Kids say they don't have to visit

[WillingToFight]

But why would you want to be "Disneyland mom"? How are your children supposed to think of your home as their home as well if you are always taking them out? Why not do some relaxing things with them at home like movie or game night, baking, stuff like that? Going out is fun, but kids really like the home life type stuff too. You want them to remember you as the nurturing providing a comfy place type mom so that when they get older they will want to come back home to visit and be comforted by mom... Make them feel comfortable in your home and they may want to come over a bit more maybe?

I DO do this. I've tried games, baking, cooking and movies together. The going out idea was so that the kids felt I was making an effort to come into "their" world (meaning their neighborhood).

It's MY home that the kids think of at holiday time and even that was a challenge this year. I did get them for two nights this Christmas however, which was more than I was supposed to get.

This situation has made them extremely spoiled. As one of my friends told me over the phone "They know you're desperate for a relationship with them and are doing everything they can to manipulate the situation to their advantage."

 

[ProSeDadinMD]

..... As one of my friends told me over the phone "They know you're desperate for a relationship with them and are doing everything they can to manipulate the situation to their advantage."

DING DING DING! We have a winner...

 

[WillingToFight]

Why are you letting them dictate? What EXACTLY does your court order state? You should GET IN THE CAR and go get them. End of story. If they don't come, you go back to court.

It was my understanding at the most recent hearing that their attorney has given them the impression that they will not be forced to do anything.

If the kids are already with me and we have a disagreement, they want assurance that they won't be forced to complete the visit. By all means... for my own selfish advantage - I have the option of sending them back to their father's.

 

[summerdawn]

I DO do this. I've tried games, baking, cooking and movies together. The going out idea was so that the kids felt I was making an effort to come into "their" world (meaning their neighborhood).

It's MY home that the kids think of at holiday time and even that was a challenge this year. I did get them for two nights this Christmas however, which was more than I was supposed to get.

This situation has made them extremely spoiled. As one of my friends told me over the phone "They know you're desperate for a relationship with them and are doing everything they can to manipulate the situation to their advantage."

You state in this thread that you can't physically make your children visit, but in another thread you stated this:

Boy is 16 and girl is 14. They are both good kids and would do as they're told, if they were told they had to see me. They've been put in the position to make all the decisions and knowing them, I'm sure this has been overwhelming for them.

So tell your children they HAVE no choice, they will be visiting you whether they like it or not. And everytime dad tries not to send them, call the police to document it so that you can file contempt charges.

 

[WillingToFight]

DING DING DING! We have a winner...

Oops - forgot to add that the same friend told me to cut them off!

 

[summerdawn]

Oops - forgot to add that the same friend told me to cut them off!

Your children?? As in, have no contact with them??

 

[WillingToFight]

You state in this thread that you can't physically make your children visit, but in another thread you stated this:



So tell your children they HAVE no choice, they will be visiting you whether you like it or not. And everytime dad tries not to send them, call the police to document it so that you can file contempt charges.

Actually - after this weekend, I had a terse conversation with my daughter. She told me that she didn't have to see me if she didn't want to. When I tried to call her back (on her cell phone that I pay for) she wouldn't answer. I sent her a message saying "I don't have to pay for your phone." I waited 10 minutes and called back - she answered! Gee!

I told her: You do not get to pick who your mother is and you do not get to pick and choose IF you see me.

This is NOT how I want to talk to my children but I feel I have to draw the line somewhere. Although I sound like a real wimp here, I have not (as a rule) raised my children in the past in this manner. However, being under the microscope of the courts has made me walk on eggshells and fear that every word I exchange with my kids will come back to haunt me.

 

[wileybunch]

Yes - I'm afraid ex will call the police on me. He has been operating like a free agent and seems to think he can get away with what ever he wants.

Like what? I'm still not clear what you are afraid of. What would he tell the police if he called them?

He has already threatened to fild a RO on me for contacting him for non-emergencies. (I'd sent a message earlier, telling him I thought he was lower than low for taking the arrears, rather than using it for his daughter's braces).

If Dad said that *simply* over contacting him about non emergencies, I would say he's blowing smoke. But, you are harassing him, telling him he's "lower than low." Geez, can't you see the difference?!? Your opinion about him doesn't matter to him. Get that through your head! You are still trying to control him, still giving him a report card. He was relieved of that once you all divorced and he does NOT have to be subject to that any more.

I walk on eggshells because he seems to have a talent for making people believe his lies.

First you get your digs in, then you try to make a business communication and you can't figure how the cause-effect you are experiencing came about. And, you are NOT the one walking on eggshells. HE is. You really need to stop. You are not the victim you paint yourself to be and have admitted here that you are a vicious person and perhaps there's more of this if we were to hear Dad's side.

I honestly don't want to hear any more about how scared you are of HIM because if you were, you wouldn't be calling him the "lowest of the low", instigating crap.

I will puff my chest out and be brave and show up... and document any adverse behavior *when it happens (and it will - I guarantee it.)

That is not my advice.
I said to show up for visitation, but since finding out more about you, I'm telling you to stop making this all about you. Even the reference to "puff my chest out" is very telling. I honestly think you are reaping what you sow at this point and it is YOU that needs you change your behavior.

I never want to hear about quid pro quo sorts of things or the idea that one is better than the other because they didn't do XYZ when you have your own list of things you've done and are still doing to keep the pot stirring.

I am having a hard time envisioning that you LOVE your kids enough to stop your pettiness and **** disturbing and do the things that matter the most and restrain yourself on all sorts of other things.

Even on this forum, you've shown a propensity to argue for the sake of being "right" (your cracks to other posters in this thread, for example) when I *thought* you were here for advice on your situation.

I'm sorry, I just don't like parents like you that claim to be desperate, etc. but who actually are part of the problem and refuse to see it.

 

[summerdawn]

Actually - after this weekend, I had a terse conversation with my daughter. She told me that she didn't have to see me if she didn't want to. When I tried to call her back (on her cell phone that I pay for) she wouldn't answer. I sent her a message saying "I don't have to pay for your phone." I waited 10 minutes and called back - she answered! Gee!

I told her: You do not get to pick who your mother is and you do not get to pick and choose IF you see me.

This is NOT how I want to talk to my children but I feel I have to draw the line somewhere. Although I sound like a real wimp here, I have not (as a rule) raised my children in the past in this manner. However, being under the microscope of the courts has made me walk on eggshells and fear that every word I exchange with my kids will come back to haunt me.

Why do you not want to talk to your children this way? You need to establish respect whether you are the custodial parent or not.

 

[WillingToFight]

Your children?? As in, have no contact with them??

Not NO contact, but back up so they can examine what I contribute (in a positive way) to their life.

As a mom... I simply can't do this. And the cell phones, even though they are not a requirement, I'd have no other way of maintaining contact with my kids without them Their dad doesn't have a land line - only a mobile phone... and he's gone a lot. Not to mention - the threat that I'm only allowed to contact him for emergencies, or he'll file a RO

 

[summerdawn]

If Dad said that *simply* over contacting him about non emergencies, I would say he's blowing smoke. But, you are harassing him, telling him he's "lower than low." Geez, can't you see the difference?!? Your opinion about him doesn't matter to him. Get that through your head! You are still trying to control him, still giving him a report card. He was relieved of that once you all divorced and he does NOT have to be subject to that any more.

Not only this, but what he uses the child support arrears on is none of your affairs. I get arrears every year from dad's taxes-I could use them to buy a new hovercraft if I wanted to, and there isn't anything really that dad could say. He's told me many times before "I don't care what you spend the child support on, I know you're taking care of the kids." My child support doesn't just go all to buying them stuff (that would be an outrageous amount of stuff), sometimes it ends up paying a portion of the rent, or sometimes it ends up paying utilities-it is, as a whole, part of my household budget and there isn't really a distinguished different area that I spend "only support" on as opposed to non support. In the end it all goes to the household. You should stay out of his financial affairs.

 

[WillingToFight]

Not only this, but what he uses the child support arrears on is none of your affairs. I get arrears every year from dad's taxes-I could use them to buy a new hovercraft if I wanted to, and there isn't anything really that dad could say. He's told me many times before "I don't care what you spend the child support on, I know you're taking care of the kids." My child support doesn't just go all to buying them stuff (that would be an outrageous amount of stuff), sometimes it ends up paying a portion of the rent, or sometimes it ends up paying utilities-it is, as a whole, part of my household budget and there isn't really a distinguished different area that I spend "only support" on as opposed to non support. In the end it all goes to the household. You should stay out of his financial affairs.

Yes - I understand that what he does with the child support is his business. And in your situation, it appears that your ex acknowledges that you are taking care of your children with the money he sends. My kids are still alive, so I guess he's taking care of them. I get the point.

 

[WillingToFight]

Like what? I'm still not clear what you are afraid of. What would he tell the police if he called them?

If Dad said that *simply* over contacting him about non emergencies, I would say he's blowing smoke. But, you are harassing him, telling him he's "lower than low." Geez, can't you see the difference?!? Your opinion about him doesn't matter to him. Get that through your head! You are still trying to control him, still giving him a report card. He was relieved of that once you all divorced and he does NOT have to be subject to that any more.

First you get your digs in, then you try to make a business communication and you can't figure how the cause-effect you are experiencing came about. And, you are NOT the one walking on eggshells. HE is. You really need to stop. You are not the victim you paint yourself to be and have admitted here that you are a vicious person and perhaps there's more of this if we were to hear Dad's side.

.

I agree that repeated opinionated messages could be construed as harassment. That was a single text message and not how I normally deal with ex. Actually, I prefer to "deal" with him as little as possible. Other than the one zinger, all other messages have been "Here are the upcoming apointments I have scheduled..." or something of similar nature.

I'm sure the feelings are mutual between me and dad and he has his own story. It takes two. No denial on my part.

I honestly don't want to hear any more about how scared you are of HIM because if you were, you wouldn't be calling him the "lowest of the low", instigating crap.

That is not my advice.
I said to show up for visitation, but since finding out more about you, I'm telling you to stop making this all about you. Even the reference to "puff my chest out" is very telling. I honestly think you are reaping what you sow at this point and it is YOU that needs you change your behavior.

What I meant was that I need to be more brave. I know I tend to be sarcastic so will work to refrain from stating things in this manner.

I never want to hear about quid pro quo sorts of things or the idea that one is better than the other because they didn't do XYZ when you have your own list of things you've done and are still doing to keep the pot stirring.

There nothing more that I wish for than to end this war.

I am having a hard time envisioning that you LOVE your kids enough to stop your pettiness and **** disturbing and do the things that matter the most and restrain yourself on all sorts of other things.

Even on this forum, you've shown a propensity to argue for the sake of being "right" (your cracks to other posters in this thread, for example) when I *thought* you were here for advice on your situation.

I'm sorry, I just don't like parents like you that claim to be desperate, etc. but who actually are part of the problem and refuse to see it.

I know that I MUST be part of the problem, or it wouldn't exist. I didn't come here to be liked but DID come here to see how others have dealt with similar situations. Life is all about learning and this period in time is no different for me, my ex OR my children.

I am willing to take the advice of others who have made (or seen) similar mistakes that I've made.

 

[WillingToFight]

I'm sorry - but I see no mention of a discussion with the FATHER of the children (outside of court). Rather, you try to schedule things with the children directly?

Yes - that is correct. The kids have asked (through their attorney) that scheduling be handled directly between them and myself.

 

[TNBSMommy]

(I'd sent a message earlier, telling him I thought he was lower than low for taking the arrears, rather than using it for his daughter's braces).

Actually... Arrears are a reimbursement for money he's already paid on the children. The arrears are not owed to the children, for example, my ex owes roughly 41,000. in arrears. If and when I was to receive that money, it's all mine. I can take it and treat myself to a vacation, new clothes, become an ebay top buyer, any single thing I want. I don't have to spend a penny on the children if I didn't want to, why? B/c I ALREADY spent his portion, all the years he didn't bother paying CS and yet the babies needed a roof over their heads, electricity, food, insurance, clothes, shoes, school supplies, etc etc etc . therefore, it makes the Arrears he owes me, just as much all mine as my income tax check. Not to say the kids wouldn't get just as much a field day out of that money as I would, just making a point, that I don't OWE a single penny of it to them. Of course, what I'd spend the money on is moot point anyway, since I'd probably keel over of shock if I WAS to receive any of it, and the kids would get it anyway...

*k, I'll get off the soapbox*