Considering therapist for my daughter

[lisars]

What is the name of your state?What is the name of your state?PA

Due to some poor choices my 13 year old daughter has been making lately, I am considering sending to her to a therapist. Some of these choices are just run of the mill teenage stupidity, some are much more serious. I thought maybe with someone impartial, she might be able to talk to someone without worrying that she's going to get into trouble. And MAYBE listen to any suggestions or advice she's given.

My question is does her father (my ex husband) have any say in sending her or not? We have joint legal custody (without a court order, just what's in our divorce decree). I'm concerned because towards the end of our marriage, I suggested some sort of marital counselling. He wanted nothing to do with it saying he thought it was a joke, and besides "people who go to counselling are idiots who are just throwing their money away". I am afraid if he can, he'll veto it. My daughter needs someone to talk to ,and for whatever reason, it's not me. I'd like to see to it that she gets the help she needs before the next big mistake rolls around. If he does object is there any way around it?

 

[freespeech]

I suspect if he has an obligation to pay any of the bill he has a say in the matter.

If it comes to who is going to pay the bill are you willing to foot the entire thing yourself? Is there clergy or a school counselor she can talk to at no charge?

DO NOT JUST LET THIS GO! This IS intented to frighten you, 13 year old in desperate trouble, parent send to her room, goes to check on her, she is hanging dead in the closet! Get her help regardless!

 

[Horsie]

I would think he would have some say so, although; sounds like this is more a financail issue. Have you suggested she go and you be responsible for the bill. That's what I would do if he insists "it's a wast of money".

Isn't the divorce decree a court order?

 

[lisars]

He is supposed to reimburse me 50% of unreimbursed medical, dental, and orthodontic expenses. In this case though, I couldn't care less if he pays his half. The expense is the last thing on my mind. My concern is my daughter. I've not even brought this up with him yet. I was hoping to be able to tell him that if I foot the bill, than I can take her. Something along those lines. Something to back me up. I don't care if I pay for it entirely, I just don't want him to be able to stop me from taking her.

In this case, the school guidance counselor also happens to be our neighbor, so she wouldn't feel too comfortable about spilling her guts to someone she'd be afraid would tell when we're out trimming the hedges at the same time. We (my husband and I ) were looking to someone totally unknown to all of us but recommended by people we trust. It would be easier for ME to talk to someone that wasn't telling stories about what good friends he was with my Grandfather the way our neighbor does with her, so I can only imagine what she'd think.

I am frightened. Right now it's the smaller things like lying, sneaking, lying about sneaking, lousy attitude, etc. I know if she thinks she can get away with these types of things, they will only escalate. The kid thinks there are no consequences for her actions, just like every other teen. But seeing that she's already set a prescedent for bad choices, I'd like her to be given info by someone that she doesn't see as just me bitching at her. I do remember being her age, despite what she thinks. It was hard enough being that age back in the 80's, things are sooo different now, I don't always know how to make a point without getting too upset with her because kids these days scare the crap out of me.Just want her to open up to someone, even if it's not me.

His main issues would be the expense and that he thinks any kind of therapy is joke. "Fix it yourself", he says. She's not capable at this time, and our family is beginning to suffer. Thanks.

 

[LdiJ]

He is supposed to reimburse me 50% of unreimbursed medical, dental, and orthodontic expenses. In this case though, I couldn't care less if he pays his half. The expense is the last thing on my mind. My concern is my daughter. I've not even brought this up with him yet. I was hoping to be able to tell him that if I foot the bill, than I can take her. Something along those lines. Something to back me up. I don't care if I pay for it entirely, I just don't want him to be able to stop me from taking her.

In this case, the school guidance counselor also happens to be our neighbor, so she wouldn't feel too comfortable about spilling her guts to someone she'd be afraid would tell when we're out trimming the hedges at the same time. We (my husband and I ) were looking to someone totally unknown to all of us but recommended by people we trust. It would be easier for ME to talk to someone that wasn't telling stories about what good friends he was with my Grandfather the way our neighbor does with her, so I can only imagine what she'd think.

I am frightened. Right now it's the smaller things like lying, sneaking, lying about sneaking, lousy attitude, etc. I know if she thinks she can get away with these types of things, they will only escalate. The kid thinks there are no consequences for her actions, just like every other teen. But seeing that she's already set a prescedent for bad choices, I'd like her to be given info by someone that she doesn't see as just me bitching at her. I do remember being her age, despite what she thinks. It was hard enough being that age back in the 80's, things are sooo different now, I don't always know how to make a point without getting too upset with her because kids these days scare the crap out of me.Just want her to open up to someone, even if it's not me.

His main issues would be the expense and that he thinks any kind of therapy is joke. "Fix it yourself", he says. She's not capable at this time, and our family is beginning to suffer. Thanks.

In my opinion you should send her and pay for it yourself...and not worry about what he thinks. Its obviously something that your child needs, and its unlikely that a judge would "ding" you seriously for doing it should dad decide to object.

 

[freespeech]

Go back and read my last post. The last few lines were what actually happened to a 13 year old girl, not what I predict will happen.

If you are paying to hell with Dad's attitude, get her help.

 

[ccrawford79]

never hurts to try for state help. Maybe a medical card for her since shes under age.....might cover a therapist. Then he wouldnt have to know anything

 

[lisars]

Thanks for telling me what I think I already knew, but wanted someone uninvolved to tell me. I can't see how what's in her best interest could get me into trouble. Even if it did, I don't know that I'd care as long as she gets some help.

Why try for state aid? This isn't about how much this will cost. I don't think we would qualify anyway, as my husband has a 6 figure income. Is this something insurance will pay for? Ours covers mental health treatment, inpatient and outpatient, but would a therapist be considered as such? And there's no way he has any say in any insurance matters as he provides no medical coverage for either of our daughters.

Thanks for the extra confidence to go ahead with this without worrying about him objecting. I'm sure he will when he finds out, but if he can do nothing to stop it, I'll feel much better. I'd hate for her to get started and show progress and then have him step in and ruin it. Yes, he WOULD do that. Thanks again, Lisa

 

[stealth2]

Another thing you might want to consider is having her talk to a school counselor - if s/he thinks more is warranted, you'll have good cause to go ahead with it. Good luck - that's such a tricky age.

 

[Jordansmom1003]

I'm not really good with law, but I've got family that has dealt with insurance.
First Hand I do know that alot of health insurance programs may possibly have something for therapists. Depending on your insurance you can either get a referral from the dr she goes to. *alot of times explaining that there are some issues going on at home* The Dr can suggest a therapist and possibly give you a referral if thats what is needed to be able to see the therapist. I have tricare, and I can go to a therapist without a referral, I just have to pay a co-pay. So your best bet is to check with the insurance company.
Also a lot of jobs (usually ones with really good health benefits, may have a program for seeing a therapist. My father worked for the sherriff's office and when I was a teenager I was able to go to a therapist because of a program that my father paid into over the years. We didn't even pay a co pay of any sort.
Best bet is to check the benfits you have. Call your insurance company. you'd be surprised that alot of insurance companies do pay for it.

 

[Crazed98]

Another thing you might want to consider is having her talk to a school counselor - if s/he thinks more is warranted, you'll have good cause to go ahead with it. Good luck - that's such a tricky age.

This is a very good idea. Try and get your daughter to talk to a school counselor, priest, or any other positive free figures in the area.

Not all problems can be solved by seeing a therapist. Your ex is somewhat right it can be a waste of money but you wouldn't be an idiot for doing it. All they basically do is analyze the person and tell them the obvious solution.

Depending on the type of person your daughter is it might be a waste if she refuses to open up to the therapist. Sometimes though it is easier for people to talk to mutal people that are not at all involved in their lives.

GL