HELP! Is it OK to trust him?

[njjean]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? NJ

My off and on "ex" (boyfriend, not husband) is back in our lives. I want to trust him alone with my 5 y.o. but am unsure. We were apart for 3 years because of his abuse of me and drugs and booze, but we decided to try the family thing again. He is very sweet and kind when he is sober. He never hurt Hope that I am aware of but I wonder if that might change. She has some problems (autism) and maybe that will upset him sometime. I have to work and it would be better if he could take care of her since he is not working now. Have any of you bee through something like this and what did you do? Please help!What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?

 

[onebreath]

When you say you agreed to "try the family thing together" it sounds like you already made your choice? Are you choosing to coparent together, or to live together?

If your choosing to coparent together, my personal reaction is I would not want to just pull him in (unless there are visitation orders you must abide by) without knowing for some time, several months, that he is clean. Has he gone to a treatment center? Does he attend a 12 step group regularly? Just my experience with people with real addictions, they don't just 'get over them'...they need to get treatment and be very committed. Their committment will be transparant and spoken. Outside of that, again if there are no visitation orders, I would be very reticent to leave daughter with him.

Its a personal question, not a legal one, so I gave you a personal answer. It sounds like you have already decided and are now second guessing yourself.

 

[njjean]

Thanks for your answer. We decided to live together again. He did go to AA for a while and still goes sometime. He has an interlock on the car so he wont drive drunk. He has been good and I believe he will be fine, but my sister and brother are pressuring me to leave because "people don't change" in thier opinion. My brother wants me to move to CA with his family. But I want this to work because Hope is special needs and needs her father. Plus, John IS her father and has some rights I am sure. Just don't know exactly what his rights are but he says he will go to court if I leave again. What would you do? THanks.

 

[Humusluvr]

**************.... What would you do? THanks.

***A. Don't trust him.

 

[Zigner]

If you have to ask...

 

[njjean]

Still need advice....

Are you folks lawyers or in the legal profession? Do you know what his legal rights are? What if I do leave and take Hope? What if I go to CA to live with my brother? What can he do? He says he will go to court and take her away, but can he really do that? We are not married and he did not see her for a long time until now. I want to believe in him, but my sister and my brother and now you folks say not to trust him. My little girl is the most important thing in my life, but what can I do? I want to talk with someone who has been through somthing like this. Are you out there?

 

[Zigner]

Are you folks lawyers or in the legal profession? Do you know what his legal rights are? What if I do leave and take Hope? What if I go to CA to live with my brother? What can he do? He says he will go to court and take her away, but can he really do that? We are not married and he did not see her for a long time until now. I want to believe in him, but my sister and my brother and now you folks say not to trust him. My little girl is the most important thing in my life, but what can I do? I want to talk with someone who has been through somthing like this. Are you out there?

A good father would do everything in the WORLD to make sure that his right to be involved in his child's life is not interfered with by ANYBODY.

 

[ProSeDadinMD]

A good father would do everything in the WORLD to make sure that his right to be involved in his child's life is not interfered with by ANYBODY.

Bingo! We have a winner...

 

[njjean]

Thanks for your advice, but if there is anyone out there that has actually been through this, please write**************

 

[onebreath]

It sounds like a significant part of this is finances, tell me if I'm wrong. I don't know if you moved in with him, or he with you...but he is not working, and therefore can babysit. I do not know what services are available to your child with autism, and what the cost is. I can understand if MAY be feeling dependent on him financially, and thats part of why you want this to work?

And then there is the piece that its good for her to have her dad in her life, but what about the 3 1/2 years it wasn't good? I get that maybe he was an active user then, and now you think he has changed.

I agree with the last poster, at first sign (and don't be in denial because you are wanting this family to work) its clear dad is relapsing, split. What you do then, I don't know. Find an apt, or then talk to an attorney about your options for moving to CA (for that matter, go ahead and do that).

My bias is based on experience, in my 20's I had several people close to me have to go through rehab and 12 step groups...mainly alcohol, one drug addiction...every single one of them, decades later, continues to go to 12 step groups weekly. While they were in recovery, they attended AA anywhere from 5 to 6 times a week (I'm talking years). My landmark would be if dad is voluntarily going to AA at least 3 times a week (NA, AA, whatever), without ANY imput from you. If he is not actively dealing with his addictions, I do not have faith at all. People have to deal with their addictions on their own terms and in their own time...hope, etc will not change that fact. Perhaps try a CODA group yourself for support and ask questions.

Moving out of state is a whole nother animal. I am not knowledgable enough for your state, nor have enough background info with your family the past several years to know what your case would be. He cannot take your child away if when you chose to move to CA, you do things properly...ask his permission first, if goes to court make it crystal clear to the court the move is about being able to provide better for the childs needs in CA, and that you do not intend to move without the child. If you take things this far, and are denied the moveaway with child....this is why I suggest focusing more on finding financial independence/outside care for your child while staying in the same area.

I hope you have already explored all local services available to you to know if you could do this on your own, and dad visits when you are there (should he relapse). That would be the ideal...if dad does go to court I have no idea what visitation they would give him. The courts MAY give him supervised visits (or not) and if he's "good" for a few months, step that up to unsupervised visits.