Help in CA

[SAHMinCA]

What is the name of your state? California

Here's the short version: have two children with ex-husband, who currently lives with new (19 year old) girlfriend. Have learned they're into swinging. Though I don't approve, what they do together is none of my business.

My son Tom was going to spend the night with them last night. When I learned about their lifestyle earlier this week, I posed as a potential swinger on a website they frequent, curious to see how far their drugs and swinging lifestyle go. My ex and his gf started up an email dialogue with my alter ego, and invited her over last night, after our son went to sleep.

I'm just appalled and sickened. Honestly, I have never been impressed with his parenting choices, but to invite a stranger over when my kid(s) are there freaks me out! Needless to say, I made up an excuse and my son didn't go.

Do I have any recourse? I don't want to cut him out of their lives completely, as they do need to know their dad, but I would like to have NO overnighters at his house. Is that possible?

Thanks in advance for any help!

 

[I AM ALWAYS LIABLE]

What is the name of your state? California

Here's the short version: have two children with ex-husband, who currently lives with new (19 year old) girlfriend. Have learned they're into swinging. Though I don't approve, what they do together is none of my business.

My son Tom was going to spend the night with them last night. When I learned about their lifestyle earlier this week, I posed as a potential swinger on a website they frequent, curious to see how far their drugs and swinging lifestyle go. My ex and his gf started up an email dialogue with my alter ego, and invited her over last night, after our son went to sleep.

I'm just appalled and sickened. Honestly, I have never been impressed with his parenting choices, but to invite a stranger over when my kid(s) are there freaks me out! Needless to say, I made up an excuse and my son didn't go.

Do I have any recourse? I don't want to cut him out of their lives completely, as they do need to know their dad, but I would like to have NO overnighters at his house. Is that possible?

Thanks in advance for any help!

My response:

Got proof of this to present to the court?

Got proof that they're placing your son in danger? The lifestyle may be repugnant to you, but it's nothing that a judge would use to limit visitation, unless there's provable danger. Having "guests" over the house is not inherently dangerous.

If not, you can forget about restricting the visitation.

IAAL

 

[rmet4nzkx]

Did you make copies of there IMs?
What is the exact wording of your visitation agreement, anything about unrelated persons present? What has your attorney said about this? How old is your child?

 

[SAHMinCA]

I've kept copies of all the emails and the IM. Our children are 13 and 8. And no, our current agreement doesn't restrict access to unknown persons. I haven't retained an attorney yet, but will be looking into this next week.

 

[I AM ALWAYS LIABLE]

Did you make copies of there IMs?
What is the exact wording of your visitation agreement, anything about unrelated persons present? What has your attorney said about this? How old is your child?

My response:

"Unrelated" visitors cannot be made part of a custody/visitation agreement in California, unless the SPECIFIC person named in the order is known to be dangerous.

What the hell does it matter what the attorney says? It's not what the attorney says, it's what the law says - - and the law in California is very specific about these matters. So far, our writer's situation hasn't crossed any thresholds.

What does "age of the child" have to do with anything?

IAAL

 

[I AM ALWAYS LIABLE]

My further response:

Visitation rights cannot be restricted solely on the basis of a parent's "unconventional lifestyle," the parties' "opposing moral positions" or the "outright condemnation of one parent's beliefs by the other parent's religion" . . . unless there is evidence these factors are detrimental to the child re parents' disparate religious beliefs and practices).

"In the absence of any indication of harm, [restrained visitation] is unreasonable and must be vacated." [Marriage of Birdsall (1988) 197 Cal.App.3d 1024, 1031, 243 Cal.Rptr. 287, 291 -- reversible error to prohibit homosexual father from exercising overnight visitation with son in presence of any person known to be homosexual, since no evidence showing detriment to child]

IAAL

 

[SAHMinCA]

Thank you for your responses.

That's not at all what I wanted to hear (of course) but gives me some idea of what I'm up against. In light of the Danielle Van Dam case, I'm very concerned about keeping my kids safe. It's a shame their father doesn't have the same belief.

Maybe we should just move!

 

[I AM ALWAYS LIABLE]

Thank you for your responses.

That's not at all what I wanted to hear (of course) but gives me some idea of what I'm up against. In light of the Danielle Van Dam case, I'm very concerned about keeping my kids safe. It's a shame their father doesn't have the same belief.

Maybe we should just move!

My response:

Please, tell me what is "unsafe" about his lifestyle? Is it because you don't agree with it? What if he just had a dinner guest over to the house, and that guest pulled out a 9mm and shot up everyone? What does his sexuality have to do with anything? What he, and his wife do behind closed doors is their business, just as if you and he were having sex with the kids present - - you remember, just like you did when you were married to him.

IAAL

 

[I AM ALWAYS LIABLE]

My further response:

Well, I'm waiting . . .

IAAL

 

[rmet4nzkx]

Thank you for your responses.

That's not at all what I wanted to hear (of course) but gives me some idea of what I'm up against. In light of the Danielle Van Dam case, I'm very concerned about keeping my kids safe. It's a shame their father doesn't have the same belief.

Maybe we should just move!

I knew this case was your motive. The perp in that case was a neighbor not an unknown party solicited from the internet which opens up another can of worms and right now you don't have sufficient proof of danger. Who made the first contact on the internet? You or them?

 

[SAHMinCA]

I'll try to recreate my post again since the other one was lost while you were "waiting"...sorry for holding you up.

My ex has always made poor choices when it comes to his kids and their best interests. I won't even go into the drug use and partying and moving in with strangers. That's not the issue.

This is also not about sex. He can screw the entire female AND male population of California if he wants. My concern is engaging in group activities when my children are there. What he does behind closed doors is his business, but when it's a one bedroom apartment where my kids sleep on the couch or floor, there isn't a lot of privacy. If it's not an issue of their physical well-being, their mental health is a consideration.

You've made it clear I don't have a leg to stand on. I appreciate your help.

 

[I AM ALWAYS LIABLE]

My response:

It's jealousy, pure and simple. Gee, I wonder where she's having sex? Are the kids present?

It doesn't matter - - it's just jealousy on the writer's part, looking for any excuse to keep the kids away from stepmom - - the woman who's trying to replace her.

IAAL

 

[SAHMinCA]

Wow.

I'm absolutely speechless. I came here for advice, which was given and appreciated.

But now I realize you're absolutely right! All these years, while he filed bankruptcy, jumped from job to job, slept in until noon and served my kids spaghetti-os for breakfast, shacked up with girls under 20, and was late on his child support, I've been jealous. He's a keeper and now she has him! I want him back!

Oh brother.

 

[I AM ALWAYS LIABLE]

Wow.

I'm absolutely speechless. I came here for advice, which was given and appreciated.

But now I realize you're absolutely right! All these years, while he filed bankruptcy, jumped from job to job, slept in until noon and served my kids spaghetti-os for breakfast, shacked up with girls under 20, and was late on his child support, I've been jealous. He's a keeper and now she has him! I want him back!

Oh brother.

My response:

Hey, you're the one that married him - - and stayed married for years and had two children with him! Didn't you know him before you married him, or did he "become" this way while on your "watch". Doesn't say much for you, does it?

You made your bed, now you get to sleep in it.

By the way, when you have sex, where are the kids? Or, have you given up on that?

IAAL

 

[SAHMinCA]

Oh you win. You've beat another ex-wife/mother into submission. What a wonderful way to start out your day!

I'd like to meet the woman who made you such a bitter, angry person. She does good work.

Oh and when I have sex, we always do it right in the family room while the kids are eating dinner and watching The Simpsons. That way, they can see what sex between two married, consenting adults should be like.