• FreeAdvice has a new Terms of Service and Privacy Policy, effective May 25, 2018.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our Terms of Service and use of cookies.

"Best interest of the child"

  • Thread starter Thread starter MrsConcerned
  • Start date Start date

Accident - Bankruptcy - Criminal Law / DUI - Business - Consumer - Employment - Family - Immigration - Real Estate - Tax - Traffic - Wills   Please click a topic or scroll down for more.

M

MrsConcerned

Guest
What is the name of your state? NC (Case in VA; previously lived in VA)


I am so confused as what to do or better yet, if I have enough proof/evidence to prove this isnt the "best interest of the child". Any advice or previous experience would be greatly appreciated before I spent $2500 and get nowhere. (Like I have before with this case)

The biological father and I dated for 4 years; We had a child out of wed-lock. He offered to pay for an abortion & I declined. I raised the child for 5 yrs soley on my own. He NEVER visited nor paid any support. I was getting married to man that I started dating since my son was 3 months old. I knew even though the biological father was never around; I could not just pick up and move out of state. So, therefore, I went to file for sole custody...well, bad idea...b/c along with custody comes support & visitation. He automatically got joint-custody and Fri -Sun overnights along with $420/month support. Well, needless to say, my son did not and still after 4 yrs has not adjusted to this visitation. He automatically was told to call him "daddy" (father himself comfirmed this). But my husband has been around since practically birth that he was "daddy". Not carrying that title, but was looked at as this. (We stopped the daddy title from my husband b/c we knew his biological father was pushing the issue). Anyways, my son has seen a child psychologist at the age of 4 1/2-5 yrs old. After visitations, he was violent, using bad language, upsets stomach and crying. Her assessment was, the visitations are stressfull and confusing. He didnt really know this man. He was only around visitation times. No other calls have EVER been made, not even on birthdays. But when it was his visitation times.....by golly "like it or not, he (son) was going". Word for word from the father. Child stating he was hiding in the closet so he wouldnt have to go, crying holding on to my leg not wanting to go. After marriage, my husband (which was previous friends of the father) moved out of state, so I volunterally dropped support in 1/2 b/c he (father) had to drive to meet me 1/2 way. Money talks!!
Point now, he is 8yrs old and his teacher last year and this year have typed letters of his behavior habits and problems that he has talked to them about regarding visitations. He stated that he doesnt like having two daddy's and it made him feel bad inside. He said that he doesnt like going and doesnt want to go anymore. Last year 2003, his father missed 9 months out of 12 months visitation (all of which no calls to state why they he couldnt come) And is currently $1200 behind in support. I have discussed with him his inconsistancy and how important it is to be consistent and structure. But he just gets angry and hostile when I try to talk to him about it. The court cant say that I havent given him the chance. I have very detailed documentation over the past 6 years and I just wonder what the court is looking at in this type situtation. I know they're suppose to look at the best interest of the child, but I know how hard it is to get visitation revoked from a parent.
He told me that we were just going to have deal with this problem until our son was 18 yrs old. He said an 8 yr old doesnt have stress in his life.
Just to add on top of this, his father has another child out of wedlock that he is currently behind in support and does not see at all (his choice)
Im just really confused and wonder if its even worth the struggle again to lose or if I even have the slightest chance of any improvement in visitation through the court.
I just honestly personally feel, this is a personal attack toward me and no concern for his own son. Spiteful. Our son could pass away and have a funeral and his father would never know it until his next visitation time. To me this is neglect.
Any advise....please help!

Mrs. C
:confused:
 


stealth2

Under the Radar Member
There is not going to be a whole hell of a lot you can do apart from really working with your son to get used to this arrangement. I'm sorry.
 
H

hexeliebe

Guest
As heartless as this reply may seem, you'll get worse from the Judge.

Visitation is a right, not a privledge and as such does not HAVE to be exercised. So, your ex bf is well within his rights NOT to see the child or to see him sporadically. Child support issues have nothing to do with his visitation.

To me this is neglect.

To you maybe, but not to the courts.

As for the teacher statements and the pscyhologist's assessment, they may help in getting the visitation changed to supervised but only for a short time.

In other words, it's your responsibility to make sure your son realizes that this is the way things have to be until he turns 18 or until a judge releases him from the visitation schedule.
 
M

MrsConcerned

Guest
The bad part it, thats the way I feel. I feel like he pretty much has to be a murderer or rapist or something majorly bad has to happen before this is ever feasible.

I just dont want my son holding in this anger and in 10 yrs become a violent person.

Thanks for the advice :)
 
H

hexeliebe

Guest
Then keep him in therapy and petition the court for a change in the support payments to reflect 1/2 cost of the therapy to your ex.

But it's up to you as the custodial parent to make sure your son gets the help he needs and ALSO to make sure you all follow the court order until it is changed.
 

stealth2

Under the Radar Member
MrsConcerned said:
I just dont want my son holding in this anger and in 10 yrs become a violent person.

Then it's your job to help him find an outlet for it. Boxing? Martial arts? Running? My son (12 now) finds karate a great outlet. It helps him focus himself, and having a karate bag (and sparring) gives him a place to vent his anger, frustration, etc.
 
H

hexeliebe

Guest
I have a horse he can beat hell out of.

Damn thing won't listen to me :D
 
M

MrsConcerned

Guest
My next question,
Even though he missed months at a time, I have never told him that he cant see our son. I know I would be in major trouble. So, we suck it up and deal with. But, my son told me the other day that he doesnt want to go anymore, it makes him feel bad. What if next month our son told him that he doesnt want to go. What am I looking at at this point? Trouble for me?

Its just amazing that he helped make this child and didnt want it but I was in no way, any other option but to have it & he leaves never coming around for 5 yrs and now wants to play "daddy" when its convienant for him. ONLY b/c I went to court 4 yrs ago. If I would have never went to court.....this would not even be an issue right now.

I do have anger and bitterness. But Im sure anyone could see why. But I do not and have not let it affect the situation. I myself have"sucked it up" and deal with it.
 
H

hexeliebe

Guest
What if next month our son told him that he doesnt want to go. What am I looking at at this point? Trouble for me?

Only if you don't send him. Listen, do you let your son lay in bed when he doesn't want to go to school or the dentist? Or course not. Well, like it or not, this is exactly the same thing. Except, if he doesn't go, you're ass could be in jail.

ONLY b/c I went to court 4 yrs ago. If I would have never went to court.....this would not even be an issue right now.

Sorry, but that is wrong.

I do have anger and bitterness. But Im sure anyone could see why. But I do not and have not let it affect the situation. I myself have"sucked it up" and deal with it.

You may think so, but children 'sense' our feelings and react to them. Although you may take this as an attack on you, it's not. You need counselling as much as your son, maybe even together.
 
M

MrsConcerned

Guest
(Quote) Although you may take this as an attack on you, it's not(Quote)

I guess no matter what.....one can NEVER understand your situtation until you've walked a mile in their shoes.

I would give anything to switch roles with someone in the justice system to see that not all child cases are the same.

Anyone can be a Father, but it takes someone special to be a Daddy. My Father was not my Dad. He was as irresponsible as this "sperm donor" that Im dealing with now.

Counseling? If I've been able to handle it this long, I'll do it 'til the end of time. As for my son, I pray daily for strength, understanding and wisdom for him. Prayer is going to be the ONLY way his mind isnt demented.
 

stealth2

Under the Radar Member
MrsConcerned said:
( Prayer is going to be the ONLY way his mind isnt demented.

Maybe, maybe not. But it's unlikely that having someone other than Mom help him sort it out will be hurtful.
 
I just want you to know that I wish you and your son the very best for the future. I wish there were more that could be done for your situation.


Joe
 
M

MrsConcerned

Guest
Thank you Joe. I appreciate someone just being there to listen and wish the best for my son!

Thank you. This makes the post worthwhile.

:)
 

Find the Right Lawyer for Your Legal Issue!

Fast, Free, and Confidential
Top