Mother has legal custody; we keep child

[SandieTN]

What is the name of your state? Tennessee

My husband has a 6yo daughter from a previous marriage. The BM left my husband shortly after she found out she was pregnant, and moved back in with her ex-h. My husband did not ask for custody of daughter during divorce; daughter was only 3 months old. They did have a paternity test; the child is his, and he has always taken responsibility and paid support. He legally has every other weekend visitation, but since February of last year (2003) we have kept his daughter the majority of the time, and we have documented it. Actually, we have had her the majority of the time the last 3 years.

Now, BM is losing her house, and they are moving in with her mother (the grandmother). This is a bad living situation. Daughter's own words are they have to clean up the room they will be staying in, because that is the room with the dog poop. Daughter says she wants to be with her Mom all the time, because Mom has no one else to take care of her. Mom is unemployed, and has been for about 2 years.

My husband has told his ex that these conditions are not acceptable. Do we have a chance at winning in this situation?

 

[stealth2]

Once the room is cleaned out - what are the unacceptable conditions?

 

[BL]

Daughter is 6 yrs. old , and NOT old enough to make decisions.

If doggy doo is embedded in floor, it think it would be hard to rid it of smell, and besides who is letting gramma keep doggy doo in room?

Does it get picked up, or is it 3 in. thick ?

 

[SandieTN]

we still want daughter

We still want to keep daughter 1/2 time. BM says we will go back to legal statement; we only get her every other weekend. We have been having her from Thursday night to Monday morning. We have been involved with her schoolwork, and want to stay involved. We have been involved in all areas of her life, and make sure she gets to school on time the mornings we have her. We just want to be there for her, not have her pulled away.

 

[stealth2]

That's understandable, but it doesn't answer the questions.

 

[SandieTN]

questions?

Mother with two children need more of a home than a sunroom. She has other places she can go, but they expect her to take some responsibility. Her son is 8, and wants to be with his father anyway. He doesn't want to be with his Mom at all.

All we have asked of her is to provide some stability to daugher's life, and uprooting her has got her very unsettled. We have never tried to keep her from her Mom; but we have tried to be there when daughter needs us. Keeping her away from us now is not fair to daughter, nor in her best interest.

 

[stealth2]

Okay, so the dog poop isn't an issue, apparently. Do all of us a favor (including yourself) - tell us in one post what it is Dad wants to do, and what the issues are. That will make it much easier to help you.

 

[SandieTN]

ok, here goes

You're right, dog poop is only a secondary issue.

The real issue is keeping stepdaughter as stable as possible. She is doing well in school, and we are helping with her homework, and making sure she gets to school on time the mornings we have her. We would like to keep things the way they are, at least. We have had her from Thursday afternoon until Monday morning, minimum, this entire school year. We have had her more, because Mom will call us to pick her up because something has come up. We just want to make sure daughter is taken care of.

 

[stealth2]

Okay, then. If I were in Dad's shoes, I would probably wait until a little further into the school year and then file for a modification of custody to reflect the time Dad actually has her. You have the documentation. When you start adding in the "poop in the room" issue, etc - it all gets cloudy. Rooms can be cleaned. But Dad has documented the additional time he has had with the child. Has her schoolwork and attendance improved in that time? Get copies of her report cards and attendance reconrd if he doesn't have them to show it. Is she involved in extracurriculars as a result of his extra time? He should focus on the positives that he can and does offer rather than the negatives about Mom.

 

[SandieTN]

trying to do the right thing

Yes, we have been keeping records of when we or BM have daughter. Also, the teacher last year (kindergarten) stated (to us, anyway) that daughter had improved after we started keeping her in February. It was noted on the report card that she had just "bloomed and blossomed". So, we do have that. We can also prove status of missed days when we had her, and no tardies when she was with us. There were numerous on her report card before we got her; that was a big red flag that things were turning for the worse.

I just wish Mom would get her act together for everyone's sake; but after 6 years I doubt that will happen. So, I have to keep my focus on the best interest of the daughter. I know where she would be better off; but proving that in court may be a different subject.

 

[Ambr]

Is the teacher aware of the situation and the time frame that the child has spent with you?

If you could get the teacher to help out in court - it would be good. She could testify that the child has improved when in your custody / care and also about the lack of participation / concern on the part of the BM.

Every little thing helps.

 

[SandieTN]

teacher

Kindergarten teacher last year noticed improvement; she noted on report card daughter had just "bloomed and blossomed". We also show no unexcused absences and no tardies when she was with us; there were numerous before. That was one red flag that things were turning bad.

BM calls the first grade teacher the "drill sergeant". She is a little harsh, but I have no problem with that as long as she is fair. BM has sent notes and made phone calls; let's just say the school knows her well, and she is welcome by invitation only. BM also has a 2nd grader with behavioral problems, and I reckon she has really shown herself over him at the same school. So, I don't think she will have any sympathy there. But, would they testify to that effect? I don't really know, and we are afraid to ask before it is necessary, as they might tip off BM.

 

[CaliCat]

File for a change in custody. Explain that you have the child when the BM is supposed to because she is unwilling. Have the kindergarten teacher vouch that the child has been with you and her school work and attendence improved with you.

Is the BM willing to allow you to make it legal to have her more often or will you have a struggle?

 

[shuga24]

things arent always perfect sometimes there are set backs in life that we have to overcome. just because she is losing her house doest mean she is not a good mother. dog stayed in the room now she is moving in. when you leave your house or apartment you do have to clean up for the next person to move in, right?

 

[shuga24]

just got updated on this case i do agree with ambr