father won't take child to activities

[imwhchu]

What is the name of your state? PA

My ex just found out that I am getting remarried. To get back at me, he has decided not to take our daughter to her regular activities. Is there anything I can do legally to rectify this situation?? He is punishing her not me by this choice of action. HELP!!!!!

 

[stealth2]

Unless he's court-ordered to take her to activities on his time, he doesn't have to do it. Legally, you could try to get it ordered, but I wouldn't hjold my breath unless there are extenuating circumstances (i.e. she's a world-class gymnast and Dad has always been on board with the activity). If we're talking about missing a soccer game on a weekend - she may be out of luck.

 

[imwhchu]

He has absolutely been involved in her activities up until last week when I broke my news, which is why I am a little unnerved at this situation. I just can't fathom why or how he can opt not to participate when he has all along and be able to get away with it. She is devestated. I was afraid it would have to be a court order issue which we have never had to do and by the time I went that route, I imagine the season would be over

 

[sissyo69]

What does your decree say? Usually there is a paragraph that states that parents maintain child's normal routine and schedule. If it is his turn to exercise visitation or whatever and the child has a scheduled activity it is presumed that parent who has parenting time make sure that the child's daily activities are followed thru with.
People do not realize that the only person they are hurting is their own child. You could request that he maintain childs regular activities and if he does not you may request a modification.
I have been there and versus fighting, I made my children think I was Queen of the world because I am the one who rearranges my time to make sure they get to where they need to be, and I tell my kids " I'm sorry dad couldnt _______, BUT it's great for me because that is just more time I can spend one on one with you. Now, Let's go MAKE SOME NOISE" They are now 14-11-8 and even though I started years ago and now they think its corney, they still like to hear it ( even if they hide in the back seat and pretend they don't know you while you are yelling down the road to " MAKE SOME NOISE".)
Best advice I can give you when it comes down to it. Make arrangements if you possibly can to be there when the other parent refuses. ITS THE LITTLE things they will always remember. They are only going to be children once and when its gone, YOU can never get it back Good luck to you and your child (ren )

 

[stealth2]

How old is your daughter?

 

[imwhchu]

My daughter is 10 and she is our only child. We have had an amicable arrangement since we separated over 4 years ago. Nothing court ordered or decreed. My first step may have to be having our schedule mandated by the courts? Any advice is appreciated.

 

[sissyo69]

Most states offer mediation services that will set down with you and the other parent and based on the needs/wishes of the child be set up an arrangement that hopefully you can both agree on. I have found that if it comes down to having to obtain a court order the judges like to know that you have made every other possible attempt to work it out between you. Courts dont like to get in the middle.
The number one thing to do is KEEP a journal.
List dates, times and notes ( days he didnt take them, days you have had to change schedule, etc.)And never make anything you have had to rearrange or had to go thru seem like a burden. I don't know alot, but I have spent alot of time researching childrens rights and how to get what you want without making anyone feel like they are having to " give up something." It's hard to always be the " amicable one" BELIEVE me.
Heck I post stuff here because I have been through all this for so long that things are happening that I cannot even cross reference with past cases or anything LOL.
Good luck hun !

 

[stealth2]

If you have nothing ordered, *technically* you don't have to allow him to take the child - so you could tell him that he doesn't get time with her when she has activities. However, this could bite you in the rear - time with a noncustodial parent generally trumps extracurricular activities.

 

[nextwife]

I have an almost 8 year old. I am NOT divorced from her father, but there are still occassions when we place family plans ahead of activities.

I think time spent with a parent, or parents doing family things together is far more important in the long run than a Tae Kwon Do or tennis class.

 

[imwhchu]

Agreed--there are certain times when family plans should supercede extracurricular activities. Unfortunately, this deliberate boycotting of my daughter's soccer game and then dance class was soley to get back at me. She is old enough to realize what she is missing. She has been taking dance class for 7 years and playing soccer for 2 years. Does he want a completely inactive child? It makes no sense to me. This is complete irrational behavior in my opinion. Did I mention he wouldn't let her call me at all this weekend and wouldn't take my calls either? Sometimes I get confused who is actually the child. Sorry...needed to vent for a few but I feel much better

 

[BethM]

It makes no sense to me. This is complete irrational behavior in my opinion. Did I mention he wouldn't let her call me at all this weekend and wouldn't take my calls either? Sometimes I get confused who is actually the child. Sorry...needed to vent for a few but I feel much better

First you need court ordered visitation, especially when dealing with someone as irrational as your ex husband. It gives you some control and protects both you and the child against future childish behavior from him.

Secondly and this is not legal advice...don't play into his game. Give the fool what he has asked for...time away from his child. If he obstinantly refuses to take her to these activities just to punish you then make other arrangements and let him flap in the stench of his own stupid decisions.

I've got an ex that has been doing this same crap for over six years. He has spent 2 hours in the last two years with his children cause he got pissed with me for moving out of state. These idiots cute their noses off to spite their faces and make enemies out of their own children.

The way to keep your daughter safe from his antics is to make sure her schedule isn't disrupted and to make sure she understands it isn't about her. Tell the fool to do whatever he feels he needs to do but that you are going to make sure your daughter gets what she needs whether he participates or not. I'm betting when he sees that you are not going to react to his trantrums he will eventually stop throwing them.

If he doesn't and continues to pull such stunts let the damage it does to his relationship with is daughter be his problem.

As far calls during his visitation time. Do what I did one time. My ex had my youngest son. We had discussed their plans and he knew I was going to be calling at a certain time. He purposefully unplugged the phone so that I couldn't get through. I called for 3 days and then began to worry that something had happened. He lived 80 miles away so I couldn't drive by and check so I called the police and they gladly went out to his home and "checked on the welfare" of my son. That was the last time he kept my son from calling me or me from calling my son.

Fools like him should be beat. If he keeps up the spiteful behavior and causing your daughter pain she will one day do the same thing to him that he is doing to her now...take herself away from him. Sad!

 

[sissyo69]

Message of hope- PLEASE READ

It blows my mind that people are so selfish and hard hearted.
My parents divorced when I was two THEY did not fight over me and my brother. NEITHER one of them wanted us. We were ultimatly raised by my grandparents. Does anyone have any idea how that makes a person feel? Now think about how that would make a CHILD feel.

Take this for what you want, I don't care what you think about my past, but I have 3 children. ALL three of these children have a different father ( dont say anything until you have walked in my shoes, you dont have facts on my past)
Anyways...
In all three of my divorces there was NEVER an attorney. We set down like adults and thought about what was best for our child.
When visitation goes around ( because 2 dads truck drivers ) their schedules change. They arent home same time each month. When they are within one week of time home, they call and let me know and we make plans for visitation. When one of the childrens fathers exercize visitaiton they TAKE it with ALL THREE kids since it is rare all fathers are in at same time. The fathers take all three children for visits and all the families of my ex's have welcomed in the other children. Everyone get's along. ( there are sometimes minor arguments but we work thru them).
Christmas? All fathers take off on Christmas every year. They all meet me in my home Christmas morning about 4am before kids get up and talk about who got what ( we make lists so that nothing is bought twice) and all the kids get what they want and we dont say YOUR daddy bought this, Its Christmas presents and who paid for them is IRRELATIVE. Father's day is spent with all fathers and all children.
My children not only have the love of their mother and bio father, they have a connection with their siblings heratige and parent's. If all dads want to come to parent conferences or baseball games or whatever WE MAKE SURE we save em a seat next to us.
You could not fathom the impact that this has made on my childrens lives. THEY have a right to be loved by both parents and if they are treated 100% equal to each other then GREAT. A CHILD CAN NEVER EVER HAVE TO MUCH LOVE. I am not harping on anyone for anything said. I just thought that I would tell you that IT CAN be accomplished. I am Bi-Polar I have had this mental condition for 75% of my life which yes has contributed to the reason why my marriages didnt last. BUT the fathers didnt use that to get custody of kids, didnt make me out to be easy, or unstable. We took each situation as it came along and EVERY SINGLE DAY YOU HAVE TO TELL YOURSELF... If you didnt give a **** about anything I had to say BANK ON THIS..
1. It's the little things they will remember.
2. They are only going to be children ONCE. When they are grown you CANNOT ever take it back. When you see a child that FEELS loved 100% and is not stressed and who doesnt have to be made feel like they have to hide love about one parent to another because parent would be mad. IT WILL be worth every sacrafice. TRUST ME PLEASE>
Sorry it's so long I just want to give someone hope that you can agree. It gets better if both parents have nothing but the childs best interests at heart AFTER all when you go to court to let a judge make a decision, his decision is based Primarly on the CHILDS BEST INTERESTS. and who better to know what that is but you and the child's other parents?
Thank you for letting me babble.

 

[LdiJ]

I have an almost 8 year old. I am NOT divorced from her father, but there are still occassions when we place family plans ahead of activities.

I think time spent with a parent, or parents doing family things together is far more important in the long run than a Tae Kwon Do or tennis class.

Of course family plans are sometimes placed ahead of activities. However I believe that an important part of parenting is participating with your child in their activities.

Therefore I feel very firmly that activities should be just as much a part of dad's time as of mom's. Not taking the child to their activities because you simply don't want to be bothered...or because you feel they interfere with your time...or because you are mad at mom, is irresponsible parenting as far as I am concerned (unless of course the distance makes it unworkable)

My ex was my daughter's soccer coach and thoroughly participated in that activity with her....it was great "bonding" time for them. He also got her involved in horsebacking riding and tennis as well. He tried giving her piano lessons but that was a total bust...LOL.

 

[nextwife]

Of course family plans are sometimes placed ahead of activities. However I believe that an important part of parenting is participating with your child in their activities.

Therefore I feel very firmly that activities should be just as much a part of dad's time as of mom's. Not taking the child to their activities because you simply don't want to be bothered...or because you feel they interfere with your time...or because you are mad at mom, is irresponsible parenting as far as I am concerned (unless of course the distance makes it unworkable)

I think it partially depends on the amount of activities a child is scheduled to participate in. I see peers of my kiddo who have almost every free evening and weekend filled with preplanned activities. And there are some CPs who use activities as a tool to interfere with NCP time. There are lots of activities to choose from, and one sometimes has to wonder if activity selection is done in a way that unnecessarily puts the NCP on the spot. If BOTH parents planned and agreed upon the activity sceudule, then NCP should enforce it. If he/she was not consulted, then they should not be bound by it.

I don't believe in that. My most special memories were all the SPONTANEOUS activities my dad took us to. Day long drives in the country to historic sites. OR a last minute weekend on a lake somewhere. Or a beautiful summer evening at a special restaurant two hours from home. Maybe a Broadway or ballet performance and day spent in Chicago on a Saturday. A jazz concert and picnic in the park. All spontaneous stuff. WE were NOT scheduled for activities every time you turned around.. We actually knew how to entertain ourselves.

I REALLY make an effort to ONLY sign my kid up for activities that allow us weekend flexibility. Her dance class is after school. Her little league is Monday nights. Her chess class is after school, as is her art class. Etc. She has Sat Tae Kwon Do, but if we want to take a weekend and go stay at a water park somewhere, she'll miss it.

She will have Saturday golf lessons, but those are only four weeks at a time. So we are not tied up for weekends on end.

 

[LdiJ]

I think it partially depends on the amount of activities a child is scheduled to participate in. I see peers of my kiddo who have almost every free evening and weekend filled with preplanned activities. And there are some CPs who use activities as a tool to interfere with NCP time. There are lots of activities to choose from, and one sometimes has to wonder if activity selection is done in a way that unnecessarily puts the NCP on the spot. If BOTH parents planned and agreed upon the activity sceudule, then NCP should enforce it. If he/she was not consulted, then they should not be bound by it.

I don't believe in that. My most special memories were all the SPONTANEOUS activities my dad took us to. Day long drives in the country to historic sites. OR a last minute weekend on a lake somewhere. Or a beautiful summer evening at a special restaurant two hours from home. Maybe a Broadway or ballet performance and day spent in Chicago on a Saturday. A jazz concert and picnic in the park. All spontaneous stuff. WE were NOT scheduled for activities every time you turned around.. We actually knew how to entertain ourselves.

I REALLY make an effort to ONLY sign my kid up for activities that allow us weekend flexibility. Her dance class is after school. Her little league is Monday nights. Her chess class is after school, as is her art class. Etc. She has Sat Tae Kwon Do, but if we want to take a weekend and go stay at a water park somewhere, she'll miss it.

She will have Saturday golf lessons, but those are only four weeks at a time. So we are not tied up for weekends on end.

I understand your point about over-scheduling activities....but one of the things this mom was talking about was soccer...and that season is fairly short (just 8-10 weeks)...and the other was dance, which she stated that the child has been doing for 7 years...so its obviously something important to the child.

I didn't get the impression that mom was concerned about one missed day either...but on a more long term basis.

I myself prefer spontaneous things too...and that is also how I was raised as well. However I still believe that if an activity is important TO THE CHILD that its the responsibility of both parents to participate.

What should a parent prefer? A child that is thrilled that dad is taking her to her dance lessons and watching her dance...or taking her to her soccer games and watching her play....or a child who is brokenhearted because dad won't let her do it at all because its "his time"?

We also need to remember that dad's reason for doing this is that he is upset that mom is getting remarried.