Advice Please! Desperate

[Teggie]

What is the name of your state?What is the name of your state? Texas

Please help, very confused here, I have 2 daughters 12 & 6 which my ex and I have joint custody of. I remarried 4 yrs ago and have a 3 yr old son. My ex pays child support. He has been sporadic with his visits, sometimes a month or two with no contact at all except an occasional phone call. Recently my husband and I seperated for about 6 weeks and I moved back to my hometown, which is also where my ex lives. My husband and I have recently reconciled and we now live together. My 12 year old has issues with my husband, she is upset that we won't take her frequently to our old town to see her boyfreind, at 12 we feel she is too young to persue an relationship, she doesn't like having phone time restrictions, doesn't like chores and calls my husband a "drill sargent". When the girls go with thier dad he takes them fun places, buys them things etc, etc. Yesterday my ex showed up to see the girls, got into a little verbal spat with my husband, they hate each other, and dissapeared with them for several hours with me not knowing where they were. He then showed up at my workplace, stated he was not going to let the girls come home because they are "terrified" of thier stepfather. This escalated into a nasty shouting encounter because I told him he will not take the girls from me. I talked to the 12 yr old privatly, she told me her stepfather "stresses her too much" and she doesn't want to live with us. The 6 yr old is basically confused about the whole thing. I have never seen any evidence of any abuse or neglect in our house, they are disciplined, expected to do chores and follow the rules. I found out my ex had taken the 12 yr old to our old town and let her see her bf while he met his parants. I was angry that I was not informed before they left. Can he do this? What are my options? After I calmed down a little I sat and wrote a contract, good for a month's time, stating the 12 yr old could stay with her father but listed conditions that must be followed such as transportation to school, adult supervision, restricted phone usage, no visits out of town without my agreement etc. The 6 yr old is to live with me and when I work (I work 12 hr night shifts 3-4 days a week) she will be in her father's care. I also set conditions concerning the 6 yr old, per adult supervision, transportation etc. I also plan to refund a portion of the child support to him during the contract time. He and my husband are not allowed contact with each other at all. I also stated that if the conditions were not met I would seek legal assistance to sue him for full custody. I plan to have my ex read it and if he agrees have it signed and notarized. If he refuses the contract I see no choice except to go ahead and seek full custody. I also found a stepparant/stepchild contract to be used at a later date, if applicable. Is this the right way to go? I'm really confused, any advice is truly appreciated.
Lost in Texas

 

[tigger2two]

My legal advice would be to follow your existing court order. If you try and do this agreement on your own, its not going to hold up to the original court order signed by a judge. And i am assuming you have an original order bc you stated that you have joint legal custody. If you turn your 12 year old over to her father and not the 6 year old you may run into one of two problems. One being splitting the siblings up may not be in their best intrest and two making it impossible on yourself to explain to a judge why that was in your daughters best intrest at the time but isn't now. If your ex refuses to give you your daughter back then tell him thats fine. and according to what ever your original court order states, take him back to court and hold him in contempt.

Your daughter is 12 she is on the verge of teenage years. she isn't going to like discipline and restrictions. But that doesn't make her old enough to decide that those things aren't in her best intrest. As many have said on here before. If she woke up one morning and said i dont' want to go to school anymore bc my teachers are mean, would you allow this?? And you are right in not allowing her to have a relationship at this age with out adult supervision, or at all for that matter. Speaking from experience it is definatly not a good idea.Good luck!

 

[adonahee]

Just hand them over on a silver platter.

Why are you agreeing to this?? Obviously you feel you are raising them properly, with guidelines and rules to abide by- and you feel your ex is very lax, and lets them have their way. Do you feel you are winning points by letting your 12-yr-old have her way here? Or just caving in for the sake of saving an argument?

1) By writing such an agreement you are going against the stipulations of the court order originally written, unless you plan on going to court and having the judge sign your temporary agreement, and 2) You are setting yourself up for a future custody case, and setting a precedent to help yourself lose.

Do yourself and your kids a favor - parent them, and don't hand them over just to win brownie points.

 

[BL]

If your ex refuses to give you your daughter back then tell him thats fine. [ quote by 2 nd poster ]

No you don't tell him that's fine. That is an Emotional reply,not a legal one.

To the Orig. Poster. You have a Court Order in place fallow it until , or unless you or the X takes it back into court for Legal Modification.

Another Poster is right, if you set up a contract ( which is not legally recognizable by the Courts ) , you will be doing more harm than good, and your X just may end up with what he would be seeking.

Your daughter's behavior is no different from any other typical teen.
Deal with it. Talk to other Parent's that have teens. Get some Ideas .
If it gets out of hand, seek counseling for your daughter and yourself .

 

[stealth2]

Also, for better or worse, you don't get to set the rules by which the other parent parents. No more than he gets to tell you how to parent. You have custody. So you go and get the kid and follow the custody agreement. If the kid gives you flack, you lay down the law.

Oh, by the way - a notarized agreement is in no way binding or enforceable. Stop being a sap and be a parent.

 

[nextwife]

Also, if ex is on his CO'd visitation time with his kids, he is not obligated to tell you where and what they are doing. He is only obligated to return them at the end of the CO'd visitation time.

 

[BlondeIntel]

Options

What are my options?

Another option would be to seek the help of a professional counselor with experience in blended family issues.

 

[Teggie]

Many thanks for the insight

Thanks to everyone for thier replies. As soon as I read them I tore the contract up, dug out my divorce papers and began to read. According to the divorce decree we have joint custody with me listed as the parant that determines residence and such. Visitation is listed as what we mutually agree on and in absence of that it lists the court appointed visitation rights. We have never had a problem until this. I had thought my ex had taken off today to be with the girls. Turns out he went to work and left the girls there alone with only one short visit from an adult at lunch time. As soon as I was aware of this I immediatly went and picked them up. Told them to get in the car, it was not open for discussion. Then I called my ex, informed him I had picked up the girls and told him to read his copy of the divorce papers. Said he could chose to have visitation on my work days or on the court appointed times. That if he has issues with the current arrangments to get a lawyer and take me to court. Thank you even for the well deserved kicks in the butt, I obviously needed them right now. I was amazed at what I didn't know, this has been a painful learning experience. I have to say thanks again, if I had'nt posted here and received the replies I did I could have made a major mistake. As it is now I feel alot more confidant and able to cope. Have already gotton numbers for family counseling services. Thanks very much, Teggie