dad is a recovering drug addict so this may also play into their 'fear' of leaving their dad. Their dad also has many other behavioral issues that are undesirable for a parent to have but... such that they are, he is still their dad (an NO, I am not making excuses for him!)

What gets me is that no one in their right mind who knows this man's history would grant him full custody, yet because of my kids' ages, I'm told that the courts place a lot of weight on their expressed wishes.

How the heck can these people be so arrogant as to expect me to agree to such an arrangement and NOT go to a hearing to prevent it from happening?

Does anyone have any experience in custody hearings to have an idea of how a judge would view my ex's actions? I've completed all the court ordered activities and my ex has not. I do know that the judge was just recently made aware of the fact that the kids are making all the decisions and have not had regular visitation with me - he was not pleased. However, I have no idea how he'll view the rest of the information, once we go to hearing.

I have selected one friend as my key witness to provide testimony about my character - as a mother and friend. She's also an active member of CASA (Court Appointed Special Advocates) so I would hope that would enhance her credibility as a witness. I've also asked my attorney for permission to bring in another witness - a woman whose car my ex husband wrecked during a hit and run incident (a moving violation) while my son was in the car, putting him in danger.

If it were within my power, I'd have full custody of my kids and HE could have the alternating weekend visits!

 

[proud_parent]

What are your ex's legal grounds for petitioning to modify custody from the current order to sole legal and physical? What significant change of circumstance does he assert? Is he basing strictly on the status quo and your offer of a plan for much reduced parenting time?

What are the circumstances surrounding you not seeing the children since April? Did you attempt to exercise your parenting time? If so, do you have documentation of those attempts and the outcomes?

 

[WillingToFight]

What are your ex's legal grounds for petitioning to modify custody from the current order to sole legal and physical? What significant change of circumstance does he assert? Is he basing strictly on the status quo and your offer of a plan for much reduced parenting time?

What are the circumstances surrounding you not seeing the children since April? Did you attempt to exercise your parenting time? If so, do you have documentation of those attempts and the outcomes?

My son and I had an argument in April. He was swearing at me, which I made clear I would not tolerate. When he continued, my present husband stepped in and told my son this type of language was not acceptable and he could not talk to his mom (me) like that. My son wouldn't listen and unfortunately, my husband pushed my son to get his attention.

My ex took this incident to file an emergency modification order, asking for 100% parenting time until a new parenting plan could be written. The judge rejected his request but did suggest I agree to a "time out" since there appeared to be a lot of tension in my home (this all relates to Dad's drug abuse and permissiveness, which I have a real problem with.) The "physical abuse" allegation was dismissed as well. It was all very unfortunate and my husband has never been aggressive with my children prior to this event.

Once the kids were in Dad's care, Dad hired an attorney and wanted the temporary stay extended. Basically, he hired an attorney to override the judge's ruling. The attorney also tried to intimidate me by saying he'd file abuse charges if I did not agree to their terms.

The kids were appointed an advocate, whose limitations were set to simply speak on behalf of the kids and not offer an opinion or recommendation. However, for whatever reason, she overstepped this position and recommended to both attorneys that full custody be granted to my ex. She has no idea about his unstable behavior and history.

At this time, all attorneys involved, as well as the judge consider the incident between my son and my present husband a non-issue. The kids have no ill feelings towards my husband (they like him very much and have stated to their attorney that he has always been very good to them.)

I have made several attempts at visitation with my kids. The only outings they've agreed to have been shopping excursions. There was also an occasion where I took my daughter to the doctor. They've missed out on many barbecues, weekend events and family activities. They've all been activities the kids have normally been eager to participate in.

This whole thing stinks...

 

[Ohiogal]

My son and I had an argument in April. He was swearing at me, which I made clear I would not tolerate. When he continued, my present husband stepped in and told my son this type of language was not acceptable and he could not talk to his mom (me) like that. My son wouldn't listen and unfortunately, my husband pushed my son to get his attention.

No. Your husband ASSAULTED your teen son. It is called domestic violence quite frankly.

My ex took this incident to file an emergency modification order, asking for 100% parenting time until a new parenting plan could be written. The judge rejected his request but did suggest I agree to a "time out" since there appeared to be a lot of tension in my home (this all relates to Dad's drug abuse and permissiveness, which I have a real problem with.)

NO. It does not all relate to dad's drug abuse and permissiveness. What evidence do you have of his current drug use?

The "physical abuse" allegation was dismissed as well. It was all very unfortunate and my husband has never been aggressive with my children prior to this event.

But he was aggressive and that is an issue.

Once the kids were in Dad's care, Dad hired an attorney and wanted the temporary stay extended. Basically, he hired an attorney to override the judge's ruling. The attorney also tried to intimidate me by saying he'd file abuse charges if I did not agree to their terms.

That is possible.

The kids were appointed an advocate, whose limitations were set to simply speak on behalf of the kids and not offer an opinion or recommendation. However, for whatever reason, she overstepped this position and recommended to both attorneys that full custody be granted to my ex. She has no idea about his unstable behavior and history.

How do you know she has NO IDEA about his unstable behavior. And who set the limitations?

At this time, all attorneys involved, as well as the judge consider the incident between my son and my present husband a non-issue. The kids have no ill feelings towards my husband (they like him very much and have stated to their attorney that he has always been very good to them.)

How do you know they have no ill feelings towards him?

I have made several attempts at visitation with my kids. The only outings they've agreed to have been shopping excursions. There was also an occasion where I took my daughter to the doctor. They've missed out on many barbecues, weekend events and family activities. They've all been activities the kids have normally been eager to participate in.

Maybe they harbor more ill feelings than you know. Maybe they just don't want to go on "family" outings.

 

[LdiJ]

You stated that the kids are teenagers, but how old are they really?

 

[WillingToFight]

No. Your husband ASSAULTED your teen son. It is called domestic violence quite frankly.

I'm not saying it was right and neither was the judge. What I'm saying is that the judge did not think it was grounds to make a modification by and in itself



NO. It does not all relate to dad's drug abuse and permissiveness. What evidence do you have of his current drug use?

I don't know of his current drug use, but his pee tests can be obtained through my lawyer from the drug treatment center my ex is enrolled in. I know my ex left drugs in the house because his parents AND my kids told me he had. Ex's father had to go over the house with a fine tooth comb before ex returned from in-patient drug rehab in December. He DID find drugs.


But he was aggressive and that is an issue.

I has never happened before and will not happen again. This man has never so much as raised his voice at me or my kids ever before. He drew the line when my son was belligerent with me and regrets the actions he took. He has apologized to both my kids. My kids have told me, their attorney, their father, their grandfather and their father's attorney that they are not afraid of my husband and never have been. The dialog that was entered into the custody modification order was purely their father's. They had no idea he said that - they told me such. All they knew was that dad was asking for full custody, just because it was "easier" on the kids to stay there.




That is possible.




How do you know she has NO IDEA about his unstable behavior. And who set the limitations?

I've asked my attorney whether the kids' attorney has been made aware of the police records. He told me she has not.


How do you know they have no ill feelings towards him?

See answer to above - they have expressed this to several people now. Their attorney told me directly that the kids told her they think he is a good guy.




Maybe they harbor more ill feelings than you know. Maybe they just don't want to go on "family" outings.

I understand playing Devil's Advocate here - but ever try compassion in your posts?

 

[WillingToFight]

You stated that the kids are teenagers, but how old are they really?

Boy is 16 and girl is 14. They are both good kids and would do as they're told, if they were told they had to see me. They've been put in the position to make all the decisions and knowing them, I'm sure this has been overwhelming for them.

 

[Ohiogal]

I understand playing Devil's Advocate here - but ever try compassion in your posts?

Look for OhSweetness to give you all the compassion you want. I can try though -- there there, now now. It will be all better. You are a perfect mommy and have never made any error and definitely don't deserve the big bad judgey-wudgey ruling against you and giving your anything less than total full custody.

how was that?

 

[Isis1]

Look for OhSweetness to give you all the compassion you want. I can try though -- there there, now now. It will be all better. You are a perfect mommy and have never made any error and definitely don't deserve the big bad judgey-wudgey ruling against you and giving your anything less than total full custody.

how was that?

ewww...leave that for ohsweetness and farmgirl....

 

[EstrangedMom]

Look for OhSweetness to give you all the compassion you want. I can try though -- there there, now now. It will be all better. You are a perfect mommy and have never made any error and definitely don't deserve the big bad judgey-wudgey ruling against you and giving your anything less than total full custody.

how was that?

I did not ask for "sweetness" from you or anyone else for that matter. I have been polite here. All I'm suggesting is that you extend the same courtesy.

I don't understand your bitterness and why you feel compelled to use this forum to belittle people you DON'T EVEN KNOW.

Find some joy in your life, honey... and perhaps you'll not feel the need to come online and bash people who are looking for common decency.

 

[proud_parent]

I did not ask for "sweetness" from you or anyone else for that matter. I have been polite here. All I'm suggesting is that you extend the same courtesy.

I don't understand your bitterness and why you feel compelled to use this forum to belittle people you DON'T EVEN KNOW.

Find some joy in your life, honey... and perhaps you'll not feel the need to come online and bash people who are looking for common decency.

EstrangedMom, is this your thread? Are you posting under multiple handles?

 

[WillingToFight]

EstrangedMom, is this your thread? Are you posting under multiple handles?

I unintentionally posted under a different handle. I had forgotten my previous handle and it was still "stamped" on this PC. My apologies... I'll stick to just one handle - this one.

 

[WillingToFight]

Quote:
My ex took this incident to file an emergency modification order, asking for 100% parenting time until a new parenting plan could be written. The judge rejected his request but did suggest I agree to a "time out" since there appeared to be a lot of tension in my home (this all relates to Dad's drug abuse and permissiveness, which I have a real problem with.)

NO. It does not all relate to dad's drug abuse and permissiveness. What evidence do you have of his current drug use?

Yes - the tension DOES have to do with Dad's drug use. The kids have been under tremendous pressure these past few years, hiding their feelings and covering up for their dad when they were finding drugs left out on the coffee table and their dad passed out on the couch or on his bed.

The 'evidence' I have of their Dad's drug use is by his own admission, as well as confirmation from my children abd ex in-laws. There are also drug tests performed by the recovery program. They have ALL seen it and have hidden it from me to keep me from filing a change order. The primary change of circumstances has stemmed from HIS drug addiction.