How to let ex's husband adopt and terminate my parental rights.

[AdamSarah]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Texas

My ex-wife moved from CA to TX. I have never missed a child support payment. I pay for all extra requests - presents for good report cards, their Christmas and birthday lists. I never see them play with the toys or clothes I buy them.I even pay her gas to take the kids to the doctor and other places. After all these expenses ($1,200 - $2000 / month ), it costs me more than $1000 if I want to visit them. I even pay extra for everything for her and her other son, food, toys , entrance to amusement parks etc so that we will all get along. This is not affordable. As a result I rarely visit ( I am a nursing student ). I have supervised visits and am harassed by her and her husband on these visits and even over the phone. She discussed money and child support with the kids and gets them to ask me for more money as she knows its hard for me to tell them no. She and her husband have told the kids I hate them and allows them to tell me they hate me while they laugh in the background while im on the phone. She has convinced the kids that I am a bad father who doesn't want to visit them. I have recorded messages and emails of her harassment, bullying and emotional blackmail. She refuses to change the visitation to unsupervised and as a result my children have started treating me as they see their mom and step-dad treat me...as a check book. I fought for half custody and lost as she lied in court and even apologized to me for lying a few years later. I have tried to develop a loving relationship with my kids and talk to them on the phone ( its all I get ) a few times a week, but with her in the picture its impossible to develop anything real with them. They only talk to me when they want me to buy them something.
She told me she once would let me terminate my parental rights and obligations and have her husband adopt the kids. I am ready to do this and move on with my life. It has been 10yrs since this emotional turmoil and I'm ready to have a healthy life. I will wait till my kids are no longer minors to have a healthy real relationship with them as this is not healthy for anyone.
Please advice on what I need to do. Has anyone else gone through what I'm going through? I can't fight in court anymore. I have spend thousands of $$$ already.

 

[Proserpina]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Texas

My ex-wife moved from CA to TX. I have never missed a child support payment. I pay for all extra requests - presents for good report cards, their Christmas and birthday lists. I never see them play with the toys or clothes I buy them.I even pay her gas to take the kids to the doctor and other places. After all these expenses ($1,200 - $2000 / month ), it costs me more than $1000 if I want to visit them. I even pay extra for everything for her and her other son, food, toys , entrance to amusement parks etc so that we will all get along. This is not affordable. As a result I rarely visit ( I am a nursing student ). I have supervised visits and am harassed by her and her husband on these visits and even over the phone. She discussed money and child support with the kids and gets them to ask me for more money as she knows its hard for me to tell them no. She and her husband have told the kids I hate them and allows them to tell me they hate me while they laugh in the background while im on the phone. She has convinced the kids that I am a bad father who doesn't want to visit them. I have recorded messages and emails of her harassment, bullying and emotional blackmail. She refuses to change the visitation to unsupervised and as a result my children have started treating me as they see their mom and step-dad treat me...as a check book. I fought for half custody and lost as she lied in court and even apologized to me for lying a few years later. I have tried to develop a loving relationship with my kids and talk to them on the phone ( its all I get ) a few times a week, but with her in the picture its impossible to develop anything real with them. They only talk to me when they want me to buy them something.
She told me she once would let me terminate my parental rights and obligations and have her husband adopt the kids. I am ready to do this and move on with my life. It has been 10yrs since this emotional turmoil and I'm ready to have a healthy life. I will wait till my kids are no longer minors to have a healthy real relationship with them as this is not healthy for anyone.
Please advice on what I need to do. Has anyone else gone through what I'm going through? I can't fight in court anymore. I have spend thousands of $$$ already.

Assuming both your ex and her husband are onboard with the idea, you still need to be speaking with an attorney.

Even if you're in agreement, adoption is rarely a do-it-yourself project.

 

[AdamSarah]

Yes of course. I already have actually and one attorney told me it would be $20,000 or so. Another tried to convince me to take her back to court. I have already spent way too much fighting her in court already. Can anyone give me advice/feedback besides telling me to go to an attorney (as I am already looking into that).

 

[Proserpina]

Yes of course. I already have actually and one attorney told me it would be $20,000 or so. Another tried to convince me to take her back to court. I have already spent way too much fighting her in court already. Can anyone give me advice/feedback besides telling me to go to an attorney (as I am already looking into that).

What do you want us to tell you?

OK...let's try this.

You have two choices.

1. Fight for your kids or,

2. Hope that your ex and her husband actually want the stepparent adoption and go from there.

And dude, really - STOP paying for things you're not obliged to pay for!

Put THAT money into fighting for your visitation rights.

 

[AdamSarah]

Good idea! Yes I have stopped paying for extra things from the beginning of this year( She has been asking me to pay $200 extra for soccer, take won do and ballet/tap classes for them) (BTW she refuses to work). She also expects me to pay for home or private school and I have put my foot down and asked her to opt for regular school as we are really not "rich" and they can get all their extra curricular from regular school. I have been trying also in the meantime to ask her to change the visitation to unsupervised. She has refused and plans to keep it that way till they are 18. I talked to her about letting her husband adopt and she said if I'm serious about it, then to write a letter to her and she would forward it to a lawyer. From what I understand of the process, it looks like she has to do most of the paperwork requesting for her husband to adopt and requesting I agree to relinquish my parental rights and obligations. Am I right? I don't mind writing a letter but what exactly do I write? I don't want to shot myself in the foot with wrong statements. I'm afraid she will change my statements and forward them to a lawyer also ( I'm sorry but I have reason to be paranoid)

 

[mistoffolees]

Good idea! Yes I have stopped paying for extra things from the beginning of this year( She has been asking me to pay $200 extra for soccer, take won do and ballet/tap classes for them) (BTW she refuses to work). She also expects me to pay for home or private school and I have put my foot down and asked her to opt for regular school as we are really not "rich" and they can get all their extra curricular from regular school. I have been trying also in the meantime to ask her to change the visitation to unsupervised. She has refused and plans to keep it that way till they are 18. I talked to her about letting her husband adopt and she said if I'm serious about it, then to write a letter to her and she would forward it to a lawyer. From what I understand of the process, it looks like she has to do most of the paperwork requesting for her husband to adopt and requesting I agree to relinquish my parental rights and obligations. Am I right? I don't mind writing a letter but what exactly do I write? I don't want to shot myself in the foot with wrong statements. I'm afraid she will change my statements and forward them to a lawyer also ( I'm sorry but I have reason to be paranoid)

You have to decide what you want. If you want a child, stop all the crap about adoption and go to court to enforce your rights.

If you don't want a child, then send them a letter saying that you won't fight their request for adoption. They'll have most of the expense and hassle and you'll simply have to sign a few forms.

 

[haiku]

Why was there an agreement for supervised visitation in the first place? And why in the world are you paying for all these extra's-are those court ordered too?

Also I notice you say you would let the husband adopt but you will want contact after the kids are 18. Legally there is no option for that after an adoption takes place.

Seems to me you may be better served to actually enforce your legal rights as your childs parent. But that really depends on the ehys of how you ended up with such an over the top arrangement with your ex.

 

[mistoffolees]

Why was there an agreement for supervised visitation in the first place? And why in the world are you paying for all these extra's-are those court ordered too?

Sounds like they were simply things that Mom got the kids to ask for. Everyone (except maybe Mom) would be better off if Dad used that money to visit the kids rather than paying for extras that Mom requests.

Also I notice you say you would let the husband adopt but you will want contact after the kids are 18. Legally there is no option for that after an adoption takes place.

Actually, there is. Dad picks up phone. "Hi. Remember me?" Once the kids are 18, they can see anyone they wish. Of course, visitation can't be enforced, but no one can stop him from seeing the kids after they're 18 if they wish.

Seems to me you may be better served to actually enforce your legal rights as your childs parent. But that really depends on the ehys of how you ended up with such an over the top arrangement with your ex.

I agree completely. Depending on the reasons for the supervised visitation, I'd do everything in my power to get a new visitation schedule based on the distance - and have the kids spend a significant amount of time with me. Of course, it would mean that OP would have to fight for it - which he doesn't seem real eager to do.

 

[AdamSarah]

Thanks for all the input guys! To make things clearer. Supervised visits were put in place because she lied in court on several issues. The main issue being:
1) my children have food allergies (to nuts) - she claimed in court that I don't know how to care for children with food allergies. The facts are I have never fed or exposed my kids food they are allergic to. She said I did. She keeps them at home (home school) and they are never exposed to the outside world or other kids as other normal kids who go to school are. So even the one time she took them to sunday school they got sick. Likewise, when they see me, we go to an park, or a store for eg and if they start scratching she accuses me of feeding them something. In her care, she rushes them to the ER at least once a month for an allergic reactions.
When I do go to see them however, she has left me alone in the hotel room with them overnight and obviously trusts me to care for them as I am in nursing school and asks me for health advice. Yet she refuses to make it official as she doesn't want them to come to me for long periods of time. Honestly, its all about control and power for her. Not about the best for the kids at all.
My kids are eligible for Medicaid. They are also eligible to join her family health policy for about $150/mo for the entire family ( including herself and her other child). I offered to pay the entire amount but she refused this. So I pay for private medical insurance which is $400/mo. This extra money all adds up and when it comes to visiting I never have enough. Obviously she is trying to get me to pay more money so that I don't see the kids often. Even when I do visit she humiliates me in front of my kids. ( She made me take all my clothes and wash them with her detergent and stand in the laundry room while they were washing and drying before I was allowed to go near my kids). This is all very unhealthy for me and my relationship with my kids. They view me as a joke. This is just the tip of the iceberg. So yes technically I would like to fight for my kids . But this comes at a very high cost as she is not willing to negotiate. At what point to I try to have a normal life? Keep in mind I have been fighting for 10yrs.

 

[AdamSarah]

I agree completely. Depending on the reasons for the supervised visitation, I'd do everything in my power to get a new visitation schedule based on the distance - and have the kids spend a significant amount of time with me. Of course, it would mean that OP would have to fight for it - which he doesn't seem real eager to do.

I have been fighting for 10yrs. I am a human being. I am bound to get frustrated. I think after all this time its normal for me to want some sort of normalcy and happiness in my life otherwise my future looks bleak. There is only so much I can do from my side. She is fighting me tooth and nail here so it has not been an easy fight. She has lied in court. I refuse to do that.

 

[AdamSarah]

Thanks, but I'm not signing that.

No problem. Only if you agree to it. Not otherwise.
Thanks for taking the time to view it! I appreciate that!

 

[Proserpina]

No problem. Only if you agree to it. Not otherwise.
Thanks for taking the time to view it! I appreciate that!

You're welcome - and I think I at least owe you an explanation of why I won't sign it


There's far too much emphasis on second families - it almost reads as if subsequent children should take precedence over first families. Y'know?

I don't want to hijack the thread or go too off topic, but figured I'd at least explain my rationale!

 

[AdamSarah]

No need to explain. However all children should be treated the same. They are after all children. I don't think that first kids should be treated better than second kids. They should be considered when child support is being paid. Otherwise the second kids suffer and no kids deserve to suffer. I have never missed a child support payment. But I also have no money to even have a life of my own or even see my kids much. I can't afford $1000 for 4-7 days. I don't think many people can.
Anyways back to topic! AS always I appreciate your imput!