Autistic child shared parenting

[father411]

What is the name of your state? Florida

Hi. I am in the process of going back to court with my ex over our child visitation. My child is autistic, and my ex is primary. My ex refused to let me have my child overnight since he had been born because in her words "the change would confuse him". Because of the autism, he does have trouble with constant changes.

For many years, I did not know my rights (completely my fault) and angrily agreed to see him two days each week for a total of 6 hours. We ended up going through mediation, and I asked for joint physical and legal custody. After talking with my ex, and my lawyer, I was concerned that going from 6 hours per week to every other week all week per parent may be too much for my child to handle. So, I agreed to every wed. and every other friday to monday.

The problem is that my child is constantly confused as to whose house he is supposed to stay at. When he is with me, he is fine, but wants to stay the night when he isn't supposed to, and other times he gets upset that he has to come over to my home b/c he thinks it's a weekend that he is supposed to be with his mother. It has gotten so bad that he has started to act up in school, and is constantly angry about so many changes. His speech is limited, but he is able to tell me how he feels, and most of the time, he is mad when it comes to the constant swaping from house to house. The mediation agreement has been for about a year now.

My plan is to continue to pay my ex child support for the next year or so (since she is on a limited income), but to have my child every other week so that there is one change per week instead of 3 to 4. He has his own routines at my home, and I am able to watch him. I did have him over Thanksgiving break without any problems, and he loves my wife and loves being here.

My question is if anyone out there can give me some tips or information as to how to present my case in court.

 

[Jillian483]

I dunno

What is the name of your state? Florida

Hi. I am in the process of going back to court with my ex over our child visitation. My child is autistic, and my ex is primary. My ex refused to let me have my child overnight since he had been born because in her words "the change would confuse him". Because of the autism, he does have trouble with constant changes.

For many years, I did not know my rights (completely my fault) and angrily agreed to see him two days each week for a total of 6 hours. We ended up going through mediation, and I asked for joint physical and legal custody. After talking with my ex, and my lawyer, I was concerned that going from 6 hours per week to every other week all week per parent may be too much for my child to handle. So, I agreed to every wed. and every other friday to monday.

The problem is that my child is constantly confused as to whose house he is supposed to stay at. When he is with me, he is fine, but wants to stay the night when he isn't supposed to, and other times he gets upset that he has to come over to my home b/c he thinks it's a weekend that he is supposed to be with his mother. It has gotten so bad that he has started to act up in school, and is constantly angry about so many changes. His speech is limited, but he is able to tell me how he feels, and most of the time, he is mad when it comes to the constant swaping from house to house. The mediation agreement has been for about a year now.

My plan is to continue to pay my ex child support for the next year or so (since she is on a limited income), but to have my child every other week so that there is one change per week instead of 3 to 4. He has his own routines at my home, and I am able to watch him. I did have him over Thanksgiving break without any problems, and he loves my wife and loves being here.

My question is if anyone out there can give me some tips or information as to how to present my case in court.

I am not sure what you are really looking for. It seems to me that you love and care for your child and do not want him to be hurt and confused. No matter what you do it would not be right to just have sole custody of the child because this limits the confusion it is not right to the parent that is no longer part of your lives. It seems to me that it is best to leave it as it is now. I understand that he is becoming confused but maybe he understtands that this is how it has to be. are you and your ex on speeking terms? Is it at all possible to schedule a visitation schedule where you and the mother go out to dinner with the child? Or maybe you could go over to her house (or vice versa) and sit down there with the other parent and watch a movie. It is important for you two to work together in any way possible to better help the child. This is a very delicate situation where you might not really get all that you want (and vice versa for her) but this is really what is best for the child. A friend of mine is in the same sort of situation and both of the parents got together and made sure that their houses looks very simmilar to ensure less confusion for the child. Their child was getting upset becasue of the changed environment. Might be something to look into.

 

[rmet4nzkx]

Well you went from a few hours a week to longer periods of time, autism or not, a child is normally gradually introduced to change. It would appear that longer blocks with less frequent changes would be in your child's best interest making the changes on weekends so as not to interrupt the school week. I suggest that you, your wife and mom meet with the child's caseworker and discuss this, same for an IEP at school, get both involved so you can show how while your child is with you things are ok but he is confused with change and how this will limit the acting out. This will also show that you are interested in the child's best interest. Make it a trial to try and then if it works out, formalize it in court. Let mom know that you want the time with the child, and not doing it to reduce child support, don't even think about reducing child support with a special needs child, but do make use of the available resources. You might look to trial the first whole week during springbreak and perhaps a gppd time for thr exchange would be at an Easter egg hunt with all caregiving adults present, associate it with good times. If it does well, try every other week through summer and reassess once every 1/4 and try to share times on holidays and special times. Do your wife and child's mom get along?

 

[stealth2]

Also, in the meantime, to help you son with the transitions and keeping track of when he's supposed to be where - get two of those large monthlly wall calendars (one for your home, one for Mom's) and indicate clearly where he is at any given time.

 

[Phnx02]

All previous advice is very good and sincere! My son is currently being evaluated for mild autism, and from what I understand, a change in routine or environment is very traumatic to these type of kids. Along with all the previous advice, you may want to consider setting up your home to be very similiar to what he has with his mother. Decorate his room to look just like what he has at home with mom. From the furniture to the bedding and wall pictures. And all the same toys. This will ease his anxiety about change. And get with your ex to learn their regular routine.....from bath times to eating certain foods. His transition from her house to yours will be easier if he's exposed to the same envioronment, rules, and routine.
Good luck!

 

[father411]

To answer the questions,

I should have been more clear. I do not want sole custody. Even though I could do sole custody, I do not want that, as it would put my son in a similar situation, and take him away from the other part of his family. I want joint physical custody, with my ex taking my son one week, and myself taking him the next week. As for school, I would take him to and from school every day during my week, and she would do the same with her week. (My ex and I live within 10 min. of each other)

My wife and ex get along, but I try not to get my wife too involved in the comings and goings as it comes to my ex and myself. I do communicate with my wife about my ex and I, of course, but she respects my rights as a father. She has been amazingly supportive of this entire ordeal.

For the summer, my ex did agree to do every 2 week switches, and I would keep that the same, as for all holidays. Mother's day and her birthday with her, and my birthday and father's day with me is no problem. She has been very resistant when it comes to changing, and she is fighting me in court (even though she has admitted to me that the confusion and acting up is signifigant). He has been at my home for more than a weekend a couple of times, and has been happy. The only time that real problems arise is when it comes to the switching.

We do have calenders in the home that we use, but my son has trouble understanding what every other weekend means. He also gets more structure (bedtimes, homework times) at our home (at least from what I've seen) than from my ex.

The scheduling for visitation via going out for dinner will sadly not happen. She does not like communicating with me at all, and it's like pulling teeth to get any info on my child in regards to medical and school. (another issue that will hopefully be changed through court)

Thank you for the advice.

 

[Jillian483]

The scheduling for visitation via going out for dinner will sadly not happen. She does not like communicating with me at all, and it's like pulling teeth to get any info on my child in regards to medical and school. (another issue that will hopefully be changed through court)

Thank you for the advice.

You need to bring this up in court. I personally think that it is best here for the child to be around both parents. Like I said my friend and his ex have an autistic child. They have not only his room but their entire house set up very similar to the ex. They have pictures of the ex up in the childs room to ease the absence of the other parent. They both have a weekly meeting to go over their schedules to make sure that it is as easy on the child as possible. You wanna know what? They hate eachother, however, thankfully, they act like two adults here and do what is best for the child.

 

[LdiJ]

To answer the questions,

I should have been more clear. I do not want sole custody. Even though I could do sole custody, I do not want that, as it would put my son in a similar situation, and take him away from the other part of his family. I want joint physical custody, with my ex taking my son one week, and myself taking him the next week. As for school, I would take him to and from school every day during my week, and she would do the same with her week. (My ex and I live within 10 min. of each other)

My wife and ex get along, but I try not to get my wife too involved in the comings and goings as it comes to my ex and myself. I do communicate with my wife about my ex and I, of course, but she respects my rights as a father. She has been amazingly supportive of this entire ordeal.

For the summer, my ex did agree to do every 2 week switches, and I would keep that the same, as for all holidays. Mother's day and her birthday with her, and my birthday and father's day with me is no problem. She has been very resistant when it comes to changing, and she is fighting me in court (even though she has admitted to me that the confusion and acting up is signifigant). He has been at my home for more than a weekend a couple of times, and has been happy. The only time that real problems arise is when it comes to the switching.

We do have calenders in the home that we use, but my son has trouble understanding what every other weekend means. He also gets more structure (bedtimes, homework times) at our home (at least from what I've seen) than from my ex.

The scheduling for visitation via going out for dinner will sadly not happen. She does not like communicating with me at all, and it's like pulling teeth to get any info on my child in regards to medical and school. (another issue that will hopefully be changed through court)

Thank you for the advice.

Since mom has already agreed to split custody for the summer my suggestion would be to ask mom to make it every other week for the summer, rather than every two weeks, so you could actually test your theory about what would be best for the child.

If it works....THEN proceed with court to make it a permanent arrangement.

I say this because I can actually see every other week as possibly making things worse. Just as your son is truly getting settled into one routine, one home, then he would have to turn around and switch. However the summer should be enough time to see whether or not your son could adjust.

Obviously your son did better when you were seeing him twice a week without overnights than he is doing now.....you have admitted this. Its possible that your theory of every other week would work...but its possible that your previous arrangements of two non-overnight visits a week was actually best.

 

[father411]

I agree with you that it would be better to be able to have both of us with my child at the same time, and we do that when it comes to some events. The problem with this is not on my end, but on my ex's end.

My child is used to not having both his mom and me around himat the same time, considering that we broke up very soon after he was born. The problem (in my opinion) is that the constant changing of faces and houses each and ever week are taking a toll on him. He actually pushed a teacher on a Monday he left my home, and I am sure that there was a connection that he was very angry about having to go back to his mother's house (yet again) after a full weekend with me.

 

[stealth2]

The problem (in my opinion) is that the constant changing of faces and houses each and ever week are taking a toll on him. He actually pushed a teacher on a Monday he left my home, and I am sure that there was a connection that he was very angry about having to go back to his mother's house (yet again) after a full weekend with me.

And you see an every other week arrangement making this better.... how?

 

[father411]

Since mom has already agreed to split custody for the summer my suggestion would be to ask mom to make it every other week for the summer, rather than every two weeks, so you could actually test your theory about what would be best for the child.

If it works....THEN proceed with court to make it a permanent arrangement.

I say this because I can actually see every other week as possibly making things worse. Just as your son is truly getting settled into one routine, one home, then he would have to turn around and switch. However the summer should be enough time to see whether or not your son could adjust.

Obviously your son did better when you were seeing him twice a week without overnights than he is doing now.....you have admitted this. Its possible that your theory of every other week would work...but its possible that your previous arrangements of two non-overnight visits a week was actually best.

Actually, he wasn't doing that well. Because of the small length of time, my son would become frustrated that he had to leave so soon. My ex liked the arrangement, and I went along with it (once again, I did not know my rights, and was worried about "rocking the boat" with my ex.)

The summer test is exactly what I plan on doing. The reason that I thought that 2 weeks during the summer would be all right is because 1. My ex already agreed to it. 2. If it was still the "every other week" the family that had my child would not really be able to take him out of the state for visits with other family (something that would want to be done), and 3. During mediation, the mediatior was going to put in the decree that my ex and I have my son one person only each month, and my ex and I BOTH agreed that is way too much time away from the other parent.

Our court date is in the summer, and the judge will be shown this, and I will have no problem with the change being temp. to make sure that my child is doing better. I am very sure that the change will work. I had my son over Thanksgiving holiday (around 8 solid days, and one month for over 18 days (some weird things happened in my ex's scheduling so this occured). My son was fine, and when we did the exchange, he was better than I had seen him for quite a while.

The 2 days per week, no overnights was tolorated because I was not in any relationship, and I was very sick at the time (I had severe medical problems that made joint physical impossible.) I got the surguries I need, and met a wonderful woman that became the wife that I now speak about.

My wife and my son had an instant bond when she came into our lives, and the anger my son displayed went from quietly annoyed to out and out crying. (He missed her and I, and because of the small time frame, we could not do any real activity as a family). My ex didn't care. After I had to beg to see my son on Christmas day of that year (she said that Christmas didn't fall on one of my "3 hour days"), I had enough, and took her to court.

I appreciate all of the advice (the possible negative aspect of what I want to do, and the positive). I am noting all of the info down for when I go to court.

 

[father411]

And you see an every other week arrangement making this better.... how?

It will go from (2 weeks as it is now)

Monday morning to Wednesday after school with mom. (switch) Wednesday after school until bedtime with dad. (switch) Wednesday night to Friday after school with mom. (switch) Friday after school with dad until Monday morning with dad (switch) Monday morning to Wednesday after school with mom. (switch) Wednesday after school until bedtime with dad. (switch) Wednesday night to Wednesday next week after school with mom.

What I think will work (2 week period)

Monday morning to school to next Monday after school with mom(switch)
Monday after school to Monday morning to school with dad. (switch)

It would be just one change per 2 weeks instead of 6.

I hope this clarified. Thank you.

 

[MandyD]

As the mother of a child with Asperger's, one who has difficulty with change but not to the extent of most other Autistic's, I see this as no solution at all.

This decision should also have imput from his doctor.

As far as the calendars go, assign a color to each home. Completely color in the weekends his spends with you and the weekends he's at his mother's house. Keep reminding your son where he'll be going and tell him the time that he'll be going. I find that my son can acclimate much better to the change if he has all the information ahead of time. He's a stickler for times. He needs to know the exact time something will be happening. Without that knowledge, he'll become very antsy.

 

[father411]

As the mother of a child with Asperger's, one who has difficulty with change but not to the extent of most other Autistic's, I see this as no solution at all.

This decision should also have imput from his doctor.

As far as the calendars go, assign a color to each home. Completely color in the weekends his spends with you and the weekends he's at his mother's house. Keep reminding your son where he'll be going and tell him the time that he'll be going. I find that my son can acclimate much better to the change if he has all the information ahead of time. He's a stickler for times. He needs to know the exact time something will be happening. Without that knowledge, he'll become very antsy.

I do the color coding, and my son is reminded when he will be at the other house. His doctor has agreed that the less change, the better (hence my solution is better). My son works better with days (not times), and while the colorcoding has led to some small improvement, my wife found him one day trying to recolor in his calender from my weekend to his mother's, and visa versa.

When we tell him about an impending change, he is about 50/50 on whether there will be anger or not. He has said "stay here" and "no momma" when he has been at my home, and I assume that he says the same things at his mother's home. His mother does not try to help him adjust, and has told me "he'll figure it out on his own" and "this is what it is going to be and nothing else", and refuses to sit down with me and talk about how we can best help him to adjust. The communication does not work when it is only one sided.

 

[casa]

What is the name of your state? Florida

Hi. I am in the process of going back to court with my ex over our child visitation. My child is autistic, and my ex is primary. My ex refused to let me have my child overnight since he had been born because in her words "the change would confuse him". Because of the autism, he does have trouble with constant changes.

For many years, I did not know my rights (completely my fault) and angrily agreed to see him two days each week for a total of 6 hours. We ended up going through mediation, and I asked for joint physical and legal custody. After talking with my ex, and my lawyer, I was concerned that going from 6 hours per week to every other week all week per parent may be too much for my child to handle. So, I agreed to every wed. and every other friday to monday.

The problem is that my child is constantly confused as to whose house he is supposed to stay at. When he is with me, he is fine, but wants to stay the night when he isn't supposed to, and other times he gets upset that he has to come over to my home b/c he thinks it's a weekend that he is supposed to be with his mother. It has gotten so bad that he has started to act up in school, and is constantly angry about so many changes. His speech is limited, but he is able to tell me how he feels, and most of the time, he is mad when it comes to the constant swaping from house to house. The mediation agreement has been for about a year now.

My plan is to continue to pay my ex child support for the next year or so (since she is on a limited income), but to have my child every other week so that there is one change per week instead of 3 to 4. He has his own routines at my home, and I am able to watch him. I did have him over Thanksgiving break without any problems, and he loves my wife and loves being here.

My question is if anyone out there can give me some tips or information as to how to present my case in court.

Did a professional ever assist you in your parenting plan? I ask because split physical custody is terrible for 'most' autistic children. One poster suggested making both rooms as similar as possible at both homes- which is an idea...as is one particular comfort toy/object which commutes with him to both homes. Calendars work but not exactly in the way I'm hearing. Color coding is great, but should coincide with his school reinforces days of the week- otherwise the colorcoded days won't help ease the confusion. (Neither will giving too much advance notice of change of days to the other parent.)

If your son has a counselor they see who is knowledgable in autism- I'd suggest meeting with them and getting their input and both you and mom adhering to it.

2 weeks at a time would be better than 1 week at a time. *IMO* if you insist on split custody. Longer time in each home with Less frequent changing is better than the opposite.