ex keeping kids

[basylica]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? tx

we have the expanded visitation order for tx. this weekend is the ex's, so he gets to keep the kids til 6pm monday night.
he emails me to tell me he's keeping the kids til tues.

He's mad that on dec 28th we were ordered to exchange the kids at noon. he told me prior to my week (xmas) he wouldn't be able to pick them up til 5-6pm. I said well if I have to take the entire day off work (i'd told the daycare they would be out for 2 weeks) that I might as well stay in chicago for a extra day, with driving and snow....it actually was a bad idea to leave on sunday anyway.

I dropped the kids off at his house @ 8pm (court order states he picks them up)

he's pissed at me, and just figures he can keep them and does what he wants. if he'd been reasonable in the past and asked, I could see this....but he's thrown me against the wall infront of the kids, refused to pay child support, said stuff to my kids repeatedly about how mom is crazy and they should live with him (they are currently 5 and 3)
and I asked to exchange 2:1 days when I had to leave town for work that *required* m-f type days. usually I go on the weekends when my ex has the kids aready so I don't miss time....and he said yes then after the extra time refused to give me any time back.....and so on.

he thinks I cheated him out of 6hrs and he has a RIGHT to keep them. I say no. legally he doesn't.

what shall i do?

 

[Ohiogal]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? tx

we have the expanded visitation order for tx. this weekend is the ex's, so he gets to keep the kids til 6pm monday night.
he emails me to tell me he's keeping the kids til tues.

He's mad that on dec 28th we were ordered to exchange the kids at noon. he told me prior to my week (xmas) he wouldn't be able to pick them up til 5-6pm. I said well if I have to take the entire day off work (i'd told the daycare they would be out for 2 weeks) that I might as well stay in chicago for a extra day, with driving and snow....it actually was a bad idea to leave on sunday anyway.

I dropped the kids off at his house @ 8pm (court order states he picks them up)

he's pissed at me, and just figures he can keep them and does what he wants. if he'd been reasonable in the past and asked, I could see this....but he's thrown me against the wall infront of the kids, refused to pay child support, said stuff to my kids repeatedly about how mom is crazy and they should live with him (they are currently 5 and 3)
and I asked to exchange 2:1 days when I had to leave town for work that *required* m-f type days. usually I go on the weekends when my ex has the kids aready so I don't miss time....and he said yes then after the extra time refused to give me any time back.....and so on.

he thinks I cheated him out of 6hrs and he has a RIGHT to keep them. I say no. legally he doesn't.

what shall i do?

The kids should have been available to him at noon on December 28th so you were wrong in your actions of dropping them at 8. The fact that you dropped them off was nice but they were to be available to him at noon. That does NOT mean that he is correct however. Legally you both were in the wrong and two wrongs don't make a right. Is there harm in keeping them until Tuesday? Can he get them to school on Tuesday? If you go back to court on this issue expect that you BOTH might be dinged.

The better thing to do -- talk to dad. Apologize for your error and know that this ONCE you will agree that he can make up the time as long as he gets them to school on Tuesday.

 

[basylica]

I had every intention of handing them over at noon on dec 28th, be he informed me prior to my departure that he wouldn't be able to pick them up until after 5-6pm.
since he was refusing to pick them up at the designated time, doesn't that leave it to me to set a new mutually agreable time?
The weather forcasted heavy snow on sunday the 27th, and we had a 15+ hr drive straight through to get home (leaving chicago at 4am and making it home around 8pm) so I made the decision to stay the extra day since the snow was clearing that night (as predicted...) so starting out at 4am was a bit scary...my car was all over the place until the sun came up and melted the snow and we made it further south.

I had every intention of being home, and may have left saturday instead, if he had planned to pick the kids up at the designated time. he told me a week ahead of time though, he wouldn't.
he is NOW claiming he had a half day of work (nobody would have a half day on monday the 28th. makes no sense) and he would have picked the kids up at 3....but I think he's lying through his teeth. he didn't even bother calling me until 5pm, and asked me where i was, and if I was dropping the kids off at his house.
he knew full and well I was driving home that day and had NO trouble with it, until he realized he was going to have to leave work early today and drive the kids to my house tonight.

he does everything in his power to avoid it. telling me to keep the kids when he is supposed to have them and drop them off at school at 730am the next day....or on weekend holiday visits, coming up with a excuse why he should be allowed to keep them extra time.
hasn't been the first time he's pulled this.
it's just been the first time that *I* have kept the kids past the agreed upon dropoff time, but only because he said he wasn't going to pick them up.

what if I had somewhere to be, or something I'd already planned to do (like work?) and had to bring the kids with. he'd just have to wait, am I wrong?

 

[LdiJ]

I had every intention of handing them over at noon on dec 28th, be he informed me prior to my departure that he wouldn't be able to pick them up until after 5-6pm.
since he was refusing to pick them up at the designated time, doesn't that leave it to me to set a new mutually agreable time?
The weather forcasted heavy snow on sunday the 27th, and we had a 15+ hr drive straight through to get home (leaving chicago at 4am and making it home around 8pm) so I made the decision to stay the extra day since the snow was clearing that night (as predicted...) so starting out at 4am was a bit scary...my car was all over the place until the sun came up and melted the snow and we made it further south.

I had every intention of being home, and may have left saturday instead, if he had planned to pick the kids up at the designated time. he told me a week ahead of time though, he wouldn't.
he is NOW claiming he had a half day of work (nobody would have a half day on monday the 28th. makes no sense) and he would have picked the kids up at 3....but I think he's lying through his teeth. he didn't even bother calling me until 5pm, and asked me where i was, and if I was dropping the kids off at his house.
he knew full and well I was driving home that day and had NO trouble with it, until he realized he was going to have to leave work early today and drive the kids to my house tonight.

he does everything in his power to avoid it. telling me to keep the kids when he is supposed to have them and drop them off at school at 730am the next day....or on weekend holiday visits, coming up with a excuse why he should be allowed to keep them extra time.
hasn't been the first time he's pulled this.
it's just been the first time that *I* have kept the kids past the agreed upon dropoff time, but only because he said he wasn't going to pick them up.

what if I had somewhere to be, or something I'd already planned to do (like work?) and had to bring the kids with. he'd just have to wait, am I wrong?[/QUOTE]

Yes and no. If he cannot pick up the children when he is supposed to pick them up, and you have something else planned or required, you can inform dad where the children will be available for pickup. (ie your place of employment).

If you are scheduled to exchange at a neutral or midway point, and dad wants to change the time to somewhere in the middle of a true obligation of yours (ie work), then dad would have to work with you to make alternative arrangements.

If dad cannot make the court ordered exchange time, and needs to schedule something different, you cannot be dinged by the judge if you cannot accomodate the exact time dad wants...as long as there is no prohibition by you or by the court orders, against dad picking up the children wherever they happen to be.

In this instance you made a reasonable choice (due to the weather) to drive at a time when it was safer to drive. That put the children with dad later than dad wanted them, but he already chosen not to get them at his court appointed time. I don't see you getting dinged in court for that.

He is using that as an excuse to keep them longer than he is entitled to keep them on another occasion. He is wrong for doing that, but again, its iffy whether or not a judge would ding him for it.

You seem to indicate that there is at least a history of exchange problems. Perhaps you should get a consult with a local attorney and pay for an hour of his/her time to lay out your situation and see whether or not there is anything worth pursuing at this point.

I am a great believer in being flexible, but I am not a believer in allowing one parent to simply flout the court orders or get away with making unreasonable demands. That doesn't bode well for the co-parenting relationship, and if its not nipped in the bud it just causes long term problems.

If you had a generally good co-parenting relationship and this was one of just a rare "blip" then I would leave it be. Otherwise I would document it and consult with a local attorney.

 

[basylica]

yeah, thats the big issue for me. I sound like i'm being petty from just this one example, but it's a whole ball of things as most issues like this end up being.

My ex actually filed (After I'd asked him to leave the week prior, and he got physical with me and tried to wrench the baby out of my arms so I let go and walked out of the house to let him cool off. which was hard, I didn't want to leave the kids upset w/o me....but there was no other way of diffusing the situation i could see aside from calling the cops) while i was at work, and at 3pm on a friday found out he'd take the kids and hidden them, ransacked the house, and emptied joint acct.

since that point he's been verbally bashing me to the very young kids, physically assaulted me infront of them and given me a concussion upon last encounter. to which the cops said "well, we didn't see it....next time you should call us before he hits you" umm...ok?

didn't pay CS for 8+m, and the judge said nothing to him.....he showed up with a check for most of it the day it was finalized....

he's "forgotten" to bring the kids back and told me oh well.....too late now....
he's dropped the kids off at daycare dosed with motrin on a monday morning, and I get calls at 4pm saying the kid is feverish and if I take them to a after hrs place he refuses to pay half, and the next day the kid has a RAGING ear infection that had gone on all weekend (I even have a VM from one of this instances stating my son had a fever and complaining his ear hurt since friday...but he gave him motrin and dropped him off.....normally he doesn't call me though. atleast that time I could take off work and fetch him from daycare and take him to his ped THAT DAY)

he sends my 3yr old back in 18m shirts (he wears a 4 or 5T) that i've had to CUT off him, and keeps the appropriate sized clothes....

the list goes on. And yes, i'm documenting.

he's also had extra time over the years now (almost 2) because my job is based waayyyyy out of state and I work from home, but occasionally have to fly out there. I usually schedule during my extended weekends w/o kids so I don't miss any time (fly out first thing thurs morning, return mon afternoon) but I've had to go a few times where I had normal weekdays there, and offered to let him have the kids extra. originally agreeing to trade 2:1 days with me (like missing a few thursdays on his thurs-mon weekends...so no real impact to him, in turn for getting kids for 2x as many days in a row) until I return and refusing....

spending all day in mediation and I spent 4K on mediator and lawyer, then showing up and getting pissed over a drill....and throwing me into the wall.....(concussion discussed earlier)

calling me and telling me i'm psycho B and effing crazy and a bad mother INFRONT of my kids..whom I can hear in the background at his house.


Anyway, I didn't think I was being unreasonable based on his deciding that he couldn't pickup at the court appointed time, and he told me 6hrs LATER than the court appt time.....that it was a better option to leave on a safer day, and return the kids 2hrs later than the time HE wanted.
(after a 15hr drive, 2hrs seems small. lol)

not to mention, this was the first time in 10 years i'd spent xmas with MY family, and the first time my family had seen my kids over xmas EVER (they are 3 and 6 at the end of the month) because his parents refused to allow us to do xmas anywhere but at their house. atleast under threat of making life really really really miserable for me....lol.