Do I have a chance? (NJ/MD)

[KOL]

Here's my story...

I'm a New Jersey resident, and early this year I met a woman who lives in Maryland. She's a mother of two, married, tho at the time was in the process of seperation from her husband. Well, we got involved in a serious relationship that ended a couple of months later when she found out that she was pregnant.

At first it looked like she had gotten pregnant before we started our relationship, so that was pretty open-and-shut. She was having her husband's baby and she was going to try to patch things up with him (also, he'd been threatening to take the children away from her earlier before the baby when they were talking about divorce, which I'm certain plays a part in her decision to stay).

It turns out a couple of months later that the expected due date of the child was way off, and it's actually dead on schedule to be my child. I can't say for certain that it is mine..but I have a pretty good idea that it is. She doesn't know (or if she knows, she knows it *is* mine, because she couldn't have ruled me out as the father at this point) and I have a feeling she doesn't want to know...she's afraid of what that would do to her family, her possibly losing her kids, spoiling her relationship with her parents, etc. etc.

I, of course, am in hell..because I need to know for sure if it is my daughter, or if it isn't my daughter (the baby girl). I can't just not know whether or not I'm a father..it would be far too unsettling. I'm sure I'll want to play some sort of role in my daughter's life if it is mine.

So...from a legal standpoint, do I have any rights when it comes to this child? If it is mine, I would assume that as her biological father, I would have the right to BE her father. MOST IMPORTANTLY...do I have the right to know? Does the law say that I should be able to have DNA testing done to determine if she is my girl?

Thanks,
Chris

 

[KOL]

Anyone else have any ideas?

 

[EPS421]

I am NOT a lwayer but I just have a few questions and maybe just a little advice which you may certainly take or leave...

1. You say she was "in the process of separation" from her husband when she first got involved with you. Does that mean she was not living with him and therefore couldn't been having sex with him? Is that what makes you think now that the baby is yours? Because if she was having sex with both of you within the same two month time period then there is still a 50-50 chance it is yours...or his.

2. I hope a qualified advisor will correct me if I'm wrong but the only way you will have any rights is to take a paternity test. In the eyes of the law, the baby belongs to her and her husband. There would be no reason for the law to think otherwise.

3. The law cannot force you to be tested if you and the woman have an agreement to "assume" the baby belongs to her husband. But the only way to tell the biological father of a child is to be tested.

4. I absolutely hate telling people what to do but I would think very carefully about being insistent about determining the true paternity of this child. Make sure you have a long discussion with the woman and come to an agreement: Having the test or not having it (I think anyone can have a paternity test done without a court's permission)and then either keeping the results secret or making them public. Please make sure you have everyone's best interests considered: Yours, the woman's, the husband's and, most importantly, the child's.

I can tell that more than anything, you really want to know the truth and it seems like you care about this child. I hope you make sound decisions.

IAAL! Please help. Is this bad advice or good? Please throw something legal in here!

 

[KOL]

Does that mean she was not living with him and therefore couldn't been having sex with him?

She was living with him. She still has two other kids she's trying to raise, and wouldn't be able to do on her own. It's entirely possible that it's his child, which is kind of the point of all of this. She has kept a lot of important things from me, including lying to me about the EDD. I suspect there might be a reason for that.

Just given all I know about her and her situation, what she's told me and what she hasn't told me (that I found out), I'm thinking it probably is mine. When we were sleeping together, she told me she wasn't with her husband and hasn't been for a couple of months. This may or may not be true...I can't say for sure. It's entirely too suspect to me, though, that she'd flat out lie to me about when the baby is due, especially when that's especially relevant to if it is mine or not.

the only way you will have any rights is to take a paternity test

That's exactly the thing. I want a test. I NEED to know. It's very, very important to me. If this child is my daughter, I'm sure I'd want to be a part of her life. The mother, however, doesn't want to know..doesn't want to risk whatever consequences the truth might have on her life and the life of her family.

The law cannot force you to be tested if you and the woman have an agreement to "assume" the baby belongs to her husband

It's not a matter of the law forcing us to be tested if we agree to assume. I won't agree to assume. My post was more towards the question - because I might be the father, do I have any legal grounds to insist she test with me.

I absolutely hate telling people what to do but I would think very carefully about being insistent about determining the true paternity of this child

I'm not asking anybody to tell me what to do. I am thinking very carefully about it, and keeping the child's best interest (and mine, for the sake of sanity) at heart. I'm not saying I'm going to do this or that...I'm just asking what legal options I have.

I can tell that more than anything, you really want to know the truth and it seems like you care about this child

I can't just not know if I'm a father or not. I need to know, and I do care about the child (even though I'm not positive she's mine). The thought of not knowing my daughter (again, if she is mine) scares me to death. On top of that, I know I can provide a healthier environment than they have for their two children now. Not that I want to remove her from her mother, but the thought of her growing up in that house scares me.

I wouldn't wish this on anyone...my mind has been going nonstop for months, and will probably be for months yet. Believe me...I AM giving all these things serious thought.

IAAL! Please help. Is this bad advice or good? Please throw something legal in here!

Yes, please...at least knowing where I stand in legal terms will help me quite a bit. That's why I posted here.

Thanks, EPS421. I do appreciate the reply...it's given me a chance to clarify some of my points.

 

[EPS421]

You're welcome....and your additional comments have made your situation clearer to me also.

You obviously didn't plan to have this child but now that she's here, you want to be involved in her life.

I am also going to assume that neither of you discussed ahead of time what you would do in case the woman got pregnant with your child....hence this dilemma.

I still couldn't get from your additional explanation whether you and the woman actually sat down and discussed your intense desire to know if you're the father. If you have gone through your explanation with her, have you also listened just as intently to her side of things? Her feelings and her wishes and exactly how she's going to react if you find you're the father and begin lawsuits or whatever you plan on doing?

Which brings to mind a question....what EXACTLY would you do if you find you are the father? What would be the order of events? Pass out cigars? Tell the woman? Tell the husband? Call a lawyer? Suffer in silence? None of the above? All of the above? I guess this is what I partly meant by "thinking very carefully."

Best of luck to you.

 

[KOL]

Which brings to mind a question....what EXACTLY would you do if you find you are the father?

You're getting a little head of me here, and a little beyond the scope of this thread. Like I said, I'm not here to ask what you would do, or what you think I should do. Those things I have to figure out on my own. My posting here boils down to one question...

Do I, or do I not, have a legal right to know if this child is mine (by means of DNA test)? Yes or no.

However, since you asked...

You obviously didn't plan to have this child but now that she's here, you want to be involved in her life.

No it wasn't planned, but we weren't too terribly careful about it either. I guess this your text-book example of why birth control is a Good Thing.

The child isn't quite here yet...expected in Oct/Nov (still not completely clear). Yes, if this is my daughter, I want to *be* her father. I want to know my child...to be a part of her life...to provide for her. I would want her to know that I love her.

whether you and the woman actually sat down and discussed your intense desire to know if you're the father

We had the discussion. Unfortunately we're somewhat limited to talking online, and then only when she isn't avoiding me. She knows how important to me to know. I also understand why she's so afraid of finding out the truth. I don't think understanding each other is a problem...we've known each other long enough (and on such an intimate level) to understand each other. She knows I need to know...I begged her to volunteer to take the test. She said she'd think about it. Sounds suspiciously like "no" to me.

Pass out cigars?

Not likely. I have no idea what's going to happen if/when I find out the truth. Regardless...I don't think this story has a happy ending...

Tell the woman? Tell the husband? Call a lawyer? Suffer in silence?

I just can't answer these questions yet. First thing's first...I need to know if this is my girl or not. Until then, these questions are academic. I could give you answers now, but I have a feeling I won't really know until we get to that point. I could tell you now that I don't wish to make this a legal issue...fighting in court for legal rights is not what I have in mind. I know that would be a horrible experience for the mother, possibly tearing her family apart, and I don't want to do that. At the same time, if this is my girl, I DO want to be involved, and if she would rather not acknowledge the fact that I'm her father for the sake of stability...well, I'm torn. I really don't know, but I AM giving it a lot of thought. It's not something I'm taking lightly.

My biggest fear is that it is my daughter, and I'll never know it for sure. I dread the thought...that there could be a piece of me..and extension of me in the world that I may never get to know. Not knowing is the worst part. I've never been in so much pain in my whole life before now.

 

[EPS421]

For all the fathers in the world who either ignore their children, hate them or take them for granted, it certainly is refreshing to see someone who desires so much to be a part of his child's life.

I am sorry she was created, though, under such unfortunate and unplanned circumstances.

I hope you and the mother can compromise and come to some agreement as to how to handle this situation if and when you take a paternity test.

I don't think you wanting the test involves anything legal (I wish a lawyer would kick in some info here!). I think you just have to get the woman to agree to take the child and go with you to be tested. Isn't the test some kind of swab that takes cells off the inside of the mouth of the child and father and compare their genetic material? If the mother doesn't agree, here is where the legal info is needed. I do not know whether you have any rights to insist the test be done. I would say that you have no rights to force the mother to have the child tested along with you because, as I said earlier, as far as the state is concerned, the child has a father.

And, frankly, thinking exactly what you would do if confronted with the information that you really ARE the child's father is hardly getting ahead of yourself. You better talk it over with the mother what steps you would take and you two had better come to an agreement or there may be many years of problems lying ahead for all of you.

Best of luck to you.

 

[EPS421]

Maybe you can....

After reading some other posts on here, maybe you can file for paternity in court once the child is born. Be prepared, though, to begin paying child support if she turns out to be yours. And also be prepared for a lot of possible conflicts with mother and husband. Husband may be perfectly glad to have you be financially responsible for your own child, but it may totally piss him off that you were sleeping with his wife. Also, be sensitive to the feelings of the children the mother has with the husband. This is not a good word, but don't be "selfish" when making decisions about being involved in your child's life. There are so many other people who will be affected by your decision to go public.

Again, I hope things work out for the best of all involved.

 

[KOL]

Be prepared, though, to begin paying child support if she turns out to be yours

I would want to support her if she is my daughter. I would do everything I could to give her anything she needs.

Husband may be perfectly glad to have you be financially responsible for your own child

That's doubtful. That would involve him admitting (even if he knew, he wouldn't want to admit) that she isn't his daughter.

but it may totally piss him off that you were sleeping with his wife

It's not like he doesn't know about that. He knows about our relationship. I think he'd rather not have to deal with it. He *doesn't care* who's child it is...he'll raise it and say it is his own. I just hope he doesn't end up treating her differently because of the uncertainty (even moreso if she is mine, and he knows it).

This is not a good word, but don't be "selfish" when making decisions about being involved in your child's life

None of this is anything I haven't already been thinking about (in fact, tortured by) already. I do love this woman, and I don't want to see her life/safetly/security torn apart . At the same time, I have my doubts that this child will get the healthy environment she deserves in that house.

thinking exactly what you would do if confronted with the information that you really ARE the child's father is hardly getting ahead of yourself

You're missing my point. It's not as if I'm not thinking about it, but that's not what I'm here for. I think the most important first step to take here is knowing the truth about who the father is, and that's really what I came here to ask about. There's so much to think about...and I am. I didn't say thinking about those things is getting ahead of myself...I said YOU asking me for those answers here and at this point in time is getting ahead of the point of the original post.

I do appreciate your good intentions and well wishes...really I do. Thanks for taking the time to respond. However, there's no need to point out the scope of this all to me..I've already considered everything you've said. It's all been weighing heavily on my heart and on my mind.

So regarding the legal question here..do I have a legal right to a DNA test so I know whether or not she's my daughter? Can anyone offer any legal expertise?

 

[EPS421]

You say:

You're missing my point. It's not as if I'm not thinking about it, but that's not what I'm here for. I think the most important first step to take here is knowing the truth about who the father is, and that's really what I came here to ask about. There's so much to think about...and I am. I didn't say thinking about those things is getting ahead of myself...I said YOU asking me for those answers here and at this point in time is getting ahead of the point of the original post.

My response: I think you're the one missing my point. They ABSOLUTELY go hand in hand. You can't decide to file a paternity suit in court and then not know what you want to do after you find out.

You say:

I do appreciate your good intentions and well wishes...really I do. Thanks for taking the time to respond. However, there's no need to point out the scope of this all to me..I've already considered everything you've said. It's all been weighing heavily on my heart and on my mind.

My response: There obviously is a need. You have already proven by getting a married woman pregnant that you don't put much thought ahead of time into your actions (and neither does she).

You say:

So regarding the legal question here..do I have a legal right to a DNA test so I know whether or not she's my daughter? Can anyone offer any legal expertise?

My response: I already told you: You can file a paternity suit in court and I hope a lawyer will either back me up here or tell me I'm wrong.

 

[KOL]

They ABSOLUTELY go hand in hand

I'm not saying they don't. I'm saying I'm here to explore my options, not to ask what everybody else thinks I should do. That has to come from my heart. You want to stress the delicate nature of my situation. So noted. Thank you. That, however, is not what I'm here for. I just want to know what my options are.

You have already proven by getting a married woman pregnant that you don't put much thought ahead of time into your actions

I don't know that I *did* get a married woman pregnant. Beside, you weren't there, so you're not much in a position to judge me, her, or our intentions. How do you know I didn't put thought into this beforehand? How do you know she didn't? How do either of us know that this is not what she intended?

Have you ever trusted someone before, and gotten burnt?

Seriously, I know your heart is in the right place and I don't mean to attack you or mean any disrespect. I do appreciate you taking the time to respond, but I don't need this from you. This isn't helping anything. I didn't post the story and say "here, judge me" or "tell me everything that I should be thinking about, because I'm obviously incapable of thinking on my own".

I'm here specifically because I need to know what my legal options are, as that certainly is information I would take into consideration. I don't have any other answers for you. I don't know what my plan is. I've got a lot of consideration...a lot of soul searching and, hopefully if I get the chance, talking to the mother about it before I can find those answers.

I'm asking what my options are under the law, and you've given the best answer you could. Thank you. Now I'd like to open the floor to anyone else who might have an understanding of the law as it applies to my situation.

If you can provide help in that area, please do. If you can't, then please don't post. I'm already tortured enough by my own situation to take crap about it from the rest of the world.

 

[EPS421]

"I'm saying I'm here to explore my options, not to ask what everybody else thinks I should do."

I never told you what to do or tried to get you to do what I would do. I am asking you if YOU know what YOU'D do.

_________

"I don't know that I *did* get a married woman pregnant. Beside, you weren't there, so you're not much in a position to judge me, her, or our intentions."

Go back and reread your posts. You said yourself that you never intended to get her pregnant:

"No it wasn't planned, but we weren't too terribly careful about it either. I guess this your text-book example of why birth control is a Good Thing."
__________

"Have you ever trusted someone before, and gotten burnt?"

Duh.
__________

"tell me everything that I should be thinking about, because I'm obviously incapable of thinking on my own".

I know you made this comment sarcastically but I'm beginning to see some truth in it......

___________

"Now I'd like to open the floor to anyone else who might have an understanding of the law as it applies to my situation."

The floor has been opened. No one with any legal expertise has chosen to take an interest in your dilemma so far.
____________

"..... If you can't, then please don't post."

I think I told you a few times already: You can file a Paternity claim in court. Besides, it's a public forum and anyone can post. I'm trying to help you.

 

[scumcoast]

It seems you need to come to the agreement to have the dna test between you for your peace of mind, but to force the mother to let you be a part of the childs life even if the test shows you are the father means a lot of problems. First the courts do see it as the husband is the legal father no matter what your test shows. You would have to file for paternity in the state the child lives in providing the law allows. Most states have a law that prevents what they call basternizing a child. It may cost you a long battle. Research the laws on the supreme court cases in reference to this type of case. I am not an attorney but have a case with my grandchild who has a legal father and my son is the biological father and it took us years just to get a judge to allow dna testing and even with that proof my son has no rights as of this date. Remember if mom does not want to go alone it is your word against hers. Good Luck