just an opinion, please

[SandieTN]

What is the name of your state? Tennessee

Just looking for opinions; so many of you have already gone through so much.

Background: Hubby is Father of 6yo daughter; ex- left him when pregnant with the child, and moved in with her ex-. She has had a string of men come and go over the years, and lived with at least three of them.

Currently, she has lost her house due to foreclosure/bankruptcy. She has not worked in two years; her only income is child support and public assistance. She has moved in with her Mother and step-Father, their two grown sons and one of their wives or girlfriends. Now BM and her other son (and their daughter, when she is there) are also living there, supposedly in the sunroom of their 3br house (according to daughter).

H currently has temporary custody of daughter, due to three fires at the Mother's house in one week, while she was in the process of moving out. At the hearing on temp on Monday, Mom was served with petition for change in custody. Judge wanted to hear no testimony or see any evidence; he did make it perfectly clear he wanted this resolved as soon as possible. H has records back to 2001 that he has had the daughter more than half the time (roughly 60+%); he has school records backing up this fact. He has always paid child support, and provided other needs for daughter. We have been married almost 5 years, and 15yo daughter from a previous marriage lives with us.

BM has 30 days to respond to his petition, and now we are waiting and wondering what will happen. Court date has been scheduled for June 4, unless she answers petition quickly, and we can get a date on the docket sooner than 30 days. (Our attorney is getting married, and will be out of town during May.)BM is playing on the fact that she doesn't want her children separated, but H's other daughter (who lives with us by her choice) is also a half-sibling. I've told H to calm down, the time delay plays in our favor; it just proves that we can keep daughter in a stable situation.

Realistically, what are his chances? Any ideas? Just ask if you want more information.

 

[tigger22472]

Ok.. Let me see if I understand. Your husband has been granted temporary custody waiting for a hearing in June to make things final one way or another? Now.. if that's it, here's my take.

You're right the longer it takes to go to court IS an advantage for you! In fact, in my opinion September would be an even better time for a hearing Judges don't always look at things like there being another sibling. They look at the best intrests of the child and weigh them all against each other. By the sounds of it you can provide a more stable home for the child and the judge has seen that. Tell your husband to take a chill pill (oh geez.. my age is showing) and sit back and enjoy life. Of course document things but heck he already has one foot in!!

 

[nextwife]

Interesting logic on Mom's part.

Child SHOULD be seperated from her sibling (Dad's other child) because it is not right to seperate her from her sibling (Mom's other child)?

 

[SandieTN]

thanks, guys

Thanks, tigger, your logic always shows! We have daily documentation for this school year (since August, 2003), and we have had her 60%, with Mom's knowledge and blessing. We have had calls to pick SD up because Mom has a headache, or diarrhea, or her car wouldn't start. Now she is saying, but I was being nice and letting you keep her. So, by the end of May, we will have had a continuous ten months with detailed documentation, as well as 3 years of overnight documentation (still showing 60+%). I have worked it up on a graph; our attorney is using it for evidence. (It is pink for Mom, blue for Dad; and the blue is overwhelming.)

And yes, nextwife, the Mom's logic is lacking. She thinks because her two are closer in age (6 and 8) they should be together. But being female and male, similarities end. And her son wants to be with his father, so he is not very happy being with Mom anyway.

But, it is still rough. We have tried to shelter daughter from everything we can, and she has adapted very well. But, she still misses her Mom. I tell her I understand that, and believe it is true; but we just have to do what we think is best for her.

Thanks for the encouragement!

 

[stealth2]

Re: thanks, guys

But, it is still rough. We have tried to shelter daughter from everything we can, and she has adapted very well. But, she still misses her Mom. I tell her I understand that, and believe it is true; but we just have to do what we think is best for her.

Thanks for the encouragement!

I would be VERY careful how you phrase that to the daughter, and in fact I would personally avoid being the one to discuss it with her at all. The last thing you or Dad want is to have it twisted into SM trying to come between the child & Mom.

 

[SandieTN]

absolutely

I am VERY careful of what I say to SD. We have always told her the same thing. We have not kept her from her Mom, nor will not try to keep her from her Mom. But, if Mom calls us to come and get SD, we go; and if Mom is not able to take care of SD, then it is our responsibility to do so.

SD was not quite 2 years old when we married, so she has always accepted me as a big part of her life. I talked to both of H's ex-s before we married, and made it perfectly clear I would always try to do what was best for the children; but I would never try be their Mother, or come between the Mother and her children. And I have kept that promise.

So, I do try to stay in the background as much as I can, and let the kids come to me when they want to.

 

[SandieTN]

another twist

We have talked with the BF of the BM's other child; he has considered filing for custody of his son, but is scared because he has not paid his child support. We are sure BM has threatened him with jail if he files for custody. We know for sure BM is keeping the other child almost all the time now, and BF is not seeing him nearly as often as he did before. (BTW, other child is 8, and wants to be with his Dad all the time.) BF's Mother (I know this is confusing, lol) has offered to testify in our behalf, but understands her son's position if he goes for custody.

Now, BM's Father and Step-Mother have said if BF does not file for custody, they are calling DCS and going after that child themselves. They are totally convinced that BM does not need these children to raise, at least not at the present time. They are also willing to testify in our behalf.

Opinion, please: our position is we can only take care of daughter. Should we encourge BF or grandparents to make a move in behalf of the other child, or will that just add to the upheaval? Hubby has told them all, if he had a legal right to the other child, he would take him, too; but he can't. BF (I think) wants to wait and see how we come out; but we feel if he makes a move, now is the time.

Just your thoughts.

 

[snostar]

QUOTE]Originally posted by SandieTN
Opinion, please: our position is we can only take care of daughter. Should we encourge BF or grandparents to make a move in behalf of the other child, or will that just add to the upheaval? Hubby has told them all, if he had a legal right to the other child, he would take him, too; but he can't. BF (I think) wants to wait and see how we come out; but we feel if he makes a move, now is the time.

Just your thoughts. [/QUOTE]

IMO, I would stay out of the other situation, it is not going to help you by interferreng. The court can look at it as if your DH deliberate is trying to hurt the BM. You and him seem to have your plate full as it is.

 

[SandieTN]

You're right!

I don't talk to them, anyway, but they all call H fairly regularly. We do talk to daughter's grandparents, because BM does not talk to them, and they care about their grand-daughter. And she loves them, but Mom doesn't let her see them. So, it is a sad situation.

 

[stealth2]

I agree that the other BF and his parents need to make their own decision. That's a situation you're not going to come out ahead on regardless of the outcome.

 

[SandieTN]

I agree

I fully agree, and H has told them they have make their own decision. I just wonder, if they file now, it would hurt or help our situation.

 

[tigger22472]

I agree with the others that you should keep you distance with the other situation but that doesn't mean you can't cross your fingers!! If the other BF files then that means mom is going through 2 custody battles at the same time. IMO she's already lost her daughter so she'd try to concentrate on keeping her son from being at his dad's more then try to get custody of her daughter who she's all but lost custody of already.

 

[SandieTN]

Thanks, tigger, your logic comes through again. And your words are very encouraging, just what Hubby needs right now.

We sat down with daughter this weekend, and explained that she would be with us the most of the time until school is out. I had made her a calendar showing the nights she will be with Mom in color, so she knows what to expect. She seems fine with it, at least for now. Now, she is just upset that her brother spends more time with Mom than she does; when he wasn't with Mom either, it didn't bother her nearly as bad. But Mom is now keeping brother away from his Dad as much as she can; but that is their battle.

Thanks to all; your opinions and advice are greatly appreciated!

 

[SandieTN]

and now, today's twist

BM has court ordered visitation on Wednesday's, starting last week. Today, about 1:30 p.m. she called H and asked him to pick up daughter from school, as her car won't start. She only sees her daughter 10 days a month, and has only seen her once since last court date (3/15), now this.

How's that for unstable? And she keeps asking H "why are you doing this to me?". Go figure; sorry, my sarcasm is showing!

 

[tigger22472]

Sandi.. here is my advice to you...

In an evil voice say the following word over and over....

DOCUMENTION