A childs tear

[StickyFingers]

What is the name of your state? Florida

I have another thread ....but it is not important..this is!!!..Iam separated from my spouse. I have an order of protection through the commonwealth of Mass. but registered in dade county FL where I now reside.The order has me listed custody of our 2 sons (3 and 5), and prevents him from contacting me or the children(he's a horrible phisically abusive man).My son crawls up in my lap and cries..that his daddy doesn't love him and he misses his daddy.They hold thier daddy on a pedistool...why?.. I dont know.. because thier dady has not only ignored them(when he is mad at me)but has thrown my 5 yr old up against a wall(when he was 3) when (my 5 yr old)tried to stop my husband from putting a 2and a half inch goose egg on the back of my head. I love our children...I don't want to see them hurt....

My question is the order of preotection keeps him from contacting us(but he has anyway)...If I allow my child to talk to him am i in violation of the order of protection?.....Is it null and void if I allow them to call my (hopefully)...X

 

[tigger22472]

First off a little advice... It doesn't matter how old they get, most of the time it doesn't matter what they have done... children still hold on to the hopes of a relationship even with a disinterested or abusive parent. I see that no only in my children (9and12)... but my BIL (he's 21) and even my own father who is now 55 and his father passed away over 20 years ago. My grandfather walked out on my grandmother when my dad was 7 and he had two younger sisters. Later in life he had a relationship with is father and although he says he never forgave him you couldn't tell. They can all say things behind their backs but when it comes down to it... very few have the courage to say something to their face. That could be our fault.. we teach our kids to respect their elders.

Secondly to address your issue of the PO. I had one against my ex. My question to you is does the order specifically name the children or does it simply say anyone in your household? Mine said the latter. My ex's sister offered to take the kids to her house and my ex came there so neither of us had to see each other and although technically by working it was violating the judge made it clear that he doesn't agree with them including children unless a real danger has been proven to come to them. If you question this then contact the courthouse and ask. If you don't think there is a danger see if you too can find someone that you can take the children to and will play mediator.

 

[mrseld]

If I had a doubt in my mind and you already know about him being physically abusive, then there is NO WAY I would feel comfortable telling you to leave him with your children. I know it hurts their feelings, but better that than what could happen if your ex flies into a rage again.

And as far as for someone othr than you supervising the visits, what makes you think they can control him or he won't have an outburst at their home? Your ex has issues that don't need to be witnessed or exprienced by your boys. Unless I had a court order that said I had to let him see them or I'd be put before a firing squad, then he wouldn't be seeing them unless supervised by some place that handled such situations.

We have a place in my town called The Exchange Club. That's where supervised visitations take place, court ordered. Does he have a court ordered visitation schedule or is he just out of luck due to the restraining order?

My two step-kids (9 and 12) adore their mother. She left one night after my husband had an arugment with her. (He caught her on telephone with the guy she had been cheating on him with). One child was 3 yrs. old and one child 10 months when she left. They did not see her or hear from her for a year. After that, she would sporatically show up at all hours of the day or night at the residence of my husband asking to see the kids. She would come by once every 3 to 6 months. Sometimes she even brought her "new" boyfriend, whomever that happened to be at the time. She would drive her car up into the front yard of our house (after we were married) and scream obscenities at the house trying to get us to come out. The kids would grab us around the waist and legs and cry and become histerical.

One day I had taken my step-son (he was about 5) to the local McDonald's to pick up some lunch. His bio mom spotted us and drove up into the parking lot. She jumped out of her car and came running up to me screaming, "Hit me you b- - - h! I'll let you have the first swing!" My step-son looked at me and said, "Are you going to hit my mom?" I said, "No." He said, "Then what are we going to do? I've seen her to this with dad. It could last a long time." I said, "We are going to go inside McDonald's, we're going to order our lunch, take it home and enjoy the rest of our day." And we left her standing in the parking lot yelling (with everyone staring) and continued with what we had come to do.

She has sent us ugly letters, called our house day and night -we've changed our number 3 times - and refused to pay her court ordered child support. She only addresses me by the name of "b - - - h" and tells the kids that she hopes their father "burns in hell". I tell the kids that when we go to church we need to pray for their mother and that we can't control what other people think, say or do. I tell them that we have to try to be on our best behavior and not let words hurt us.

Even though they have witnessed this and MUCH MORE, everytime she shows up for a visit (even if it's only for 30 minutes) you'd think Jesus has come down from Heaven. They smile as they run to hug her and tell her how much they love her......it's sickening. In the meantime, I get the thankless jobs that go along with being a parent (washing clothes, sitting up at night with sick kids, etc.) She only shows up for the smiles and the fun.

Some kids just let their parents do anything and everything because they are holding out hope that eventually things wil improve I guess. Who knows? I was not a chid of divorce. My parents were married for 38 years until my father died so I have no idea what it's like to be a chid in this position. I can only speculate.

My final thought to you: PROTECT YOUR BOYS. It hurts to see them upset or break down and cry, but just tell them that for now, this is the best way for things to be. It's better to be safe than sorry.

 

[StickyFingers]

Thanks for sharing your stories.

The OP specifically names the children and that he is not to have any contact with them in any way. I dont honestly believe he would hurt the kids.....physically,..however he has been known to talk trash about me to them and question them about my activities and who they have seen me talking to.He resides in SC with his mom(which is exactly where he needs to be). I have recently moved fom my previous FL address. He does not know where it is, but I know this day and age it probably wouldnt be hard to find out. My heart just breaks they ask where is daddy...and all I can tell them is he is at work. ( he is a traveling construction worker) I just dont know if i would be screwing myself if I let them talk on the phone to him.The OP is valid until 3-31-04....I'm just caught with my heart melting wanting to make my kids happy...and my brain saying that allthough it hurts now I have to keep my eye on the ball, on the long term and not screwing myself before a divorce.He was not ordered any visitation and he has a default warrant (failure to appear) in the commonwealth of Mass. I have tried to get him picked up for it but it doesnt show up when they run his license.(how that happens, i would like explained to me).I have called Mass and they say he still has a warrant, and they still want him.

I guess i just have to "butch up" and be strong.

Thanks for yalls help.

 

[tigger22472]

First off it's a PO and not an OP... not bashing just so it's right.

You're right.. it's sticky. If the order names the children then I would say no. The reason is that you can get yourself in trouble and as it seems the courts have seen him to be a danger to the children who knows what they would do if they knew you let him see them anyways.

I know what you are saying. The first summer after our divorce I packed my kids to visit their dad for a month. I'd already had several incidents where he'd either promised to see them or call and didn't. At the time my oldest boy was 9 and said.."why are you packing us, you know he won't show up." I told him I had to because he said he was coming and the court said I did. My ex swore he was coming right up until he was supposed to be at my house. My kids were outside... when the older came in I told him. He simply said "I told you he wouldn't" and had tears in his eyes. I knew my younger would take it harder. At 6 he definately didn't understand. I took him in my room and sat him down to tell him. He cried hysterically (and of course I was too by then) and kept asking over and over why his daddy didn't love him. I was by this time tired of making excuses for him and although it may have not been the right way to handle it, after I repeatedly told him he did (not actually knowing for sure), I let him call his dad. My ex didn't appreciate it ONE bit but I didn't care. My thought was why did I have to make excuses for him. I had to pick up the pieces EVERYTIME for him and it was time for him to do it.

 

[StickyFingers]

Thanks for the correction

Well I got in touch with SC child protective services because I was told they showed up at my mother in laws house with the police wanting to talk to me and wanting to see the children. They told me that they were contacted by Mass CPS, being concerned about wether I was back with my husband. In turn SC CPS contacted FL CPS and they came to my home, They talked with my oldest and I was in the next room listening and I was so surprised at what my son had remembered. They inspected my children for bruises and such. They found nothing and with the repeated words "I'm not threatening you"..they told me that as long as I did not get back with my husband then they were going to close the case. They told me that if i got back with my husband I could face charges of child endangerment.Getting back with him has never crossed my mind.They told me that the fact that he has never hit them is not an issue , but them watching the abuse is also considered child abuse.I was ignorant to this fact..but I think that every woman that has children and are in an abusive relationship should know this.

Thanks for your advice....I think that not letting them talk would be the best bet.I hope they dont end up hating me for this. I hope that one day they will understand.

 

[tigger22472]

Then there's your answer. And I agree I wouldn't let the children talk to him. I know it's sad and I can't say the children won't "hate" you later... however they all go through their stages at times although I have NEVER had my children express that towards me TG. Even if they never see him again when they get older they will understand. Everytime my ex would lie to my children by saying "It's all your mom's fault I don't see you. She moved away (of course he moved further away first) and she doesn't want me to have a relationship with you boys but know that I love you and will ALWAYS be your Daddy and dont' let your mom tell you differently." I would sit my kids down, ask them if they had questions. I would bite my tongue to bad mouth him however I would point out that I always did transportation when he did see them and how he'd moved another state away and I lived a hour(now two) from the original place. My point is, you can justify yourself without degrading him.

Did you talk with your child after CPS left? That would of been a great opportunity for you to open the communication with him to let him know if he ever had any questions about the situation to come talk to you. I would simply explain to him that although you are sure his daddy still loves him he's had some trouble and the courts have said it's best that he doesn't see them...

 

[StickyFingers]

Yes, I spoke to my son after CPS left, he said he didn't want to talk about it anymore. I told him that that was fine, that I was not mad at him and that he did a good thing by telling the truth and if he had any questions or if he wanted to talk about it then he could come talk to me anytime. Recently the bottom fell out of the"daddys at work" excuse. My son allthough 5, is very sharp. He asked "why dont daddy just come home..hes not working this long." I asked him if he remembered that me and his daddy argued alot and and he said "Yeah...like the time he pushed your head into the picture on the wall?" (ironically it was our cross-stitched wedding anouncement)I said "yes like that time...you didn't like it when all that stuff was happening right?" he said " no..but don't you love daddy anymore?" I responded by explaing to him that sometimes it doesn't matter how much two people love each other..if they cant get along then they shouldn't stay together. That was the end of that conversation.

I was not and will not tell him that I dont love his daddy..that I believe would go into a more complexed discussion that I don't think he could fully understand, and I want to keep them out of the details as much as possible.Plus I think it would hurt his feelings..and by far they have been through to much.

 

[tigger22472]

Just so you know.. You sound like a great mom!!

 

[StickyFingers]

Bless your heart.

Thank you so much for your advice.

I'm only 26, and I try my hardest. I've seen your other replies to other posts and that means alot.

Thanks again!

 

[tigger22472]

Is that to say you've seen it when I've been me??? who?? ME??? Not me!!!