Any Lawyers out there? See if you can help (long read)

[chatkat]

What is the name of your state? TX
I could write a book but I will try to keep this short and to the point. If you need clarification or more info please ask me. There is much info behind this.
I have a 14 year old daughter. I have been separated and divorced from her father since she was 10months old. her father remarried when she was about 31/2 and they are still married today. My daugher is very close to her dad and her step mother and although they have attempted for many years to get her to come live with them she has always said no. She has always said she wants to live with me. I was given custody at the time of the divorce. At her fathers house she has one step sister who her father adopted, one half sister from her father and step mother and two adopted teen siblings (one boy and one girl) who have come into the family in the last 2 or 3 years. At home she is the only child living at home although my husband and I have 5 other children. 3 who live with their mother and 2 adult children who are married. I have noticed a change in my daughter with the additions to her dads family where she has become more selfish and less caring of others. Last December my husband and I spoke to our kids about the possibility of either fostering or adopting a child. The older kids were all for it and said they would support us in any way they could. My 14 year old said "NO WAY! This is my house, I am the only child here and that is the way it is going to stay, I will tell them when they ask me that I don't want any other kids here and I won't be nice to them." (This coming from a child who has supported her father in three adoptions.) Well I love my daughter and although I don't like her being that way I put off thinking about the adoption. In Jan this year, we found out that my step daughter was separating from her husband. As I would do with any of my children I opened my home to her. My 14 year old was furious. In Feb it was decided that my step daughter would be moving in, in March. At the end of Feb I got my daughters report card which had 2 D's. Prior to that my daughter was an A B student. Of course I freaked out and wanted to know what was wrong. My daughter wouldn't tell me anything. I told my daughter that she would be grounded until the next report card. This was the first time in her life that she has been grounded. (That is what a good kid she has been) I called her father and asked him to please back me up and not allow her to have her friends out to his house as he often does. I also asked that if she was telling them anything that might explain the grades to please share that information with me. Her dad said of course he would... Well that next weekend and all weekends since, they have allowed my daughter to have the friends that she is not allowed to see at home to come to their home on their weekends. I just received a new report card this past weekend. The 2 D's turned into 2 D's and an F on this report card. Again I called her father and asked for any input. (Her step mother calls her every day) I was hoping that maybe my daughter had shared with them what she wouldn't share with me. I am very concerned. I have already been speaking with teachers and counselors at school. Again her dad and step mother said they would try to find out what is going on and when my daughter went to their house that same weekend. They gave her a cell phone. When they gave it to her they told her she had to bring it home and that I could take it away from her if I wanted to because of her grades. My daughter finally told me this week what has been wrong with her. She told me that she wants to go live with her dad. Watch the time line here. She said she thought about moving there in Jan, decided for sure she wanted to go in Feb and told her dad in March. They have been planning this behind my back ever since. I have always aloud my daughter to spend all the extra time she wants at her dads, if they are going places and want her to go along I have allowed it. For two of the adoptions in his home I had to provide letters giving my recommendation to case workers. I have given and given, and they have taken and taken. Now they have found a weak spot with my step daughter coming here and successfully turned my daughter against me. I have always told her that if she would be happier at her fathers that she could go there. I don't know what to do now though. I am devastated, I know they can not be trusted so I don't know if we can come to an agreement and it will hold up later if he changes things. I don't know if now I should say no to her and make him take me to court and fight me for her. Which I can't afford. Please, can you give me some advise as to how I should handle this. I don't want her to hate me if I make them fight me for her, but I don't want them to take her completely away either and I know they can not be trusted. How should I handle this??

Thanks in advance for any support and advise and I'm sorry this was so long. I have just seen things get really mixed up with little info provided. If you need more just ask.

Chat.

 

[kat1963]

Look, he wants to parent his daughter on a more full time basis; something you have been doing for the last 14 years. Stop with the pity party & the blame game alright? Stop over-thinking it, it just adds to the stress!!!! If you don’t want her to go then she doesn’t go & a judge decides. Frankly, at 14 her wishes along with failing grades are probably enough for custody change. Not to mention that he has your own letter to the case workers stating he is a good father. The problem with a court battle is its’ (obviously) wildly expensive, highly emotional and it leaves ALL of you at the mercy of the judge.
What I would do? Summer is almost here. Let her go live with her father for the summer with yourself having visitation (return the child support checks). If near the end she still wishes to live with her DAD then work up a parenting plan & submit it to the courts for the judge’s signature. This gives you both more power and control over such things as visitation, holiday schedules & of course the child support.
Here are examples:
http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/pplan4.htm
http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/pplan8.htm
Good Luck...this doesn't mean you are a bad Mommy you know. Teenagers are fickle and usually more alien like at that age anyway.
KAT

 

[krispenstpeter]

First of all, although I agree with Kat on most of her points, there are two, one stated and one not, that you both are missing.

One: Do NOT return the support checks. Until the custody and support orders are changed, they stand and support must be paid. PERIOD.

Two: Have you or your ex thought about therapy? There is something else going on here besides 'being a teenager' and if you don't do something now you BOTH are going to lose her.

 

[nextwife]

YUP. This post has been SCREAMING for therapy since the first few lines.

Your 14 year old has NO business telling you and your husband how to plan your family, and you have no busainess letting her.

You wanted to adopt, your kid said no, so you chose to not do so. If you were PREGNANT would you decide to let her tell you whether you should have or keep the baby? It's NOT up to her to decide whether another child also gets to have a family.

This kid needs her head strengthened out.

 

[Whyte Noise]

She's jealous.

She's the only child in your home, and at dad's she has to "share" him with all these other people. Your home was the place where she could get all the attention, and then you went and wanted to bring another child into that home, where she'd once again have to "share".

How dare you!! *yes, that was sarcasm*

So, to "show you" she's saying she wants to move in with dad. I doubt very seriously that she actually wants that, but in in her 14 year old mind, she's gonna hurt you just like you "hurt" her by even thinking of bringing another child into your home. Her failing grades are another way to get at you. And, it's worked.

JMHO

 

[chatkat]

Thank you to all who have replied so far. It is nice to get an outside opinion on this. I have spoken to my family and my oldest daughter and of course they are all as devistated and surprised as I am. I am sorry if I seem as though I am trying to just get pity from this post. That was not my intention. My intention was to put as much recent information as possible so that I may get more usful information back.
Thank you Kat for the recommendation of actually filing any agreement we come to with the court. I should have known that one but I have to admit I havent thought that clearly. That is why I said I didn't trust him if we came to an agreement between us that it wouldn't stick if he changed his mind later.
kat1963....Frankly, at 14 her wishes along with failing grades are probably enough for custody change.
I see her failing grades in two ways. One is that she is trying to get back at me for the changes in our home. Which I can see where you would be right.
The other way I see this is that she has been planning this with her dad and therefore the thought of actually going through with this move is causing her failing grades.
Thank you also for saying this doesn't mean I'm a bad mommy. That has been a painful thought.
Kris, Thank you for bringing up the therapy thing. Again, I have never had any problems like this with my daughter and with the fog I'm in I never even thought about that past involving her counselor at school. Also keep in mind how fast this all came about. I have only been aware of a problem since the end of Feb when I go tht first report card.
I would also like to mention that my ex pays his support directly to me. It would not be a matter of giving it back, I'm sure he just wouldn't give it to me in the first place.
Nextwife, again thank you for the therapy suggestion. I agree with you that my daughter should not be able to make those types of decisions for me and my husband but I knew this would be the result of that and I didn't want to lose her.
Gal... EXACTLY what I think... all her complaints of life here revolve around what I do for my step children. (we only have visitation of my husbands out of state children 3 to 4 weeks a year.) His oldest daughter moved to be closer to him and now is temporarily staying with us. My daughter says she doesn't get enough time with me and doesn't want any other kids in the middle of that.

Thank you all again and more input is very welcome.
chat

 

[chatkat]

I have debated on placing this information in the post for fear that everyone would think I was just out to have a poor chat party but I think everyone should know one more thing.
My daughter has mild CP (cerebral palsy) At 16 months old she was she was diagnosed. Only my sister and I were in attendance. My daughters father couldn't handle it so he didn't come. On that day I was told that my daughter may never walk and if she did, she would most like require assistive devises. I have taken many months and years off of work making sure that she received the best care I could get for her. Medical care that her father has never put his hand in. Because of her medical condition she has received a lot of one on one time with me. Through all her appointments, therapy, and surgeries I was the one there with her. That is my responsibility as a parent and I wanted my daughter to be the best she can be. Her father has a long history of claiming that there is nothing wrong with her and has never felt the need to be a part of making her better. My daugher and I have had a very close relationship because of all the care she has received and now..
Well now she appears to ba a "normal" 14 year old. There are many things she can't do, but most people can't even tell anything is wrong with her unless they know her real well.
She only has check ups once a year now and is responsible for her own therapy ... stretches and such. That is why she doesn't feel like we spend time together anymore. I'm not missing months of work for surgery and all that any more. When she see's me with my husbands smaller children and even with his adult daughter, she wants all that attention back. I know what she is feeling, but when I try to explain it to her she thinks I'm complaining about doing what I did. (Putting her first before all others for the first 10 or 11 years of her life) I think she is grown up enough to do things for herself now and that makes her mad.
Her dad is using that as well, He has told her how dare your mom make you feel quilty for taking care of you. If she didn't want to take care of you she should have let you live with me. Easy for him to say now. As I said I don't want to be a whinner, but that is just more reason to show that all these current events are teenage jealousy.
Thank you all again for the therapy suggestion. It makes even more since now.

 

[stealth2]

What sort of one-on-one time do you have with her?

 

[chatkat]

hi stealth,
This forum has been great for me! I have done a lot of thinking and can see things much better now.
to answer your question...
Our one on one time now is going out to dinner just the two of us or going to a movie, maybe sitting together on the couch watching our favorite weekly tv show. The tv show is a weekly thing, going out to dinner probably averages out to 2 times a month, maybe more sometimes. Going to movies doesn't happen but once every 2 or 3 months depending on what is out.

What have I seen that I didn't see before I wrote my last couple of post. For 10 or 11 years I never took a day, week, month or year off of work that wasn't for her. I never in all those years took a day for any other reason. Why? because my daughters health and abilities were more important then anything else. She knows that I made all my plans based on what was happeing with her. She had her last surgery in 2000 at which time I took 8 weeks off work unpaid. Thank god my mother was able to help me financially so that I didn't lose my home during that time. After that last surgery, we still had frequent appointments for therapy and check ups. Since 2001 she has been placed on an annual checkup and no professional therapy. For the first time in her life she saw me take days off for things other then her. She has seen me take days off to help my husband fight for visitation with his kids and then take time off while they are here on visitation. To her... in her 11 to 14 year old eyes.. I have put her asside and now only take time for me and others in our life. If I had been thinking at the time, I would have known that she should have gone through therapy at 11 when all the care was no longer needed. To me.. I have met my goal and she is now able to walk and take better care of herself and be independant. To her I have abandoned her.
I should have known.
I'm sorry again for rambling. Just typing this is helping so much. I apologize for making you all go through this but I thank you.

Chat

 

[stealth2]

So basically, your OoO time is pretty limited, especially if compared to what you used to spend. I know it's hard. But I bet you'd find that it makes a huge difference if you find a way to connect with her every day. Cooking together (great opportunity to talk about what happened during the day - and y'all have eat anyway). The weather's getting better - you could do some gardening together. Take her to the supermarket with you. There are lots of ways to connect and show her that your time with her is important to you. It's not just about therapy. And it's a hell of a lot cheaper.

 

[chatkat]

I understand what you are saying about doing more things with her. My concern right now is that she has made this decision and she has her dad and step mother preasuring her on their end. If all the sudden I am trying to make changes in what we do and when we do it, I feel that she will think it is superficial at this point. especially when the time is going to come again that my step kids come for a visit and although we don't do anything with them that she is not a part of, she still feels that we are doing it all for them.
Because of the rushed nature of the latest events, I'm thinking that if I suggest therapy, and of course follow through with it, it will allow some slow down time for everyone involved. It will also allow my daughter and I to have some of that time she is so missing (mom having to take time off just to take her to the Doctor, ya know) while at the same time working on how she can best handle the adjustment of not needed mom so much anymore.

Am I making since or do you feel that I am just trying to prolong things.
Thanks again
Chat

 

[stealth2]

If I were a 14 yo kid or on the other side of the situation, I'd think this is all a ploy. Come on. Time spent taking the kid to a doctor is not really quality time. You do not need a therapist to tell you what you should be doing!

Sit down and talk to your daughter. Tell her that you've realized that she misses the time y'all used to spend between doctor's visits, but now that she doesn't need those so much - you need to find different ways to spend time together. Ask for her input on what the two of you could do, and throw some of your thoughts in. Putting her in counseling at this point is a cop-out. Be GLAD that she needs Mom, but find better ways to fulfill that need. Without worrying about what Dad is doing.

 

[chatkat]

Im putting thought into your last post. I'm not sure what to say to it though. I do have to worry about what dad and step mom are doing because it is affecting my daughter and our relationship. Because they have been keeping secrets behind my back my daughter and I haven't been able to communicate for weeks without arguing. This is Very unlike her. I have tried to sit down and talk to her about how we can handle things. I know what my daughter is asking for. She doesn't want any other kids in our home. Ever.. She doesn't want me to do things with my husbands kids. Ever... Her 14 yo demands are not reasonable and we can not live our lives that way. Her father and step mother are telling her it is reasonable for her to demand that of me. At this point in time, I can't reason with any of them.
I'm not saying my daughter is crazy and needs help.. I'm saying maybe an outside ear and voice can help her sort through these feelings she is having. Without having me and her dad pull her in different directions.

Thanks again for your input.

 

[TLWE]

I am a HUGE supporter of both parents being able to be active in their child(ren)'s lives.

However...one thing that bothered me in your post was about the dad refusing to acknowledge your daughter's CP. During extended stays with him or going to live with him....I have to wonder, will she keep up with her stretching and exercises? And what about her yearly check up? I know these are important.

Just wondering

 

[chatkat]

sorry about the delay in replying to your post.
To answer your question I don't believe she will continue taking the care she does now I know she doesn't wear her brace when she is with him and I assume that it will still be my responsibility to get her to her annual checkups. I wonder about her ARD meetings at school. Her dad has never been to one. If it was an ARD at her usual school where they already knew her then it wouldn't be so bad, but this will be a new school and new parent at the same time. They don't know what her needs are at school. I don't know how to handle it though. My daughters doctors have had to call him before and get on to him about not following medical instructions given for her. Bottom line I haven't gotten that far and I don't know what will come of it.

Thanks for asking
Chat