Court Decision....UNREAL....Need Advice!....

[Lils]

What is the name of your state? Georgia



Hi gang...I just recently have begun scoping this site out because my boyfriend was going through a NASTY divorce and I have been trying to do as much research as I can to help him. As I type this, I am shaking, from both rage and sadness.

Basically, on Tuesday, after 9 months of battling with the courts, a biased GAL, and an uncooperative lawyer, the judgment was made in favor of his unbelievable ex....he resides in Georgia, and out of spite and hatred for him, she wanted to whisk a 1 year old and 5 year old to New Jersey to live with her parents. Of course my boyfriend fought this tooth and nails, and, much to his, and my, naivete, was blown away by the absolute disinterest of the courts and lawyers in her alienating behavior. I could go on and on, but you all know the drill, and I'm sure many of you are experiencing the same. The kicker is, she wants to completely anhilate his relationship with his children and make it nearly impossible for him to have parenting time....which is going to be much easier to accomplish when she is a thousand miles away and isn't under the so-called watchful eye of the court....we all know what a joke that is!

Here's what the judgment was:
Sole physical custody to his ex
Joint legal custody (oh, but, when they can't agree on things - religion specifically as he is Jewish and she is an ATHEIST - she gets the final word...great)
She gets to move them to New Jersey, he gets the following:
1. One weekend per month (Friday - Sunday) and he has to travel to NJ to be with them on his expense. He must give her 60 days notice of which weekend he will be with his kids (which of course, she'll claim that he never told her which weekend it was, so, oops, guess he can't see them, I can hear it now!)
2. December 26 - January 2nd every year (he was not given Hannukah and she, the ATHEIST, was given Christmas...even though his kids are Jewish)
3. Martin Luther King Weekend
4. Spring Break every odd year
5. 1 Jewish period (whatever that means) of his choice in September or October
6. The entire summer (starting the first Friday after school gets out and ending the last Friday before school begins)...she gets 1 week (of her choice) during the summer
7. An extended weekend of his choice in the fall

And I think there were a few other things, but I can't remember off the top of my head...

I actually think he got a pretty fair shake with the visitation....the fact that he gets the entire summer is pretty decent....that is if he can actually GET to his kids without her playing games, etc.

He has to pay child support of $1200 a month, HOWEVER, you all are going to LOVE this: the actual amount was $1562 but because the judge gave him a "travel allowance", he took it down to $1200....but here's the kicker: The judge awarded her this much CS based on a salary of $75,000, but my boyfriend only makes $55,000....my boyfriend is a genius, literally, has a 190 IQ and is a PH.D, Scientist who works in cancer research....he has is own business, and makes $55,000, but the judge said "based on the high level of intelligence of the Defendant and evidence provided by the Plaintiff, [meaning she lied on the stand and said he could make $75,000 even though she HERSELF is a PH.D and knows that Scientists don't make crap and my boyfriend presented evidence of jobs in Atlanta in his area that are $45,000 - $55,000] the Defendant is responsible for $1200 of CS per month. WHAT A BUNCH OF CRAP! "Based on the high intelligence level of the Defendant"....what does that mean? So, if he only had an IQ of 80 should he only have to pay $200 a month??? WHERE IS THE JUSTICE?
And she was also awarded a cash settlement of $41,000 (of which my boyfriend does not have)....he has to either sell or refinance the house in 2 years and gets $25,000 and he has to pay her $3000 in March, September and then the following March....and this cash settlement was all based on lies from HER side....he didn't lie about ANYTHING, he told the truth from the beginning, and the judge fell for all of her lies! It's unreal. Also to note: because he owns his own business, he pays an astronomical amount for medical insurance, which he was ordered to pay for his two children.....$895 a month, and this was not taken into consideration at all when figuring the cs, although from what I understand, it's within the judge's discretion whether or not he wants to figure that into it.

But, now that you know the gyst of the story (not including of course the EXTREME bashing I could do of the ex, because she is truly unbelievable), I am VERY concerned that my boyfriend is not going to be allowed access to the children because tonight he was waiting for his 7:00 joke of a phone call from his daughter...he didn't get it, so he called the home of where his ex and children had been staying and was informed that SHE TOOK OFF AND LEFT THE STATE WITHOUT EVEN LETTING MY BOYFRIEND SAY GOODBYE TO HIS CHILDREN!!!!!!! I think this is obviously a clue of what is to come.....does everyone agree? He doesn't know where his children are at this point, and his ex will not answer her cell phone and none of the places he called where she could be will answer the phone.

So, my question to you all....does anyone have any tips on how to guarantee he can see his children? Clearly communicating by email regarding what weekend he wants is not going to suffice....I have heard that certified mail is the best option, but what if she just doesn't pick it up???? And I understand that if she doesn't surrender them for parenting time that he can go to the police and file a report, etc. and then file a motion for contempt, but I've also heard that this is just a joke! That courts really don't give a darn if he gets to see his kids, but they'll throw his booty in jail the first time he doesn't make his CS payment.....

HELP! I'm freaking out completely, my boyfriend is HYSTERICAL, crying uncontrollably and near the end of his rope, and I have to be able to give him some hope!

I look forward to hearing your responses.....

Lils

 

[nextwife]

The kids have been raised Jewish and he got ONE major Jewish holiday a year (plus those that fall in summer)? What about Passover, Purim, Simchat Torah, Succot, Shavous? What about BOTH High Holidays? What about religious instruction and Hebrew School? He was denied visitation with his child during almost all Jewish holidays?

Hmm. How long, she said with curiousity, is a "Jewish Period" that he was granted? And no monthly cycle jokes, please.

 

[Lils]

Exactly! What the heck is one Jewish period????? According to his ex, I'm sure it's something like 2 days or even 1 day! She is an ATHEIST and was given EVERY Christmas (even though Hannukah often times coincides with Christmas) and he wasn't given ANY of the other Jewish holidays because the judge was concerned about her being away from school.....the kicker: his ex took his daughter out of school on Tuesday as soon as she got the court order, and there are still three weeks remaining until the Christmas holiday, he will not see his children during Hannukah, and she violated the court order by not informing him that they were leaving, not informing him she was taking their daughter out of school and not even giving him a chance to tell them goodbye. He has no idea where they are right now, they could be driving to NJ or to FL and he is scared out of his mind!

Does he have a chance in heck of seeing his kids for his visitation from the 26th - 2nd of January? I think his ex is going to frustrate his visitation rights and I think she is going to get away with it!

 

[nextwife]

Well, if she weren't moving so frickin far away, they wouldn't need to miss so much school to celebrate their holidays. Jewish kids in publics schools always have missed school on Jewish Holidays and it didn't keep any of them from growing into productive citizens. Betcha Ruth Bader Ginsberg did OK despite missing school on those holidays.

So, the judge based his decision to deny dad visitation with his Jewish Kids on Jewish holidays (or at least alternating Jewish holidays) because he didn't like that they, so inconveniently, don't necessariilly fall on weekends and legal holidays??

 

[Lils]

Yup! That's correct........the judge believed all of his ex's lies and her family's lies that they will do everything in their power to give them a moral upbringing....that's great, in theory, but there's a HUGE difference between what moral means in the eyes of an ATHEIST and what moral means in the eyes of a JEW! It's completely unreal. He gets NO Jewish holidays, it wasn't addressed at all....except for the "one Jewish period" in October or September of his choice.....I think he got a sucky deal on that for sure, but his summer visitation is pretty awesome.....if, indeed, his nasty ex will let him see them. I just don't think that she will and I don't think anything will happen to her because of it!

This system is so corrupt it SUCKS!

 

[casa]

I say don't give up.
Before this point I wondered if I was perhaps living in the 'wrong' state....after reading your post, perhaps I should attempt to relocate to the East Coast!

I am in a messy situation filled with lies from my X also. It's disgusting. However it's been used to his (NCP) advantage. He lies about his income, because of his job he is able to hide his income <long story>. I got such a very 'fair' GAL that the case went on for 9 months all because the X wants to harrass me and the GAL wanted to be "fair", so everytime he made up an idea he could try, he did- and they had to check it out every single time. I had to move (not wanted to, had to, the house I leased was sold) I moved only 41 mi. away- the absolute closest I could be to the father on my income. I gave 60 days notice, I provided him with the property management letter.... and he filed Parental Alienation! It took me 3 months with extensive evidence on my side to prove it was OK to move that distance! (one month during which time the judge actually had my children and I living out of suitcases until he could decide) I also live in a state where moving that distance is common, there is state statute to support it etc.!
Then he filed for custody after I moved saying I moved to disrupt his visitation because the traffic would cause him to drive for 30 more minutes of visitation.
Our judge not only gave the X credit for health insurance- but gave him credit for approximate cost, not actual cost (which was several hundred dollars lower) THEN he cancelled it as soon as the case was over! Meanwhile he actually filed that I had neglected our child's dental issues, while I was trying to find someone to give me dental credit- because he wasn't carrying insurance. Naseau!
When I tried to file contempt the court just "gave him time" to get insurance! 6 months went by before he actually got insurance- and who knows how long he'll actually pay for it. My attorney said filing contempt is a joke (at least here). My X has failed to comply with visitations- I've had to notify authorities to have my child returned, and the judge said he may have done the wrong thing, but probably was just emotional because he wanted to spend more time with his child! (As if he couldn't have simply asked)
I could go on and on with the case. Multiple violations of court order, failure to provide, false allegations etc. ad naseum!

We even had a Forensic Psychologist on our case and still he finds ways to repeatedly file. I have (count them) SIX evaluations/recommendations that I keep custody. I am told he can attempt custody every six months if he wants!

None of this helps your situation- but maybe you'll feel better knowing that many CPs get played in the judicial system too. It's almost like a crap shoot. I am starting to believe it has to do with the personal issues of the judges. Our judge disregarded reports from several agencies, professionals assigned to our case, everything! At one point the attorneys joked in the hallway that maybe I reminded the judge of his X wife!
Where I live, it's almost like whoever has the most money (or the more conniving lawyer ) wins. My attorney was above board all the way and while the X broke the law, disregarded rules of joint legal custody or my having physical custody- my attorney just kept reminding me to do the right thing regardless.

Tell your boyfriend not to give up. Document every time the Mom doesn't respond to certified letters- if she doesn't pick them up, complain you are not being notified of the child's true whereabouts. Pick the most important Jewish Holiday during times you are allowed and if she doesn't cooperate, document that too!
Keep records of how much his time with the children has decreased. Even the call where he couldn't even say goodbye to his children. I'm telling you~ Make a mountain of paperwork and RE-file as often as you are able. Contact father's rights groups. www.deltabravo.net is a good one.

It is SO SAD to see how parents manipulate the system (on both ends!)
Good luck to you guys

 

[nextwife]

Yup! That's correct........the judge believed all of his ex's lies and her family's lies that they will do everything in their power to give them a moral upbringing....that's great, in theory, but there's a HUGE difference between what moral means in the eyes of an ATHEIST and what moral means in the eyes of a JEW! It's completely unreal. He gets NO Jewish holidays, it wasn't addressed at all....except for the "one Jewish period" in October or September of his choice.....I think he got a sucky deal on that for sure, but his summer visitation is pretty awesome.....if, indeed, his nasty ex will let him see them. I just don't think that she will and I don't think anything will happen to her because of it!

This system is so corrupt it SUCKS!

I'm just stunned that the judge made virtually NO accomidation to the childrens continued religious observance and education. Too bad family court files are not public. Was there a bris? Was the girl named in Temple? If so, these kids are Jewish and she has a duty to continue their instruction.

 

[BelizeBreeze]

Was the girl named in Temple? If so, these kids are Jewish and she has a duty to continue their instruction.

Do you REALLY want me to comment on that statement?

 

[rmet4nzkx]

It is obvious that you are upset and that everything seems unfair but things need to be examined in a more scientific manner, so I suggest that your boyfriend turn off the emotional part and turn on the objective scientific part and actually examine his options, maximize his visitation and ways to make this work for him and his children.

Don't blame it on anyone, and remember the story of Solomon found in
(1 Kings 3:16-27):
King Soloman had to decide between two women as to which was the mother of a baby. Solomon said (1 Kings 3:25) to cut the living child into two halves and to give one half to each mother. When one woman said she would rather give up her claim than have the child killed, Solomon knew that she was the real mother.

How your boyfriend manages the situation will determin what happens in the future and what is in the best interest of the children.

A child of one is too young to travel a great distance for visitation so for at least the next few years that is going to be the game plan. The travel expense for your boyfriend to travel is far less than to transport 2 very young children. Actually the travel allowance is paid by the ex out of the greater amount of child support that is due by the court's calculation.

Your boyfriend's income at $55K per year is a problem because I know several medical researchers with only BA's who make more than $75K per year, I know of a PHD level selfemployed scientist in the same area who makes twice that easily. The fact that your boyfriend is selfemployed means that he can structure/shelter his salary, so unless he can prove how much his business makes and that there is not $75K available for the calculation, then for now, he will have to abide. Remember, he, ex and the judge are all smart and can do simple math.

You are right, the amount of visitation time and travel are fair considering the distance and may be able to be made to work for him if he sits down and objectively works out a schedule for the entire year in advance, of course he will have to look at his work obligations, again, there may be some times when he can work the two together, such as combining travel to a conference in the greater NY area with visitation. If an advance schedules is made, be sure to make changes withing the 60 day notice. Follow the plan and schedule to the letter and file contempt when ex violates the agreement.

Medical insurance is expensive but if he looks around, he should be able to find a plan that costs less, sometimes professional organizations offer group plans to their members that will be a better rate than his current plan, even joining an organization might offset the cost many times over.

As to religion, while I understand his sorrow at not being able to raise his children in his faith on a regular basis, several things are true. First of all, the children are Jewish by their mother's linage not the father, this was something he knew prior to marring a woman outside his faith, let alone an atheist. However he has some time for his faith, all the Fridays in the summer and on his visitations, I would suggest joining a congregation near where his children live so he can make that a part of their lives and caring community. It will be many years before these children are old enough to make decisions and early exposure will have effect.

He can notify several ways, by CRRR, USPS, USPS priority w/delivery receipt, Email, I suggest to use them all, then there is no question.

He will need to learn when he can file contempt.

Are they traveling to NJ right now? It is possible the cell phone is turned off or out of range.

Does he have the address where they will be residing?

If they have been abducted this must be reported to the police and follow up with DA etc. They can trace their travel even if she doesn't answer the cell phone. This has to be within reason, such as if he shows up for scheduled visitation and no one is there or moved? Have they already vacated their current abode? He may have to let things settle a bit right now, but don't delay once it appears they are gone, not just failing to call or in transit. If ex is in violation of the court order report it to the police, when did the judge say they could move?

These are things to think about.

 

[stealth2]

Out of curiousity - where in NJ is she moving. Quite a lot of our schools are closed for Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur.

I do have to say that I marvel that a supposedly observant Jew would marry an athiest. Just how observant IS Dad? Because most who are observant (I'm not talking Hasidic) wouldn't marry a non-Jew of any persuasion.

(edit) And I will add something about her "duty" to continue their religious education. Legally, it is not.

 

[nextwife]

IF mom agreed to start these kids off as Jewish, (and certainly a bris and baby naming are a form of consent) then there is precident that the court can and has recognized the obligation of those that entered into such an agreement to not interfere with the child's CONTINUED religious instruction in the agreed upon religion.

I find it outrageous that a parent is denied the right to celebrate their holidays with their kids because the judge doesn't like how they don't neatly fall on days school is closed. Divorced Persons of minority religions should have the same rights to have holidays with their kids as those from majority religions.

The judge evidentally made the denial on the basis of not liking what days those holidays may fall on - and that is just plain wrong. Jewish children should have the same rights to have their holidays with their parents as those who celebrate Christmas and Easter are given.

 

[stealth2]

Again, the first question is just how observant Dad is.

 

[nextwife]

Again, the first question is just how observant Dad is.

Are only RELIGIOUS Christians allowed visitation with their kids on Christmas and Easter? Do Christian parents need to prove their devotion to be entitled to certain FAMILY holidays as a family, or with their family (Grandparents, cousins?

 

[Lils]

Gang....

Thanks for your replies and input. Several things I must clarify......when they were first married, she was Christian.....it was agreed upon by both parties that the children would be Jewish......there was a bris, naming ceremony, etc. She just several years ago had an epiphany and decided she was Atheist (however, suddenly, during the trial, a CROSS appeared around her neck, interesting that she had another epiphany)! They were practicing Jews, and his daughter that is 5 understands Judaism......at least as much as a 5 year old can.

Next, as to the CS calculations......his business is currently not a revenue producing entity (long story), and the reason he started his business in the first place was because he was unable to find a job that paid more than $40,000....in his area of expertise, it is extremely difficult to find jobs because they are given to immigrants who get an HB1Visa and are hired for minimum wage. Fact. This is why he started his business, so he could provide for a better living for his family. He provided all monetary information regarding his business, and imagine this, he DID NOT LIE ABOUT A SINGLE THING, had a professor from Emory University review the books and testify as to what the actual business was worth, and it all matched what he said and he still was screwed. He provided evidence to the judge of all the jobs in his area that he has applied for (his business may go down) and all of them range from $40,000 - $50,000....the actual CS award was $1562 and $362 of it was taken away for travel allowances.......this isn't actually reality though, because the judge based the CS on a salary of $75,000 which he doesn't currently make and has no PROSPECTS of making....thus, if the judge had actually figured it correctly, he would only have to pay $800 or so dollars because the actual CS would have been $1200 and approximately $400 would have been subtracted for travel allowance.

Next, his ex is currently traveling to either NJ or FL....she did not notify him of this (although she is in defiance of the CO by not doing so), she did not notify him of her plans to take their 5 year old out of school THREE WEEKS before the end of the quarter, and she did not notify him of their whereabouts. He frantically tried to get ahold of her last night on her cell phone and she wouldn't pick up and finally she called and chirped into the phone, "HI!!!!! We're on the road" and he said something about how he couldn't believe she didn't let him say goodbye to them and she hung up on him, so he has no idea if they are going to NJ to her parent's house (which is where she is planning on residing) or to FL where her parents have a condo (and his daughter told him they were planning on going there for Christmas). She has not contacted him again, and he is frantic. He has contacted his lawyer and at the very least she violated the court order by not informing him of her plans to leave, take Sasha out of school, and inform him of her whereabouts. She did vacate the home she had been staying with their children.....and the only reason he had found out she had left was because he was awaiting his phone call he gets from the 5 year old and didn't get it, so called the home where his ex and children had been staying and the nasty friend who lives their gloated into the phone, "oohhh, you didn't know?? She left already!".....and that's all he knew.

Due to a bottom feeder lawyer who won't give him the time of day right now, we don't actually know when she was allowed to leave because he is missing some pages of the court order. His other less experienced (yet more attentive) lawyer finally got a copy, is reviewing it now, and planning to file a contempt charge to the court. This lawyer said he should just wait for her to get in touch with him, rather than him calling her, because it will make more of an impression on the court to see her lack of communication with him.....what do you all think of this?

 

[stealth2]

The thing is that those DO tend to be days off school. I don't disagree that he should get time with the kids, I'm just trying to look at the judge's rationale. And if Dad is not that observant, it is likely that it played a part in the judge's decision.

Just to give you an idea... My ex is agnostic, while the kids and I are (observant) Eastern Orthodox, and our Church follows the Julian calendar rather than the Gregorian that we normally use. However, my Dad is not Orthodox and his side of the family celebrates the holidays as "normal". When we split up, my ex asked that he be given every Christmas and Easter since the three of us celebrate the religious aspect at a different time. I was actually okay with that - the judge wasn't. He ruled that "western" Christmas & Easter be alternated while I have the kids for every major Orthodox religious holiday - and that they take precedence over his visitation. Because we DO celebrate those holidays in a religious manner.

I also suspect that Dad may not have argued effectively for having the kids for those dates. Hannukah is, realistically speaking, a minor religious holiday that has been hyped. And Dad IS getting the holiday break.

Rosh Hashanah & Yom Kippur are certainly major holidays that even relatively non-observant Jews observe, and that has been granted him (although the one holiday period is painfully vague). I would certainly argue as Dad that he should have them for the entire time period. But again, RH celebrations rarely run more than a day or two except in observant homes, so I'm betting the judge had trouble rationalizing having them miss a week of school.

Sukkoth comes not long after. And then Simchat Torah.

I find it difficult, if not impossible, to believe that Dad observed all of these holidays while married to an athiest. Does he observe them now? HAVE the children gone through the rituals that would make them members of the Jewish faith? StepMom hasn't answered any of those questions. I just think that there may have been reasons for this decision that we're not privy to. So chill.

(edit) X-posted, but I spent too long typing all that out to delete it!