Continuing mental anguish

[Suzcraft]

What is the name of your state? Colorado
My 16 year old SD moved in with us this weekend. Her mother mistakenly believes that at age 13 children have the right to choose where they live, even though we have tried to explain this is not the case. My husband's attorney filed for full custody yesterday and there is not court date set yet. Her mom has been calling (when we are at work) and stressing her out because she (her mom) feels that the 16 year old has abandonded her. There is a lot of guilt being thrown at her (eg. it is the daughter's fault that her marriage broke up because step-dad had been molesting daughter from age 5, and apparently daughter "lead him on") that she shouldn't have to deal with. Is there anyway to keep mom from contacting her when she (mom) knows that her dad and I are not home? SD is currently in court appointed therapy for abuse (from mom and step-dad) and her therapist would rather her mom stayed away for a bit, but not sure that the therapist really has any say. Any ideas?

 

[Rushia]

What is the name of your state? Colorado
My 16 year old SD moved in with us this weekend. Her mother mistakenly believes that at age 13 children have the right to choose where they live, even though we have tried to explain this is not the case. My husband's attorney filed for full custody yesterday and there is not court date set yet. Her mom has been calling (when we are at work) and stressing her out because she (her mom) feels that the 16 year old has abandonded her. There is a lot of guilt being thrown at her (eg. it is the daughter's fault that her marriage broke up because step-dad had been molesting daughter from age 5, and apparently daughter "lead him on") that she shouldn't have to deal with. Is there anyway to keep mom from contacting her when she (mom) knows that her dad and I are not home? SD is currently in court appointed therapy for abuse (from mom and step-dad) and her therapist would rather her mom stayed away for a bit, but not sure that the therapist really has any say. Any ideas?

I have nothing legal, maybe someone else could help you. Just some other stuff though. Do you have caller ID, an answering machine? Maybe someone else could come to stay with that poor girl so that she doesn't have to answer the phone and deal with that. Unbelievable what some parents will do to their children. Give her a big hug and let her know that some of us care!!!

 

[Suzcraft]

Rushia-
Don't worry, big hugs all around. We considered simply blocking her mom's phone number, but we don't want to keep her mom out of her life entirely. What is funny is that she had been with us 2 days and already mom is calling with guilt trips. I feel like quitting my job just to stay with her until school starts.

 

[Rushia]

Rushia-
Don't worry, big hugs all around. We considered simply blocking her mom's phone number, but we don't want to keep her mom out of her life entirely. What is funny is that she had been with us 2 days and already mom is calling with guilt trips. I feel like quitting my job just to stay with her until school starts.

Poor girl. Is there someone else who could stay with her? Maybe you could just talk with her about not answering the phone if you're not home? This kind of stuff just makes my blood boil!

 

[Suzcraft]

We've got caller ID, but I think even though her mom makes her cry everytime they talk on the phone that she would still feel guilty by not answering it. We just moved to this neighborhood two months ago, so we don't really know the neighbors well enough to have them "drop by" and be with her, and my husbands family is an hour away. But it is a good idea. Maybe I'll ask her grandfather if he could come up for a couple hours during the day.

 

[Rushia]

We've got caller ID, but I think even though her mom makes her cry everytime they talk on the phone that she would still feel guilty by not answering it. We just moved to this neighborhood two months ago, so we don't really know the neighbors well enough to have them "drop by" and be with her, and my husbands family is an hour away. But it is a good idea. Maybe I'll ask her grandfather if he could come up for a couple hours during the day.

That might be a good idea. Maybe turn all the ringers off and the machine real low (if you have one) and then she won't even know if the phone rings? Hopefully someone who knows more than me will be able to come along and help. Good Luck and give her another hug from me!!

 

[needscadvice]

ok help on abuse victims

Touchy subject.. My mother always told me to never let too many people 'know ya buziness' but I still feel a need to help those that are just starting their journey to being a SURVIVOR!!!

First of all, she needs to have a journal and a shoulder ....

The journal is for her to write down all of her memories and feelings about the 'episodes' and the 'reaction' of people around her.

This journal/diary is not for anyone else to read, it is for her to write down what she remembers before her brain 'fogs' it all up and files it away in order to protect her from it. The body has a great way of dealing with trauma and 'burying it' is one of those ways. ANd once it is buried, she will not remember certain details for many many many years - usually she will start having flashbacks and think they are dreams, but then the fear and anxiety and sure terror will overwhelm her and she will remember how real it really was. '
This journal also gives her an outlet of some sort to vent safely. She needs to be able to express her feelings, emotions, strange thoughts, confusion, etc onto paper.. once it is on paper, it seems to help a person 'digest' the information, if you will, and help her heal by helping it all make more sense to her.
2nd - her father needs to understand that she is going to go through ALL kinds of emotions... she may need him to hold her one minute and halfway through that minute, scream and push him off of her and dare him with a knife to come any closer.... (may be extreme here but it can happen).
Her BF needs to understand that she may need to ask a 'male' why other 'males' do this to women/girls. He may be asked with some questions he needs to be prepared for.
3rd - she REALLY needs a mother right now and that means, she needs YOU! The way she perceives this is that her BM abandoned her but she still needs a mother. She is going to feel torn betweeen the mother-child bond and the fact she will always love this woman and therefore, she feels responsible to answer the phone etc - but - she needs a true mother figure - whether it's you or grandma or whoever to console her and rock her (yes rock her if she balls up and cries) and you been volunteered for the job.
If you need any help, private message me and I will give you my email address for future help.
I went through 16 years of counseling and now they say I am 'normal' and cope very well and bounce pretty good - if ANYONE is ever normal.

Oh - the phone calls.. is there a way you can change phone#? I do like the idea above that said to turn the ringers off!!! When my BF would call, just his voice would 'remind' me of everything... I know her BM wasn't the one doing it, but she does resemble the episode (especially when her BM said she was the instigator) ....and rt now you need to limit the contact between her and the reminders - she needs room to breathe and heal and she can't do that with constant reminders....

 

[Suzcraft]

Thanks Rushia and Needscadvice

Rushia-
Thank you for your support. I have been transferring my home phone to my cell phone when we are not at home, and this has really helped. For some reason her BM doesn't really want to talk to me And don't worry, hugs are a constant occurance in our home.

Needscadvice-
Thank you for your wonderful advice. I spoke with her about keeping a journal and she thinks it might be a good idea ( I think it is a GREAT idea, together with her therapy). Her father and I are in therapy as well, to better answer her questions and deal with what has happened to her. I would HIGHLY suggest this for other parents in this situation. It gives you another adult to vent to that actually has help for the entire family. And as for being a mom to her, we are as close as if she really was my child. I am glad that she knows that I am there for her and that I always will be. I will be PMing you soon to talk. Thanks again!

 

[Rushia]

Rushia-
Thank you for your support. I have been transferring my home phone to my cell phone when we are not at home, and this has really helped. For some reason her BM doesn't really want to talk to me And don't worry, hugs are a constant occurance in our home.

Needscadvice-
Thank you for your wonderful advice. I spoke with her about keeping a journal and she thinks it might be a good idea ( I think it is a GREAT idea, together with her therapy). Her father and I are in therapy as well, to better answer her questions and deal with what has happened to her. I would HIGHLY suggest this for other parents in this situation. It gives you another adult to vent to that actually has help for the entire family. And as for being a mom to her, we are as close as if she really was my child. I am glad that she knows that I am there for her and that I always will be. I will be PMing you soon to talk. Thanks again!

Good, I'm glad that you found a solution that worked. Don't know why I didn't think of the journal, it helped me when I was raped (date rape). If she ever wants to talk to me feel free to pm me. It may not be the same situation, but I have some idea of how she feels. Good Luck and more hugs to her (and you for being such a great mom!)