I need some suggestions

[imxoz]

What is the name of your state? Oklahoma
I am custodial parent of 3 children, 2 girls and one boy (11). I need some suggestions on how to help my son. His father is putting alot of pressure and guilt on my son. He tells him if you come live with me then....... if you lived with me your mom could come visit anytime....... My son is very sensitive and comes home from visits angry and tearful. I need some helpful kind support. I am very supportive and aware of the importanct of his relationship (and all my children) with their father. I have never denied any requests for extra time. Please help, I feel for him.

 

[Inquiry123]

Clarification...

Your son: Who/what is he "angry and tearful" at/about?

 

[ncdadof3]

Hi, I'm sorry I can't offer you as good advice as many other members, but being that no one else has replied I thought I would give my opinion.
Being that the Dad wants the son to come live with him leads me to believe he "the dad" cares alot about his son and maybe even feels that his home isn't complete without at least one of his children living with him. and the interest of the son over the girls might be the ability to relate, he may also feel threatened if you have another male figure in your life. as far as the pressure and guilt I don't think it is fair to put that on the shoulders of a child.I have been guilty of doing the same and am actually learning from you as well. If my ex wrote me a sincere letter explaining I was unintentionally causing the child pain, I think I would try to find new ways of letting my son know I love him and want to be more involved in his life, like taking advantage of the extra time you claim to not refuse him. they all seem to say at around age 12 is the time a boy needs his father the most. as a nc father of 3boys, 1 in which I have to jump through hoops just to see, my hat is off to you for being compassionate enough to encourage and respect the father son relationship to the extent you offer extra time whenever he wants. I would seriously give my right arm and leg to have that kind of co-parenting relationship

 

[bradybunchmom]

dad should not pressure him

he may have another motive for wanting his son to live with him-so he wont have to pay child support anymore.he should not pressure his son this way,it will only make him angry and resentful. a judge will see thru this manipulation. tell dad to back off.

 

[stealth2]

My ex said similar stuff to our son when he was 10/11, indicating to him that when he was 12, he could choose where to live and Dad was sure son would prefer to live with him. I sat kiddo down and explained to him how it all worked. That if it was something he wanted, we would all have to sit down and discuss his reasons and look at the whole picture. If we all agreed, then that would be one thing. If, however, one of us didn't agree - we would have to ask the judge to make the decision. And that he could rest assured that I would listen with a fair ear and would neither say no to be mean to him/his Dad OR say yes to be his friend - I'd base my decision on what I felt was the right thing to do.

It seemed to lay his mind at ease that it was not a matter of his having to choose between us. He also apparently let Dad know that he was aware of how it worked, and another word hasn't been heard about it. Of course, Dad isn't in a position to have either of the kids living with him now anyway.

 

[imxoz]

Thanks for the input. Anybody else, keep them coming. We did sit down last night and talked about the fact that he was a child and that the adults made these decisions and for him not to worry. The anger and tears come from the fact that he is frustrated and not wanting to hurt anyone's feelings. One of the writers is right, his dad's motivation is not to spend more time with him. He had them for spring break and forgot and went hog hunting for half of their spring break, leaving them with his wife. His wife actually left one day for a couple of hours, telling them all that she was sick of them all and didn't want to see their faces and went shopping. MY middle daughter wanted to go and she said no, that she was going to give her some time. Dad, even when he returned from his hog hunting didn't take any additional time off. I just worry about my son's emotinal health. He is very kind hearted and loving and feeling (his words) pressured. I have gave him assurance he would be taken care of and could spend as much time as he wanted with him.

 

[stealth2]

The best thing you can do is just keep reinforcing that. My boy is also a very gentle soul and takes things very much to heart. Make sure he knows that you're available to listen, or if he prefers someone not so close to the situation that you'll find someone for him to talk to.

And, uuhh..... don't discount Dad turning his attention to the girls, however. I'm in the midst of that situation at the moment and it's a very fine line to walk.