Joint Legal Custody- Dad is disagreeing with medical procedure

[funnybabyboy200]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? PA

My son's speech therapist recommended I take him to an ENT based on his speech, his large tonsils, nasal tone, mouth breathing, & snoring.

I scheduled an appointment with ENT, notified Dad of appointment time & place, and made sure he was ok with the time & Dr. He said he would be at appt. Texted 2 days before appt. to remind Dad, and he said he would try to make it.

He didn't show for the appointment. The Dr. listened to my description of symptoms, and did an exam of my son. In addition to the symptoms I listed above that were noted by the Speech Therapist, my son has sleep apnea. The Dr. recommended surgery to remove his adenoids & tonsils. I called Dad to tell him the recommendation, and consult with him about a good time for me to schedule it. He said he would call me back later, he was on his way to a appointment. I said ok, and I would call him back with the surgery date.

I called back with the date I scheduled, and he said that he didn't think that surgery would help because he had his tonsils removed & he was still having problems. He said he would "try to be at the surgery", but something else might come up, like classes, or something with school.

I emailed him about the costs, which I don't even have a total for, but he will be responsible for paying 25% of, the first payment being a $400 deposit due one week before the June 8th surgery. It is my understanding that I pay the bill, and am reimbursed for his share through DR. I have a $3500 deductible, of which ~$500 has been satisfied.

Now Dad is telling me that I need to "leave me (him) alone", that he doesn't agree with the surgery & if I'm going to do it anyway, I should pay for it.

What do I do? Should I continue with the surgery?

 

[Zigner]

If you have to ask a bunch of strangers on the internet, then I would question the medical necessity.

 

[funnybabyboy200]

I don't know if I'm legally obligated to NOT continue with the procedure because he said he disagrees to it. Does he have to file with the court to officially disagree with the procedure? Do I have to file with the court because he's saying he doesn't want the procedure to happen? Or can I proceed with the surgery? I don't want to violate our order.

 

[Proserpina]

I don't know if I'm legally obligated to NOT continue with the procedure because he said he disagrees to it. Does he have to file with the court to officially disagree with the procedure? Do I have to file with the court because he's saying he doesn't want the procedure to happen? Or can I proceed with the surgery? I don't want to violate our order.

Okay, you have joint legal? Then really, if you and Dad can't agree you need to take this before the court and let the court decide.

Have you sought a second opinion regarding the surgery? Is there a non-invasive option that Dad might be more partial to? What exactly does HE want?

 

[funnybabyboy200]

No I haven't sought a second opinion. I plan to call & schedule an appointment with another ENT tomorrow.

The ENT said that the sleep apnea is really a serious issue, and I know that there are machines for adults to use, however, I don't know that the machine is an option for 3 year olds. I will ask these questions when I see the second ENT.

What does Dad want? I am unsure.

When I spoke to him over the phone after scheduling the surgery, he said that he didn't like the idea of him getting surgery because he had his own tonsils removed as an adult & his nose is "still stuffed up".


I sent him the email in regards to the costs, strictly to give him a heads up as far as how costly this is going to be for both of us, and this is the response I received:

"Thats y u should wait wht u try n to keep me in the poor house. I dnt agree with him have that done my word means something to. Like i said im against it. now leave me alone. u dnt care abt wht i say on impt (important) matter for our son then u pay"

I haven't said anything to him since because he said to leave him alone.

So I am not sure what he wants.

 

[Zigner]

In my opinion, the father DID agree with allowing the mother to go ahead with the surgery. The only bone of contention will be payment.

 

[Ladyback1]

The ENT said that the sleep apnea is really a serious issue, and I know that there are machines for adults to use, however, I don't know that the machine is an option for 3 year olds. I will ask these questions when I see the second ENT.

.

Yes, sleep apnea is serious. And the problem w/ kids that young and the CPAP machines are that kids are usually all over the place in their sleep.

Youngest son had everything you've described with your son. We didn't have him in speech therapy, but he was a "slow" talker.
Since his tonsils have been out, he no longer snores (sleep apnea).

Get a second opinion. If a second ENT recommends the procedure then your ex really has nothing to argue...it would then be medically necessary procedure.

Get the kiddo's health taken care of, and worry about paying afterward--if you have to take the ex to court!

 

[funnybabyboy200]

Ok, thanks for the responses. I scheduled an appointment with another ENT this morning, with Dad on the phone. I wanted Dad to be on the phone too so that he can agree to the time for the appointment and there isn't any excuse for him to say he can't make it. However, Dad must have set the phone down halfway through scheduling the appointment (his input was that it had to be after May 18th & not too early in the morning), so I called him back after I got off the phone with the Dr. & confirmed that he was ok with the appointment. Jeez!

When I called him, back he told me that I'm a "bugaboo", that I don't care about anything he says so I should just pay for it myself, that our son is too young to have the procedure, that I'm not a Dr. & I can't decide or diagnose what's wrong with him, that I'm an "f'ing *******", and he has to deal with me for 15 more years so if I don't want him in his son's life he'll sign the papers. He also said that I need to cancel the surgery.



I only ever talk to him about our son. Granted, our son has had a lot of problems lately, he's transitioning from Early Intervention to the Intermediate Unit for his developmental therapy, & there have been many appointments & evaluations to attend, none of which have been attended by his father although I have religiously provided him with all dates, times & locations, in addition to providing copies of all paperwork.

I am considering getting my lawyer involved again, there hasn't been any activity with her for the past 1.5 months, but I know I still have a small credit on my account. I will just have to wait & see what the second ENT says.

 

[Zigner]

Yes, it may be worth trying to get a court to order that you have the final decision-making authority related to medical matters.

 

[angelpie545]

It sounds like the treatment is medically necessary. As a previous poster mentioned, sleep apnea can be serious in kids and definitely warrants treatment. Still, I'd go ahead and get the second opinion for dad's sake; and despite his attitude, continue to inform him of the doctor's recommendations. If I were you, I'd probably even mail him the recommendations so he has a paper copy. Since you have join legal custody, does your order specifically stipulate the procedure for making medical decisions? Even though the factors are pretty strong that the surgery is medically necessary, I'd cover all my bases and consult with your attorney before making any final decisions.

 

[funnybabyboy200]

My attorney called me this morning & told me that without his consent, I can't proceed with the surgery. She said that if the second ENT agrees with the first, that she needs a copy of each recommendation in writing, and they will send him a letter telling him that if he doesn't agree within "X" days to the surgery, we will petition the court to allow the surgery, & request that he pay all filing & attorney fees.

Hopefully it doesn't come to that, & I am hoping that Dad and I can have a productive conversation between now and then. He is going to have to get that whether he likes it or not, he has a financial responsibility to his son, and we can do it the easy way, or the hard way.

 

[not2cleverRed]

When I called him, back he told me that I'm a "bugaboo", that I don't care about anything he says so I should just pay for it myself, that our son is too young to have the procedure, that I'm not a Dr. & I can't decide or diagnose what's wrong with him, that I'm an "f'ing *******", and he has to deal with me for 15 more years so if I don't want him in his son's life he'll sign the papers. He also said that I need to cancel the surgery.

Would it be safe to assume that he isn't a dr either?

Just sayin'...

 

[Ladyback1]

that our son is too young to have the procedure, that I'm not a Dr. & I can't decide or diagnose what's wrong with him, that I'm an "f'ing *******", and he has to deal with me for 15 more years so if I don't want him in his son's life he'll sign the papers. He also said that I need to cancel the surgery.
.

Oh good God! Kids of this age heal better at this "young age"--have less complications, etc.

You're ex sounds like a turd!

Ahhhh....the old "I'll just sign over my rights and responsibilities if YOU want..." so the decision is all on you, thus taking responsibility out of his hands.

Grrrr....

Get the 2nd opinion. Get both Drs. opinions so you can present them to the father. If he still is adamant, then take him to court. One of two things will probably happen: Judge will order him to sign off and pay his half of the procedure, or the judge will force your Ex to present two opinions from MDs of caliber as previously seen the child--that state the procedure isn't necessary.

 

[funnybabyboy200]

I have done quite a bit of reading about sleep apnea, and the more I read, the more I think that this procedure will benefit our son. I am so hopeful that Dad & I can agree before we end up back in court. However, I am willing to go to court to make this happen. There are so many indicators that he will benefit physically, emotionally, & behaviorally. You would have to know my son to understand, but this kid needs a break.

Thank you all for your time & responses, you are appreciated.