stepparent adoption

[cajunmomma]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Louisiana

My daughter's "father" moved out of state last year. Right before he moved, he and my daughter got into an arguement because of something between him and his mom. He filed for custody and lost. They reduced his visitation and he has not excercized it since. The last time she saw him or spoke to him was last July.

My husband has been taking care of her with me since she was a toddler. He wants to adopt her and my daughter is ok with it because she calls him Dad and he has been more of a Dad to her anyway.

My question is how do we do this? Can we do this without getting her biodad involved? He did give up the rights to one kid voluntarily about 8 years ago but the case is sealed and the mom died so i dont know if we can use that in court. And the state takes his child support out of his paycheck. Will they still take the child support out of his check?

 

[milspecgirl]

if dad's rights are terminated then he stops being dad- meaning no child support.

What have you done to try to help the relationship between dad and child? As the custodial parent, it is your job to facilitate this relationship. Having her call another man dad isn't facilitating at all.

Since he has been making child support payments, I doubt you will be able to file for abandonment. so, your only choice is to get dad to agree.

 

[haiku]

unless a parent is in arrears the child support stops if someone else adopts thier child because it is legally no longer thier child.

That being said, in your case unless dad voluntarily gives up his rights, your chances of doing this are probably 0....

 

[Antigone*]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Louisiana

My daughter's "father" moved out of state last year. Right before he moved, he and my daughter got into an arguement because of something between him and his mom. He filed for custody and lost. They reduced his visitation and he has not excercized it since. The last time she saw him or spoke to him was last July.

My husband has been taking care of her with me since she was a toddler. He wants to adopt her and my daughter is ok with it because she calls him Dad and he has been more of a Dad to her anyway.

My question is how do we do this? Can we do this without getting her biodad involved? He did give up the rights to one kid voluntarily about 8 years ago but the case is sealed and the mom died so i dont know if we can use that in court. And the state takes his child support out of his paycheck. Will they still take the child support out of his check?

You will not be able to accomplish your goal without Dad's (not bio dad's) approval.

If you decide to go this route and he gives up his rights to this child, do not expect for that child support check to continue.

 

[Proserpina]

Why was visitation reduced?

And from what to what?

 

[cajunmomma]

milspecgirl, my daughter is 15. It's up to her if she wants to call my husband dad. And I cant force her to talk or go see her dad. She's not a kid anymore. I have mailed my ex copies of her report card and sports schedule. I also asked him to donate for her expenses to travel to a track meet up north. He didnt send a dime.

Why was visitation reduced?

And from what to what?

He moved out of state so the judge said the plan we had wouldnt work anymore. He tried appealing the judge's decision but didnt file the papers in time like everything else he does.

When he lived in louisiana he had her every other weekend and we rotated holidays. He also had her every summer with me having her every other weekend and one week of vacation. Now the visitation is supposed to be one weekend every other month here in the town he used to live in because I did not want her traveling out of state by herself on a plane especially when i didnt know what kind of conditions he's living in. He is supposed to give me a week's notice of when he wants to take that weekend. He has never used the new visitation plan.

 

[Proserpina]

milspecgirl, my daughter is 15. It's up to her if she wants to call my husband dad. And I cant force her to talk or go see her dad. She's not a kid anymore. .

No it's NOT up to her, yes she IS a kid, and yes you CAN be the parent and explain to her the reality of the situation - that being, SHE doesn't get to call the shots.


Be the parent here for crying out loud.

 

[haiku]

milspecgirl, my daughter is 15. It's up to her if she wants to call my husband dad. And I cant force her to talk or go see her dad. She's not a kid anymore.Way to go mom, at 15 she IS still a kid, I bet you don't let her call the shots for everything she does in life and this is no dfferent. I have mailed my ex copies of her report card and sports schedule. I also asked him to donate for her expenses to travel to a track meet up north. He didnt send a dime.if it is not stipulated, he is under no obligation to pay any extra. He is already paying his support


He moved out of state so the judge said the plan we had wouldnt work anymore. He tried appealing the judge's decision but didnt file the papers in time like everything else he does.ok

When he lived in louisiana he had her every other weekend and we rotated holidays. He also had her every summer with me having her every other weekend and one week of vacation. Now the visitation is supposed to be one weekend every other month here in the town he used to live in because I did not want her traveling out of state by herself on a plane especially when i didnt know what kind of conditions he's living in. He is supposed to give me a week's notice of when he wants to take that weekend. He has never used the new visitation plan. What does your visitation paperwork say about this. Frankly at 15, there is no reason your child cannot fly alone, and his living conditions are not really your business and the child is well old enough to speak up for herself even so

All that being said, there is still no basis for adoption presented here, because dad does not sound like he would willingly do it, and hasn't done anything to warrant it involuntarily. It also sounds like you and your new husband like that child support you do get, way to much.

I suggest your daughter get counseling, THAT might be a good use of the money especially if this started over something that didn't have to do with her (argument between him and his mother?).

 

[stealth2]

Right before he moved, he and my daughter got into an arguement because of something between him and his mom.

And what business of hers is her Dad's relationship with his mother? Oh yeah - none. At her age, she should have been told to sit down and be quiet.

milspecgirl, my daughter is 15. It's up to her if she wants to call my husband dad. And I cant force her to talk or go see her dad. She's not a kid anymore.

Yeah, actually, she IS a kid. Still. And will be until she's 18. As her parent, it's your responsibility to facilitate a relationship between her and Dad. Not your new may-un.

I have mailed my ex copies of her report card and sports schedule. I also asked him to donate for her expenses to travel to a track meet up north. He didnt send a dime.

Nor is he required to. That's what child support goes to, in part. If you can't afford to cover that expense? Then she doesn't go. Period.

When he lived in louisiana he had her every other weekend and we rotated holidays. He also had her every summer with me having her every other weekend and one week of vacation. Now the visitation is supposed to be one weekend every other month here in the town he used to live in because I did not want her traveling out of state by herself on a plane especially when i didnt know what kind of conditions he's living in. He is supposed to give me a week's notice of when he wants to take that weekend. He has never used the new visitation plan.

At her age? She's more than old enough to fly alone. And since she apparently has a mouth on her - which you've encouraged - she's surely able to say something if the conditions are unsafe.

Seriously - time to take Princess out of the hothouse.

 

[milspecgirl]

and at 15, it's a whole lot easier for them to understand why calling someone who isn't their father "dad" is a wrong thing. Explaining it to a 3yo- very difficult, but at 15, I am assuming she can understand logic.

So, you tell daughter that man2 is NOT her dad and that she needs to call him man2 or daddyman2 or whatever. My daughter (15) came up with a nickname for her stepdad and it works great.

Call dad and tell him that if he wants to buy a ticket you will put daughter on the plane because it is important for him and the child to have a relationship and that she needs her dad. If conditions are horrid when she gets there- I'm sure she will tell you and everyone else who listens.

How often hae you encouraged the child to call dad, write him a letter, email, webcam, send him pictures? That is your job. At 15, she will need prodding to do the right thing because there is always something "more important" to do. You have to make her understand that there is nothing more important than reestablishing this relationship with her dad (that obviously used to be good). Once they have their relationship back on track- she won't need the prodding anymore.

And no matter what- don't you or man2 make this child feel guilty for trying to reestablish this relationship. Encourage her and NEVER say a bad word about him. This is her father and she is 1/2 of him. How will she feel about herself if she knows that you dislike the person that makes up 1/2 of her?

 

[Gracie3787]

My question is how do we do this? Can we do this without getting her biodad involved? He did give up the rights to one kid voluntarily about 8 years ago but the case is sealed and the mom died so i dont know if we can use that in court. And the state takes his child support out of his paycheck. Will they still take the child support out of his check?

1. You do this by: getting your daughter's FATHER ( NOT "father") to agree to an adoption. Or, hire an attorney, go to court to try to have his rights involuntarily terminated (which would almost certainly be denied after you have spend thousands of $).

2. NO, your daughters FATHER has to be notified, you cannot legally do anything behind his back because he has legal rights.

3. Him voluntarily giving up his rights to another child has absolutely no legal bearing on your case at all. so, no, you cannot use that in court.

4. Uh, IF his rights are terminated either by choice or by courtr order, ALL CS WILL STOP. You cannot have your cake and eat it too, you don't want him to be her father, but you apparently want his money, ain't gonna happen.

Go get a consult with a local adoption attorney who will tell you the same thing we have all said.

 

[cajunmomma]

I have asked her if she wants to call her father or email him. She has said she doesn't want to talk to him and that my husband is more of a dad to her then my ex is. What am I supposed to do call him and put her on the phone and force her to open her mouth?

Because some of you are so noisy the arguement was because his mother was fighitng him for custody of a younger daughter (not mine but my daughter's halfsister). She asked my daughter to tell the court what kind of living conditions my ex has in his house. My ex was mad and said i shouldnt have gotten her involved but his mom's attorney subpenaed me and my daughter. I couldnt go against a subpena.

The visitation plan says the hearing officer recommended one weekend every other month in Louisiana. My ex said he wanted visitation to be where he lives and that he would not excersize visitation until my daughter had been cleared by a psychologist because he was "afraid that she would make false claims against (ex) and his fiancee', thus putting his other minor children in danger" That is what he wrote in the court papers. I am not taking my child to a psychologist because she doesnt need it. She needs her father to man up and stop being mad at her for just wanting to speak the truth so her halfsister would be safe.

I dont see why I should encourage her to have a relationship with someone who told the hearing officer in my case that she lies a lot and he thought she need a psychological evaluation. My child is fine and has never lied to me and she is in a loving home with two parents who care about her. Why should I force her to go through the trama of seeing him?

And I dont need the child support thank you very much but I dont see why he should be let off the hook.

 

[Proserpina]

I have asked her if she wants to call her father or email him. She has said she doesn't want to talk to him and that my husband is more of a dad to her then my ex is. What am I supposed to do call him and put her on the phone and force her to open her mouth?

How about you discipline her? Restrict access to phone? Computer? Other privileges?

Explain that she does NOT get to call the shots?

I dont see why I should encourage her to have a relationship with someone who told the hearing officer in my case that she lies a lot and he thought she need a psychological evaluation. My child is fine and has never lied to me and she is in a loving home with two parents who care about her. Why should I force her to go through the trama of seeing him?

And I dont need the child support thank you very much but I dont see why he should be let off the hook.

Because that is your LEGAL obligation - you have a LEGAL obligation to facilitate the relationship between child and parent. Of course, a teenager will never lie to the other parent or even dare to use manipulation, right?

It's true that your child has two parents.

Your husband is not one of those parents.

 

[milspecgirl]

wow? you have a 15 year old who never lies? congrats! you have a 15 yo who has never tried to manipulate a situation?

You DO NOT know that she hasn't lied a lot and been like a different person when she is with him. He may have a valid reason for wanting that evaluation.

And really- what would it hurt? She obviously has to have some issues after the whole fight with her dad, grandma court case, stepdad wanting to adopt, not feeling like dad cares, etc. Maybe a counselor would be a good idea. i have never known it to hurt anyone. And really, at 15 it could be very helpful.

She does not have 2 parents at home. She has mom and stepdad. stepdad is not her legal parent and from experience- if you push this adoption in court and the judge finds out stepdad has been acting as dad- stepdad is going to get a major tongue lashing from the judge and a court order to cease interfering.

And he would get off the hook for child support because you don't want him to be dad anymore. You don't get to have your cake and eat it too. He is either dad- with rights and responsibilities or he isn't.

 

[dannyt]

your hubby is not dad

She does not have 2 parents at home. She has mom and stepdad. stepdad is not her legal parent and from experience- if you push this adoption in court and the judge finds out stepdad has been acting as dad- stepdad is going to get a major tongue lashing from the judge and a court order to cease interfering.

.

not to mention you can end up losing custody not only for allowing your daughter to refuse to see her dad( not your husband) but also for allowing her to call a legal stranger( and thats excatly what your husband is) dad.parental alienation, which is what youre doing, will not sit well with a judge, parents have been known to lose custody for that.your daughter has one dad and its not your husband.