Does my child have to go??

[Courtney's Mom]

What is the name of your state? Nebraska

My daughter is 12-she does not want to go on the extended summer visitation with her father, which is 6 weeks in the summer, she also doesn't want to 'HAVE' to go every other weekend. She says she will still go and see her dad, but she doesn't want to 'HAVE' to go. This comes about because he won't let her have her friends over because that's "his" time with her. She can't go to the movies, skating, anywhere with her friends when she's over there, because that's "his" time. She says when she's over there all she does is clean up after her 3 younger siblings and she babysits... She says her dad doesn't spend any one-on-one time with her... Her father hasn't gotten her anything -- not even a card--for christmas, b-days for several years..... She says "he'll always be my dad, but I don't want to 'have' to go there". I have heard that as long as she goes before the judge and tells why she doesn't want to go, at the age of 12, she can decide to go or not. Is this true?

 

[Meursault]

No it is not true.

Now, start being a mother and explain that the decision to HAVE TO go or not was done by a judge because mommy and daddy didn't stay married.

 

[stealth2]

Of course she has to go. She's a child, and children don't get to make those decisions. Suppose she told you that she didn't want to go to school because they make you pay attention and learn stuff? Would you let her stay home, or would you make her go?

At 12, a judge *may* allow her to make her wishes known, but the reasons you've given aren't likely to change visitation.

 

[Courtney's Mom]

That's exactly what I told her, it was not my decision or her fathers, it was the judge's decision. That's why she wants me to go back to court so she can tell the judge she doesn't want to go.

Isn't visitation for both her father and her?? Why does she not get to say what she wants? I realize she is only 12, but she's old enough to know that she doesn't want to go somewhere....

 

[Courtney's Mom]

The thing I am most puzzled about is the extended summer visitation.... What adult moves into another home for 6 weeks, away from friends, the neighborhood, everything they know, they're not allowed to take anything from their home, they are only allowed to see their mom every other weekend, they're not allowed to call their mom, or their friends. They aren't allowed to go anywhere with their friends or do anything with them. What adult does that-and why do they make kids do it?? I would be furious if someone made me leave my house for 6 weeks, I couldn't take anything personal, I can't contact friends or family....... NO judge would ever order an adult to that (unless they go to jail), so why do they make kids???

 

[nextwife]

Fine. Trade custody status and YOU can let her decide what she wants to do during your extended visitation with her.

 

[MBMom]

NO judge would ever order an adult to that (unless they go to jail), so why do they make kids???

I highly doubt the Judge ordered that she's not allowed to take anything from her home, not allowed to call her mom or friends and not allowed to go anywhere with her friends or do anything with them. And you say "move into another home for 6 weeks" as if her dad is a stranger!

My husband went through joint custody with his parents all through growing up. He loved going to his dad's for the summer...new place, new things to do, etc. It's not that bad, and you should be helping her deal with it better, instead of helping spend even less time with her dad.

My five year old still cries when his dad comes to pick him up. But each time he does this, we go through the same thing. We encourage him to go as best we can by not letting it seem like a bad thing to go to daddy's house.

 

[Courtney's Mom]

No, the judge did not order it, her father won't allow her to bring anything from home, not pictures, not a stuffed animal, nothing....... Most dads are wonderful men... but not all are.... and the laws are the same for great dads as they are for the bad ones..... I mean, what kind of father doesn't get his daughter ANYTHING for her b-day or christmas???? If he was such an upstanding man, he would get her something.........

I do encourage her to go.... but SHE can see how her dad is, I dont' have to say anything..... I have NEVER talked down about her father... But that doesn't mean I don't get questions about why dad doesn't get her anything..... His other daughter brought her grades up from FLUNKING to a D and they celebrated and all went out for ice cream.... My daughter made honor roll, and he said "good job court"....... Would you really want to go over there???? I sure wouldn't.........

 

[stealth2]

I have similar problems. However, those aren't going to be reasons for a judge to change visitation.

 

[Rvela]

Kids HAVE to do all kinds of things they don't want to.
We all have to for that matter. Kids will say they don't want to go some where , b/c there is not the potential of 100% fun. Kids don't want to go to school, but, you send them any way right? Why? b/c it is the law. and it is a law that they go to the other parents house. When you hear your kid doesn't want to go to fathers house, it is pleasing to you b/c the kid is basicly choosing you over dad.

I am sick of hearing "Does my child have to go?"

Send your child unless he is in danger, and if he is then get up your Lazy A$$ and do something about it.

GEEZ .....When will people grow up??????????

 

[momofrose]

Have you spoken with her father regarding these issues? Maybe he is not doing this on purpose..maybe, just maybe, he is unaware of how she feels and what he is doing.

 

[MBMom]

what kind of father doesn't get his daughter ANYTHING for her b-day or christmas???? If he was such an upstanding man, he would get her something.........I have NEVER talked down about her father... But that doesn't mean I don't get questions about why dad doesn't get her anything..... His other daughter brought her grades up from FLUNKING to a D and they celebrated and all went out for ice cream.... My daughter made honor roll, and he said "good job court"....... Would you really want to go over there???? I sure wouldn't.........

Are there any more issues besides the fact that he doesn't BUY her anything? Granted, there shouldn't be any reason why a dad wouldn't get a gift for his child on Christmas and birthday, unless of course he can't afford it. I'm assuming this dad can, but regardless, that seems to be the one thing you AND your daughter are mainly having a problem with. Correct me if I'm wrong, but that seems to be your only complaint in your last post?

**Okay, I re-read your first post. If all those things are true, not spending time with her, not letting her have friends over or go anywhere, only cleaning up after others, etc....I can understand your problem. Except I still don't think a Judge would go for her not having to spend time with her dad. He's her one and only dad...always will be. At 12, I hated going to my grandparents. Not only did they live on a farm with no animals, there were NO other kids to play with, nothing to do except run around in the fields or stay in and clean...we weren't even allowed to watch tv AND had to go to bed at 8pm. It was horrible and I begged my parents to stop sending me there for summer vacations...to no avail. Now I'm glad I did spend time with them regardless if I enjoyed most of it or not. Once she's 18, she can chose whether or not she wants to go to dad's. Until then, make sure she knows regardless, she needs to spend time with her dad whether she likes it or not. She's not in any danger, and like someone else said, maybe she needs to let him know how she feels...maybe he doesn't know.

 

[VeronicaGia]

If you and he were still together and she didn't like dad, would dad get booted out of the house? Would you divorce him? Who is the parent here and who is the child?

Why don't you encourage her to talk to dad about it? Or is it just easier to eliminate dad (except the child support, of course) from the childs life? And think about this, when your daughter has a child of her own, do you think it will be ok if she decides the child doesn't have to see his/her father and eliminate him from the picture too?

Sorry, until a judge rules otherwise, she has to go. If not, dad can file contempt of court. Too many of those will anger a judge and give dad fuel to ask for a change in custody.

 

[karma1]

Veronica~

You're on a roll today, girl~

 

[Courtney's Mom]

No, he doesn't have to buy her a darn thing.... but when him and his wife take off and go to California on vacation 2 weeks before her birthday......he should be able to buy her 48 cent card at least from Wal-Mart... heck, he coulda made one himself, I would have gladly given him the paper and crayons........ My point was if he's such a great father and deserves all this visitation--shouldn't he act like a father should??? How many fathers out there don't even call their child on their birthday--and yet, your comments on here point the finger at me saying how I should "make her go"....... why?? what's so great about him???? How would you feel as a child going to your dad's house on Christmas day---your 3 siblings are all sitting there playing with their presents, and you ask "if there's anything for you" and your told "no, we opened presents last night and you weren't here"........ This child has been put through this since she was 2 1/2... she's 12 now....... she doesn't even ask anymore, cuz she knows they don't buy her anything........

She doesn't want to "eliminate" dad like you said.... she just doesn't want to "have" to go.... I'm not stupid I realize that this is a child and I am the parent... I KNOW we all have to do things we don't want to.... I am being the parent---she's over there right now....

Last year when she was on summer visitation she came home for her weekend with me, and she has called him with 1 week left and told him that she doesn't want to come back, and he "guilts" her into coming back..... Just like he does on the weekends... when she calls to ask her dad if she can go somewhere with her friends he tells her "we're going to the movies, swimming, or rollar skating" or something fun like that, so then she tells her friends she can't go then of course "something" comes up and they can't go do the fun thing he promised her they would do.... She has even asked "can my friend come along" and he ALWAYS says no.... he is the king manipulater.......

My only point in starting this thread was---I was under the understanding that visitation was for the child and the non-custodial parent.... if the child doesn't want to go, why do they have to?? She'd be better off not knowing her father rather than having him as a fatherly influence....... Cuz he's a poorly acting father......