Concerned Mom

[254lady28]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Pennsylvania

OK, I'm known for being long winded so I'll do my best to make this long story short......

My son is 5. His dad and I have been divorced going on 3 yrs now. We were divorced in TX where we all used to live. When we all lived there my ex had my son every other weekend, every other holiday, every summer, yada, yada.

My son and I moved to PA with my current husband 2 yrs ago. My ex stayed in TX for a while then started moving around because he got job with State Farm and would go "on storm".

My ex has had very little contact with our son since we left TX other than phone conversations.

I have done many things in my power to help lessen my ex's burden.

1. When ex was still in TX and we were coming to TX for visit I would offer for him to see our son so he could take advantage of us being "in town" so he did not have to pay travel costs as I had pretty much done that for him. Thus taking my son's time away from my family for my ex. Although this sucks I'm firm believer mom and dad come before other family members....

2. Ex did not pay court ordered child support until almost yr later when I finally had to go through attorney general. He only pays 300 a month which with what he makes he should be paying more.....I know I could take this back to court so I'm not complaining....just stating how I help this man out.

3. I encourage the phone calls between him and our son. I've asked him repeatedly to invest in a webcam so my son can at least see his face more.

The concern I'm having is my son's father Has finally gotten his life together enough to participate more with our son.....and that's good....I want my son to have a relationship with his father.....but, my son only really knows "phone daddy". Being with daddy in person is a different story. My son is not comfortable with his dad because so much time has lapsed.

What can I do to help this situation? How can I ease my son in warming up to his dad when we live this far apart?

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?

 

[TinkerBelleLuvr]

Do you have pictures of dad that the child can have in his room? If you don't, ask dad to provide some for kiddo. that helps place a face with the voice on the phone.

 

[Hisbabygirl77]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Pennsylvania

OK, I'm known for being long winded so I'll do my best to make this long story short......

My son is 5. His dad and I have been divorced going on 3 yrs now. We were divorced in TX where we all used to live. When we all lived there my ex had my son every other weekend, every other holiday, every summer, yada, yada.

My son and I moved to PA with my current husband 2 yrs ago. My ex stayed in TX for a while then started moving around because he got job with State Farm and would go "on storm".

My ex has had very little contact with our son since we left TX other than phone conversations.

I have done many things in my power to help lessen my ex's burden.

1. When ex was still in TX and we were coming to TX for visit I would offer for him to see our son so he could take advantage of us being "in town" so he did not have to pay travel costs as I had pretty much done that for him. Thus taking my son's time away from my family for my ex. Although this sucks I'm firm believer mom and dad come before other family members....

2. Ex did not pay court ordered child support until almost yr later when I finally had to go through attorney general. He only pays 300 a month which with what he makes he should be paying more.....I know I could take this back to court so I'm not complaining....just stating how I help this man out.

3. I encourage the phone calls between him and our son. I've asked him repeatedly to invest in a webcam so my son can at least see his face more.

The concern I'm having is my son's father Has finally gotten his life together enough to participate more with our son.....and that's good....I want my son to have a relationship with his father.....but, my son only really knows "phone daddy". Being with daddy in person is a different story. My son is not comfortable with his dad because so much time has lapsed.

What can I do to help this situation? How can I ease my son in warming up to his dad when we live this far apart?

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?

You know it takes my kids about all of five minutes to feel comfortable with someone much to my dismay sometimes when trying to keep them away from strangers. I am sure that your child will adjust just fine. It is his father and he deserves that time with him. DO you have a current court order? Have you modified your order since the distance was created? If not you need to go back and modify it for a long distance parenting plan.

 

[254lady28]

maturity...

You know it takes my kids about all of five minutes to feel comfortable with someone much to my dismay sometimes when trying to keep them away from strangers. I am sure that your child will adjust just fine. It is his father and he deserves that time with him. DO you have a current court order? Have you modified your order since the distance was created? If not you need to go back and modify it for a long distance parenting plan.

There are a couple of concerns with the discomfort....

For instance:

Last Christmas we were in TX visiting fam and ex was in TX not far from where we were. Ex wanted to see my son and I said great. Take him for a few days while we're in town. Ex was staying with fam....no big deal, my son knows them and would have been happy to see them. My ex didn't even get our son back to where he was staying. Our son cried constantly with my ex only to stop when distracted by inappropriate things. Before my ex picked up our son from me I told him our son needed some new shoes and this is what we were going to look for as one of his christmas presents and if my ex wanted to take him shoe shopping it would be something our son would be interested in to maybe smooth things over for them and have something for them to do together. Mind you my son had not seen his father in a year and the Christmas I am refering to my son was 4.

The inappropriate things I refer to is after the shoe shopping went fine until they bought the shoes....then our son was back to crying for me....my ex decided to take our son to walmart and walk him down the toy isle and said anything you want put it in the basket. Well our son was fine during this period as well until the toys were bought and in the bag then he was crying for me again.

Every 30 mins I was getting calls from either my son crying saying he wanted me or my ex crying saying our son won't stop crying. My ex was in tears and didn't know what to do. I know it must have been very painful to hear my son say he didn't want to stay with him and that he wanted me but my ex could have handled things better.

After that my son thought that daddy was just there to buy him whatever he wanted.

 

[Hisbabygirl77]

There are a couple of concerns with the discomfort....

For instance:

Last Christmas we were in TX visiting fam and ex was in TX not far from where we were. Ex wanted to see my son and I said great. Take him for a few days while we're in town. Ex was staying with fam....no big deal, my son knows them and would have been happy to see them. My ex didn't even get our son back to where he was staying. Our son cried constantly with my ex only to stop when distracted by inappropriate things. Before my ex picked up our son from me I told him our son needed some new shoes and this is what we were going to look for as one of his christmas presents and if my ex wanted to take him shoe shopping it would be something our son would be interested in to maybe smooth things over for them and have something for them to do together. Mind you my son had not seen his father in a year and the Christmas I am refering to my son was 4.

The inappropriate things I refer to is after the shoe shopping went fine until they bought the shoes....then our son was back to crying for me....my ex decided to take our son to walmart and walk him down the toy isle and said anything you want put it in the basket. Well our son was fine during this period as well until the toys were bought and in the bag then he was crying for me again.

Every 30 mins I was getting calls from either my son crying saying he wanted me or my ex crying saying our son won't stop crying. My ex was in tears and didn't know what to do. I know it must have been very painful to hear my son say he didn't want to stay with him and that he wanted me but my ex could have handled things better.

After that my son thought that daddy was just there to buy him whatever he wanted.

Great! that means your ex cares about the emotions of your son. And yes he probably tried to buy things to cheer him up but honestly most people who havent seen their child for awhile would do the same. They would want to spoil them and make them smile. You should have told your ex "listen I know its hard but if you call me everytime he cries for me he is going to keep crying because you are letting him know that his crying works. Deal with it in a loving way and let him know that he is with daddy right now and daddy loves him and together him and daddy will get through this." What you stated doesnt show immaturity it shows love and anxiety over his child hurting. It shows he may not have known how to handle his sons emotions but since you kept answering trying to smooth things over he never got forced to try and figure it out on his own.

 

[TinkerBelleLuvr]

When my children traveled with my mother to another part of the world for a month, I prepared my mother with things that would help ease the homesickness.

The items that was most used was a tape recording I did of me saying:
1. Bedtime prayers
2. Favorite books
3. Just a convo about how much fun she must be having visiting (mentioned all the folks)

It gave kiddo a chance to hear my voice and not be so homesick.

In this day and age, you can record it and transfer to an iPod.

Also, you can help prep child to look forward to seeing dad.

 

[254lady28]

I agree...somewhat

Great! that means your ex cares about the emotions of your son. And yes he probably tried to buy things to cheer him up but honestly most people who havent seen their child for awhile would do the same. They would want to spoil them and make them smile. You should have told your ex "listen I know its hard but if you call me everytime he cries for me he is going to keep crying because you are letting him know that his crying works. Deal with it in a loving way and let him know that he is with daddy right now and daddy loves him and together him and daddy will get through this." What you stated doesnt show immaturity it shows love and anxiety over his child hurting. It shows he may not have known how to handle his sons emotions but since you kept answering trying to smooth things over he never got forced to try and figure it out on his own.

I agree with all that you say except the maturity part and that's only because I know the man of which I speak of. By all means I am immature about certain things, so I am not putting him down by saying this. I am only stating it as a reason I think things didn't go so well. We are all immature at one time or another. Live and learn....

My main concern is of son....not dad. I want dad to be happy and secure with himself. We have pretty open relationship right now and can voice opinions/concerns freely with one another (that doesn't mean we always agree). Dad knows I am worried, he is too. He of course still wants to see son reguardless of aprehensiveness(spelling?), and I want them to see each other. I just wish there were a more simple way of smoothing the situation out.....

I know I coddle too much...not only son but ex too. Maybe if I hadn't answered phone as much last visit they would have worked things out. It broke my heart, my son so upset about having to spend time with his dad and having to watch how that made my ex feel. It was horrible.

During seperation and divorce our son stayed primarily with me. It was rough time for everyone then. I didn't make much money and was trying to finish school. I had to stay at a couple of different places a week or two at a time with friends or family before I could find a more perminant residence. For my son the only stable thing btwn the age of 2 1/2 to 3 1/2 yrs old was me. So he's a little attached. He knows mommy's a sure thing. My husband now makes fun of me saying I need to cut the cord already. And I really do try to give my son age appropriate independence as much as possible. The last thing I want to do is hinder him...

 

[254lady28]

The items that was most used was a tape recording I did of me saying:
1. Bedtime prayers
2. Favorite books
3. Just a convo about how much fun she must be having visiting (mentioned all the folks)

It gave kiddo a chance to hear my voice and not be so homesick.

Tink,

I'll definitely try this.....good idea. I tried to prepare my son for last Christmas. He seemed ok...even looking forward to it until time came to actually go with dad...

Just a tid bit more insight into it all.... another part of the prob I think is step daughter. Not that it's her fault.. just situation...

Usually the designated times my husband gets his daughter is the same time my ex gets our son. So like last Christmas we already had my husbands daughter with us and I think part of the prob was my son felt like if he wasn't there he was missing out on something. Like his step sister was gonna have all this fun without him. And because step sister got to be with mom and step dad he wanted to be there too. I don't know too much about child psych... but I'm pretty sure this was some kind of a factor for my son's level of comfort....