Step parent adoption

[Kevin23]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Texas


My story is very complicated, me and my wife have been together for 8 almost 9 years, we have 2 children 9 & 6. I am not the biological father of the 9 year old but he is unaware. I have been there since he was a year old, his bio-dad is not in his life since the day he left and has never paid a dime in child support. We have begun the adoption process and want to complete ASAP. He is beginning to wonder why his last name is different. The home study suggest that we tell him that I am not his father, I have strong reservations about this as I feel only adverse consequences could result. If he took it ok then that would be great but if he does not then I can't take it back, so I have major concerns with the suggestion to inform him of the adoption. I feel this would turn his world upside down and then we are left to pick up the pieces after the court walks away. I don't think that is fair to our family. Everything is currently great and I feel if we just went through and changed his name that everything would be fine and our family could move past this. I personally don't see why we are being pushed to tell him this, had we done this process 3 years ago this would not be an issue but now it is and I don't feel that is fair. My attorney does not seem to be on our side about this and we are coming up on a year that this adoption has been filed. I think a new home study is going to need to be completed because it is taking so long. The bio-dad was served and never responded, so it is not like he is contesting it.

What are our options and do we really have to tell him this when I have been his father to him since he was a year old. He knows know different, he calls me dad and the entire family refers to me as his dad.

 

[justalayman]

The fault in that theory is that as the child gets older, when he is aware of his birth certificate, if you have not adopted him there will be either no father or the legal father listed (you haven't said whether the bio father was ever legally established as the father). Then, how are you going to explain why his name was different but now (if the adoption is successful) his name changed? You said he already realizes he has a different last name. I can only guess that you have allowed the child to believe you are his father.

These are questions most children will ask as they get older. Your answer would be what?

What are our options and do we really have to tell him this when I have been his father to him since he was a year old.

well right there is your problem. You have not been his father since he was a year old. You were the father figure. You stood in for the real father. Whatever you want to call it but no, you were not the father.


You now have a chance to start to make things right or you can wait until the child gets older and realizes you lied to him. You think it will be tough now? Just wait for when a rebelious teen finds out you and his mother lied to him for year upon year upon year and only told him the truth when you could no longer hide the truth.

 

[Kevin23]

We have already filed for the adoption 7 months ago. The attorneys are dragging it out for some reason, the birth certificate gets changed when the adoption is complete. The intention is this be a closed adoption. My wife was previously married so in Texas the child of a marriage is automatically presumed to be a result of that marriage. No DNA test required to establish paternity. So the bio-dad is listed on the birth cert now, a new cert would be issued with my name on it. The intention is to complete this before he gets too old which I am afraid may be too late. My wife has never taken my name so he would not be the only one with a different name. So it is odd but does not jump out at him that it is a big deal. He just thinks that he has moms name cause we were not married when he was born.

If it ever came down to it I would say that moms was married before and not divorced when he was born so he got her ex husbands name cause that is the law in Texas. It actually is, had my wife cheated with me on him and gotten pregnant with my child then he could have or would have been listed as the father cause they were married. This did not happen though as they were divorced once we got together but he does not know any of this. He does not even know she was married before me.

The goal is to change his name before he begins to question too much, the intention is that he never knows I am not his real father. So we don't intend to have that conversation with him till he is an adult.

The rebellious teen is what we are trying to avoid. If you tell him know can you guarantee he won't rebel in 2-3 years? No and I can't say he won't either. But he already believes I am his father, if he changes his name then more than likely this won't even come up again. The home study already spoke to him about changing his name and he don't talk about it. He already knows we are working to change it.

Call me the father figure or what ever you want, what is the difference? Especially when the child don't know your not his bio-father? I have been the man there taking him to school, sports, and supporting him in the absence of the loser that had nothing to do with him since he was born. 9 years and not a dime in child support, not visits, no birthday or Christmas cards, nothing. So I think i have earned the father title, I was the one changing his diapers 8 years ago.

A 2 year old don't understand that a man has a different name than him and is not his dad, all he knows is this man is there that I call dad. What is the point in a closed adoption?

 

[stealth2]

So. What will you do if, when the child is older, he requires some type of genetic testing for a medical procedure and discovers you and Mom lied to him?

 

[justalayman]

So basically you intend on lying to him until he is an adult.


I can see the conversation


In your best darth Vader voice; kid, I am not your father


Kid; NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
It isn't true. You're saying you lied to me all these years. I trusted you. I don't know if I can ever again.


But hey, it's (not) your kid.

Your lawyer advises against it
Whomever did the home study suggested against it

You obviously came here looking for support to argue your position. I don't think you'll find it here.

 

[Kevin23]

So. What will you do if, when the child is older, he requires some type of genetic testing for a medical procedure and discovers you and Mom lied to him?

What does any closed adoption do in that situation?


"The goal is to change his name before he begins to question too much, the intention is that he never knows I am not his real father. So we don't intend to have that conversation with him till he is an adult. "

I mentioned this already, yes as an adult he might get upset and have issues with the fact that we lied but this could happen to any child that is In a closed adoption. The fact is that adults have a much more developed ability to rationalize and reason, once you are past the most crucial and critical years of your life, teenage through college you can handle this type of information much better.

We will cross that bridge if it comes.

Why does everyone seems to think that a closed adoption is a bad thing, and keep what if'ing me?

Why does everyone seem to interject non legal advice on a legal forum?

What if the world ends tomorrow?

Can I get someone to respond on here that know what they are talking about or actually understands what I am trying to accomplish?

I mean seriously, if us wanting to keep this from him is such a bad thing why does the legal system allow for closed adoptions at all?

 

[Kevin23]

So basically you intend on lying to him until he is an adult.


I can see the conversation


In your best darth Vader voice; kid, I am not your father


Kid; NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
It isn't true. You're saying you lied to me all these years. I trusted you. I don't know if I can ever again.


But hey, it's (not) your kid.

Your lawyer advises against it
Whomever did the home study suggested against it

You obviously came here looking for support to argue your position. I don't think you'll find it here.

Glad your not an attorney either, and have no expired with this, why are you even on an adoption forum if you have no experience with it?

Again you try to ignore the fact that closed adoptions take place everyday and children grow up in this exact situation if not living with two parents that are not biologically theirs.

I'm glad that you did not have to grow up in this situation and find this humorous. You obviously have no children of your own.

 

[not2cleverRed]

"Closed adoption" doesn't mean secret adoption. Most of the adopted kids I knew growing up KNEW they were adopted, and in that era almost all adoptions were "closed" - the birth records sealed, no knowledge of who their biological parents were.

And seriously, why all the secrecy?

You're a loon.

Why the heck have you been lying to this kid? The truth would be a lot easier.

 

[Proserpina]

What does any closed adoption do in that situation?

They don't lie to the child, and they don't make adoption out to be something shameful, something which shouldn't be discussed. The responsible adoptive parents make sure the child knows the truth from the earliest age possible, and if they don't know how to approach it there are plenty of resources to help them explain in age-appropriate terms.

"The goal is to change his name before he begins to question too much, the intention is that he never knows I am not his real father. So we don't intend to have that conversation with him till he is an adult. "

In other words, the goal is to keep lying to him. That's very, very sad.

I mentioned this already, yes as an adult he might get upset and have issues with the fact that we lied but this could happen to any child that is In a closed adoption. The fact is that adults have a much more developed ability to rationalize and reason, once you are past the most crucial and critical years of your life, teenage through college you can handle this type of information much better.

We will cross that bridge if it comes.

Why does everyone seems to think that a closed adoption is a bad thing, and keep what if'ing me?

Why does everyone seem to interject non legal advice on a legal forum?

What if the world ends tomorrow?

Can I get someone to respond on here that know what they are talking about or actually understands what I am trying to accomplish?

I mean seriously, if us wanting to keep this from him is such a bad thing why does the legal system allow for closed adoptions at all?

Closed adoption does not and should not mean "we shall never tell you about your birth parent/s". Are you unfamiliar with the actual terminology?

There is no reason whatsoever that he couldn't have been made aware as a very young child that he had a daddy who made him and a daddy who raised him.


Really.

 

[Proserpina]

Glad your not an attorney either, and have no expired with this, why are you even on an adoption forum if you have no experience with it?

Again you try to ignore the fact that closed adoptions take place everyday and children grow up in this exact situation if not living with two parents that are not biologically theirs.

I'm glad that you did not have to grow up in this situation and find this humorous. You obviously have no children of your own.

And well-adjusted adoptees know the truth from very early on.

You really don't see what you're doing, do you? You honestly can't see that you're teaching him that his history is something to be ashamed of?

 

[justalayman]

Glad your not an attorney either, and have no expired with this, why are you even on an adoption forum if you have no experience with it?

Again you try to ignore the fact that closed adoptions take place everyday and children grow up in this exact situation if not living with two parents that are not biologically theirs.

I'm glad that you did not have to grow up in this situation and find this humorous. You obviously have no children of your own.

Who said I don't have any experience with it?

I, your attorney, whomever did the home study all believe you are heading down the wrong path. Children are resilient. I believe a child will respect a parent if they are honest when they start asking questions. Once you let them become adults, it's simply that you lied the child's entire life.

Why bother asking anybody their opinion if you don't want an opinion contrary to yours? Your attorney and the home study people do have experience with this and they are telling you to tell the child. What else do you need?

 

[Proserpina]

The best gift that you can give that little boy right now? Your honesty.

Don't forget that even if it's an uncontested petition, the judge has the final say over whether this adoption will or will not go ahead. Best interests come into play - and you've already got one legal professional advising you to tell this child the truth. Could it perhaps be that the attorney has seen this all before? And just might have an inkling of how this can be perceived in court?

 

[Kevin23]

Who said I don't have any experience with it?

I, your attorney, whomever did the home study all believe you are heading down the wrong path. Children are resilient. I believe a child will respect a parent if they are honest when they start asking questions. Once you let them become adults, it's simply that you lied the child's entire life.

Why bother asking anybody their opinion if you don't want an opinion contrary to yours? Your attorney and the home study people do have experience with this and they are telling you to tell the child. What else do you need?

Actually my attorney has not told me to, I said "my attorney does not seem to be on my side" meaning that they are saying it will be easier to do everything the home study requests but it is not required. We can still go to the judge and then appeal if the desired outcome is not achieved.

Let's tell all the children of the world there is not Santa or Easter bunny while we are at it!

I'm asking for an option for someone with actual experience, not the opinion of a potato farmer!

And that is the point of a closed adoption which I have been a part of in the past. That is was the birth certificate is changed to have the name of the adopted parent as the birth parent, if that was not the point and it was expect you tell a child that then why would the court go through the problem of issuing a new birth certificate? I'm glad there are so many on here quick to offer advice but most of you have not thought you logic through and just spout out stuff after reading a thread for 5 minutes, me and my wife have had several hours if not days of discussions about this over the past 8 years. For Pete sake the chikds own mother does not want to tell him. I guess we are all crazy right?

I guess we are bad parents for telling the kids Santa brought them presents too!

 

[Kevin23]

The best gift that you can give that little boy right now? Your honesty.

Don't forget that even if it's an uncontested petition, the judge has the final say over whether this adoption will or will not go ahead. Best interests come into play - and you've already got one legal professional advising you to tell this child the truth. Could it perhaps be that the attorney has seen this all before? And just might have an inkling of how this can be perceived in court?

Perhaps but against my advice my wife selected an attorney that was referred to her by a friend. A divorce attorney that has done 1 adoption in the past so actually this attorney has minimal experience is this and has actually told us to do what the home study said because they don't really have experience in this. Unfortunately my wife paid this attorney in full before getting all this info, that is why I am on here asking for actual legal adivce before I terminate the attorney and replace with one with more adoption experience.

 

[Kevin23]

If you want something done right you have to do it yourself, I advised my wife to find the attorney that made the largest campaign contribution to the judges election campaign. She took the easy route and used her friends divorce attorney, now she is paying cause we have an attorney with no adoption exp and no relationship,with the judge.