Chances of Winning Custody

[Ummonx]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? CT

Hi there, I was hoping to get an idea of what I would be up against if I were to seek custody of my children. Background: Been divorced for 4 years, separated for 6. Have 3 children 14 (special needs), 12 and 8. Their mother and I have Joint Legal Custody. I take them every weekend. Their mother does not work and relies on me for all financial support. I pay way over what any court would order me after a 13 year marriage.

In any case, At least from what I can tell she is not abusing the children. They are fed and basic necessities are met. Everything has gone fine until about a year and a half ago when I suspect she was dropping into a depression. She will not mow the yard so the children have no place to play, She refuses to get her brakes fixed on her car despite my offer to pay for them, hence cannot pick up the children in an emergency. The school which I foolishly let her handle has informed me that homework is not being done, she refuses to return their phone calls. I have resorted to calling my kids every night trying to ensure that homework is done. My 12 year old is failing one class which is not entirely my former wife's fault but she seems to not care. The house is in ruins which she refuses to do anything about and to tell you the truth I am not entirely unconcerned that she will be alive when I drop them off at the end of the weekend. The children's activities are limited to watching television when they are at her house.

I know "best interest of the child" is a high bar to pass. Honestly I feel no ill will toward the woman and was quite happy with the arrangement. But I am really concerned at this point with the children's welfare. So I guess the question I am asking, if I were to go for custody, even temporary to get her act together. Would what I described resonate with a family judge? Would even have a case? I have been told that unless the mother is a crack addict or severely abusing the children a father probably shouldn't bother.

Thanks in advanced

 

[Ohiogal]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? CT

Hi there, I was hoping to get an idea of what I would be up against if I were to seek custody of my children. Background: Been divorced for 4 years, separated for 6. Have 3 children 14 (special needs), 12 and 8. Their mother and I have Joint Legal Custody. I take them every weekend. Their mother does not work and relies on me for all financial support. I pay way over what any court would order me after a 13 year marriage.

In any case, At least from what I can tell she is not abusing the children. They are fed and basic necessities are met.

How do you figure you pay way over what any court order you? Did you agree to pay alimony? If so for how long? Or are you just paying child support? What special needs does the oldest child have?

Everything has gone fine until about a year and a half ago when I suspect she was dropping into a depression.

Who has diagnosed with her a depression? Has she ever been diagnosed with depression?

She will not mow the yard so the children have no place to play,

How high is the yard? Have there been any code violations?

She refuses to get her brakes fixed on her car despite my offer to pay for them, hence cannot pick up the children in an emergency.

How does she get around? What is wrong with her brakes?

The school which I foolishly let her handle has informed me that homework is not being done, she refuses to return their phone calls.

How involved have you been in schooling?

I have resorted to calling my kids every night trying to ensure that homework is done.

So you have finally started participating as a parent. Okay. How far do you live from mom? From the school?
Your twelve year old is old enough to be responsible. Your 14 year old may also be old enough to be responsible.

My 12 year old is failing one class which is not entirely my former wife's fault but she seems to not care.

How much of that failing is YOUR fault? After all, you haven't been all that involved until you found out, put the blame on mom, and decided to start calling.

The house is in ruins which she refuses to do anything about and to tell you the truth I am not entirely unconcerned that she will be alive when I drop them off at the end of the weekend. The children's activities are limited to watching television when they are at her house.

What chores do the children do?

I know "best interest of the child" is a high bar to pass.

Substantial change of circumstance -- that is the higher -- and first -- bar to pass.

Honestly I feel no ill will toward the woman and was quite happy with the arrangement. But I am really concerned at this point with the children's welfare. So I guess the question I am asking, if I were to go for custody, even temporary to get her act together. Would what I described resonate with a family judge? Would even have a case? I have been told that unless the mother is a crack addict or severely abusing the children a father probably shouldn't bother.

It has nothing to do with a father shouldn't bother. But how involved have you been with the children? Why is all of this mom's fault?

 

[Ummonx]

How do you figure you pay way over what any court order you? Did you agree to pay alimony? If so for how long? Or are you just paying child support? What special needs does the oldest child have?

Child support calculations are $x per month. I pay 3x per month due to my desire for my children to live in a nice place. It might not sound plausible. It didn't to the judge who made me explain why the hell I would agree to such a thing. It is ALL considered child support. It lasts until the 1st child turns 18 and then reduces by 1/3 and so on. The oldest child has Autism

Who has diagnosed with her a depression? Has she ever been diagnosed with depression?

No diagnosis, she won't get help (nor any health insurance which I offered to purchase for her above what I give her). It does run in her family

How high is the yard? Have there been any code violations?

Couple of feet, she lives in a semi rural area so I doubt there is any code violations.

How does she get around? What is wrong with her brakes?

Brake fluid leaking, at least what she told me. She doesn't other than going to the grocery store. Other than that she stays at home.

How involved have you been in schooling?

Admittedly not as much as I should have, other than reviewing their quarterly grades and making sure that HW is done every weekend.

So you have finally started participating as a parent. Okay. How far do you live from mom? From the school?

I love this board, blame the poster looking for information. In any case, I take them every weekend and every week I can. I did live about 50 miles from mom for about a year, I recently moved about 9 miles and perhaps 15 from the school.

Your twelve year old is old enough to be responsible. Your 14 year old may also be old enough to be responsible.

14 year old is verbal autistic with about a 80 IQ, I agree the 12 year old is, unfortunately she is the one that is failing

How much of that failing is YOUR fault? After all, you haven't been all that involved until you found out, put the blame on mom, and decided to start calling.

I will take part of the blame since I should have not left the bulk of it up to the mother. But that is not the issue here, the issue here is that she is not responding to the school and only when I attended my first open house when I moved back did I realize what was going on.

What chores do the children do?

As I said the 14 year old has Autism, He can and does take out the garbage and empty the dishwasher. I doubt you would think it reasonable to operate a ride on lawnmower or repair a leaky pipe.

Substantial change of circumstance -- that is the higher -- and first -- bar to pass.

That is why I am posting here, does it sound like a substantial change of circumstance?

It has nothing to do with a father shouldn't bother. But how involved have you been with the children? Why is all of this mom's fault?

Again, I take them every weekend, all holidays and any week they have off and can get off from work. If you re-read what I posted I am not saying the blame is on her, the blame is her refusal to do anything about the situation.

 

[Ohiogal]

Child support calculations are $x per month. I pay 3x per month due to my desire for my children to live in a nice place. It might not sound plausible. It didn't to the judge who made me explain why the hell I would agree to such a thing. It is ALL considered child support. It lasts until the 1st child turns 18 and then reduces by 1/3 and so on. The oldest child has Autism

Then you can't complain about paying the child support. You agreed.

No diagnosis, she won't get help (nor any health insurance which I offered to purchase for her above what I give her). It does run in her family

Therefore no proof she has depression. Doesn't matter if it runs in her family. You have no proof that she is depressed -- severely or otherwise.

Couple of feet, she lives in a semi rural area so I doubt there is any code violations.

Can the 12 year old operate the riding mower? And the 14 year old MIGHT be able to do it. I don't know your child.

Brake fluid leaking, at least what she told me. She doesn't other than going to the grocery store. Other than that she stays at home.

So no evidence that the car is unsafe except her guess that there is brake fluid leaking.

Admittedly not as much as I should have, other than reviewing their quarterly grades and making sure that HW is done every weekend.

Truthfully that is NOT as much as you should have.

,

I love this board, blame the poster looking for information. In any case, I take them every weekend and every week I can. I did live about 50 miles from mom for about a year, I recently moved about 9 miles and perhaps 15 from the school.

Blame you? Dude, you are partially to blame for your children's school issues. YOU ARE their father. You made choices not to participate for a while except minimally. The court will wonder why and question your lack of participation but your willingness to blame mom for it all. Start with the man in the mirror (to quote MJ).

14 year old is verbal autistic with about a 80 IQ, I agree the 12 year old is, unfortunately she is the one that is failing

So has she been grounded? Has she been forced to do her homework? Has she been offered tutoring if necessary? Or does her life just continue as normal?

I will take part of the blame since I should have not left the bulk of it up to the mother. But that is not the issue here, the issue here is that she is not responding to the school and only when I attended my first open house when I moved back did I realize what was going on.

Actually that is part of the issue here. Part of the issue is mom (per you) has checked out and you just recently decided to check in because mom isn't living up to your standards.

As I said the 14 year old has Autism, He can and does take out the garbage and empty the dishwasher. I doubt you would think it reasonable to operate a ride on lawnmower or repair a leaky pipe.

What about the other two children? They can't dust, vacuum, clean their rooms, or do laundry?

That is why I am posting here, does it sound like a substantial change of circumstance?

Maybe, maybe not. More so toward not because you have no proof of anything but a lot of assumptions and blame towards mom.

Again, I take them every weekend, all holidays and any week they have off and can get off from work. If you re-read what I posted I am not saying the blame is on her, the blame is her refusal to do anything about the situation.

The blame is on her not doing what you have demanded. Hence on her not listening to your orders.

 

[stealth2]

I really don't see a change in custody unless you can prove her unfit. She is providing the basic requirements, and the one place she seems to fall down - the 12yo's schooling - you've done little to help until very recently. You have no proof that her possible depression (which you have no proof of) is harming the children. The rest? Is really picking.

 

[Ummonx]

Then you can't complain about paying the child support. You agreed.

Who is complaining? Stop putting words in my mouth, I was simply describing the situation. I would continue to give her the money if I got custody. I don't want the woman to be destitute

Therefore no proof she has depression. Doesn't matter if it runs in her family. You have no proof that she is depressed -- severely or otherwise.

Point taken, it was just my assessment, from her behavior. But given I am not a trained doctor.

Can the 12 year old operate the riding mower? And the 14 year old MIGHT be able to do it. I don't know your child.

12 year old, no, she isn't big enough to operate it. As for the 14 year old, you obviously haven't been around Autistic children

So no evidence that the car is unsafe except her guess that there is brake fluid leaking.

Point taken, Except she refuses to go anywhere with the children since she has assessed it as unsafe. I am not worried about her hurting the children. I am worried that she refuses to pick up the children or bring them anywhere. I am worried they sit in the house and watch television all day. I am worried my daughter will not be able to go to after school tutoring because she doesn't have a ride home.

Truthfully that is NOT as much as you should have.

Blame you? Dude, you are partially to blame for your children's school issues. YOU ARE their father. You made choices not to participate for a while except minimally. The court will wonder why and question your lack of participation but your willingness to blame mom for it all. Start with the man in the mirror (to quote MJ).

Again, not putting blame for the historical issues. Its the present issues.

So has she been grounded? Has she been forced to do her homework? Has she been offered tutoring if necessary? Or does her life just continue as normal?

How exactly would I go about grounding her while I have her only on the weekends? Not to mention she cannot go anywhere since the brakes on the car are shot. She is forced to do her homework when she is with me, I am getting help from the school on that front. I have enrolled her in tutoring starting this week.

Actually that is part of the issue here. Part of the issue is mom (per you) has checked out and you just recently decided to check in because mom isn't living up to your standards.

I wouldn't say I checked out, I was admittedly not as engaged as I should have been. That is my fault which I take the blame. Now its about fixing the issue, when you have no support from the parent with custody its a little difficult.

What about the other two children? They can't dust, vacuum, clean their rooms, or do laundry?

Yes, that doesn't help the fact the washing machine is emptying out into the basement and she refuses to fix it.

Maybe, maybe not. More so toward not because you have no proof of anything but a lot of assumptions and blame towards mom.

You seem to be fixated on this blame mom nonsense. I am not. I suggest you leave your downtrodden women syndrome at the door. Nor am I assuming anything. I have the reports from the school, I have the documentation from the school. I can prove within reason that she is not responding to school requests which is one of the reasons I am considering this. I can take pictures of the condition of the house and yard.

The blame is on her not doing what you have demanded. Hence on her not listening to your orders.

I am not demanding anything, I just would like my daughter to not fail 7th grade and make sure the children are being cared for.

But thank you for answering the question. From your replies if you are an attorney you make some good points and suggest I don't have a chance in the world until something worse happens.

 

[stealth2]

12 year old, no, she isn't big enough to operate it. As for the 14 year old, you obviously haven't been around Autistic children

I will simply note that, like all children, kids with Autism are individuals and all exhibit different abilities/disabilities. Some are more able than others at various activities.

 

[Ummonx]

I will simply note that, like all children, kids with Autism are individuals and all exhibit different abilities/disabilities. Some are more able than others at various activities.

Agreed and thank you for your assessment which I missed. The property borders a rather large river. If I were there to teach him, I think he could do it. But since she does not, I am not comfortable putting a child like that on a power mower which could easily end up in the drink. Sadly I think he would enjoy doing it.

 

[stealth2]

Agreed and thank you for your assessment which I missed. The property borders a rather large river. If I were there to teach him, I think he could do it. But since she does not, I am not comfortable putting a child like that on a power mower which could easily end up in the drink. Sadly I think he would enjoy doing it.

My point was more that you should not assume that OG has no experience with autistic kids. As a GAL, I would think she likely has more experience than you do.

 

[outhouse]

I love this board, blame the poster looking for information.

there only half as tough as a judge, who will/can be more critical


The depression thing wont help as long as its not detrimental to the childrens health and well being.


listen to their advise, whether I liked it or not, it helped me. It can help you attck this from the right angle

 

[PQN]

Have you tried talking with mom about the kids staying with you more often? Maybe add a Wednesday overnight so you can get homework done midweek?

 

[not2cleverRed]

Child support calculations are $x per month. I pay 3x per month due to my desire for my children to live in a nice place. It might not sound plausible. It didn't to the judge who made me explain why the hell I would agree to such a thing. It is ALL considered child support. It lasts until the 1st child turns 18 and then reduces by 1/3 and so on. The oldest child has Autism

14 year old is verbal autistic with about a 80 IQ, I agree the 12 year old is, unfortunately she is the one that is failing

As I said the 14 year old has Autism, He can and does take out the garbage and empty the dishwasher. I doubt you would think it reasonable to operate a ride on lawnmower or repair a leaky pipe.

I'm curious... So what exactly do you expect to happen when your oldest child turns 18? Do you expect the child to suddenly be "cured" and living independently? Or going into a home?

You can't have it both ways - he can't be low functioning AND independent. And perhaps you should be working WITH mom on getting her some of the help and support she needs.

As for the rider lawn mower - yeah, the 14 year old can probably be trained to do it and stay out of the water. My neighbor is autistic with a IQ of 60 and has managed to mow my lawn detouring into the river. (With lots of supervision.) For him, using the rider mower is a bit of a treat, as he will never be able to legally drive a car. You and your wife should work on finding things that the 14 year old can learn to do (under supervision) - it will give him a sense of accomplishment, and perhaps enrich everyone's life. Half of the reason your wife is probably depressed is that she is just overwhelmed.

And I wouldn't be surprised if half of the 12 year old is failing is that he just feels lost/ignored - so find something for him to excel at too.

 

[MichaCA]

What exactly would you want to see happen in court?

You have a job during the week - how would you care for the children, get one child to tutoring, do dinner, etc., and get them to school the next morning. Is that what you are asking to do, during the week? The primary question being how would this help the child who is failing a class? And if you CAN do something like this during the week, do you need a court order or can you just discuss it with mom and work it out? Sounds like she is OK you having every weekend (unusual) maybe she would like more help.

Have you sat down, talked with the teachers, and figured out exactly what must be done?

Have you made an appt. with mom, sat down with her, and discussed how to help child...what are you both willing to do in your respective homes? If mom is truly having a problem, maybe she would be receptive if you kindly offered to help out some during the week? Sit down, discuss these issues with mom with an open mind. I don't hear of any hostility between the two of you...maybe you can be friendly about coparenting. Discuss the brake fluid. If she truly is not dealing with that, ask her kindly why not? It is a significant safety hazard if she is choosing to drive with no brake fluid. Ask her what you can do to help her fix it.

Also, ask about you and mom having an appt. at the school with the teacher/s. I am a bit surprised that has not happened yet. A teacher will tell the both of you exactly what is going on, and what is needed.

I suggest this alternative route as, if mom is depressed - you can't prove it - I just don't see court doing much. I sometimes wonder if when there is no hostility, if attempts to coparent wouldn't be much better, and more effective for everyone - than trying for a vague (to me) change in court orders.

 

[Just Blue]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? CT

Hi there, I was hoping to get an idea of what I would be up against if I were to seek custody of my children. Background: Been divorced for 4 years, separated for 6. Have 3 children 14 (special needs), 12 and 8. Their mother and I have Joint Legal Custody. I take them every weekend. Their mother does not work and relies on me for all financial support. I pay way over what any court would order me after a 13 year marriage.

In any case, At least from what I can tell she is not abusing the children. They are fed and basic necessities are met. Everything has gone fine until about a year and a half ago when I suspect she was dropping into a depression. She will not mow the yard so the children have no place to play, She refuses to get her brakes fixed on her car despite my offer to pay for them, hence cannot pick up the children in an emergency. The school which I foolishly let her handle has informed me that homework is not being done, she refuses to return their phone calls. I have resorted to calling my kids every night trying to ensure that homework is done. My 12 year old is failing one class which is not entirely my former wife's fault but she seems to not care. The house is in ruins which she refuses to do anything about and to tell you the truth I am not entirely unconcerned that she will be alive when I drop them off at the end of the weekend. The children's activities are limited to watching television when they are at her house.

I know "best interest of the child" is a high bar to pass. Honestly I feel no ill will toward the woman and was quite happy with the arrangement. But I am really concerned at this point with the children's welfare. So I guess the question I am asking, if I were to go for custody, even temporary to get her act together. Would what I described resonate with a family judge? Would even have a case? I have been told that unless the mother is a crack addict or severely abusing the children a father probably shouldn't bother.

Thanks in advanced

Could you please post the EXACT Dx, per the Pediatric Neurologist, for the 14 year old? Thank You.