How to get out?

[falexander88]

She told me last night that shes ready and wants to leave. She just wants to make sure it won't harm her daughter and this Dv case isn't issue. I am getting information so shes confident in leaving. Again, you're making assumptions.

It human to say I would like to travel by car to Oregon. You then, plan your route, look at a map, take days off.... if we go through the steps, get her information, provide her the route and she decides to stay at home, then I'll call it a lost cause and leave her on her own.

A fr

Please tell me this is a metaphor!

Do not advise her to cross state lines - not even as a metaphor. Crossing state lines - heck, crossing county lines could cause her legal problems, especially with a pending court case. I'm pretty sure she doesn't want to be limited to seeing her child only on supervised visitation at her expense.

You have to find resources for her in her current community.

* See if she can get DV help/therapy locally.
* If she does leave, she needs to file for custody/visitation.
* She should only leave the state after she has a court order allowing her to take the child with her.

Metaphor. No one is crossing state lines.

 

[not2cleverRed]

A fr

Metaphor. No one is crossing state lines.

Good! Someone I know from local mother's groups did take her kids back to her hometown halfway across the country and filed a restraining order from there. It took the dad 9 months, but he got a court order establishing his address as residential for school purposes, and the law guardian told the mom she was lucky to have any custody at all. She thought the judge very unfair, but the same judge was very kind to me, granted me a temporary restraining order and sic'd CPS on my now ex - which ultimately led to a very different parenting plan. It really mystified our mutual friends who had not been through this.

 

[falexander88]

I was just trying to paint the picture. It's not a pool you just jump into with a plan and resources and support. I was trying to illustrate that she may have felt alone until now.

 

[PayrollHRGuy]

She told me last night that shes ready and wants to leave. She just wants to make sure it won't harm her daughter and this Dv case isn't issue. I am getting information so shes confident in leaving. Again, you're making assumptions.

It human to say I would like to travel by car to Oregon. You then, plan your route, look at a map, take days off.... if we go through the steps, get her information, provide her the route and she decides to stay at home, then I'll call it a lost cause and leave her on her own.

If in your metaphor not traveling to Oregon means to continue to have your self and your child in an abusive situation you, in fact, shouldn't spend much time planning your route. You leave, point your car in the general direction of Oregon, drive safe place and then pull out the map.

 

[stealth2]

See - there's your problem. SHE doesn't want to leave. Until SHE decides to leave, you really can't do much. Sad but true...

That really is the crux of the matter. Take her to a lawyer who can look at the RO and find out exactly where she stands and can tell her what her options are, and will know what questions to ask her. And then it is up to her.

ETA: Many of those responding have been in either her shoes or yours.

 

[Zigner]

ETA: Many of those responding have been in either her shoes or yours.

...and some in both.

 

[PayrollHRGuy]

You seem to have on blinders since pretty much everyone else that has replied to you has said the same thing I have.

 

[falexander88]

That really is the crux of the matter. Take her to a lawyer who can look at the RO and find out exactly where she stands and can tell her what her options are, and will know what questions to ask her. And then it is up to her.

ETA: Many of those responding have been in either her shoes or yours.

I agree. I ordered a copy of the RO. I'll know later today when I'm off work. This will help us be better inform about her rights to take the child.

 

[Zigner]

I agree. I ordered a copy of the RO. I'll know later today when I'm off work. This will help us be better inform about her rights to take the child.

Frankly, you should not be doing this. I understand that you are being helpful, but what you are proposing is actually the unlawful practice of law. Laws against non-lawyers advising people on legal matters are in place to protect people from receiving potentially harmful information, such as what you may end up providing due to your ignorance of the law. Help your friend pay for an attorney's time. Heck, a local woman's shelter may even have an attorney there who does pro-bono work in this type of situation.

 

[falexander88]

You seem to have on blinders since pretty much everyone else that has replied to you has said the same thing I have.

And others have brought more important information to my attention. Like if the RO states she cant take the child then she risks losing her child. The abuse isn't a threat of life ... yet so we are just assessing before acting.

 

[Zigner]

And others have brought more important information to my attention. Like if the RO states she cant take the child then she risks losing her child. The abuse isn't a threat of life ... yet so we are just assessing before acting.

Yes, and that is a GREAT example of how your lack of knowledge can potentially cause serious harm (financial and legal) to your friend. Be there for her, encourage her, but don't try to advise her on her legal matters.

EDIT: Your last sentence shows that she's nowhere near ready to leave.

 

[falexander88]

Frankly, you should not be doing this. I understand that you are being helpful, but what you are proposing is actually the unlawful practice of law. Laws against non-lawyers advising people on legal matters are in place to protect people from receiving potentially harmful information, such as what you may end up providing due to your ignorance of the law. Help your friend pay for an attorney's time. Heck, a local woman's shelter may even have an attorney there who does pro-bono work in this type of situation.

I've pulled up that info too and we are scheduling a meeting. How exactly am I practicing law? I'm reading a public document which will help me decide if I say "absolutely, you and your daughter can come stay with me, let's go." Or "we should take you straight to an authority that can tell you what to do." I'm gathering information.

 

[falexander88]

Yes, and that is a GREAT example of how your lack of knowledge can potentially cause serious harm (financial and legal) to your friend. Be there for her, encourage her, but don't try to advise her on her legal matters.

EDIT: Your last sentence shows that she's nowhere near ready to leave.

You can assume all you want man. If getting all mightier than thou makes you feel better, go for it. I haven't done or decided anything for her and I have found legal counsel for her...

 

[stealth2]

"we should take you straight to an authority that can tell you what to do."

This should be what you tell her. Period.