Deadbeat Mom

[DsmithAsmith]

What is the name of your state? California

My 12 yr old SD has been living with my husband and I for 3 years. Although there has been a CS order the whole time her BM has never paid. She has an alcohol problem and has never had a job, nor a licence or any real property (She is 38 years old).

My SD has been recieving counseling paid for by the state because she was sexually abuse when she lived with BM. Soon she will no longer be eligible for it, because she will have reached a max # of sessions. It seems to be helpful and we would like her to continue. She has a very strong bond with her conselor, but if we don't have the funding it would cost $150.00/hr. She also is having problems in school and we would like to get her extra help but we just don't have the extra money.

Has anyone been successful in collecting support from a Deadbeat parent? What about contempt charges, CSE has been trying to get BM served for civil contempt, what happens when (and if) she goes to the civil contempt hearing. What if she fails to appear? Then CSE said if they cant get her served they would consider filing criminal charges. Does any one know what the difference is or which one might get better results.

 

[DsmithAsmith]

bold

Sorry about the bold, I don't mean to be yelling, I could not figure out how to get it "un-bold"

 

[MtnMoon]

What is the name of your state? California

My SD has been recieving counseling paid for by the state because she was sexually abuse when she lived with BM. Soon she will no longer be eligible for it, because she will have reached a max # of sessions. It seems to be helpful and we would like her to continue. She has a very strong bond with her conselor, but if we don't have the funding it would cost $150.00/hr. She also is having problems in school and we would like to get her extra help but we just don't have the extra money.
QUOTE]

If your step-daughter has health insurance, counseling might be covered under the policy. Call the health care provider and find out. You might also ask your step-daughter's counselor if he/she will consider billing on a sliding scale. Many counselors will work with clients on figuring out how to afford the cost of counseling. Speak with the counselor and find out what can be done. Perhaps the counselor may refer your step-daughter to another counselor who might be more affordable.

When your step-daughter entered counseling, how many sessions did the counselor say he/she would be meeting with your step-daughter? It's very common for the number of sessions to be anywhere from 10 - 20 in this type of situation. Generally, the goal of counseling is to promote self-healing and to empower the child in finding ways to cope with difficulties. Eventually, sessions come to an end and the child is expected to move on...hopefully with the strength to better handle what lies ahead. Sometimes counselors will arrange for a future follow-up session just to check in with the child and make sure things are going all right for her. At that point, more sessions might be suggested if the counselor and child agree it's necessary. The idea, however, is for the child to become self-sufficient (so to speak)...and not require the assistance of a counselor. In that sense, all counselors want to go out of business.

Another thing you might discuss with the counselor now is what type of books or articles might be helpful for your step-daughter to read on her own. It might be helpful for you and your husband to read some books as well. Discuss this with the counselor. Usually, counselors will have some good ideas of books or articles or even movies which might be most helpful. Also ask the counselor what else your family might do... For example, there might be things that the counselor could suggest which would assist your family in improving communication. Or the counselor might suggest ways to add quality time during the week...or perhaps ways of reducing stress.

Hope some of this helps! Have a great weekend!

 

[DsmithAsmith]

Thanks for the advice about the articles/books/movies. I will definatly look into that. It would be good for my SD to have something to relate too. She has a hard time expressing her feelings, but I did get her another book about a girl who was basically abandoned by her mother. She could really relate to it and it seemed to help her be able to express herself better.

If anyone knows of good books etc. for children/young adults (12 years) that have been molested I would appriciate it?

I am also still curious about my previous questions about contempt.

Thanks

 

[MtnMoon]

A few more resources and things to do...

Thanks for the advice about the articles/books/movies. I will definatly look into that. It would be good for my SD to have something to relate too. She has a hard time expressing her feelings, but I did get her another book about a girl who was basically abandoned by her mother. She could really relate to it and it seemed to help her be able to express herself better.

If anyone knows of good books etc. for children/young adults (12 years) that have been molested I would appriciate it?

Thanks

"Ghost Girl: The True Story of a Child in Peril and the Teacher Who Saved Her" and "The Tiger's Child" were written by Torey Hayden. At Amazon.com, they list for $6.99 each. These are books which you and your step-daughter may read and discuss together if you wish. It may be quite helpful to be able to openly discuss your thoughts and feelings and her thought and feelings...together. It's important to let her know she's not alone...as I'm sure her counselor has indicated.

It's difficult to face this, but statistics indicate 1 out of 4 girls are sexually molested. That's a horrendous number. Being aware of the problem is one step toward healing.

Here's the website addy for Troubledwith.com: http://troubledwith.com/Web/groups/public/@fotf_troubledwith/documents/articles/twi_topic_008402.cfm
This website contains a lot of information which you might find quite helpful. I urge you to peruse it.

Other books to consider for yourself: "Caring for Sexually Abused Children" by Dr. R. Timothy Kearnery; "The Wounded Heart" by Dr. Dan Allender. You may order either of these books through the Troubledwith.com website or through Family.org: http://www.family.org/resources/index.cfm .... or through Amazon.com.

Here is the website addy for Darkness 2 Light: http://www.darkness2light.org/KnowAbout/articles_art_therapy.asp
There's a lot of information regarding art therapy...that might be a good thing if your step-daughter is interested in expressing herself artistically.

Another thing you might consider is going to a bookstore and having your stepdaughter pick out a special diary for herself. Being able to write down whatever she wants might be a very healing thing for her. Being able to look back at entries over time might show her that she's changing (her thoughts...the way she perceives things...etc)...and that reinforces the fact that change is possible. It would be most beneficial if you promise her that her diary is off-limits to anyone but her...that you promise not to read it (unless of course she wants to share it with you). Make an afternoon of it and go out to lunch to celebrate "diary day."

For times when things are tough...and emotions are high...you might consider this... Purchase a small wooden box...and to put inside it...a small pad of pretty paper...and a decorative pen or pencil...and give these to your stepdaughter. Explain to her that whenever she feels upset...sad...angry... she may take her special wooden box...write down whatever she wishes on the paper...and put it in the box. Tell her to leave it in the box...without looking at it for at least 24 hours. Then tell her to look at the paper afterwards and read what she wrote. (Again...this is something you have to promise not to read unless she openly shares it with you.) She might consider putting the paper back into the box for another 24 hours if she wants. Once she feels she's ready...she can take that piece of paper and rid herself of the pain it contains. How to do that? Well, here is where you come in to assist her. You and your stepdaughter have a special moment and with your hand on her shoulder...you support her as she either tears the paper into tiny bits and pieces...or burns the paper in the fireplace (or other safe place). And you encourage your stepdaughter to let go of the pain contained in the paper. This can be a very emotional thing...something your stepdaughter may remember with fondness in years to come.

Hope some of this helps!