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CA custofy modification

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cascole

Junior Member
What is the name of your state? CA

My ex-husband is stating that he wants more custody (~20%) of our 10 year old son (and baby on the way) . I was granted sole legal and physical custody of our son ten years ago & he was not a part of his life at all for the fiorst 3 years. He was given visitation of ~10% (1 weekend per month) which he has never maintained on a regular basis for more than 3 months, even to date. His living situation is such that he sleeps on a friend's (and his family) couch & does not even have a room of his own. While I don't object to him spending more time with our son (or our new baby) I believe he should have to prove he can maintain the initial level of visitation for some period of time (12-18 mos?) before being given more legal or physical custody. I believe he is attempting to gain more custody on paper in an attempt to lower the support obligations he will have once our second child is born and modifications are made to the support he has been paying for our 10 year old. (I have never raised his support in these past 10 years) I don't believe he will actually take the extra time. One other factor is that he is in the military (career) & will be (and has expressed desire to) going back to sea within the next 2 years.

Will the judge make him prove he can maintain a level of contact before changing the orders?
 


VeronicaGia

Senior Member
cascole said:
What is the name of your state? CA

My ex-husband is stating that he wants more custody (~20%) of our 10 year old son (and baby on the way) . I was granted sole legal and physical custody of our son ten years ago & he was not a part of his life at all for the fiorst 3 years.

**Why is this important? That was a long time ago. You obviously forgave him since 10 years later you're having another child with him.

He was given visitation of ~10% (1 weekend per month) which he has never maintained on a regular basis for more than 3 months, even to date. His living situation is such that he sleeps on a friend's (and his family) couch & does not even have a room of his own. While I don't object to him spending more time with our son (or our new baby) I believe he should have to prove he can maintain the initial level of visitation for some period of time (12-18 mos?) before being given more legal or physical custody.

**You can ask the judge to do that, but it will be up to a judge.

I believe he is attempting to gain more custody on paper in an attempt to lower the support obligations he will have once our second child is born and modifications are made to the support he has been paying for our 10 year old.

**So it couldn't simply be that the guy wants to have time with his kids? Why do people think that the only reason the NCP wants more visitation is to lower support? Is it your intent to keep visitation low in order to gain more support?

(I have never raised his support in these past 10 years)

**You mean you've never asked a judge to modify the support. Good for you. If you don't need it why ask for it?

I don't believe he will actually take the extra time. One other factor is that he is in the military (career) & will be (and has expressed desire to) going back to sea within the next 2 years.

**So?

Will the judge make him prove he can maintain a level of contact before changing the orders?

**You're asking us to read a judges mind. No one can answer this question.
 
O

oberauerdorf

Guest
His living situation is such that he sleeps on a friend's (and his family) couch & does not even have a room of his own. While I don't object to him spending more time with our son (or our new baby) I believe he should have to prove he can maintain the initial level of visitation for some period of time (12-18 mos?) before being given more legal or physical custody.

Please put that in your petition to modify visitation, right after the part where you accept the condition that you will submit to psychological and intelligence testing before getting pregnant again.

Don't like that answer? Then why should a judge place any restrictions on the child's father?

You have not stated one reason for any restrictions that the courts could 'hang their hat on' such as sexual dieviance, felony crimes against children, danger to the child, etc.

Although I agree with VG that it is commendable that you have not raced to the court to change the order each and every time something has happened, the mere fact that papa may be growing up and realizing that the children need him in their lives also, just as much as they need you, isn't cause for punishment.

It's cause for celebration.

Or would you rather he just say to hell with the kids because he has to start dealing with this kind of petty crap?
 

cascole

Junior Member
Wow - there seems to be a lot of hostility here. Yes, becoming pregnant by him again was not my shining moment - we were actually trying to become a family again for a time but he couldn't handle some of the emotional stress that came with some negative test results regarding the pregnancy & left... I have since been able to get him to agree to family counseling to work on co-parenting issues, and he's attended two sessions. I agree I was a fool to have believed that we could make it work, I believed he had grown up - as you suggest. These facts aside, I have no objection to him spending time with the children, in fact - I wish he would spend more time... but the fact remains that he has never demonstrated consistant communication or contact with our son. Obviously, our son is the most important factor here & I don't want him to be hurt again by thinking dad will be around - only to have him disappear again. The reasons my concerns are still rampant is factual... not emotional. Specifically, even within the past 2 months - he has spent less than 8 total hours with our son over the course of 3 seperate days, placed two phone calls of less than 5 minutes each and sent three emails to him. While I appreciate that you may have been personally hurt or "got screwed" in your situation, we are all parents (both NCP and CP) trying to do what is best for our children while keeping them safe. Hostility does not help anyone.

As for the support issue, it is true that I have never modified or asked the court to modify his support for our son at any time in the past ten years. The only reason it will be modified now is that the law has changed & support is now calculated based on two children rather than one. Could I support my son on my own? ten years ago, no... now, yes. Can I now support two children on my own? there's a possiblity... should I? no Do I want to lower his visitation time so my support is higher? no... I simply believe consistancy is best for our children.

My question regarding what a judge will do was poorly worded. I should have phrased it to ask if the court takes these things (namely past history) into consideration before making a judgement. It has been a long time since I've had to deal with the legal system.
 

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