I just want to be with my girls

[kao75]

Hello. I am a mother of 2 beautiful girls that I hardly ever get to see. My ex-husband and I got divorced in May of 1999. At the time I was living in Indiana and he and the girls in Michigan. The divorce order said I could see the kids every other weekend...Saturday 10am to 7pm and Sunday 10 am to 5pm. This was okay with me. However, I now live in Michigan, only 20 minutes away from the children. I have tried talking to my ex-husband. He won't listen to me. He will never return my calls. I want to be able to spend more time with the girls, but he denies me every time I ask. He is never home when I go get the girls. He lives with his parents and they are the ones who seem to be taking care of the girls. I at least want my children to spend the night with me. What is so terrible about that?! I want to file for a hearing in front of a judge, but I don't know how. I have heard that the paper that needs to be filed has to be filed by a lawyer. Does anyone know if this is true? I can't afford a lawyer. Is there any way that someone can please give me some advice on how to go about getting more visitation with my children? Any advice would be appreciated.

 

[MySonsMom]

Do you mind me asking why the girls live with their Father and why you were granted such minimal visitation?

 

[kao75]

I don't mind you asking at all. I willingly gave custody of my children to their father. I did this because at the time it was in the best interest of my children. We were all living with his parents. At the time of seperation I moved out. I had no where to go so I got a tiny run down apartment in a not so great area. The children had every thing with their father and he had a good job. I lost my job because my ex-husband took my car (it was in his name). I then moved to Indiana. I started a new life there and got back on my feet. I drove from Indian every other weekend to see the girls. I now live close to them. My life is in order. I have a great fiance. We have a nice 2 bedroom apartment, one bedroom is the girls room. I have a pretty good job. My oldest daughter is 6 and she cries every time she comes over because she can't even spend the night with us. I know they are happy at their home. However, I believe a parent should be taking care of them. I don't believe this is happening. I think their grandparents are doing so. They are great people, but if my ex-husband can't find time for the girls then I believe they should be with me full-time. At the very least I want them to spend more time with me.

 

[MySonsMom]

Since you are living closer to the girls, and have access to see them more; I would suggest petitioning the courts to revise the visitation. Having the children every other weekend from Friday evening until Sunday evening is not too much to ask for a non custodial parent; and is quite normal for a set visitiaton. Good luck! (p.s. I applaud you for doing what is best for the children. I am very pro Mother, but when you are put into a situation when you know that the children would be best with the other parent; that is when you make an appropriate decision regarding the welfare of the children. And I like to see that you didn't come back and want to strip the girls from the Father, and take them away from their home. You want more time, and there is nothing wrong with that...Hats off to you! )

[Edited by MySonsMom on 11-20-2000 at 11:09 AM]

 

[kao75]

Thank you very much. You don't know how many times I have heard that I am not a very good mother for giving custody to their father. I don't argue with these people, though. I know in my heart that I did what is best for my children and that is what is important to me. I am going to try to petition the court. I just need to figure out how I go about this. Thank you again. It is understanding people like you that give others the strenth to continue on.

 

[Grandma B]

Hopefully you are able to ignore the naysayers re your daughters' custody. You should be named Mother of the Year for what you did--too many mothers cause their children to live lives of poverty/strife by insisting on custody when they have no means to provide safe, healty lifestyles for them. Kudos to you!

Now that you've turned your life around (and it sounds like your ex has done nothing to improve himself--makes good money, but resides with parents, etc.), it would be great if you could file an order to change custody. Sounds to me (not an attorney) like these girls would be better raised by a mother than by their grandparents (with a resident father). Any chance of finding a pro bono attorney in your area?

 

[MySonsMom]

<<Now that you've turned your life around (and it sounds like your ex has done nothing to improve himself--makes good money, but resides with parents, etc.), it would be great if you could file an order to change custody.>>

Sorry, this is the behavior the I absolutely do not agree with. I am so against this "plan" that it angers me to even think about it. That is why I won't even continue to comment.

 

[Grandma B]

<<Now that you've turned your life around (and it sounds like your ex has done nothing to improve himself--makes good money, but resides with parents, etc.), it would be great if you could file an order to change custody.>>

Sorry, this is the behavior the I absolutely do not agree with. I am so against this "plan" that it angers me to even think about it. That is why I won't even continue to comment.

What you are saying in effect is that the grandparents deserve custody over this mother who has PROVEN herself in doing what is best for her children. The father has custody true, but it definitely sounds like his parents are doing the parenting. I simply cannot agree that this is better for the girls than being with their loving mother.

I am a doting grandmother myself and do many things for my grandchildren; however, there is no way I could ever give them what their mother can--the life every child deserves to live.

If life's circumstances at some point had forced you to put your son in another's care, would you not want him back as soon as you were able to provide for him?

 

[MySonsMom]

She doesn't have proof that the Father is not doing the parenting. If she did have the proof, then yes; the child would be best with the Mother. But all she is saying is that when she picks the children up that sometimes the Father isn't there...There could be many reasons for that. If she can prove that the Father is not parenting the children majority of the time, then yes; EVERYTHING would be different. Until then, my feelings remain the same. And as far as your comment regarding getting your life in order and then asking for the children back from the other parent; I am not a fan of that. Children need stability and should not be tossed around when one parent has bettered their life. I also do not think it's fair for one parent to put their parenting on hold to pursue other things, and then ask for them back when done. These are children, and if they are put in the other parents care for whatever reason; the other parent that gave up the custody shouldn't feel that it's all dandy to bring them back when they feel. Plus, that isn't fair to the parent that accepted the full time responsibility to raise the child for the other parent. It's a horrible cycle for ALL involoved. That is why the system is set up the way it is. Unless there is a major change in circumstance, custody remains the same. This eliminates this sort of activity. As most know on this board, I feel that children should always be with their Mother; unless there are circumstances which this set up is not best for the children. So I know where you are coming from, I am a Mother.

[Edited by MySonsMom on 11-20-2000 at 12:04 PM]

 

[kao75]

I agree with both of you. I am not going to go after custody right now. However, if my ex-husband can not prove to me that he is doing the parenting I will do so. As far as proof that he is not, I have a book that I have kept beginning with December 24th of last year. Only maybe a dozen times has he been there. Also, the children are always telling me that they do not see Daddy. They say he is always gone with his girlfriend. I have met her. I hold no ill feeling towards her. She appears to show much love and compassion towards my children. However, she should be able to spend time with the children and their father together. Not take him away from the children. I know children have imaginations, but they would not tell me that their daddy is always gone if he wasn't.

 

[MySonsMom]

Well then you are doing the right thing by documenting everything. Consistant absense in the childs life is grounds for filing a petition for a change in custody. Good luck!

 

[Grandma B]

She doesn't have proof that the Father is not doing the parenting. If she did have the proof, then yes; the child would be best with the Mother. But all she is saying is that when she picks the children up that sometimes the Father isn't there...There could be many reasons for that. If she can prove that the Father is not parenting the children majority of the time, then yes; EVERYTHING would be different. Until then, my feelings remain the same. And as far as your comment regarding getting your life in order and then asking for the children back from the other parent; I am not a fan of that. Children need stability and should not be tossed around when one parent has bettered their life. I also do not think it's fair for one parent to put their parenting on hold to pursue other things, and then ask for them back when done. These are children, and if they are put in the other parents care for whatever reason; the other parent that gave up the custody shouldn't feel that it's all dandy to bring them back when they feel. Plus, that isn't fair to the parent that
accepted the full time responsibility to raise the child for the other parent. It's a horrible cycle for ALL involoved. That is why the system is set up the way it is. Unless there is a major change in circumstance, custody remains the same. This eliminates this sort of activity. As most know on this board, I feel that children should always be with their Mother; unless there are circumstances which this set up is not best for the children. So I know where you are coming from, I am a Mother.

[Edited by MySonsMom on 11-20-2000 at 12:04 PM] [/

Sorry if I seemed offensive, but I simply don't think this mom handed her children over to pursue other interests. She said they had been living with dad's parents anyway (which could have contributed to marital problems in the first place), and, of course, she had nowhere to take children when being shut out. I feel she sounds as if she's done a wonderful job of putting her children first and getting a new life begun. Therefore, I think she has a RIGHT to her children, even if dad is a good person. I also have doubts that a "real" dad would still be living with his parents if he were truly interested in growing up and providing for his family HIMSELF. I'm suspicious that his parents are still raising him as well as the children, and as I said earlier, living with them may well have contributed to the demise of the marriage.

 

[grandpa]

The trutful facts

In any story there are facts to be considered. There are many facts omitted in this "woe is me" story. The woman involved knows the truth - thank God the children have been sheltered from the real true story. Perhaps if the people providing advice really knew the truth it would burn your ears......enough said. God bless the children.

[Edited by grandpa on 02-12-2001 at 10:49 PM]