Just need some quick feedback

[imxoz]

What is the name of your state? Oklahoma
My ex ( I am custodial parent) lives about 15-20 minutes away from us. He tells the kids that since I am custodial parent - I have to provide transportation to school events when they fall on his weekend??? I have had never heard this before and it is not in our order. When ever my kids want to do anything else on his weekend, I tell them to talk to him and work it out. His time with them is important, and he has a right to have those decisions, not me. But ,my daughter (for instance) had a basketball game (she is in the band) a required performance and they said I becasue I am custodial parent had to provide transportation. Her step sister ended up doing it becasue she felt sorry for her. I felt I was being bullied. This is coming from the kids overhearing him talking - how sad I hate that, if he has an issue he should talk to me. Never did I think (since he is a parent) that he wouldn't take her to her required school stuff, and yet if I give in I feel I am giving up a boundary and he is continuing to control me. HELP!

 

[MrsK]

What is the name of your state? Oklahoma
My ex ( I am custodial parent) lives about 15-20 minutes away from us. He tells the kids that since I am custodial parent - I have to provide transportation to school events when they fall on his weekend??? I have had never heard this before and it is not in our order. When ever my kids want to do anything else on his weekend, I tell them to talk to him and work it out. His time with them is important, and he has a right to have those decisions, not me. But ,my daughter (for instance) had a basketball game (she is in the band) a required performance and they said I becasue I am custodial parent had to provide transportation. Her step sister ended up doing it becasue she felt sorry for her. I felt I was being bullied. This is coming from the kids overhearing him talking - how sad I hate that, if he has an issue he should talk to me. Never did I think (since he is a parent) that he wouldn't take her to her required school stuff, and yet if I give in I feel I am giving up a boundary and he is continuing to control me. HELP!

Does your court order state that you have to provide transportation?

 

[trustknow1]

Ask him what duties he believes are always the responsibility of the "custodial parent", even when kids are visiting the "non-custodial parent". If all transportation for them when visiting him...then how about cooking? You will need to plan 3 more round trips/per day to cook them meals too. Oh, and what if they get hurt at Dad's house? Is he going to move his car if it is blocking his driveway when you race over to pick them up to take them to the hospital? Or do you have to move it for him, since it is technically "transportation related"?

Does his version also include transporting HIM to go with his child to the event? Ask him for a "rate chart" that itemizes his charges for:

+taking them to an event himself
+staying at the event
+pretending he was interested in child's life the entire trip
+driving them home again
+additional charges for bad weather, holiday hours, driver waiting, etc.

 

[LdiJ]

What is the name of your state? Oklahoma
My ex ( I am custodial parent) lives about 15-20 minutes away from us. He tells the kids that since I am custodial parent - I have to provide transportation to school events when they fall on his weekend??? I have had never heard this before and it is not in our order. When ever my kids want to do anything else on his weekend, I tell them to talk to him and work it out. His time with them is important, and he has a right to have those decisions, not me. But ,my daughter (for instance) had a basketball game (she is in the band) a required performance and they said I becasue I am custodial parent had to provide transportation. Her step sister ended up doing it becasue she felt sorry for her. I felt I was being bullied. This is coming from the kids overhearing him talking - how sad I hate that, if he has an issue he should talk to me. Never did I think (since he is a parent) that he wouldn't take her to her required school stuff, and yet if I give in I feel I am giving up a boundary and he is continuing to control me. HELP!

Although dad is being ridiculous, and a jerk, in a way he is actually correct.
He doesn't have to allow them to participate in any activities during his time....he doesn't have to allow anything at all to interfere with his time.

Therefore, he doesn't have to provide transportation, because he doesn't have to allow them to participate in the activities at all....sigh. Sometimes you can get a judge to make orders that the ncp must allow the children to participate in activities and must cooperate with providing transportation, but its completely up to the judge.

 

[imxoz]

just need a quick response

Oklahoma
Nope, the court order doesn't state anything about transportation during his visitation. The deal is I get deal with the after blow when the kids come home. He talks so much crap about me to them. I just refuse to lower myself too that. That is only healthy for them. But I think my middle one (the one in question ) is like too afraid to ask him and I am easier. I am easier becaue I don't want her to be punished but it turns out that way. But I have to set boundaries with him. He has asked me (rarely does this happen) that he has to work and could I come and get her. It was for a volleyball deal a few years back. I said sure. Well I get there and he is sitting on his a** (Im not saying he wans't going to work soon, but his "wife" has just returned from the bank in town. Now how immature, I mean she could have not planned it, I didn't say that, but could have called and said I'm coming into town anyway, could I just drop her of or could you meet us. But oh no, that never happened. I have been way too nice in the past and am working very very hard on setting boundaries for HIM. So any suggestions on how to do that without hurting kids, crap, I don't know. Like I siad its not like he's discussing this with me. He's also upset that the girls have a double bed (not much room in their room and they don't want to get rid of anything and so they have choosen to sleep sidewise. Which means by morning theor feet are hanging off a bit. Once again, they say they see the TV better and dont want to change it. He did email me about that and tell me I could do better than that for them. GARSH. I am going through cancer treatment for the second time, he even told them this weekend that I am manipulating them and pretending to be sick when I am not. GRRRRRR. Thanks for all support and fedback, keep them coming.

 

[imxoz]

Oklahoma
So are you saying that including school stuff. I mean if she doesn't show up she gets 4 F's. I mean that is why I have done it in the past. I just figured that he knew about these in advance and he is a parent. I want to be legal, it just doesn't seem fair. This baskeball deal will all season. So I need to have her let him know it is coming up (to get the approval to go - I guess you are saying) and then go and take her and take her back. Great weekend for me and he doesn't even have to be a parent.

 

[stealth2]

Presumably you and she knew of the time commitment of band and how it would occur on his time when she signed up for it, right? Did anyone consult with him and get him to sign on to that BEFORE she signed up for it? Or was it just assumed he'd be okay with whatever she decided?

 

[imxoz]

oklahoma
No, not really. When she signed up for band, I was aware they marched at football games, which are on Thursday evening, no problems. Had no idea about basketball games. The band split up on two groups white and blue groups and was told a week and a half ago (got a newletter during Thursday break) tellling this this. Never knew (she is a shopmore) that heir were games on Saturday. I immedidiately sent him a copy and it never crossed my mind that school things were an issue. She even told him and he didn't say anything.

 

[BelizeBreeze]

He is not bound by plans You make for her, regardless of whether or not it is 'required' attendence.

That's plain and simple.

 

[stealth2]

Not to sound unsympathetic, but I guess she's going to be learning a valuable lesson in how important it is to do some research before making plans that could impact others.

(edit) What I'd likely do in your shoes is suck it up and do the transport this year. If she decides that she wants to join marching band next year, she's going to have to sort it out with Dad for his weekends.

 

[imxoz]

Oklahoma

I appreciate the input. I just thinks it sucks. It makes me sad that his anger towards me and to punish me will effect her. I think she has the right to purseue whatever education path she wants too. The children are the ones to suffer. She did talk to him and he never never mentioned having a problem with it. I have always encouraged her to talk to him. It is not like this happens very often. This is not about wanting to spend time with her, or the 15 minute drive could be a bit bonding, this is about how to control me.

 

[acmb05]

I'm sure he did not have a problem with it

Oklahoma

I appreciate the input. I just thinks it sucks. It makes me sad that his anger towards me and to punish me will effect her. I think she has the right to purseue whatever education path she wants too. The children are the ones to suffer. She did talk to him and he never never mentioned having a problem with it. I have always encouraged her to talk to him. It is not like this happens very often. This is not about wanting to spend time with her, or the 15 minute drive could be a bit bonding, this is about how to control me.

When he was told the same thing you were. That band would be on Thursday nites. He did not have the child on Thursday nites so why would he care if she wanted to do it.

Isnt the marching band an extra corricular activity, When I was in school marching band was not a class. Band may be an elective but to be on the marching band is voluntary?

 

[imxoz]

Oklahoma
Our daughter told him their were two teams of band. The white team and blue team. One team plays on Thursday nights and the other on Saturday games. Apparently next year it switchs and the whites get Thursday games. She is on the white. They likewise have all day (only a couple) competitions that fall on Saturdays. There has been no problem with this. She just paniced when she couldn't reach me and was too afraid to ask him. That is how this drama started.

Marching band also performs at Basketball games and it is a required attendence. (4 F's for non-attendence.). It is not an extracruicular activityl

 

[Whyte Noise]

My 13 year old is in band as well and is in middle school.

In high school, the only band there is, is marching. Now, the HS she would go to also has a string band, but playing clarinet doesn't exactly get you on the string band. She has her Christmas concert tomorrow night and it is a required attendance as well. If she's not there it's a big fat F. They've played at 3 of the middle school's football games and those were required attendance as well. One of them she was in a leg splint because of a bad ankle sprain and couldn't actually march, but she was in attendance and played from the stands. She didn't get an F. She's also had to play at pep rallies.

Band isn't an extra curricular activity, it's an elective. My daughter has to take 5 academic and 2 elective classes per semester. One of those is band, and she receives a grade for that, has homework, must turn in practice cards each week, etc. and it goes into her permanant record.

Most band activities in middle school happen on Thursdays (as far as the football team schedules go). Once in high school though, the games are held on Friday/Saturday nights and there is going to have to be communication between mom and dad about that. If mom was under the impression that band activities were to be held on Thursday (not on dad's time) and then the band director also schedules other things throughout the year that fall on a weekend, mom can't be at fault for that. It happens.

Take your daughter to her band activities.

 

[casa]

Oklahoma
Our daughter told him their were two teams of band. The white team and blue team. One team plays on Thursday nights and the other on Saturday games. Apparently next year it switchs and the whites get Thursday games. She is on the white. They likewise have all day (only a couple) competitions that fall on Saturdays. There has been no problem with this. She just paniced when she couldn't reach me and was too afraid to ask him. That is how this drama started.

Marching band also performs at Basketball games and it is a required attendence. (4 F's for non-attendence.). It is not an extracruicular activityl

Has daughter taken the intiative and told the band teacher of the situation- and perhaps asked to switch to the team that plays on Thursdays? You'd be surprised how accomidating teachers can be in situation like this- they run into them all the time.