My ex and I both live in PA. Our oldest daughter has stated that after school starts this year, she would like to only go to her Dad's one weekend a month instead of the two that they do now.Reason being, she would like to be able to join in some sports activities(which unfortunatly, at her school, are predominately on Friday nights and Saturday afternoons)And so that she can attend cathecism classes(Sat morn.)I brought the subject up to my ex, because she doesn't want to hurt Dad's feelings. He flat out said no. We have no court ordered visitation schedule, just what we worked out in our divorce agreement two years ago.Can I sonmehow have it changed and would anyone take into consideration her wishes? She is 9 1/2. I have also heard from divorced friends that have dealt with these issues, if she is signed up for these things,and if games or whatever occur on his weekend he is responsible for making sure that she is there. He refused, saying that it was my choice to move an hour and a half away, (he never objected)so he has no responsibility. And that she can just miss those weekends. Can anyone give me advice on what to do? She said she's tired of being the only one of her friends that can't "do all the fun stuff because she has to be gone". Help!
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changing visitation due to child's wishes?
- Thread starter lisars
- Start date
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meleahk1
Guest
i'm sorry why on earth would any parent want to be so selfish as to not allow their child to grow and improve themselves.
perhaps he can pick her from school and take her to other classes, this would still allow for them to visit and he may just get something wonderful from it. of course you can't not make her go to her dads, he can take you into court for violation of visitation. let the courts decide.
if you don't have a court ordered visitation, then get one. you can file yourself. a judge is always going to look at the better of the child. always!
check the laws of your state. call and get a web address from your local court house. most forms are available online now days for you to print. also ask about the fee in filing.
i have to say this strickly on a personal note and personal belief, my 15 year old has been actively involved in our church and her school for years. and although it may hurt her fathers feelings, he has never and would never tell her not to try and better herself, nor would he ever try and make her feel bad about not seeing him. I am appalled at ANY parent who would deny their child their right to better themselves. GROW UP PARENTS AND STOP BEING SO DARNED SELFISH!
one other things, if court ordered he will have no choice but to take his daughter to her games. i would think he would want to without acting childish and selfish and without a court order.
[Edited by meleahk1 on 07-30-2001 at 12:14 PM]
perhaps he can pick her from school and take her to other classes, this would still allow for them to visit and he may just get something wonderful from it. of course you can't not make her go to her dads, he can take you into court for violation of visitation. let the courts decide.
if you don't have a court ordered visitation, then get one. you can file yourself. a judge is always going to look at the better of the child. always!
check the laws of your state. call and get a web address from your local court house. most forms are available online now days for you to print. also ask about the fee in filing.
i have to say this strickly on a personal note and personal belief, my 15 year old has been actively involved in our church and her school for years. and although it may hurt her fathers feelings, he has never and would never tell her not to try and better herself, nor would he ever try and make her feel bad about not seeing him. I am appalled at ANY parent who would deny their child their right to better themselves. GROW UP PARENTS AND STOP BEING SO DARNED SELFISH!
one other things, if court ordered he will have no choice but to take his daughter to her games. i would think he would want to without acting childish and selfish and without a court order.
[Edited by meleahk1 on 07-30-2001 at 12:14 PM]
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cott2
Guest
hi,i live in va.my husband shares joint custody with his ex-girlfriend.his ex has physical custody only,so anything concernng their son they are suppossed to talk over but they can't talk at all so i do all the conversing with the mother of my step-son.anyway,we tried to get her to sign him up for some kind of sports but she said
'no" flat out,so we told her we were going to do it over by our house and she said she wouldn't bring him to anything we signed him up for because it was her time we were taking up,after a few months she finally signed him up for tee ball and we were expected to get him to all practices and games which always fell on our weekends and we did the first year but our lawyer told us we didn't have to but it did look good that we were trying to do right by my step-son and let him be involved in the extra. activities.the second year we were also expected to do the same when she signed him up again but we had a problem the second week of practice,my son is in the boyscouts so he had a meeting on the same night of my step-son's practice and i asked the ex to please bring my step-son over to our house after practice and again she flat out refused so i told her if she was unwilling to work with us when a situation like this comes up we would no longer bring him to anything that she has signed him up for.she called the courts and was told we didn't have to bring him,that our time was just that,our time.in va. a child has to be at least 11yrs.old to be able to decide what they want out of visitations and has to talk to the judge.if you are unsure what to do take it to court and let the judge decide for you whether or not she has to go with her dad,don't try to keep her from going just because he will not take her to the activities or he can take you to court over not letting him see her on the scheduled visits that you had set up,i know in va. if you do that you can get jail time(extreme cases).hope this helps.i'm just another mom and step-mom going through it on both sides.
'no" flat out,so we told her we were going to do it over by our house and she said she wouldn't bring him to anything we signed him up for because it was her time we were taking up,after a few months she finally signed him up for tee ball and we were expected to get him to all practices and games which always fell on our weekends and we did the first year but our lawyer told us we didn't have to but it did look good that we were trying to do right by my step-son and let him be involved in the extra. activities.the second year we were also expected to do the same when she signed him up again but we had a problem the second week of practice,my son is in the boyscouts so he had a meeting on the same night of my step-son's practice and i asked the ex to please bring my step-son over to our house after practice and again she flat out refused so i told her if she was unwilling to work with us when a situation like this comes up we would no longer bring him to anything that she has signed him up for.she called the courts and was told we didn't have to bring him,that our time was just that,our time.in va. a child has to be at least 11yrs.old to be able to decide what they want out of visitations and has to talk to the judge.if you are unsure what to do take it to court and let the judge decide for you whether or not she has to go with her dad,don't try to keep her from going just because he will not take her to the activities or he can take you to court over not letting him see her on the scheduled visits that you had set up,i know in va. if you do that you can get jail time(extreme cases).hope this helps.i'm just another mom and step-mom going through it on both sides.
thanks
His being selfish and childish was a big part our getting divorced in the first place. The part about cathecism is what really floored me. HE is the one that's Catholic, not me, but I'm the one willing to have her there at the church on Sat. mornings at 8AM. A prime example of how selfish he is was this past weekend. Both girls are sick. Just getting over a nasty case of strep throat.They both wanted to stay home this weekend with me so they could rest.He always has to be taking them to his girlfriend's or his friend's houses and they never seem to get home until 10PM. He tried to talk them out of it,and they agreed to his picking them up Sat. morning instead.I find out last night that he left them with his mother for the only night that they were there because his band had to play out that night.Never brought that up until Gramma showed up. And to top it off, she told the 5 year old that she couldn't have any cough medicine because she didn't need it. The child hasn't been able to fall asleep because of her cough for the last three nights. And these are the kids "who are more important than anything" to him.I think that if that were true,he'd be with them when they're sick instead of out until 3 in the morning. Or am I just being "unreasonable" like he says?
His being selfish and childish was a big part our getting divorced in the first place. The part about cathecism is what really floored me. HE is the one that's Catholic, not me, but I'm the one willing to have her there at the church on Sat. mornings at 8AM. A prime example of how selfish he is was this past weekend. Both girls are sick. Just getting over a nasty case of strep throat.They both wanted to stay home this weekend with me so they could rest.He always has to be taking them to his girlfriend's or his friend's houses and they never seem to get home until 10PM. He tried to talk them out of it,and they agreed to his picking them up Sat. morning instead.I find out last night that he left them with his mother for the only night that they were there because his band had to play out that night.Never brought that up until Gramma showed up. And to top it off, she told the 5 year old that she couldn't have any cough medicine because she didn't need it. The child hasn't been able to fall asleep because of her cough for the last three nights. And these are the kids "who are more important than anything" to him.I think that if that were true,he'd be with them when they're sick instead of out until 3 in the morning. Or am I just being "unreasonable" like he says?
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deefran
Guest
You can petition to modify the original divorce agreement concerning visitation. If it is not specified as to what days and times your ex gets visitation have it written out.
I understand about children wanting to be active in different programs, sports, etc. but what about a father's right to visitation? Shouldn't developing a strong bond with a father also be important if not as important as extracurricular activities. Both help a child obtain the skills they will need later in life. My husband's ex purposely schedules their son in sports so it will conflict with his visitation. We can never go away on the weekends because the child always has basketball, soccer, baseball, etc. Again, I'm all for these activities but I think the father's visitation rights should also be considered. Surely, there is some middle-ground that will work for both parties and I don't think 9 is old enough for a child to be making her own decisions.
Amen Shanney
Well said! And for the record, my husband's ex expects him to cancel his weekends with son for events, etc. but she tells him just because she had something planned on his weekend doesn't mean that she owes him a weekend. I think the solution would be to switch weekends in the interest of the child but some adults are too damn stubborn. Again, activities should be encouraged but not at the expense of father's visitation weekends, days, etc.
Well said! And for the record, my husband's ex expects him to cancel his weekends with son for events, etc. but she tells him just because she had something planned on his weekend doesn't mean that she owes him a weekend. I think the solution would be to switch weekends in the interest of the child but some adults are too damn stubborn. Again, activities should be encouraged but not at the expense of father's visitation weekends, days, etc.
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deefran
Guest
Lisars, I reread your original post. There are usually 4 weekends in a month. The courts will most likely not make your ex take your daughter to things YOU scheduled her for during HIS time. They will tell you to schedule her for the extracurricular activities during your weekends. Unfortunately children do lose out on being in extra activities, but the courts are more concerned with fostering the parent/child relationship than they are in what the child wants to be included in.
While I can see everyone's point, what you don't understand, is that this is a man who knowing full well when his kids are going to be at his house, will make plans that leave the kids with someone else.Be it his mother, friends, or the new girlfriend that they have met only on the last visit with him. I can't see how this fosters a close relationship with their father. He told me just the other night that it doesn't matter how much time he spends with the girls when they are there,"my time is my time and I can do as I please when they are here". I don't know, I may be too close to the situation, but to me that does not sound like he cares more about spending what limited time he's got with them, but cares more about proving that I have no say in his life. I don't give a darn about his life and how or where he spends his time except how his dumping my kids off on other people when they are supposed to be spending time with him. When you have your 5 &9 year old daughters telling you that they wished they'd been able to just stay home instead of going to dad's and barely see him tell me then that you'll be more worried about him and how he feels than how the kids are being affected. I know he's going to ruin his own relationship with them, he certainly doesn't need me to do it for him. And as for scheduling activities around his weekends,I'm all for it. But only in this house does the world revolve around when the kids are home. And while I'm expected to be flexible with my weekend switching around, not once has he ever agreed to switch weekends due to something that had come up on this end. There's got to be give and take between the two of us, but why is it that always he expects to get his way while never making any consessions? Yet I'm supposedly being stubborn and trying to ruin his relationship with them?
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crystal2
Guest
If I were you I would go to court and request a change in visitation. Tell the judge that the dad drops the kids off with whoever and doesnt spend time with them. Maybe start documenting what the kids say so you will have dates and times of how often the dad leaves them with other people. If he's not there more often than he is there, what's the point of the kids visiting?
I would love nothing better than to take this to court, but I'm certain that if I did he would start telling the kids how it's all mommy's fault that they can't see him and things like that. I've tried my best to make sure the kids don't see him as being the selfish sob that he can sometimes be, but amI only putting off the inevitable? Then I come off looking like the idiot for defending and making excuses for him. All I can say for certain is that if any of this ends up in court, it will get very ugly, and I'm hesitant to expose my kids to it. It's almost a no win situation. And I'd like to make sure my girls don't somehow end up the biggest losers.
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cott2
Guest
the other side of the fence
lisars,
I have already said what had happened with my step-son and his tee-ball games,which was unfair to us because our time with him is limited,but we took him for the 1st year anyway because we thought that was what he wanted.the ex-girlfriend here didn't want to co-op. with us if it was inconvenient to us,say we already had plans but always expected us to switch weekends with her if she had something to do and that is why it stopped and we refuse now to take him to anything on our weekends.if the other parent doesn't want to go to the games,etc. and they don't want to change weekends they legally don't have to.it all depends on the parent and how much they are willing to compromise.take my daughter's real dad and step-mom,before i signed her up for cheerleading i talked to both of them and they agreed it was a great thing for her but when the time came he only went to 3 practices and one game and that was it,after that he started complaining about it and then canceling weekends when the practices and games fell on his time because according to him,he didn't have the time or the gas to waste to come back and forth.i even offered for him to get her during the week or one day on our weekend with her to make up for the time lost but he refused,so i won't ever offer again.come to find out his wife,the loving step-mom of my daughter,got mad because he was spending too much time taking her around to the practices(3x's) and so she signed up their son in the cub scouts,so he had to take him back and forth to scouts because she doesn't drive,even though her parents live at the end of their driveway,figure that one out.sounds to me that there alot of very selfish parents out there and they need to grow up and think about the kids instead of thereselves and what kind of fun they want to have going out and such.i also have the problem of him leaving my daughter with everyone and their brother but i put a stop to that and told him if it continued he wouldn't have any visitations and the judge agreed with me so he can no longer leave her with anyone not even his wife because she was getting pissed for him leaving "HIS KID" with her and she was being mean and cussing,threatening(getting in my girl's face),she took it out on her instead of daddy dearest.i write everything down that happens,time,date,what is said to me and my daughter,that way all i have to do is look back on my notes if we go into court and say "this happened on this date"and so on,that way the judge sees that i am keeping track of everything that concerns my daughter.this is a great thing to do,it has helped me out in court more than once and when i can prove things and he can't or my husband's ex-girlfriend can't ,it's like a smack in the face to them.good luck and just remember they can't make up for the time they loose with the kids and the kids will realize who was really there for them growing up.i'm just another mom and step-mom sticking to what i feel is right for the kids.
lisars,
I have already said what had happened with my step-son and his tee-ball games,which was unfair to us because our time with him is limited,but we took him for the 1st year anyway because we thought that was what he wanted.the ex-girlfriend here didn't want to co-op. with us if it was inconvenient to us,say we already had plans but always expected us to switch weekends with her if she had something to do and that is why it stopped and we refuse now to take him to anything on our weekends.if the other parent doesn't want to go to the games,etc. and they don't want to change weekends they legally don't have to.it all depends on the parent and how much they are willing to compromise.take my daughter's real dad and step-mom,before i signed her up for cheerleading i talked to both of them and they agreed it was a great thing for her but when the time came he only went to 3 practices and one game and that was it,after that he started complaining about it and then canceling weekends when the practices and games fell on his time because according to him,he didn't have the time or the gas to waste to come back and forth.i even offered for him to get her during the week or one day on our weekend with her to make up for the time lost but he refused,so i won't ever offer again.come to find out his wife,the loving step-mom of my daughter,got mad because he was spending too much time taking her around to the practices(3x's) and so she signed up their son in the cub scouts,so he had to take him back and forth to scouts because she doesn't drive,even though her parents live at the end of their driveway,figure that one out.sounds to me that there alot of very selfish parents out there and they need to grow up and think about the kids instead of thereselves and what kind of fun they want to have going out and such.i also have the problem of him leaving my daughter with everyone and their brother but i put a stop to that and told him if it continued he wouldn't have any visitations and the judge agreed with me so he can no longer leave her with anyone not even his wife because she was getting pissed for him leaving "HIS KID" with her and she was being mean and cussing,threatening(getting in my girl's face),she took it out on her instead of daddy dearest.i write everything down that happens,time,date,what is said to me and my daughter,that way all i have to do is look back on my notes if we go into court and say "this happened on this date"and so on,that way the judge sees that i am keeping track of everything that concerns my daughter.this is a great thing to do,it has helped me out in court more than once and when i can prove things and he can't or my husband's ex-girlfriend can't ,it's like a smack in the face to them.good luck and just remember they can't make up for the time they loose with the kids and the kids will realize who was really there for them growing up.i'm just another mom and step-mom sticking to what i feel is right for the kids.
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crystal2
Guest
Lisars, I hear what you're saying about not wanting the kids to lose. But, in my situation, I had to just accept the fact that my stepchildren's mother is very immature, she will tell the kids lies about their dad and me, and bad mouth us constantly. We do not do this. But, when their mom makes promises that dont happen or her kids catch her in a lie and ask us, I am always honest. It makes me feel bad that my 5 yr old step daughter knows her mom is a liar and she's mean (these are things she says about her mom), but her mom made it this way and I have no control over that. I believe that even though it is sad, kids need to see for themselves what their parents are really like. I think the sooner the better. I wouldnt want my stepchildren to turn out like their mom. I would love to protect them from her and not let them realize what their mom is like, but I dont want to be a liar too. Its unfortunate, but that's just how it is and sometimes you have to accept things that are out of your control. If your kids dad says its mommy's fault, tell them that its not true and leave it at that. Be honest and be the best mom you can be and if he ends up looking bad in their eyes, that's his problem.
This has all just become so difficult. Not that I expected any part of having my kids go back and forth between us easy, but I am so sick of my kids being hurt. He's so good at making promises and never following through. It was one thing when he was doing it to me, but kids don't understand. My oldest was crying last night, already anxious about her weeks visit with him in 2 weeks. Of course, they won't be with just him this time, either. He's planning on taking them to his friend's in Atlantic City for the week. Wonder if he'd ever planned on mentioning it to me? She does not want to go. She also asked me to ask him if they could just stay home instead. I tried to explain to her that 1) Dad misses them and would be upset.2) She should tell him, not me because he thinks I'm just making these things up so he doesn't get to spend as much time with them. She's gotten herself so upset over all of this, I don't know what to do or say to her. He refuses to listen to me, every conversation that turns to discussing him spending one on one time with them ends up with him telling me I have no say in how he spends time with them. When I try to explain that I'm only telling him what they tell me, he accuses me of lying. Or even worse, that the kids are lying and that they don't mind him leaving them with other people. Sorry, but I know them both well enough to know when they're not telling the truth. They know they can't get away with it and don't bother.(Except when it comes to brushing their teeth before bed. They always get busted then too. You'd think they'd at least be smart enough to get the brush wet.) I just don't know what to do anymore, do I take it to court for an official agreement and end up with all of the nastiness that will accompany it? And know that my girls and I have a great relationship that nothing he says can change it? Or let it go as is, and continue to be the one she cries to? And the one he yells at for "trying to turn them against him".
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crystal2
Guest
I can sympathize with how hard this is. But, if I were you, I would take it to court and let a judge decide. I've read postings on this board where people have said that 9 is too young to make decisions about visitation and that may be correct, but you never know till you try. I can understand that your daughters would have a hard time telling their dad they dont want to visit with him, so maybe if they can talk to a judge and dad finds out from a judge it will be easier. Maybe it will open his eyes a little. I could be wrong, but I just dont see how a judge can continue to enforce the same vistitation order when the dad isnt spending time with his kids. I would keep a log of how much time dad spends with kids so you will have some kind of back up when you go to court. Actually, I would put in the log anything you know about their visits, your conversations with dad, anything that might be helpful in court. If your daughter is dreading the visit that much I would definately try to do something about it.