Communicating phone call time to child

[wileybunch]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? NV

There is a restriction in the CO b/c of CP's abuse of phone calls and texting during NCP's parenting time. Child doesn't know the terms and CP has had child "check in" with her each day while she's at NCP's. NCP is going to reiterate to CP by letter again the need to limit the phone call time and to set the time for the call as the CO states (that was never done). Child needs to know the terms so CP doesn't continue to put her up to calling CP for 30min daily phone calls.

Previously it was Mom initiating all the calls so Mom just needed to keep her phone call time in check, but now she's having DD call her so that's brought this up.

Do you have any suggestions for how a CP and/or NCP should communicate to 13yo about terms of phone calls allowed?

(Those that have followed history know there's more to the story, I'm just keeping it to this exact question of how/what to communicate to child.)

 

[proud_parent]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? NV

There is a restriction in the CO b/c of CP's abuse of phone calls and texting during NCP's parenting time. Child doesn't know the terms and CP has had child "check in" with her each day while she's at NCP's. NCP is going to reiterate to CP by letter again the need to limit the phone call time and to set the time for the call as the CO states (that was never done). Child needs to know the terms so CP doesn't continue to put her up to calling CP for 30min daily phone calls.

Previously it was Mom initiating all the calls so Mom just needed to keep her phone call time in check, but now she's having DD call her so that's brought this up.

Do you have any suggestions for how a CP and/or NCP should communicate to 13yo about terms of phone calls allowed?

(Those that have followed history know there's more to the story, I'm just keeping it to this exact question of how/what to communicate to child.)

I know that she's 13 and realizes there are court orders, even if she doesn't know what they state. Even so, your DH may be wise avoid the details of the order.

How about framing it in terms of normal parenting stuff, i.e., adult responsibilities vs. child responsibilities? Something along the lines of: "Kiddo, you have every right to a close relationship with your Mom. I support that and will not interfere with that. However, calling Mom every day is NOT your responsibility. Your Mom and I are the adults; she can be responsible for calling you when you are here, just as I am responsible to call you when you are with Mom."

That puts the onus squarely on Mom, who knows what the order states.

A similar tactic worked with my stepdaughter -- she seemed relieved to hear that the burden was not on her shoulders. She grumbles so much about household chores that she ate up the idea of Dad expecting less effort out of her for a change.

 

[proud_parent]

I just wanted to add that if kiddo's loyalties are torn (should I do as Mom tells me or as Dad tells me?), Dad can explain that he makes the parenting decisions in his household and on his time.

Then, if he's feeling snarky, he can add that if Mom wants to make a rule that kiddo should call Dad to check in every day on Mom's time, that's her prerogative.

 

[Zephyr]

when is kiddo calling? if it is during the day while ncp is at work then what's the problem?

 

[wileybunch]

when is kiddo calling? if it is during the day while ncp is at work then what's the problem?

It's so hard to answer simply b/c the answer isn't simple. The history is that Mom has set up the delusion that summer parenting time is detrimental to child, visits with Dad may be causing her irreparable harm, etc. (Maybe you saw other thread.) Mom has child checking in w/her b/c only Mom (in her mind) can make child feel better for problem Mom has allowed to linger, pretending child only has insomnia w/Dad when in fact child has it at home, too, but Mom medicates her with OTC and child told Dad. (Also need to note child doesn't always have sleep problems, either, and DH should be the one monitoring any issues with sleep when child is with him, she comes and gets him if she can't sleep and he lays w/her and she goes to sleep right away, but Mom will report to DH child didn't go to sleep until 4:30AM, etc. when DH knows when she's gone to sleep b/c he's there). So Mom sets up situation for DD to suffer and then wants to be the Savior. This morning, her long phone call kept DD from doing things with friends in our area (that Mom has also said she doesn't feel DD needs to have friends in our area, she just "visits"). Now I don't know if Mom knew of these specific plans, but she kept DD on phone until within 30 min of when she would have needed to leave house and she still needed to shower, do hair, etc. So then Mom can say child had to sit home all day. Mom said in last email she's just trying to keep her company because she sits home all day doing nothing, but that's not true in the first place and why call first thing if the goal is to break up her day? It's more about being the parent in control and from the other thread you can see the whole sleep/OTC med issue so Mom had to see how the meds she gave (snuck) to DD worked vs. just asking DH how DD did last night since she did it behind his back. See why it's hard to just spit out a simple answer! LOL!

 

[proud_parent]

when is kiddo calling? if it is during the day while ncp is at work then what's the problem?

From my armchair, the problem boils down to this particular Mom's self-image issues and her inability to recognize that kiddo has an identity apart from Mommy Dearest.

I don't think wiley is suggesting that Dad would attempt to halt spontaneous calls from kiddo to Mom during his parenting time. Rather he hopes to thwart Mom's continued attempts to coerce kiddo because an order was entered to limit Mom's behavior.

 

[TinkerBelleLuvr]

I was thinking about this thread while in the car after work. The word that stuck in my brain was "projection." The mother is projecting the feelings that she is experiencing onto the daughter.

She is lonely without daughter. Therefore, daughter must be lonely for her.

She is having trouble sleeping when daughter is gone. Therefore, daughter must be having insomnia while at dad's.

I think you get the picture.

How to fix it? Don't know, but the psychologist/therapist/whatever might give you ideas on helping daughter learn to have her own identity.

 

[fairisfair]

ughhhhh....I'm not buying it...having recently just HAD a 13 year old daughter, I know well enough that if SHE didn't want to talk to ME...she would just conveniently forget about it.

a child does not EVER need to "know the terms of the court order"

I think you are ALL being ridiculous.

and I am sorry, but dad laying down with a 13 year old til she goes to sleep....well...that is just a little over the top, in my book at least. How about a radio or something....geeeez.

 

[fairisfair]

I was thinking about this thread while in the car after work. The word that stuck in my brain was "projection." The mother is projecting the feelings that she is experiencing onto the daughter.

She is lonely without daughter. Therefore, daughter must be lonely for her.

She is having trouble sleeping when daughter is gone. Therefore, daughter must be having insomnia while at dad's.

I think you get the picture.

How to fix it? Don't know, but the psychologist/therapist/whatever might give you ideas on helping daughter learn to have her own identity.

not with everybody having their fingers on the strings she won't.....

 

[JustAMom2five]

ughhhhh....I'm not buying it...having recently just HAD a 13 year old daughter, I know well enough that if SHE didn't want to talk to ME...she would just conveniently forget about it.

a child does not EVER need to "know the terms of the court order"

and I am sorry, but dad laying down with a 13 year old til she goes to sleep....well...that is just a little over the top, in my book at least. How about a radio or something....geeeez.

I would have to agree with most of this...

but if this has been an ongoing thing... this projection coming from mother and has forged this very "needy" relationship between the two.... then of course kiddo is going to remember to call Mom and "check in".

I am guilty of this myself to some degree I have a very close bond with my children but I hope that when they are away from me for extended periods of time they know that they can call whenever they want but that Mom loves them and just wants them to have a good time at Dad's....
Also when my children have difficulty sleeping I allow them to fall asleep in my bed.. without me, then they get carried back to their own beds.

Our children are our babies.. they are hard to let go of, but imo maybe some counseling with specific respects to time away from Mom being about growing and becoming more independent for the future... then maybe kiddo will on her own decide that stepping away from Mom isn't so hard or wrong.

On the other hand if kiddo really wants to continue these lengthy phone conversations then maybe it's Dad who can realize that his ways of "helping" kiddo fall asleep are similar to Mom wanting to be there for kiddo via phone.

All in All I wish you the best of luck!
I hope that kiddo can be kiddo without too much interference from either parent.

 

[Humusluvr]

Try googling "Emotional Blackmail."

I dealt with it with my ex. He was the master at making me feel like I was doing it all wrong, I was scared at how angry he was all the time, and he made me feel guilty for everything. It sounds like what mom is doing to daughter. Making daughter feel that she is "ruining mom's life" by fulfilling daughter's obligations to dad.

Great website -

http://www.cassiopaea.com/cassiopaea/emotional_manipulation.htm

Great Great Great book - I have it covered with post-it notes and highlighted all to heck -

http://www.wayneandtamara.com/emotionalblackmail.htm

I'm not sure if its appropriate to buy the daughter this book, but its definitely a book for dad. Sounds like mom manipulated him for years...

 

[penelope10]

I think the best idea is for Dad to contact Mom and reiterate what is in the Order. However, if the child wants to call Mom, then that is between she and Mom. (And perhaps this should be brought up with the counselor once again).

I guess I'm a weirdo. When Lil Bit is with Dad I DON'T call. (Unless there is clearly something that needs to be discussed). Lil Bit, however, is free to call me as she wishes. Of course, her Dad chooses not to exercise his extended summer visitation. (So when she's gone, she's not gone for a long time). Dad last had her 4 days.His sister had her7 days prior. About every other day or so Lil Bit called and we'd shoot the breeze for about 5 or so minutes. I was not worried during this time because I knew where she was, knew she was safe, and knew she was having a good time. It's called giving your child some space to enjoy the time spent with the NCP.

Now Dad called multiple times when we were on vacation. Lil Bit either took his call or called him back later. When Dad whined Lil Bit just said, "Sorry I didn't call you back immediately Dad, but I was doing vacations stuff. I love and miss you and I'll see you when I get back." End of story.

 

[wileybunch]

and I am sorry, but dad laying down with a 13 year old til she goes to sleep....well...that is just a little over the top, in my book at least. How about a radio or something....geeeez.

It's what she does with her mother at home apparently and what her mother has told her to do if she can't sleep while with us -- go get her dad to come lay down with her. It apparently works -- she goes right to sleep. I agree there should be other things explored, but the extent of the insomnia in her life is just coming to DH's view, Mom wasn't forthcoming about the details.

I don't think it's over the top, necessarily, but the frequency of it is and that there doesn't seem to be a lot of effort to help the child work it out on her own. Which is one of the frustrating things of how I feel the child is being taught to be emotionally crippled with regard to some things like this.

 

[wileybunch]

I guess I'm a weirdo. When Lil Bit is with Dad I DON'T call. (Unless there is clearly something that needs to be discussed). Lil Bit, however, is free to call me as she wishes.

I am exactly the same way. I don't want to intrude on the time in the first place. And, my kids have called and told me they are {fill in the blank -- bored, etc.}, but I don't feel the need to swoop in and rescue them (from what?).

 

[TinkerBelleLuvr]

When you are comfortable in your relationship with your children, you don't feel the NEED to intrude on the child's time with (fill in the blank.)

I don't want to intrude in my daughter's time with her dad. It's his time. We email back and forth some. Saw her in the middle of the vacation period while I was up North and he was at work (again, trying not to intrude on their time.)

I really think mom's the one with the major issue right now. How dare she not be so important in the child's life. Helicopter parent is another term that is used for this type of parenting.

Wiley, she's the youngest, right?