I am 13yrs.old and want to move to NY with mom HELP!!

[KKHeuser]

KK - there is a HUGE difference between explaining what custody/visitation orders state and involving the child(ren) in the divorce as much as this child is apparently involved. Should that come to the judge's attention, s/he will not be in the least bit amused that Mom has done so. To the point where it could affect the custody determination in Dad's favor. Courts do not like to see this sort of thing because it does place the child in the middle of the parents, forcing them to ally with one or the other.

Do you guys only read part of the posts? Or maybe I should have been more specific I was talking about the liquidation of assets part! This child thinks her father is making her mother sell her piano!!! Her mother should explain about the liquidation and division of marital assets in order to preserve this childs feelings. Would you have your child thinking her father was responsible for something like this when you know different. It is harmful to both the child and that childs' relationship with the "guilty" parent!

 

[stealth2]

No, KK, I don't read the posts in their entirety. Just the bits and pieces that make my point. As it happens, I not only read the entire thread, I usually go back and reread, and then search on previous posts a poster has made to get a more accurate picture of the situation as a whole. In addition, I take the time to look up the legalities of various issues so that I don't post sh*t to someone like "Each state has, I believe, an age of choice law". How about you? How much time and thought do YOU put into it before giving people legally incorrect information?

Has it occured to you that Mom has a very good reason to NOT do as you suggest? That perhaps the reason OP feels Dad is the bad guy here is precisely BECAUSE of Mom's interference and inclusion of the child? Mom has already involved this child enough and needs to cut it out.

As I said before, I have a 13 yo. I'm also divorced from his Dad. When he has questions, I answer them to the best of my ability without putting down his father or dragging him into our disagreements. If I can't say something nice - or at least neutral - I say nothing beyond that I don't know and perhaps it would be a matter to discuss with Dad. My children have to parents. They love both of us. Neither of us are perfect. Just as it is my job to build my relationship with the both of them, it is not my job to tear down their relationship with their Dad. It is up to him to build his relationship with them, whatever it may be.

I suspect this mother is more than willing to tell her kid what a POS Dad is.

 

[KKHeuser]

No, KK, I don't read the posts in their entirety. Just the bits and pieces that make my point. As it happens, I not only read the entire thread, I usually go back and reread, and then search on previous posts a poster has made to get a more accurate picture of the situation as a whole. In addition, I take the time to look up the legalities of various issues so that I don't post sh*t to someone like "Each state has, I believe, an age of choice law". How about you? How much time and thought do YOU put into it before giving people legally incorrect information?

Has it occured to you that Mom has a very good reason to NOT do as you suggest? That perhaps the reason OP feels Dad is the bad guy here is precisely BECAUSE of Mom's interference and inclusion of the child? Mom has already involved this child enough and needs to cut it out.

As I said before, I have a 13 yo. I'm also divorced from his Dad. When he has questions, I answer them to the best of my ability without putting down his father or dragging him into our disagreements. If I can't say something nice - or at least neutral - I say nothing beyond that I don't know and perhaps it would be a matter to discuss with Dad. My children have to parents. They love both of us. Neither of us are perfect. Just as it is my job to build my relationship with the both of them, it is not my job to tear down their relationship with their Dad. It is up to him to build his relationship with them, whatever it may be.

I suspect this mother is more than willing to tell her kid what a POS Dad is.

And there you go, just like the other judgemental know it all people I've had the displeasure of encountering on this board passing judgement and voicing opinions you've no clue are true or not. No one is allowed to have a thought on this board apparently as the "I believe" statement would indicate. This was a thought not a fact!! As a matter of fact, you don't even ask where I get my information before deeming it wrong and worthless. Then perhaps my aunts' custody battle over her 13 year old son who wanted desperately to cut ties with her because heaven forbid she was trying to make him a responsible adult by assigning him daily chores, was a farce. That's right her 13 year old son chose to live with his father and revoke visitation with his mother, the judge allowed this and definitely not because she is unfit as he is one of five children and the only one with an issue. He wanted to live with his father because his father allows him to do whatever he wants when he wants and as a result he's turned into a lazy couch potato who spends all night in front of video games. I have to deal with my husbands ex's version of truth every other weekend and I'm constantly having to correct damaging errors in order to maintain peace in our family. We are brutally honest with the children and it's worked wonderfully! These are very bright kids and more mature than we as adults give them credit for. Who are you people to decide when someone else's child is old enough to know the truth about a situation? As Charlotte said, her mother is posting with her so she can take my suggestion or disregard it based on her daughter's mental capacity to understand things. I did not in anyway suggest she put a slant on it to make dad out to be the bad guy my actual intent was to maybe ease this childs animosity towards her father by putting the actual blame of the loss of her piano where it belonged on the court system.

 

[stealth2]

Oh brother. Lose the hysterics. Your aunt's situation doesn't translate to "Each state has, I believe, an age of choice law".

While you may not be suggesting that OP's mother put a slant on things, has it occured to you that she already has? And that's why OP thinks her Dad's the bad guy? All you've done is encourage that to continue.

As for your stepkids? It's not your place to tell them anything - it's Dad's.

 

[KKHeuser]

Oh brother. Lose the hysterics. Your aunt's situation doesn't translate to "Each state has, I believe, an age of choice law".

While you may not be suggesting that OP's mother put a slant on things, has it occured to you that she already has? And that's why OP thinks her Dad's the bad guy? All you've done is encourage that to continue.

As for your stepkids? It's not your place to tell them anything - it's Dad's.

Ok apparently you aren't getting this so let me post to you as if posting to a small child...
"Each state has, I believe, an age of choice law". This is a thought not a statement of fact! This to normal people would say, poster is unsure of the actual laws but, suggests I look into it.

I myself wondered if there already was a slant on things that is why I suggested the mother read the liquidation of assets order to her child and explain it!!! No way can you get "Dad demands precious items be sold" from "Equal division of marital assets" My point on this issue was that the selling of the piano was more than likely court ordered and not at her father's discretion. By pointing this out to the child and suggesting the reading of the order I hoped to defuse the situation a bit leaving mom no room for slanting. I believe I did that! It's not my fault you read things into posts that aren't there.

As for my step kids, again you are voicing an opinion on a situation you know NOTHING about but, I saw your post on the other thread about your kids Step mom and no longer question your animosity towards me and the other Step parents on the board. I don't know your situation nor do I want to know but, I did find your statements "They have no need for a new mom" "She can be their friend even their mentor but, their mother not ever!" to be very telling and this attitude is going to back fire on you one day! I hope none of your children are involved in events that require your presenting them to the world as graduating seniors. Because you're going to get your feelings hurt if they are. My husband's ex has just learned this and is already trying to talk the oldest out of quitting the team. She doesn't want to stand up there as one of two moms presenting her son to the world. Not only that she just found out that her boyfriend would not be permitted to join her on this occassion unless she marries him and that's not going to happen.

 

[madmom41]

i know in Texas the child at 12 years old can voice want they want to do and where they want to live. my son is 12 and i am going through it right now. so they can tell the judge where they want to live.... you go for it girl you stand up and you tell them where you want to live, dont back down either....

 

[stealth2]

I don't know your situation nor do I want to know but, I did find your statements "They have no need for a new mom" "She can be their friend even their mentor but, their mother not ever!" to be very telling and this attitude is going to back fire on you one day! I hope none of your children are involved in events that require your presenting them to the world as graduating seniors. Because you're going to get your feelings hurt if they are. My husband's ex has just learned this and is already trying to talk the oldest out of quitting the team. She doesn't want to stand up there as one of two moms presenting her son to the world. Not only that she just found out that her boyfriend would not be permitted to join her on this occassion unless she marries him and that's not going to happen.

Sorry, sweetheart, but you would need to know the whole story to make a comment on the situation. My kids' stepmother is no angel, and she's got herself a fitting match in my ex.

 

[casa]

Interjection

My kids would be totally messed up if I let them 'in' on all the legal comings and goings I've been through

The mother is setting herself up to create a divide which her child will play to the hilt, if it continues to be allowed. In which case, she'll get what she deserves.

 

[stealth2]

As for my step kids, again you are voicing an opinion on a situation you know NOTHING about but, I saw your post on the other thread about your kids Step mom and no longer question your animosity towards me and the other Step parents on the board.

I'll add a statement about this, as well. You did the same in commenting about a situation you know nothing about. Pot - meet kettle.

In addition, if you spend a little more time here, you might see the numerous posts from numerous stepparents who do actually understand the legalities involved in their positions.

 

[KKHeuser]

I'll add a statement about this, as well. You did the same in commenting about a situation you know nothing about. Pot - meet kettle.

In addition, if you spend a little more time here, you might see the numerous posts from numerous stepparents who do actually understand the legalities involved in their positions.

I've given opinions based on the situations I've read which is exactly what is expected on this board! You use your personal issues to disrespect others and their opinions. I have not done that. I know perfectly well the legalities of my situation and I like many others would like to see that changed. My husband's ex is unfit to be a parent and where she lacks my husband and I must step in and make it up. I don't care how you feel about your ex's new wife. Your situation is not mine. You don't know me and you don't know the half of what is going on in my family. Therefore, don't tell me where my "place" is or what is within my "rights" to do. Someone has to raise these children to be respectable adults, it's obvious their BM could care less and my husband can't do it alone as he himself had nothing on which to base his own parenting. We are teaching them how a family is supposed to function. We've seen a great deal of improvement in each child since we started forcing her to honor the entire visitation order. This woman uses these children as her meal ticket and as leverage against my husband. The children had become inactive and preferred laying about watching inappropriate programs and refused to eat anything but, junk food. Now they are active, trying new things and participating in family events instead of sitting in a corner with their noses stuck to the game boy screen. They also choose to watch more family aimed programs and less violent horror flicks. I think just those few things alone prove that my "place" in their life has been much more beneficial to them than that of their BM.

 

[AHA]

Since when do the kids decide what furniture should be sold or not in a divorce? Since when do kids decide that keeping a piece of expensive furniture is more important than raising money to pay for a new home and food........and, above all, move out of state?
The legal details of a divorce is between the 2 adults that are divorcing to deal with and settle, not the teen kids! If the teen has a preference which parent she/he wants to live with, then says so and resolve that with the parents, but it ends there. Kids have no business getting involved in all the legalities in a messy divorce, and a judge would probably not be as polite as me when explaining that. Using some common sense would be advised to some on this thread.

 

[LdiJ]

Whether or not the parents impart this information to the child, the child is old enough to figure out what is going on or to draw their own conclusions. In this case, the child is blaming her father for selling her piano, which we all know was probably a court ordered liquidation of assets. In my OPINION it is better that a child of this age who's already drawing conclusions to be sat down and told what is actually taking place. Also, I believe that a child of this age has a right to know about things that are affecting their lives. Parents aren't the only ones who have to make changes in their routine. The entire family is affected. And I do not buy into treating children as if they are belongings or like they are deaf, dumb and blind. I am a step mother of three children all within this age group and their mother is of the same opinion as you. For example, The children wanted to spend Christmas with us this year like they did last year. She told them they couldn't because the Judge said so. When we saw them on our next weekend the oldest was angry and distant. The only way we knew what was bothering him was that he made a comment about who is the judge to tell them who they could be with for the holidays. We explained the custody and visitation agreement, the whys and the hows and he was satisfied with that. Kids are not stupid too bad adults think they are.

I understand why you made that suggestion. On its face its logical. You are assuming that it will prove to the judge that dad is not the reason why her piano is being sold.

Unfortunately, you are forgeting the fact that its possible that dad IS being the bad guy, and is insisting that the piano be sold for selfish reasons, or even as a punishment because his daughter doesn't want to spend time with him.

Therefore, your suggestion could actually have the opposite results from what your logic tells you.

That is why we can't advise parents to get the kids overly involved in the details of the divorce. It may be suitable sometimes for kids to be kept "in the know" to one extent or another, particularly on issues that effect THEM.
However we can't accurately know when that is or isn't suitable so we need to keep our advice somewhat limited to what's GENERALLY appropriate.

You actually could have accomplished the same thing you wanted to accomplish just by pointing out to Charlotte that it might not be her dad's fault that the piano was being sold, it might be the judge's order due to financial issues.

 

[KKHeuser]

Since when do the kids decide what furniture should be sold or not in a divorce? Since when do kids decide that keeping a piece of expensive furniture is more important than raising money to pay for a new home and food........and, above all, move out of state?
The legal details of a divorce is between the 2 adults that are divorcing to deal with and settle, not the teen kids! If the teen has a preference which parent she/he wants to live with, then says so and resolve that with the parents, but it ends there. Kids have no business getting involved in all the legalities in a messy divorce, and a judge would probably not be as polite as me when explaining that. Using some common sense would be advised to some on this thread.

If what Charlotte claims in her original post is true then she has every right to to know why it's being sold she said...

" He is forcing me to sell my 10,000 piano because he wants the money"

The key word in this statement made by her is "my" if this piano does belong to her then she has a right to know why it is being sold. Apparently, she thinks the piano is hers, could be because she's the only one who can play it or it was bought for her to practice on.

 

[KKHeuser]

I understand why you made that suggestion. On its face its logical. You are assuming that it will prove to the judge that dad is not the reason why her piano is being sold.

Unfortunately, you are forgeting the fact that its possible that dad IS being the bad guy, and is insisting that the piano be sold for selfish reasons, or even as a punishment because his daughter doesn't want to spend time with him.

Therefore, your suggestion could actually have the opposite results from what your logic tells you.

That is why we can't advise parents to get the kids overly involved in the details of the divorce. It may be suitable sometimes for kids to be kept "in the know" to one extent or another, particularly on issues that effect THEM.
However we can't accurately know when that is or isn't suitable so we need to keep our advice somewhat limited to what's GENERALLY appropriate.

You actually could have accomplished the same thing you wanted to accomplish just by pointing out to Charlotte that it might not be her dad's fault that the piano was being sold, it might be the judge's order due to financial issues.

A very valid point! He could very possibly be the bad guy in this situation I've always been the one to give people the benefit of the doubt and was trying to express that in case mom is putting these thoughts into her head.

As for your final comment, I did just as you are suggesting in my original post to Charlotte. So you don't have to go a hunting for it here's the actual line I am referring to...

"As for the selling off of assets that may not have anything specifically to do with your father and may be that was court ordered."

 

[LdiJ]

A very valid point! He could very possibly be the bad guy in this situation I've always been the one to give people the benefit of the doubt and was trying to express that in case mom is putting these thoughts into her head.

As for your final comment, I did just as you are suggesting in my original post to Charlotte. So you don't have to go a hunting for it here's the actual line I am referring to...

"As for the selling off of assets that may not have anything specifically to do with your father and may be that was court ordered."

Yes, but the point I was making was that statement alone was sufficient. You didn't need to suggest that her mom open up the entire property settlement for her to review. That is what isn't a good idea.