? for someone else

[Grace_Adler]

What is the name of your state? NC

Ok, this will probably be kind of long so please bare with me.

This is for someone that lives down the road from me. I don't have all the facts yet so I know there are still a bunch of unanswered questions and facts that will need to be obtained but I would like to start gathering info because she really needs help and I want to help her.

She's from GA, married and has a 2 yr old with her husband. I believe they have been living here for at least a yr though. She and her husband have been married for 3 months but the little girl is his. She works down the road at a gas station making $6.50 an hour. He refuses to get a job and owes back child support in GA for I believe it is $9000. I'm under the impression he is hiding from this. Well, she has been trying to get rid of him for a while now because he treats her like crap, won't help out, ect. He has refused to leave in the past and because of his treatment towards her and her bleak situation, she has just cowed down to him. He is physically abusive and beat the crap out of her last night, stole someone's car and took off with their little girl. She called the cops but I don't know what happened. He also has a pistol with him, if that matters. I don't know about any prior criminal background, he may have one but I don't know for sure.

She wants help in getting a divorce, getting her child her back, getting custody, support (like he'd pay it) and doesn't want him back in the house.

I don't know how she's going to make it finacially either and who's going to watch her child while she works. She doesn't know anyone here and doesn't get any help. She can't afford an attorney either. I don't know if legal aid can help her yet.

If anyone has any ideas or can help me figure out what forms to file and what she needs to do to get all this in motion I'd really appreciate it. I don't want to give her the wrong info and screw stuff up for her. I'll also see if I can find a "do it yourself" book.

 

[sunfun]

If her beats her and she can prove it there should be shelters and/or aid for battered women and children in her area that can help. Maybe start looking around for her. They can usually give her a place to stay and help her get on her feet with the child. Where is her family? Can they help?

 

[bugaboo]

What is the name of your state? NC

She's from GA, married and has a 2 yr old with her husband. I believe they have been living here for at least a yr though. She and her husband have been married for 3 months but the little girl is his. She works down the road at a gas station making $6.50 an hour. He refuses to get a job and owes back child support in GA for I believe it is $9000. I'm under the impression he is hiding from this. Well, she has been trying to get rid of him for a while now because he treats her like crap, won't help out, ect. He has refused to leave in the past and because of his treatment towards her and her bleak situation, she has just cowed down to him. He is physically abusive and beat the crap out of her last night, stole someone's car and took off with their little girl. She called the cops but I don't know what happened. He also has a pistol with him, if that matters. I don't know about any prior criminal background, he may have one but I don't know for sure.

She wants help in getting a divorce, getting her child her back, getting custody, support (like he'd pay it) and doesn't want him back in the house.

I don't know how she's going to make it finacially either and who's going to watch her child while she works. She doesn't know anyone here and doesn't get any help. She can't afford an attorney either. I don't know if legal aid can help her yet.

If anyone has any ideas or can help me figure out what forms to file and what she needs to do to get all this in motion I'd really appreciate it. I don't want to give her the wrong info and screw stuff up for her. I'll also see if I can find a "do it yourself" book.

So he left with the child in a stollen vehicle??? It sounds like that person should file a stollen car report. Once the police find him in that persons car, they will arrest him and contact the mother to come pick up the child. So that pretty much takes care of getting her little girl back. Once that happens, file for an RO or PO immediatly!! That way he cannon get back into the house or come near here without her having a right to have him arrested. Does she have proof of the abuse? Pictures? If she's got bruises on her...take picts. She may be able to get help for Womens Crises or other people that help battered women and their children.

As far as the divorce/custody...same ol' same ol'. Petition the court for those. You can purchase the papers at most office supply stores or online.

I hope this helps, Grace. I will keep your friend in my prayers. I was once in an abusive relationship...it's one of the hardest things to get out of. The abuser is very controlling and for some reason...even strong willed women, such as myself, go back time after time. It took me 4 times of leaving/kicking him out before I was finally strong enough to stick to it. Tell her good luck for me and to stay strong.

 

[Boxcarbill]

A battered woman shelter will help her. It is not the Ritz but it is safe. The shelters also have attorneys who volunteer to represent these women pro bono.

Now having said that let me say this. Drama is highly addictive and there is a lot of drama and attention which comes from being in an abusive relationship. More often than not these women return their abuser and they will use up the time, resources and energy of those who are willing to help if those people will allow it. I, personally, make it abundant clear that they have a one shot representation from me so only call it in when they intend to get a divorce not when they hope that filing a divorce will scare their spouse straight.

 

[Grace_Adler]

Thank you so much for your support. I know she feels like she's at the end of her rope right now.

Yeah, I hope they find him. Yes you're correct, he stole someone's freaking car! Idiot! I don't know what kind of proof she has about the abuse, I'll try to find out what the police said and did last night. At least she has that report.

She has a place to stay right now, if she can afford to keep the rent up, even though it's not much of one. If she needs a Women's Shelter, I think there is a phone no. she can call and I'll let her know.

I know there are alot of forms I can download or pick up at the courthouse, I'm just not sure which ones she will need or how to fill them out. Can someone come over and help me? LOL

Her family is down in GA. They would probably help (I think) and her mom keeps asking her when she's coming home. The thing is, she is letting her stupid pride stand in the way, kind of a long story I think. I said she should swallow it and let them help or go back so she can get back on her feet but she's being stubborn and wants to make it her own. At least, this is the impression I'm under.

Thanks BCB. I hope she is as serious about this as she claims.

Thanks for the responses so far. I really appreciate it.

 

[Grace_Adler]

Oh yeah, if or when they find him and she gets her little girl back, she would go to the magistrate to file the RO or PO right?

 

[CMSC]

Well, I really hope the cops are on top of that stolen car issue especially if he has a child with him and a pistol! Is dad on the birth certificate or has paternity been established? If not, I would file kidnapping charges (bad advice I know considering he is the real dad). Also police departments are required to look for a missing child immediately and not wait around for a time period to pass, so I hope the NC police department is searching!

I really am not much help, because you don't want her to run to a shelter or family until she gets her little girl back safely, that way in case stupid CPS gets the child to take back to mom they don't say, "oh, we can't find her"!

I would definitely get ahold of NC legal aide. Here is the site for NC legal aide and some DV info. http://www.legalaidnc.org/

Domestic Violence Initiative (DVI)
A special, statewide project of Legal Aid of North Carolina

Legal Aid of NC's Domestic Violence Initiative (DVI) seeks to expand delivery of legal assistance to battered women and to strengthen the working relationships between legal services and domestic violence programs throughout the state.



As far as day care is concerned, NC HHS is suppose to have a program at-risk day care for the working poor (child care for parents at risk of losing their job if day care isn't available), this maybe something your neighbor could look into.

CONTACT INFORMATION DVI STAFF
Domestic Violence Initiative
224 S. Dawson Street
Raleigh, NC 27601
919-856-2142; Fax: 919-856-2120
E-mail: DVIinfo@legalaidnc.org

also here is a number she NEEDS to call too.
http://www.womenindistress.com/shelter_northcarolina.html
SAFE in Lenoir County, Inc
P.O. Box 3092
Kinston NC 28502
Business #: 919-523-5573


This law firm deals with DV and has many forms to download.

http://www.rosen.com/ppf/ID/35/domestic.asp
Hotline/Crisis: 919-523-5573

 

[Grace_Adler]

Thanks, actually you've been a big help.

I have no idea if paternity was established but I believe if the parents of a child get married after the child is born then the child is considered legitimate. I don't know if an AOP has to be signed before hand. My husband signed an AOP and we were married after my first one's birth and I was told she is legititmate. However I know I read on the NCGA website something like this too. I will just have to go back and find it.

Also, they need to update that info on their website cuz 919 is not the area code for Lenoir County anymore.

Thanks again, I'm going to look for that statute and at those websites.

Oh yeah, I know where the SAFE office is because I was going to go volunteer to work there right before I got pregnant.

Oh yeah, you want to hear something funny? Her husband told her that he knew she was cheating on him because he had someone following her and taking pictures and she said "Oh really? I'd like to see them because I'd like to know what a happy couple looks like." LMAO!

 

[Grace_Adler]

Ok, just thought of another question. Would she be able to file and ex parte custody order because of this? If so, does she just fill out the forms and file it at the clerk of court? I want to see if I can find the forms online. She is coming over tonight so I can try to start helping her.

 

[Grace_Adler]

Ok, if I'm reading it right, according to rosen.com, it says you have to wait a year before you can file for a divorce. So what does she do? File for seperation?

 

[mrjb]

Grace
At your personal request to me, I am answering...
In NC, the divorce process itself takes a year; however, NC has that thing called divorce from bed and board, remember? It all starts with her filing for divorce, at which time, the attorney (and she needs an attorney for this) will file for the divorce from bed and board. In other states, this is known as a legal separation.

All matters, custody, support, property division, etc., all BUT the right to marry again can be granted with the divorce from bed and board. Not all issues have to settled at this point, but they can be. As I stated, after the divorce from bed and board, the parties are free to do anything but marry again, including free to resume living together as man and wife and thereby nullifying the divorce from bed and board!!

In NC, a man and wife must be separated from each other and the marriage for a period of one year before the final divorce decree can or will be issued.

Now, if this guy really owes $9,000 in child support in GA, she can supply the child support department in the county where the child resides, give them his last known address, his last known place of employment, etc. Maybe they are interested in finding him and incarcerating him.

This woman is going to need someone to help her leave the role of victim, to help her gain some sense of self-worth, to help her gain some sense of virtually any life is better than what she has now. Close friends are often not the person for this job; an objective person such as a counselor is needed.

The county health department and the women's shelter in your/her area has these services available. The women's shelter can provide her with more than a place to live; they can provide her with a counselor to help her meet her needs while remaining out of the shelter. She qualifies for the daycare program in NC that pays for daycare via NC State programs. She will need to apply for these and other benefits at DSS.

Please don't take on trying to help this woman fill out legal papers and manage these issues, other than offering friendship, etc. I would be hestitant to even often her shelter, if I were you. Her husband may impose his violence upon you and your family and that is a risk I'd prefer you did not take.

 

[Grace_Adler]

Thank you for your response.

I have read a little about the bed and board but don't know much about it. I am trying to read more on it now. I wasn't sure if you had to wait a yr for that too. So I guess that means she can get that now, like a seperation but she would have to wait a yr to get an absolute divorce so she could remarry in the future if she chose to do so.

I actually said myself just the other night she should call CSE and tell them where he is living..LOL. Now the problem is, he has to be found since he fled. Once he is caught, CSE should be able to get him now since he has stolen a vehicle. He'll be sittin in jail waiting for his hearing unless he makes bail, which I doubt.

Actually, I've never met this girl. I know of her and her problems through someone else. I know alot of people might think it strange that I want to help a stranger but after hearing all she's going through for the past week, I can't sit back and do nothing. No one should have to go through what she is. If nothing else, her child deserves better. She's already having to walk about 5 or 6 miles to work too.

As for daycare, I will ask about the emergency thing to get it because of the risk of losing her job, but if DSS doesn't do that then she won't be able to get it for over a year. There are absolutely no funds for daycare, there is a waiting list. I was on it for almost a year and 1/2. I am also going to suggest getting food stamps and medicaid if she doesn't already have it. If she can't get medicaid, there is NC Health Choice for kids but there is waiting list for that too as there are no funds.

She has a place to stay, even thought it ain't all that. At least for as long as she can afford rent. If she can't, I'm going to suggest the women's shelter or at least going back to GA where she knows people because I kind of think, but I'm not sure, that she has people down there that can help her.

If nothing else, I want to be able to help her understand and know things to think about, research and questions to ask an attorney.

Thanks again.

 

[CMSC]

Thanks, actually you've been a big help.

I have no idea if paternity was established but I believe if the parents of a child get married after the child is born then the child is considered legitimate.

Here you can have your husband claim to be father IF you were married less than 60 days after the child's birth. Then it goes into DNA test, step parent adoptions or what ever is necessary.

What I was saying is that IF she felt like saying, "my husband kidnapped my daughter from a previous relationship" and he has NEVER been proven to be the father...well I think you get my point! I am not saying lie to the police or anything but if he has never signed an AOP or been on the birth certificate and they didn't get married until the child was 2 then them getting married wouldn't make the child his. DId that make any sense?

 

[Grace_Adler]

Ok, I'm a little slow..lol. She's here now. I'm trying to figure out different stuff to ask her. They had her in GA and she's not really sure what he signed but she knows he signed something so I guess legally he's the father. I don't know how they do things down there. So should she still do that?

 

[Grace_Adler]

Ok, here's what I know so far, he returned the car and have reason to believe he took a bus down to GA but she has no way of knowing for sure or how to find him. So, I just wanted to give an update.