Advice to Give to a 16 Year old

[penelope10]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? TX

I have now been divorced for 6 going on 7 years. I have followed the court order to the letter during these years. And I intend on following the court order. My 16 year old has expressed for about 4 years that she feels uncomfortable going over to her Dad's. This started before he got remarried. Basically, she and her Dad started spending very little time together after he met his current wife. He would exercise his week day visitation and have other things to do during his weekend visitation.

My daughter does not have a key or the pass code to his house. His wife expressed paranoia about the house getting broken into as a reason not to give her the key or the pass code. Our eldest daughter until recently was not allowed to spend the night over there when she came to visit. (She is now married and has a baby).

To make a long story short, Lil Bit's Dad told her that she could have a key and the pass code finally to his home. He has since changed his mind stating that she is now a teenager and might decide to throw a party over at his house while he is out of town. Which is within his rights. However, Lil Bit is hurt over this as she has never done anything to warrant him mistrusting her.

He also does not spend any alone time with her because he wife has stated that it is improper for an adult man to spend time alone with a child of the opposite sex.

Any advice as to handle this? I am sending her as court ordered, however, she is increasingly unhappy before and after the visits.

 

[Proserpina]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? TX

I have now been divorced for 6 going on 7 years. I have followed the court order to the letter during these years. And I intend on following the court order. My 16 year old has expressed for about 4 years that she feels uncomfortable going over to her Dad's. This started before he got remarried. Basically, she and her Dad started spending very little time together after he met his current wife. He would exercise his week day visitation and have other things to do during his weekend visitation.

My daughter does not have a key or the pass code to his house. His wife expressed paranoia about the house getting broken into as a reason not to give her the key or the pass code. Our eldest daughter until recently was not allowed to spend the night over there when she came to visit. (She is now married and has a baby).

To make a long story short, Lil Bit's Dad told her that she could have a key and the pass code finally to his home. He has since changed his mind stating that she is now a teenager and might decide to throw a party over at his house while he is out of town. Which is within his rights. However, Lil Bit is hurt over this as she has never done anything to warrant him mistrusting her.

He also does not spend any alone time with her because he wife has stated that it is improper for an adult man to spend time alone with a child of the opposite sex.

Any advice as to handle this? I am sending her as court ordered, however, she is increasingly unhappy before and after the visits.

Yeap.

Teach her strong coping skills. She has only two years left at which point she can choose whether or not she wants to see her father.

This is a parenting question, not a legal question.

 

[penelope10]

Yeap.

Teach her strong coping skills. She has only two years left at which point she can choose whether or not she wants to see her father.

This is a parenting question, not a legal question.

Thanks, that is how I have been handling it.

 

[LdiJ]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? TX

I have now been divorced for 6 going on 7 years. I have followed the court order to the letter during these years. And I intend on following the court order. My 16 year old has expressed for about 4 years that she feels uncomfortable going over to her Dad's. This started before he got remarried. Basically, she and her Dad started spending very little time together after he met his current wife. He would exercise his week day visitation and have other things to do during his weekend visitation.

My daughter does not have a key or the pass code to his house. His wife expressed paranoia about the house getting broken into as a reason not to give her the key or the pass code. Our eldest daughter until recently was not allowed to spend the night over there when she came to visit. (She is now married and has a baby).

To make a long story short, Lil Bit's Dad told her that she could have a key and the pass code finally to his home. He has since changed his mind stating that she is now a teenager and might decide to throw a party over at his house while he is out of town. Which is within his rights. However, Lil Bit is hurt over this as she has never done anything to warrant him mistrusting her.

He also does not spend any alone time with her because he wife has stated that it is improper for an adult man to spend time alone with a child of the opposite sex.

Any advice as to handle this? I am sending her as court ordered, however, she is increasingly unhappy before and after the visits.

I agree with proserpina, but my goodness, stepmom is whacked.

Any chance that dad would agree to do counseling with Lil bit?

 

[penelope10]

I agree with proserpina, but my goodness, stepmom is whacked.

Any chance that dad would agree to do counseling with Lil bit?

No Dad will not go to counseling. About 3 years ago he had told his new wife that he would like to go. Don't know if it was by himself or with the new wife. She threw a fit and wrote a long and hateful letter to our oldest daughter. Basically told Sissy that Sissy and her Dad's relationship was causing him psychological problems. To give a little further history after they married she would not allow Sissy to spend the night. The reason behind this was that new wife had an unfounded fear that during the night Sissy might go through their private things, or steal things. After Sissy married and had a baby recently the woman changed her mind a little. She decided that she wanted the baby only to spend the night. When Sissy would not agree to this, she relented and let Sissy and the baby and my son in law to spend the night.

The ex has told both the girls, "It's not that my new wife doesn't like you, it's just that she is very jealous of you." And he seems to be ok with that thought process. And this is hurtful to the youngest child because she doesn't understand why her Dad would even tell her something like this. ( Much less go along with it).

 

[sometwo]

Seems like dad needs to think about it for a minute that if he were a child in this situation how it would make him feel.

Have you tried going to lunch with dad and talking to him about these things?

Probably so since it seems dad only does what wifey wants. Its a same its like that.

luckily she only has 2 more years under the court order.

 

[penelope10]

Seems like dad needs to think about it for a minute that if he were a child in this situation how it would make him feel.

Have you tried going to lunch with dad and talking to him about these things?

Probably so since it seems dad only does what wifey wants. Its a same its like that.

luckily she only has 2 more years under the court order.

I have tried talking to him about this in the past and have just given up. The oldest child has tried talking to him also. Nothing has changed except that he now seems to have adopted some of the crazy thinking himself. And he is expressing negative thoughts to the 16 year old that somehow she is a bad person and untrustworthy. I think that she can let the negativity from the current wife roll off, but it's hard for her when her Dad says hurtful things.


It's pretty sad when our 16 year old child says, "I don't understand why Dad doesn't trust me. I've never done anything to make him not trust me. I make good grades and I stay out of trouble. I don't understand why he is treating me this way."

As I stated I am honoring the court order. However, the 16 year old is increasingly stating that she would like to limit the time spent with Dad. Not because she doesn't love her Dad, but that the situation is becoming uncomfortable and hurtful to her.

 

[mperlingiero]

i believe that your daughter is old enough to decide if she wants to go or not. But she needs to be the one to tell her Dad why she doesn't want to go.

 

[Proserpina]

i believe that your daughter is old enough to decide if she wants to go or not. But she needs to be the one to tell her Dad why she doesn't want to go.

Your belief is incorrect.

She cannot go against a COURT ORDER. Neither can Mom (though Mom in this case does know this).

 

[CourtClerk]

I don't know that not having a key and/or the passcode are that big of a deal. My father remarried and I didn't have a key to their house until I went to go live there in my older teenage years. However, when I was there for visitation, I was free to come and go.

As for the rest of the stuff. SM has a problem, but it's her problem to be had and dad doesn't seem to want to deal with it. Nothing she can do about that.

 

[penelope10]

I don't know that not having a key and/or the passcode are that big of a deal. My father remarried and I didn't have a key to their house until I went to go live there in my older teenage years. However, when I was there for visitation, I was free to come and go.

As for the rest of the stuff. SM has a problem, but it's her problem to be had and dad doesn't seem to want to deal with it. Nothing she can do about that.

I don't think that the key or pass code are that big of a deal either. I think what is bothering her is the fact that Dad told her that she could have a key and the pass code and has now told her that based on the possibility that she "might" do something wrong that she is untrustworthy.

Normally it is fine if Dad doesn't have to be at the office early. If he does have to leave early she has to leave at the same time. She cannot let herself out of the house because the alarm system is on. Her stepmother sleeps in and Lil Bit would have to wake her up to be let out. (Which she won't do as it is too uncomfortable for her). This means that Lil Bit sometimes ends up at school about 45 minutes before school starts. The school does not open the doors until the bell rings, so she has to sit in front of the school during this time and wait.

Lol, at my house there is no electronic alarm system. Just two very noisy and nosey Boston Terriers. No one gets in or out without them barking.

And everyone is right in stating that she only has two more years to do this. Was just hoping for some words of wisdom that might make things a little easier. As I stated I will continue to abide by the court order.

 

[penelope10]

I don't think that the key or pass code are that big of a deal either. I think what is bothering her is the fact that Dad told her that she could have a key and the pass code and has now told her that based on the possibility that she "might" do something wrong that she is untrustworthy.

Normally it is fine if Dad doesn't have to be at the office early. If he does have to leave early she has to leave at the same time. She cannot let herself out of the house because the alarm system is on. Her stepmother sleeps in and Lil Bit would have to wake her up to be let out. (Which she won't do as it is too uncomfortable for her). This means that Lil Bit sometimes ends up at school about 45 minutes before school starts. The school does not open the doors until the bell rings, so she has to sit in front of the school during this time and wait.

Lol, at my house there is no electronic alarm system. Just two very noisy and nosey Boston Terriers. No one gets in or out without them barking.

And everyone is right in stating that she only has two more years to do this. Was just hoping for some words of wisdom that might make things a little easier. As I stated I will continue to abide by the court order.

I think that she also becomes frustrated because the plans for his weekends are often changed at the last minute. There is not alot of consistency or continuity. Saturday morning at about noon her Dad called and informed her that he had new clients to entertain at night. So her choice was to either spend the night at his house with no guarantee about when he and his wife would get home, or spend the night at a friend's. She chose to spend the night at a friend's. Dad then called her up this morning and demanded that she get over to his place immediately as they were going to lunch at his wife's sisters house. (Lil Bit knew nothing about these plans) She only had the clothes that she wore to her friends and pj's. She rushed to my house and got a change of clothes. She had some homework left over to do that she started on Friday. She had hoped she would be able to complete the homework at Dad's. She left not knowing how long she was to be at these folk's house, when she would get back to her Dad's, and therefore whether or not she would be able to complete her homework.

 

[Proserpina]

I think that she also becomes frustrated because the plans for his weekends are often changed at the last minute. There is not alot of consistency or continuity. Saturday morning at about noon her Dad called and informed her that he had new clients to entertain at night. So her choice was to either spend the night at his house with no guarantee about when he and his wife would get home, or spend the night at a friend's. She chose to spend the night at a friend's. Dad then called her up this morning and demanded that she get over to his place immediately as they were going to lunch at his wife's sisters house. (Lil Bit knew nothing about these plans) She only had the clothes that she wore to her friends and pj's. She rushed to my house and got a change of clothes. She had some homework left over to do that she started on Friday. She had hoped she would be able to complete the homework at Dad's. She left not knowing how long she was to be at these folk's house, when she would get back to her Dad's, and therefore whether or not she would be able to complete her homework.

Pen, this is one of those situations where you and kiddo are going to have to be the ones to take the high road.

Sticking it out for a couple of years will be worth the priceless knowledge that kiddo has learned how to deal with uppity adults who often can't see past their own carbuncles.

She'll be well prepared for the real world

 

[Isis1]

I'd wake stepmom up each and everytime. JUST so stepmom would be uncomfortable. But then I have an attitude problem.

 

[sometwo]

I'd wake stepmom up each and everytime. JUST so stepmom would be uncomfortable. But then I have an attitude problem.

While I do think children should respect the adults in their life I know if I were that teenager in a situation like that I would raise all kinds of trouble.

I remember one summer I got into it with my mom and I packed up and high tailed it back home with grandma. Of course there was no court order for visitation and stuff ( I visited when I wanted and they were all able to accommodate living 9 hrs apart which usually was on extended breaks from school.)

I remember another time mom's new husband and I did not get along. (he was a jerk , drank all the time and didn't watch my 4 little sisters while mom was at work left me to do it but if they got into something it was my fault and I couldn't punish them) I caused a bunch of ruckus that summer too. In fact I believe I took off walking down the road in a city I knew nothing about.

That's just me though. I am kinda stubborn. I was a good kid all together(good grades didn't skip school homebody honor's diploma) but I also didn't take crap.