Just wondering what to expect

[Feeny511]

What is the name of your state? Massachusetts
Wednesday night my sons father called me. He has not seen him in 2 1/2 years. My son is going to be 4 in May. I knew this day would come but I am still a little freaked out. There is no current order.
He asked me if he could see his son. I told him that he would have to go through the courts. He was not happy about that but I told him that that would be the best way to do it. I told him I would consider meeting him somewhere in the mean time just so he could see what he looks like and to meet eachother.
Because it has been so long I am going to ask for supervised visits either me supervising or someone else, so they can get to know eachother.
So I am just wondering if that will be really hard to get or what else I should expect.
I know you cant tell me what the judge will order but I am just looking for some info.
Thank You for any replies!!!!

 

[BL]

What is the name of your state? Massachusetts
Wednesday night my sons father called me. He has not seen him in 2 1/2 years. My son is going to be 4 in May. I knew this day would come but I am still a little freaked out. There is no current order.
He asked me if he could see his son. I told him that he would have to go through the courts. He was not happy about that but I told him that that would be the best way to do it. I told him I would consider meeting him somewhere in the mean time just so he could see what he looks like and to meet eachother.
Because it has been so long I am going to ask for supervised visits either me supervising or someone else, so they can get to know eachother.
So I am just wondering if that will be really hard to get or what else I should expect.
I know you cant tell me what the judge will order but I am just looking for some info.
Thank You for any replies!!!!

When you go to court request a " Gradual " visitation order . meaning for the first 2 or 3 months , he gets to visit on every other Sat . from an AM time to a PM time PM , then working the way up to every other weekend .

Make sure Paternity has been established that He is in Fact the Legal Father of the child .

In the meantime , yes meet in a public place for them to see each other .

 

[nicetryadmin]

What is the name of your state? Massachusetts
Wednesday night my sons father called me. He has not seen him in 2 1/2 years. My son is going to be 4 in May. I knew this day would come but I am still a little freaked out. There is no current order.
He asked me if he could see his son. I told him that he would have to go through the courts. He was not happy about that but I told him that that would be the best way to do it. I told him I would consider meeting him somewhere in the mean time just so he could see what he looks like and to meet eachother.
Because it has been so long I am going to ask for supervised visits either me supervising or someone else, so they can get to know eachother.
So I am just wondering if that will be really hard to get or what else I should expect.
I know you cant tell me what the judge will order but I am just looking for some info.
Thank You for any replies!!!!

Suggesting him "go through the court" to see him, although fine to make it legal, is not looked upon very fondly IF that is the only way you will allow the dad to see HIS child. You have a duty to facilitate. So if he asks to see the child, it would be in yours and the child's best interest to allow him to see his child.

You can certainly ask for supervised visits, but there is no guarantee you will get it. Also, what makes you think YOU should supervise? What he does on his time with the child is none of your business. It would be best to have a neutral party as you could interfere by telling dad what to do/not to do. Also, a court will not just throw a child into full-fledged
visitation. There is something called a phasing-in period where he will get some time at first and it will gradually increase as time goes on.

 

[Feeny511]

He chose not to be involved with HIS child for a long time. We have had a very rocky past.
I told him to go through the court because of our past also because I dont want him to just pop in just because he curious to see what his son looks like andto find out what he has been up too. I want him to take this seriously. I dont know what his intentions are, all I can do is pray to god they are to do the right thing.
I am willing to past behind me and have a fresh start if he is serious about being a father. I will work with him that is why I would like supervise the visits. I dont have a nuetral party to do this. He has threatened and hurt alot of people in my family and friends. And no one he knows has seen my son in the 2 1/2 years that he hasnt. I think that I would be able to get my son comfortable with him and let them get to know eachother better than someone else would.

Thank you for the quick replies!!!

 

[nicetryadmin]

He chose not to be involved with HIS child for a long time.

And he's now choosing differently.

We have had a very rocky past.

Irrelevant. This doesn't involve you.

I told him to go through the court because of our past also because I dont want him to just pop in just because he curious to see what his son looks like andto find out what he has been up too.

Irrelevant. If he's been declared the legal father, he most certainly can "find out and see what he's been up to." It doesn't matter if you don't like it -- it's not about you.

I want him to take this seriously.

That's not up for you to decide.

I dont know what his intentions are, all I can do is pray to god they are to do the right thing.
I am willing to past behind me and have a fresh start if he is serious about being a father.

Again, not up for you to decide and this does not involve you. It's about the child. It doesn't matter if he wants to spit in your face when he sees you.

I will work with him that is why I would like supervise the visits.

You have no right to "work with him." You have no legal authority to restrict or control his parental rights. PERIOD! I would venture to guess that you want supervised visitation to control things and "keep an eye on him." What goes for him would go for you.

He has threatened and hurt alot of people in my family and friends.

Irrelevant. I've vowed to make my ex's life a living hell if she keeps acting like a retard.

And no one he knows has seen my son in the 2 1/2 years that he hasnt.

Irrevelant.

I think that I would be able to get my son comfortable with him and let them get to know eachother better than someone else would.

That is why a court will most likely order a phasing-in/gradual visitation at first. Remember, you have a duty to facilitate, so you must make the child physically and emotional ready for visitation. If you don't see any improvement, then you should probably consider some sort of counseling in time. Also, you probably shouldn't count on supervised visitation. Keep in mind, hundreds of new parents are born every day. None of them get supervised visitation.

 

[LdiJ]

He chose not to be involved with HIS child for a long time. We have had a very rocky past.
I told him to go through the court because of our past also because I dont want him to just pop in just because he curious to see what his son looks like andto find out what he has been up too. I want him to take this seriously. I dont know what his intentions are, all I can do is pray to god they are to do the right thing.
I am willing to past behind me and have a fresh start if he is serious about being a father. I will work with him that is why I would like supervise the visits. I dont have a nuetral party to do this. He has threatened and hurt alot of people in my family and friends. And no one he knows has seen my son in the 2 1/2 years that he hasnt. I think that I would be able to get my son comfortable with him and let them get to know eachother better than someone else would.

Thank you for the quick replies!!!

The courts don't frown on you for making him take it to court. Its only some of the posters on this board who frown on that. Particularly in a situation where he has made no effort to see the child for 2 1/2 years and never had a visitation order in the first place.

You are making the right decision. If he takes it to court that will demonstrate that he is sincere....and that hopefully once there are orders he will be consistant and won't just fade out of the child's life again.

 

[nicetryadmin]

The courts don't frown on you for making him take it to court. Its only some of the posters on this board who frown on that.

Oh bull**** Laura. Learn to read, will ya. That is not what I freaking said. Courts frown upon CP's who refuse to let the other parent see their child "unless you take them to court." And I can give a rat's ass who you've talked to, what you've seen, read or thought about.

And when it comes to "some posters", you have no right to toss rocks from your grassy knoll.

I do agree, If he is serious, he will take it to court to make it all official. But then again, just because there's an order for visitation, does not mean he has to exercise his parenting time.

 

[MrsK]

Oh bull**** Laura. Learn to read, will ya. That is not what I freaking said. Courts frown upon CP's who refuse to let the other parent see their child "unless you take them to court." And I can give a rat's ass who you've talked to, what you've seen, read or thought about.

And when it comes to "some posters", you have no right to toss rocks from your grassy knoll.

I do agree, If he is serious, he will take it to court to make it all official. But then again, just because there's an order for visitation, does not mean he has to exercise his parenting time.

I have to agree with this....my husband was given immediate unsupervised, overnight visitation with a child he had not seen in nearly a year because for a year, the mom wouldnt let him see the child at all (for the year) and would not accept c/s and when she took him for c/s through SES (even though he offered to pay her & get things legal- 100% free to her) & refused him anything but visitation @ HER house on HER time with HER supervising, he took her to court & the hearing officer & judge were none too happy with her for doing that (refusing him any visitation and then giving him VERY VERY little time with the child & making it a PIA while he wad there) and gave my husband immediate visitation, without the mother or ANYONE's supervision. The judge basically told the mom to get over it.

I've also seen in it other cases where mom keeps the kid from dad completely, and we dont know that this isnt the case here, its just ONE side of the story- HERS.

And he is just as likely to get an order granting him joint legal custody and visitation and then turn right around after a couple of months and not see the child as he is to stick around, its kind of a crapshoot. Then, when he pops up in a year or more, she will still have to let him see the child when he wants b/c he has an order.

OP- you are guaranteed NOTHING when it comes to court. He could get supervised visitation, but the judge could dislike you and give him immediate unsupervised visitation. If it is supervised, he could order it to be @ one of those facilities (not sure if you have those in your area, a lot of cities/towns do) or with another person, or perhaps you. He could even be in the child's life and one day file for custody and become the dom. parent. Like I said, you NEVER know what could happen.

 

[Ithildriel]

"I have to agree with this....my husband was given immediate unsupervised, overnight visitation with a child he had not seen in nearly a year because for a year, the mom wouldnt let him see the child at all (for the year) and would not accept c/s and when she took him for c/s through SES (even though he offered to pay her & get things legal- 100% free to her) & refused him anything but visitation @ HER house on HER time with HER supervising, he took her to court & the hearing officer & judge were none too happy with her for doing that (refusing him any visitation and then giving him VERY VERY little time with the child & making it a PIA while he wad there) and gave my husband immediate visitation, without the mother or ANYONE's supervision. The judge basically told the mom to get over it."

Sure, every case is different. How old was your husbands child when he got this verdict? And also, it was her that wouldn't let him see the child.

In this case, OP states, father was out of childs life of his own accord, and child is now 4 having not seen dad since 2 1/2. Do you really think judge is going to make a 4 year old spend the night with a virtual stranger?

 

[enidora]

when I spoke to my lawyer She said the courts DO NOT frown on not letting the other parent see the child if there is no order. Orders are put in place for protection of the child. Untill there is an order she in no way is expected to give him any sort of visitation. All she told me was to offer him the chance to see the children at my residence or some where public. The courts look harder on a fath who has not come forward for visitation in that long period of time. Also with him being out of the picture so long she is only looking out for the best intrest of the child. That is plain and clear. Judges are not stupid.

 

[bononos]

How's about you do what you think is best for your kiddo.
If you think meeting him in a public place is a good start, then go for it.
Sounds like your headed in the right direction and a gradual plan is in his best interest also.
Hopefully, Dad is serious and will continue in his efforts to have a relationship with his son.
Suggest Dad file for visitation and maybe, through mediation, he will agree to the plan you propose.
Let him know you support his decision to be a part of his life.
Is the supervision part necessary?
Start with the few hour visits and let them bond alone if it's not.

 

[MrsK]

"I have to agree with this....my husband was given immediate unsupervised, overnight visitation with a child he had not seen in nearly a year because for a year, the mom wouldnt let him see the child at all (for the year) and would not accept c/s and when she took him for c/s through SES (even though he offered to pay her & get things legal- 100% free to her) & refused him anything but visitation @ HER house on HER time with HER supervising, he took her to court & the hearing officer & judge were none too happy with her for doing that (refusing him any visitation and then giving him VERY VERY little time with the child & making it a PIA while he wad there) and gave my husband immediate visitation, without the mother or ANYONE's supervision. The judge basically told the mom to get over it."

Sure, every case is different. How old was your husbands child when he got this verdict? And also, it was her that wouldn't let him see the child.

In this case, OP states, father was out of childs life of his own accord, and child is now 4 having not seen dad since 2 1/2. Do you really think judge is going to make a 4 year old spend the night with a virtual stranger?

My husband's kid was 1.5.

And yes, I think its entirely possible for it to happen....stranger things, you know.

 

[LdiJ]

I have to agree with this....my husband was given immediate unsupervised, overnight visitation with a child he had not seen in nearly a year because for a year, the mom wouldnt let him see the child at all (for the year) and would not accept c/s and when she took him for c/s through SES (even though he offered to pay her & get things legal- 100% free to her) & refused him anything but visitation @ HER house on HER time with HER supervising, he took her to court & the hearing officer & judge were none too happy with her for doing that (refusing him any visitation and then giving him VERY VERY little time with the child & making it a PIA while he wad there) and gave my husband immediate visitation, without the mother or ANYONE's supervision. The judge basically told the mom to get over it.

I've also seen in it other cases where mom keeps the kid from dad completely, and we dont know that this isnt the case here, its just ONE side of the story- HERS.

And he is just as likely to get an order granting him joint legal custody and visitation and then turn right around after a couple of months and not see the child as he is to stick around, its kind of a crapshoot. Then, when he pops up in a year or more, she will still have to let him see the child when he wants b/c he has an order.

OP- you are guaranteed NOTHING when it comes to court. He could get supervised visitation, but the judge could dislike you and give him immediate unsupervised visitation. If it is supervised, he could order it to be @ one of those facilities (not sure if you have those in your area, a lot of cities/towns do) or with another person, or perhaps you. He could even be in the child's life and one day file for custody and become the dom. parent. Like I said, you NEVER know what could happen.

While I appreciate your example, its not really the same as the OP's case. In your case mom refused visitation. In this case dad has chosen not to even attempt to visit the child for 2 1/2 years. Its apples and oranges.

I don't know how old your husband's child was at the time, but depending on children's ages 1 year can be enormously different than 2 1/2 as well.

 

[MrsK]

While I appreciate your example, its not really the same as the OP's case. In your case mom refused visitation. In this case dad has chosen not to even attempt to visit the child for 2 1/2 years. Its apples and oranges.

I don't know how old your husband's child was at the time, but depending on children's ages 1 year can be enormously different than 2 1/2 as well.

Well, for all we know, she may have made the situation to where he couldnt deal with her OR she refused visitation & he couldnt afford an atty. I mean we have seen that situation here before.

But I do see what you are saying.

The girl was 1.5, and he was given immediate overnights, and since he hadnt seen her in 1 yr, he was a virtual stranger to her, she didnt know who he was (and the mom had the girl calling her new BF "daddy" @@ Her plan was to get the BF to adopt the girl, but when she got knocked up with new BF's kid, he ran for the hills) ....young kids are pretty resilient IMO, I think with maybe short periods of UNsupervised visitation (perhaps like 5 hrs, twice a wk) dad could go to overnights within 6 wks & child would possibly be used to him by then.

I think we do all agree that if dad wants to be in child's life, it is best to go ahead & get him involved with the child (and I think WITHOUT mom present, since they have "a rocky past"- like I said I think UNsupervised would be fine BUT if its ordered to be supervised, by someone other than mom) and get him into a routine with dad (including overnights) ASAP.

I still think its POSSIBLE dad could get immediate unsupervised visits...he hasnt been proven unfit, he's trying to make an effort. I mean it may be more likely that he gets a short bit of supervised visitation, but I think its totally possible for him to get a good lawyer & get what he wants.

 

[Feeny511]

Father called again.

Thank you everyone for all the replies. I just want what is best for my son.
His father called again today, I told him that before I meet him with our son we should meet and talk things over about court and just so that I can get an idea of who he is and what he is about. He said that he is willing to go at whatever pace I want. He said his son is his top priority now. (I dont know why it wasnt before.) He thanked me for all that I have done. He sounds so convinceing its scary.
Until we go to court I think that I will meet him out with our son a couple times so that they can get to know one another. Because I dont want to go into court and have him get unsupervised to start off with. So as long as he is willing to go at my pace that is what I will do. I taught my son not to talk to strangers, I cant imagine how confused he would be if I was court ordered to let him go with alone with him from the start.
I dont know if anyone cares about what I just wrote, but I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who replied.
Wish me luck!