Modifying Custody Agreement - School Schedule

[ddmz]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? MD

I have a 5 year old who will be attending kindergarten this year. We have an arrangement in which my ex-wife has our son on Wed. and Thurs. nights. The rest of the time he is with me (we have joint custody, but majority time is spent with me).

This was put in place when he was 2/turning 3 and not yet in school. I'd prefer that he is given a set M-F school schedule, where he will stay with me during these days (he is also attending school within my district and will the bus). We then will alternate weekends (which we currently are not doing - I have him on weekends, however will allow visitation based on request if non-conflicting with current plans, this has only occurred recently - the requests). In addition, I'll allow the mother to have dinner with our son one evening during the week.

His mother is apprehensive to agree to this as she feels every other weekend does not give her enough time with him. However, as it is now, she really only seems him two nights a week and often she works late and her BF picks up our son and puts him to bed, leaving her to only see him in the mornings.


I'm already in the process of the modification, but I just wanted to see if anyone had any feedback to this. His mother had suggested she gets 'every' weekend, but obviously there's no chance I'd agree to that. She then threw out a few random suggestions, like one night per week and 3 weekends, etc. She also has no solution for his after school. I'll be home and able to be there when he returns from school, whereas her schedule is inconsistent and generally requires her to work late.

Am I being unreasonable by requesting M-F? We've already had issues with his behavior in preschool and to be frank, his mother doesn't quite get it when it comes to discipline or maintaining consistency. It's going to become a real problem as he grows and school becomes more demanding.

Also, with the proposed new schedule - alternating weekends and dinner once a week, she'll actually end up spending more 'awake' time with him.

Thank you, really appreciate any input.

 

[Antigone*]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? MD

I have a 5 year old who will be attending kindergarten this year. We have an arrangement in which my ex-wife has our son on Wed. and Thurs. nights. The rest of the time he is with me (we have joint custody, but majority time is spent with me).

This was put in place when he was 2/turning 3 and not yet in school. I'd prefer that he is given a set M-F school schedule, where he will stay with me during these days (he is also attending school within my district and will the bus). We then will alternate weekends (which we currently are not doing - I have him on weekends, however will allow visitation based on request if non-conflicting with current plans, this has only occurred recently - the requests). In addition, I'll allow the mother to have dinner with our son one evening during the week.

His mother is apprehensive to agree to this as she feels every other weekend does not give her enough time with him. However, as it is now, she really only seems him two nights a week and often she works late and her BF picks up our son and puts him to bed, leaving her to only see him in the mornings.


I'm already in the process of the modification, but I just wanted to see if anyone had any feedback to this. His mother had suggested she gets 'every' weekend, but obviously there's no chance I'd agree to that. She then threw out a few random suggestions, like one night per week and 3 weekends, etc. She also has no solution for his after school. I'll be home and able to be there when he returns from school, whereas her schedule is inconsistent and generally requires her to work late.

Am I being unreasonable by requesting M-F? We've already had issues with his behavior in preschool and to be frank, his mother doesn't quite get it when it comes to discipline or maintaining consistency. It's going to become a real problem as he grows and school becomes more demanding.

Also, with the proposed new schedule - alternating weekends and dinner once a week, she'll actually end up spending more 'awake' time with him.

Thank you, really appreciate any input.

Why can't mom get kiddo to school?

 

[ddmz]

Why can't mom get kiddo to school?

It's less of an issue of her getting him to school, even though she is often late to pre-school. But more of an issue of what happens after school. There's homework, sports, etc. that need to be completed and maintained. Also, she does often keep him up late and he's exhausted the next day. She actually brought him to his orientation, they arrived and he had stains all over his clothes and he came to me and practically fell asleep - he was exhausted.

It's just simply not an ideal situation and can easily be avoided by having a sensible schedule.

 

[OHRoadwarrior]

My suggestion is basically what you propose. Alternate weekends. Mom is responsible for following through with scheduled sport activities, on her weekends. She can have him one unscheduled weeknight for dinner/shopping trip, as her job allows and child is available. Take whatever you both agree on for a test drive prior to spending any money getting it made court official. This will save money if hairballs occur.

 

[DownTime]

You want to cut the mother's time down from 8 days a month to 4, and are wondering why she doesn't just agree?

Best case scenario, IMO, is that you get named as the school parent, and that she has the child every weekend.

Overnights during the week should be frowned on as it is disruptive to the child to change parents mid week. Different methods of basic items such as meal times and bed times and getting ready in the morning can confuse and stress the child, who at that age is trying to please parents.

I just can't see why bumping mom's time to Friday night, Saturday and Sunday is unfeasable. It will keep the status quo for the child, and keep time spent with mom even.

Change may seem huge at first, but in a few months you adjust.

 

[La-a]

You want to cut the mother's time down from 8 days a month to 4, and are wondering why she doesn't just agree?

Best case scenario, IMO, is that you get named as the school parent, and that she has the child every weekend.

I disagree with you there on the "every weekend" part. That's not likely.

Overnights during the week should be frowned on as it is disruptive to the child to change parents mid week. Different methods of basic items such as meal times and bed times and getting ready in the morning can confuse and stress the child, who at that age is trying to please parents.

That's also your opinion.

I just can't see why bumping mom's time to Friday night, Saturday and Sunday is unfeasable. It will keep the status quo for the child, and keep time spent with mom even.

Because Dad will never have a weekend with his child in your scenario. No down time, so to speak.

Change may seem huge at first, but in a few months you adjust.

True, that.

 

[Proserpina]

You want to cut the mother's time down from 8 days a month to 4, and are wondering why she doesn't just agree?

Best case scenario, IMO, is that you get named as the school parent, and that she has the child every weekend.

Why should one parent get the "fun" time? Not likely to be ordered if the parents don't agree.

Overnights during the week should be frowned on as it is disruptive to the child to change parents mid week.

Baloney. It's actually the norm for millions and millions of children. And actually the "norm" in most standard parenting plans.

Different methods of basic items such as meal times and bed times and getting ready in the morning can confuse and stress the child, who at that age is trying to please parents.

Or, it can help teach the child coping skills.

I just can't see why bumping mom's time to Friday night, Saturday and Sunday is unfeasable. It will keep the status quo for the child, and keep time spent with mom even.

Because that would mean Dad gets NO weekend time. BIG issue there.

Change may seem huge at first, but in a few months you adjust.

Have a buttered crumpet while you read more and perhaps post a little less

 

[Antigone*]

You want to cut the mother's time down from 8 days a month to 4, and are wondering why she doesn't just agree?

Best case scenario, IMO, is that you get named as the school parent, and that she has the child every weekend.

Overnights during the week should be frowned on as it is disruptive to the child to change parents mid week. Different methods of basic items such as meal times and bed times and getting ready in the morning can confuse and stress the child, who at that age is trying to please parents.

I just can't see why bumping mom's time to Friday night, Saturday and Sunday is unfeasable. It will keep the status quo for the child, and keep time spent with mom even.

Change may seem huge at first, but in a few months you adjust.

Would you go for a schedule like that yourself as the CP?

 

[DownTime]

I did do a schedule that way, yes. Then it was switched in mediation by agreement to Thursday-Thursday.

And actually, the Wednsday night flop isn't being suggested as much as it used to.

Advocating less time with mom (or dad even if that was the case) seems quite unfair to the other parent, but especially the child, when there are options available that would protect time shared.

 

[Proserpina]

I did do a schedule that way, yes. Then it was switched in mediation by agreement to Thursday-Thursday.

And actually, the Wednsday night flop isn't being suggested as much as it used to.

Advocating less time with mom (or dad even if that was the case) seems quite unfair to the other parent, but especially the child, when there are options available that would protect time shared.

Nobody is suggesting that Mom should get less time.

The key is to have a parenting schedule where the child is able to spend "down time" with BOTH parents.

Not just one.

 

[DownTime]

Understood about free time. During the week, there is free time on school days, although it is not a full free day. Perhaps an agreement on weekends that when mom is working, dad gets first right of refusal for child care.

 

[Proserpina]

Understood about free time. During the week, there is free time on school days, although it is not a full free day. Perhaps an agreement on weekends that when mom is working, dad gets first right of refusal for child care.

I'm curious about something.

The purpose of "one night per week" is so that the child doesn't have to go entire weeks without having access to the other parent. Such a formula also allows both parents to have weekend time with the child uninterrupted by school and the like. It's a win/win.

Are you in the OP's state? How many custody orders have you seen where the NCP gets every weekend but no mid-week? I'm not talking about stipulated agreements - I'm talking initial custody decisions decided in court.

 

[DownTime]

If the parents can agree to a modification, then it can be legalized and ordered without ever seeing a court room.

This, in turn, saves time, money, work loss, stress, not to mention keeping patience with other party and avoiding further issues down the road.

A universal good thing, not mandated per state, one would think.

 

[ddmz]

Just to clarify the time, going from 8 nights to 4 nights a month. This doesn't actually equate to less time his mother will see him.

As it is now, she only sees him at best after 5pm until 8pm-ish when he goes to bed, then for about an hour in the morning before pre-school. Combined, in a given week, under a best case scenario she sees him for 8-10 hours. Often, she doesn't get home from work until well after bed time and our son is already put to sleep by her boyfriend. By alternating weekends and giving the additional dinner time during the week, she effectively ends up being with him about 5x more than what is current.

To simply compare 8 nights vs 4 nights would not be an accurate assessment of her time with him. And having him stay with her every weekend would be out of the question. He would end up never seeing his grandparents, cousins, uncle.. whom he now sees just about every weekend. His grandmother (my mother), is like a second mom to him. She practically raised him when he was younger, so to cut her out is not an option.

 

[Proserpina]

Just to clarify the time, going from 8 nights to 4 nights a month. This doesn't actually equate to less time his mother will see him.

As it is now, she only sees him at best after 5pm until 8pm-ish when he goes to bed, then for about an hour in the morning before pre-school. Combined, in a given week, under a best case scenario she sees him for 8-10 hours. Often, she doesn't get home from work until well after bed time and our son is already put to sleep by her boyfriend. By alternating weekends and giving the additional dinner time during the week, she effectively ends up being with him about 5x more than what is current.

To simply compare 8 nights vs 4 nights would not be an accurate assessment of her time with him.

She evidently disagrees, and honestly - the overnights DO count in court.