Father's Rights?

[jeffmcd]

What is the name of your state? Maryland

My case is:

My wife and I were married almost 4 years. Have 2 kids-- 4yo and 1 1/2 yo. Wife had an affair and moved out. Have tried to negotiate during past 11 months about child custody (we don't have any real assets) but wife continually reneges on various agreements.

We are both resident doctors about to finish in a few years. Right now the kids have been shuttled between my home and her apt. 1 mile away or shuttled to grandparents house a state away.

This is what wife wants ideally:

That I move my mother (ie, grandmother of the kids) from PA into my home in MD to be a caretaker for the children for free. (Her mother had babysat in the beginning of our marriage but now moved across the country to California. Wife thinks there should be a quid pro quo.) Wife wants the kids available to her at any time, at a moment's notice. If we were to do this, I and my mother want, at the very least, a visitation schedule so we know who has the kids when and no scheduling conflicts arise. Wife refuses to provide any kind of schedule. I've proposed schedules where I tell her in advance which days I'm working. Wife doesn't respond or refuses to agree on any schedule. Wife wants this arrangment for one year until she finishes training.

OR

Wife wants the kids in California with her mom. Wife says she will be moving in a year to rejoin them.

What I want ideally: 50/50 legal and physicial custody of the kids in Maryland for at least the one year both parents have to be in MD for our jobs and if my wife wants to moves to California in a year, then I want to go to court to try and keep the kids in MD with me.

Wife has no way to take care of the kids herself. She and I both work resident doctor hours. What wife does is have the kids at her place for 2-3 weeks when she asks her mom to come back from CA to MD and when she gets sick of it, she literally throws them at my doorstep. She knows that with my similar resident doctor schedule, I then have to call on my mom from another nearby state to help me. Currently, I am looking for a nanny to help me out. But wife says she has the right to approve of any nanny I get for myself and outright says she doesn't want me to get a nanny (just for me; not to share).

My questions are:

1. Does anyone have anything to say about Maryland courts and gender bias? I have visited Father's Rights Attorney. Should I invest in one?

2. Is there any way to make my wife negotiate now before we go to court for at least a visitation schedule? I've tried for the past 11 months since she moved out but I have gotten no where.

3. Does my wife have the right to refuse any nanny I hire? I plan on getting a nanny for my own home, not for my wife's use.

4. If I concede 100% physicial custody to my wife (but still keep 50/50 llegal custody) now, does my wife have the right to then move the kids to CA without my okay?

5. If I can get my wife to agree to 50/50 legal and physical in Maryland at least for a year while we both finish up training, how hard is it for my wife to change that to 100% physical custody when she moves to California in a year from now?

6. Wife refuses to pay any credit card debt we incurred in our marriage. Does separation of credit card debt start at the time she moved out or when I filed for a legal separation?

7. Wife wants me to pay for her maternity leave (3 months) when she had our last child. Any precedent?

8. Wife says I am solely responsible for kids education. Any precedent?

9. If wife puts my daughter in dance, art, piano lessons, etc., if I can't pay for it, can she force me to pay 50% of things I can't afford or even discussed with her about?

Thanks.

 

[LdiJ]

Look...neither one of you are in a position at this point in your lives to have primary custody of the children. You both have an enormous commitment to your training/careers. What would make the most sense is for the two of you to share a nanny and to split the cost. It would also make sense for one of the grandparents to take temporary custody of the children, but that usually isn't wise....and I doubt that you could agree on which one.

You could certainly make it difficult if not impossible for mom to move the kids to CA. You can definitely prevent it from happening if mom isn't immediately going too...and you would have a decent shot at preventing it even if mom was.

However....be smart. As I said, neither one of you are in a position for primary custody. Sharing a nanny is ultimately the sensible thing to do.

 

[karma1]

Hold on a sec, LdiJ

Are you advocating that it is impossible for either parent to retain primary custody?
I find that hard to believe as surely there are other families somewhere in this big ole world that works this out--be it a nanny, or whatever.
An intact family with both parents as residential doctors? Should they loose custody based on this assessment of yours?
Bad judgement call, as I see it.

 

[LdiJ]

Are you advocating that it is impossible for either parent to retain primary custody?
I find that hard to believe as surely there are other families somewhere in this big ole world that works this out--be it a nanny, or whatever.
An intact family with both parents as residential doctors? Should they loose custody based on this assessment of yours?
Bad judgement call, as I see it.

No, I am not advocating that it is impossible for either parent to retain primary custody...and I am certainly not saying that an intact family in the same situation shouldn't have custody or should lose custody.....I am saying that it doesn't make sense for them to be fighting over this issue when both of them have committments that makes it impossible for them to truly be the primary parent without serious help. I know exactly what they go through as residents.

I am saying that it makes ultimate sense for them to share a nanny! Undoubtedly that is what they would end up doing if they were still together, so why be foolish and refuse to do it when they are apart? I was speaking from a purely practical standpoint. I threw in grandparents as an option, but also explained that it wasn't a particularly good idea.