Issues with work and visitation...

[green_ranger]

What is the name of your state?What is the name of your state? Georgia

I'll try to make this as short as possible. Divorced, and both ex and I live in Georgia. I am the NCP.

In our decree and agreement, it is stated that I have the "right" to have the kids on certain days (every other weekend, one night each week, alternating holidays, etc.) where I will pick them up from school as needed and take them to school at the end of visitation. Unfortunately, my work requires me to travel on a fairly regular basis causing me, from time to time, to have to end my visitation early or start later depending on the situation. My ex always gives me a hard time about it because I'm cutting into her time. She has recently hinted that she is not going to be as accomodating as before. This makes me think she will not be willing to take the kids back early or demand that I pick them up on time from school instead of her house if I'm back later than normal on Friday's.

My real question is whether she can do this? I want to spend as much time as I can with my kids, and I hate it when I can't have them when I'm away. However, my work is my work and there is not much I can do about it most of the time. My take is that because I have the "right" to have the kids on those days and times, I also have the right to not excercise my visitation or end it early or start late, even though it is not explicitly stated as such. There is one line stating that I must give her at least 24 hours notice if I choose not to excercise my visitation. In reality it usually just means I have to end it early or start it later.

Any ideas or suggestions? I'm hating to think that I would have to put it in these terms to my ex, but I may have no other choice. Also, if she attempts to obstruct my travel in this way, can I file an notice of contempt or otherwise, and should I warn her about this consequence or just do it if necessary?

 

[Zephyr]

would it be possible to have one of your family members or friend do the pick up/ drop off when you are unable to, so that your ex can't claim the inconvenience?

I see both sides of this, your ex may not be trying to be mean about this, but every time you are late or need to drop the kids early she has to alter whatever plans she has already made based on the fact that you should have the kids at that time. Of course your work is your work and can be very difficult to change, maybe even a babysitter at those times and give your ex right of first refusal?

you can't file for contempt unless she refuses to allow the visitation.

 

[LdiJ]

I can also see both sides of this situation as well. If you aren't giving her at least 24 hours advance notice then you are definitely in the wrong. It is not right to suddenly disrupt whatever plans she may have made.

I agree with the other poster. You need to be making arrangements for someone in your family to handle the pickups and dropoffs on time. (however you should always give mom the right of first refusal)

 

[haiku]

I have to agree with the other posters, my husband is the NCP, and we are often at the beck and call of a CP who is constantly changing pick up and drop offs on us. it can become a real PITA, to have adjust work and travel schedules constantly at the last minute, and be kept waiting. once in a while is fine. Barring the occasional emergency you should really keep the ex up to date on your schedule, and arrange alternate pick up and care of your kids when possible, so that others are not put out by your schedule.

my husband has a VERY demanding schedule also but he makes it VERY clear at his place of employment that there will be NO exceptions for at least ONE weekend a month, thats the kids weekend, period. all other visitation times are at the convenience of both parties, and may or may not happen. this may also be something for you to consider to help make scheduling demands on both sides, easier.

 

[green_ranger]

Believe me, I do keep her up to date. I go so far as to send her a calendar of when I'm travelling and when I'll need to drop off early or pick up late. Nothing is ever a surprise. Unfortunately, I have no other family in town. That used to be an option, but my parents moved away about a year ago. I do respect her time and have no interest in disrupting her life. However, she knows my work involves travel. My work also knows my situation as well, but when I have to be somewhere for a meeting on Monday, I have to travel on Sunday. There is no way around it. I'm just trying to understand my options in case this really becomes disruptive. To keep my job, I'd rather not have to call her and simply state "I'm chosing not to excercise by visitation this weekend" and not see my kids at all.

 

[Zephyr]

you giving here a calendar is a great idea, knowing that I don't understand mom's reluctance to work with you on this, but you still have the option of contacting your local health and human services dept, they almost always keep a list on file of reputable licensed people who provide child care. get in touch and see if any of them will include transportation with their child care. a few bucks may save you a whole bunch of headache. good luck.

 

[kayceebee]

I'm the CP and my ex puts me in a similar situation. He is to pick the boys up from the after school program on every other Friday. I get a call (not a calendar in advance) saying he'll get them Saturday at 11:00 or whenever. When I have my kids - my life is my kids. When they are with their Dad, I use that time to work OT at work, or to scrapbook, have dinner with my friends, etc.

If I agree to work OT at work, I then have to scramble to find a sitter at the last minute and it is at my own cost. If I have paid $60 for a scrapbooking event, I either can't go and lose my $60 or I have to hire a sitter - at my own expense.

I get irritated because I am not my ex husband's sitter. I am an adult and make all the arrangements for the boys 85% of the time, because thankfully, I have them. I make plans sometimes months in advance. I VERY seldom get a sitter for my kids on my weekends, so I plan my activities for when they are gone. When their father decides, for work or otherwise, that it's inconvenient for him to get them at the scheduled time, I find it rude and inconsiderate of me.

Hind sight, I would have had something put in the agreement that he is responsible for baby sitting fees for the time he chooses to not exercise his rights. $6 and hour adds up.

 

[green_ranger]

I was hoping for advice, being that the site is freeadvice.com and not freeopinions.com. Why is the assumption that I'm involved in some "game-playing crap?" Let me give you my two cents:

I didn't ask for this situation. I was a loving and faithful husband and father. My ex wanted to get her jollies elsewhere, thereby betraying me and our two boys, and destroying our family! Now, while she gets a new rack, a new $45K Suburban, a new house, and her new husband gets new eyes (laser surgery), I live paycheck to paycheck barely making ends meet. So please, before you judge me for working my butt off and having to make changes from time to time with plenty of advance notice, give me the benefit of the doubt. I got the shaft and my world was turned upside down, so I honestly don't care about her time or what she does with it. My time with my boys is just that: my time. If I have to make changes for work and it disrupts her plans, it's always assumed that she's the one put out. For God's sake, she has our boys with her and should cherish that time. I don't get that enough as it is. If you think I would rather be in a foreign city than watching my kids play baseball or attend a school function, you're insane.

Please, please, don't reply to this posting unless you have some constructive input. I really don't have the time.

 

[stealth2]

I'd advise that you take it back to court for a modification. While she is to provide the children to you on the specified dates/times, it really isn't reasonable to expect that she change her plans based on your schedule - especially if that possibility isn't included in your orders. Also, be aware that there is nothing in that order (from what you said) that requires her to be available to take the kids back before the specified time - if you can't keep them, it's your responsibility to sort it out.

It IS reasonable to expect that she be flexible. It is ALSO reasonable to expect that you compensate her should your schedule interfere with plans she may have.

As for not liking the input you've gotten - you get what you pay for. Don't like it - pay for it elsewhere.

 

[dannysmyboy]

you giving here a calendar is a great idea, knowing that I don't understand mom's reluctance to work with you on this, but you still have the option of contacting your local health and human services dept, they almost always keep a list on file of reputable licensed people who provide child care. get in touch and see if any of them will include transportation with their child care. a few bucks may save you a whole bunch of headache. good luck.

I think I understand mom's reluctance...CONTROL, CONTROL, CONTROL....
been there, done that!

 

[dannysmyboy]

I was hoping for advice, being that the site is freeadvice.com and not freeopinions.com. Why is the assumption that I'm involved in some "game-playing crap?" Let me give you my two cents:

I didn't ask for this situation. I was a loving and faithful husband and father. My ex wanted to get her jollies elsewhere, thereby betraying me and our two boys, and destroying our family! Now, while she gets a new rack, a new $45K Suburban, a new house, and her new husband gets new eyes (laser surgery), I live paycheck to paycheck barely making ends meet. So please, before you judge me for working my butt off and having to make changes from time to time with plenty of advance notice, give me the benefit of the doubt. I got the shaft and my world was turned upside down, so I honestly don't care about her time or what she does with it. My time with my boys is just that: my time. If I have to make changes for work and it disrupts her plans, it's always assumed that she's the one put out. For God's sake, she has our boys with her and should cherish that time. I don't get that enough as it is. If you think I would rather be in a foreign city than watching my kids play baseball or attend a school function, you're insane.

Please, please, don't reply to this posting unless you have some constructive input. I really don't have the time.

I'm on your side!!! We have the same issues, you are not alone!!

 

[kayceebee]

I think I understand mom's reluctance...CONTROL, CONTROL, CONTROL....
been there, done that!

IMO, i my situation, the NCP is the one trying to CONTROL. As the CP, I make arrangements for my kids as necessary. He thinks he can CONTROL me and not get the kids at his convenience. I'm under his thumb. If he decides to not pick them up from daycare - I have no choice - I cancel my plans, call in to work and say I can't be there, or scramble to hire a babysitter.

 

[dannysmyboy]

IMO, i my situation, the NCP is the one trying to CONTROL. As the CP, I make arrangements for my kids as necessary. He thinks he can CONTROL me and not get the kids at his convenience. I'm under his thumb. If he decides to not pick them up from daycare - I have no choice - I cancel my plans, call in to work and say I can't be there, or scramble to hire a babysitter.

Man, on either side, parents can be so vindictive and mean.... Kids are smarter than we give them credit for, they see who cares and who doesn't. They figure it out eventually, and you'll reap the rewards later.
take care

 

[green_ranger]

Man, on either side, parents can be so vindictive and mean.... Kids are smarter than we give them credit for, they see who cares and who doesn't. They figure it out eventually, and you'll reap the rewards later.
take care

That's one of the most frustrating things about this all. I do what I can to make up MY time with the kids. Every moment is magical. My ex fails to see the good things and only picks out the bad. Human nature I suppose...or her nature maybe. For all the times I've had to fly somewhere and miss a baseball game, etc., I've left work early to take them to practice or just to be with them. Today is a perfect example, I'm crushed with work to do, but I choose to leave early to take my oldest to baseball practice. I never harp on my ex for being late to most baseball games because she has to redo her hair twenty times over. Sacrifices are made on both sides of the fence. Sounds like I'm trying to toot my own horn, but I'm not. Just making a point. Thanks for the reponses.

 

[nextwife]

UIT this job because it did not allow him to meet the visitation time?

It always amazes me. The NCP is expected to pay CS - this REQUIRES working. If the NCP QUIT this job so that he would be better able to meet the visitation time, he would be forced to pay CS on the current income if he couldn't get a different job that always allowed him to be available more. My husband sometimes has to travel at the spur of the moment. Because if lousy airline schedules, delays at layovers, and frequent cancelations of the last flight in, there are days I must be the one to meet the bus. His travel needs are PART of his job requirements. If I insisted he not travel and be a totally predictable 9 to fiver, he would not be able to perform the job he performs, and he could not earn the money he earns. The unpredictability of his schedule is part of his employment- I can't expect him to maintain his job AND also have a predictable schedule.

Ya know, Dad had his kids removed from his daily life. If they lived with him, he could see them on a more regular basis - like mom gets to. Sorry, part of GETTING to be the parent who has a kid living with you, is getting to be the one that must be there if sitters and other plans fall thgrough. If I as a parent want the benefit of getting to have my kid live with me, I should also be willing to accept the disadvantages it brings.

Unless ex is willing to give up the benefit that his having that job brings economically, she shouldn't be kvetching about the inconvenience his having that job causes her.