Legal/Physical Custody if not married...

[Auz268]

State: Connecticut

My girlfriend (soon to be fiance) has a 2.5 year old child. She was never married to the father. She (and I) want to know what legal action she can take to gain full legal/physical custody of her daughter, remove the father from both of their lives, and then what can be done (once we are married) for me to adopt her daughter.

The Situation: They (my girlfriend and the father of her daughter) lived together for a little over a year about a year ago. The father dropped out of school, quit his job (leaving my girlfriend to support him and a friend with her two jobs), started abusing drugs (marijuana and alcohol), became emotionally/verbally abusive, and was finally arrested and convicted for breaking and entering. She left him when he was in jail.

Now that he is out of jail he has his daughter every Saturday (by my girlfriends will, not by court order) mostly because he threatened to take her daughter away (legally, not kidnapping) if she didn't let him see her, and also that he'd "hurt" or "cut" me.

The Fathers Situation: he is still unemployed, claims to have stopped abusing drugs, doesn't' have his own residence (lives with his grandparents), and going to a technical school for computer design.

Even though he has his daughter every Saturday, he cancels at least every third (if not every other) saturday, and often calls during the week to "make up the time" but then cancels that as well. Essentially he has begun using his time with their daughter to manipulate and control my girlfriend and I.

When her daughter is with him all he does is sit her in front of the television or leave her with his grandparents and then goes out with his friends.

I've tried to give all the details straightforward. If you have any questions please ask, and I will do my best to answer.

Question: What are my girlfriends options? What rights does she have? What rights does the father have?

Thank you so much for your time!
A.

 

[Proserpina]

State: Connecticut

My girlfriend (soon to be fiance) has a 2.5 year old child. She was never married to the father. She (and I) want to know what legal action she can take to gain full legal/physical custody of her daughter, remove the father from both of their lives, and then what can be done (once we are married) for me to adopt her daughter.

She chose this guy to be her child's father - she doesn't get to change her mind now she's with someone else. Whatever makes you think he's going to be removed?

The Situation: They (my girlfriend and the father of her daughter) lived together for a little over a year about a year ago. The father dropped out of school, quit his job (leaving my girlfriend to support him and a friend with her two jobs), started abusing drugs (marijuana and alcohol), became emotionally/verbally abusive, and was finally arrested and convicted for breaking and entering. She left him when he was in jail.

Now that he is out of jail he has his daughter every Saturday (by my girlfriends will, not by court order) mostly because he threatened to take her daughter away (legally, not kidnapping) if she didn't let him see her, and also that he'd "hurt" or "cut" me.

What was done about these threats?

The fact that Mom is letting Dad have visitation shows that Dad is not only trying to be an active parent but that Mom is ok with him doing so. Mom at the moment though is not obliged to allow visitation without a court order - though if she stops now it may not look good on her at all.

The Fathers Situation: he is still unemployed, claims to have stopped abusing drugs, doesn't' have his own residence (lives with his grandparents), and going to a technical school for computer design.

He's going to school - that's a good thing. No proof that he's still using drugs, and he's able to provide a home for the child. More good things.

Even though he has his daughter every Saturday, he cancels at least every third (if not every other) saturday, and often calls during the week to "make up the time" but then cancels that as well. Essentially he has begun using his time with their daughter to manipulate and control my girlfriend and I.

You don't know that. Believe it or not this isn't about you, her or him - it's about the child.

When her daughter is with him all he does is sit her in front of the television or leave her with his grandparents and then goes out with his friends.

Are you there 24/7? How do you know this? More to the point, why isn't he allowed to leave her with her grandparents?

Look. You want to adopt her - that's all well and good. But if Dad doesn't agree there is virtually NO chance of this.

At the very least Mom needs to file in court to have paternity legally established, and to set up custody/visitation and child support. As ever there is always a chance that, faced with child support payments, Dad may be willing to sign off so you could adopt her. There's also a chance that Dad will file to get custody himself.

Nothing you have said is anywhere close to being enough to have Dad's rights terminated involuntarily.

 

[Auz268]

(I hope I am doing the QUOTE thing correctly. I apologize if it appears messed up.)

What was done about these threats?

Threats towards me, nothing. I'm 6'4 250 lbs. and have studied/taught martial arts most of my life. The threat that he is going to take her daughter away, well... that is why I am here trying to learn everything I can to help her.

The fact that Mom is letting Dad have visitation shows that Dad is not only trying to be an active parent but that Mom is ok with him doing so.

Mom is anything but OK with the situation, or him having her daughter and has only gone letting him have visitation so that he doesn't take legal action against her before she understands her (and his) full rights in the light of the law.

You don't know that. Believe it or not this isn't about you, her or him - it's about the child.

Actually, I do. He outright said that he wasn't going to take his daughter on Saturdays he knew that my girlfriend was spending with me, because he didn't "approve" of our relationship. And only changed his mind when he learned that she, their daughter, came with us and spent time with me and my family.

And I agree, this is all about the child. This last weekend with her father she learned two new phrases, she asked "Are you a bitch, mommy?", and then when told it was time for bed, "Daddy said I don't have to".

In every step forward my girlfriend takes with her daughter, the father takes two steps back. When my girlfriend explained what she was doing to teach their daughter (everything from colours, alphabet, to bed time and table manners), he told her that "as long as she wasn't in the house, he didn't have to follow her advice", and actively acted to negate what my girlfriend was doing (down to allowing their 2.5 year old stay up till after midnight, and laughs about it "well, she's gonna be cranky today...")... I understand and completely agree with you that this is about the best thing for the child, that is why we are searching for knowledge to take legal action.

Are you there 24/7? How do you know this?

Again, he has told me and my girlfriend this outright, as has her daughter.

More to the point, why isn't he allowed to leave her with her grandparents?

There is nothing wrong with my girlfriends daughter spending time with her great grandparents. I just think it is funny that a man "trying to be an active father", who is unemployed, finishes class by noon every day, chooses the only night of the week he has his daughter to go out to bars, get drunk, and bring strange women home... or, to participate in vampire blood rituals (I know, I really wish I were kidding or over exaggerating on this one, but I'm not)... and so leaves his daughter with his grandparents as babysitters...

At the very least Mom needs to file in court to have paternity legally established, and to set up custody/visitation and child support. As ever there is always a chance that, faced with child support payments, Dad may be willing to sign off so you could adopt her. There's also a chance that Dad will file to get custody himself.

Alright, now we get to the real issue. The question here is; if she establishes paternity doesn't this give him more rights than he currently has? As I understand it, in Connecticut a child born to unmarried parents is in the legal/physical custody of the mother. Is this the case?


Proserpina, thank you for your thoughts (and the myth of springtime is one of my favorites), but I am looking more for solid legal actualities.

Thank you again,
A.

 

[Isis1]

in total agreement with proserpina!

a court order is mom's friend. she just doesn't know it yet.

stop living under the umbrella of threats.

mom files for custody/visitation/support and to establish custody. take the wind out of dad's sails.

set up visitation per status quo. if he wants more, he can request it.

legal fact, by dad filing for custody, doesn't mean he's going to get it. you don't just get to decide one say, "hey, i want to be a parent, today". he would have to prove best interest of the child and mom is negligent. medically, physically, emotionally, and educationally.

mom allowing vistation is GOOD thing. it shows she is capable of facilitating a relationship with father and child.

 

[Proserpina]

(I hope I am doing the QUOTE thing correctly. I apologize if it appears messed up.)

Nope you're doing fine.

Threats towards me, nothing. I'm 6'4 250 lbs. and have studied/taught martial arts most of my life. The threat that he is going to take her daughter away, well... that is why I am here trying to learn everything I can to help her.

It's not just her daughter - therein lying the issue.

Mom is anything but OK with the situation, or him having her daughter and has only gone letting him have visitation so that he doesn't take legal action against her before she understands her (and his) full rights in the light of the law.

They have equal rights - the only difference is that Dad has to go to court to exercise his. And yes, it does imply that Mom is ok with it, whether or not she sees it the same way.

And I agree, this is all about the child. This last weekend with her father she learned two new phrases, she asked "Are you a bitch, mommy?", and then when told it was time for bed, "Daddy said I don't have to".

The former could have been picked up anywhere, and the latter is EXTREMELY common in children of estranged parents.

In every step forward my girlfriend takes with her daughter, the father takes two steps back. When my girlfriend explained what she was doing to teach their daughter (everything from colours, alphabet, to bed time and table manners), he told her that "as long as she wasn't in the house, he didn't have to follow her advice",

Dad has the right to parent his child the way he wants to - just like Mom does. Neither has to agree with or follow the other parent's preferences.

and actively acted to negate what my girlfriend was doing (down to allowing their 2.5 year old stay up till after midnight, and laughs about it "well, she's gonna be cranky today...")... I understand and completely agree with you that this is about the best thing for the child, that is why we are searching for knowledge to take legal action.

You need to take a step back - truly. I'm not saying that to be mean, or to be rude, but because you're becoming dangerously close to overstepping your boundaries.

There is nothing wrong with my girlfriends daughter spending time with her great grandparents. I just think it is funny that a man "trying to be an active father", who is unemployed, finishes class by noon every day, chooses the only night of the week he has his daughter to go out to bars, get drunk, and bring strange women home... or, to participate in vampire blood rituals (I know, I really wish I were kidding or over exaggerating on this one, but I'm not)... and so leaves his daughter with his grandparents as babysitters...

His hobbies - however outlandish - are his to enjoy. Unless kiddo is in danger nobody is going to tell Dad he can't become the latest Twilight fanboy).

Alright, now we get to the real issue. The question here is; if she establishes paternity doesn't this give him more rights than he currently has? As I understand it, in Connecticut a child born to unmarried parents is in the legal/physical custody of the mother. Is this the case?

Only until Dad files, yes but the question is probably moot - because Dad will need to have his rights established first before any Step-parent Adoption can go ahead. It doesn't matter who files, really - he must first be established legally as Dad.

Proserpina, thank you for your thoughts (and the myth of springtime is one of my favorites), but I am looking more for solid legal actualities.

Thank you again,
A.

You are welcome. You received the legal actualities but I can summarise if you wish:

Dad can file at any time to establish paternity, custody and visitation - as can Mom.

An adoption will not take place at all until at least paternity is legally established (which would entail at least one part of the previous sentence).

Mom is sole custodian at the moment. She is not obliged to allow visitation.

Again, in this situation, unless Dad agrees to sign over his rights (once they've been established), an adoption just isn't going to happen. There is nothing indicating that Dad's rights should be terminated involuntarily; and like it or not Mom IS basically saying that she's OK with Dad being Dad - she is, remember, allowing her child to go with him. OP, please be careful - you aren't even married to Mom yet and it would not be a stretch for a judge to perceive you as trying to elbow out Dad for no real reason. Y'know?

 

[Auz268]

mom files for custody/visitation/support and to establish custody. take the wind out of dad's sails.

set up visitation per status quo. if he wants more, he can request it.

OK... I start to see a picture. (I apologize for twisting your words to my end...)... because the father isn't legally considered the father then he isn't accountable to anyone (let alone able to be counted legally) for missed visits or lack of child support.

Once custody/visitation/support is legally established he now has to face legal action for not upholding his side of the issue, because then there would be a legal measuring stick to count his negligence.

In essence, by giving him what he threatens to do he would be set up for the failure that is bound to come, and my girlfriend would then be given the legal weight that she needs to take further action.

 

[ecmst12]

Once visitation is established, it will still be his choice whether to exercise the visitation or not. When he wants it, SHE will be required to comply.

You really shouldn't be encouraging mom to remove dad from child's life here. He wants to see and have a relationship with his child. That is a GOOD thing. And if you can't accept that she is going to be co-parenting with him until the child is 18 (at least), then don't marry her. A step-parent is a really hard role to fill - I'm not sure I could ever be one. Lots of people couldn't. If you can't handle giving love and support to mom and child, and staying the heck out of legal and custody matters, then now is the time to back out.

Did it ever occur to you that maybe he takes kiddo to grandparents' house because THEY want to spend time with her? Since they don't get any other opportunity to see their grandchild?

 

[Proserpina]

Please have your girlfriend come here and register should she have questions.

(As a step-parent and one who is known to have been a very offensive over-stepping BUD, I feel I can say this with heart: You are far overstepping here - take a step back. If you love your girlfriend please - step back)

 

[Auz268]

Thank you all so much for your comments and help, my girlfriend (and I) seriously appreciate it! And have given her a good place to ask questions from when she visits a lawyer this week.

Proserpina, I have given her the website to register when she has a chance (I don't think she will because of time issues... which is why I'm here in the first place ) but I will encourage her to ask what ever other questions she does have here.

Thank you all again,
A.

P.S. Have wonder Thanksgivings!

 

[Proserpina]

Thank you all so much for your comments and help, my girlfriend (and I) seriously appreciate it! And have given her a good place to ask questions from when she visits a lawyer this week.

Proserpina, I have given her the website to register when she has a chance (I don't think she will because of time issues... which is why I'm here in the first place ) but I will encourage her to ask what ever other questions she does have here.

Thank you all again,
A.

P.S. Have wonder Thanksgivings!

And to you