NCP lives with a proven unfit parent

[ICUB4ER]

What is the name of your state? Kansas

My stbx's girlfriend has kicked her husband out of their home and my stbx has moved in with her. The girlfriend has lost all four of her children to two of her three ex-husbands by being proven to be an unfit parent by the court.
I have no idea what she did to be proven unfit, but I do know that it takes an awful lot to take children from their mother.
Since my stbx is now living with this person, our children(two girls ages 11 & 13) will be staying in the house with her during stbx's weekend visits.
I am EXTREMELY uncomfortable with our children staying there. There has been nothing but problems on the weekends that stbx has the children. His girlfriend and our 13 yr old DO NOT like or get along with each other.
The girlfriend, according to our 13 yr old is nothing but mean to her by calling her names, making fun of her because she is "big", and just being nasty to her, and saying horrible things about me to her. Our daughter said that her dad just stands there and listens and never intervenes.
Right now, we are STILL working off of a temporary order that states reasonable visitation, and stbx only takes the children EOW. This was stbx's weekend to have the children, and our 13 yr old absolutely refused to get up and go with him because he now lives with his girlfriend and she is so awful to her.
I told her that she had no choice and that she would land my butt in jail if she didn't go with her dad, and then she would be living with him permanently. She said that she wanted to go with him, but if that meant that she had to go to his girlfriends house, then she wasn't going to go.
I tried talking calmly to her, I tried bribing her, I tried guilting her, I tried threatening her, I even tried to physically put her in his truck...it just was not going to happen.
I am at a complete loss as to what to do with her. She needs to see her dad as much as he needs to see her.
But what does one do when the child flat out refuses to go because they can't deal with the mental torture that happens when they do go?
I certainly don't want to end up in jail because she refuses to go with her dad!
And before anyone suggests it, both children as well as myself have been in weekly counseling since day one of the divorce process.

 

[thefid]

Ok, I want to know the answer to this one too... I suspect I will be entering into a similar situation soon. My only answer at this point is to let the ex call the police and have them document the situation... but I don't like that solution and am sure there is a better way.

 

[eme76]

if your current court order states "reasonable" visatation i would think that it would be "reasonable" for your daughter to stay home

however if it states EOW unfortunatly shes out of luck till you get it changed

 

[ceara19]

if your current court order states "reasonable" visatation i would think that it would be "reasonable" for your daughter to stay home

however if it states EOW unfortunatly shes out of luck till you get it changed

I think the order says reasonable and it just so happens that dad gets EOW.

OP - Until the next hearing, let dad see the child at MOM's house. Then at the next hearing you could bring up the GF.

 

[stealth2]

What would you do if she flat out refused to, say, go to school?

 

[Whyte Noise]

And also, what proof do you have that she is unfit? (You titled your post "NCP lives with a proven unfit parent")

Just because the children don't live with her doesn't mean she's been proven unfit.

 

[Zephyr]

And also, what proof do you have that she is unfit? (You titled your post "NCP lives with a proven unfit parent")

Just because the children don't live with her doesn't mean she's been proven unfit.

that is what I was wondering

 

[nextwife]

Are you PRESUMING unfitness due to custody? Because fathers can have custody of children without mom being unfit. Do you KNOW she was "PROVEN" unfit?

 

[BelizeBreeze]

Unless you have an order from the court denying visitation to the stbx by reason of the live-in, then although your current order states "reasonable visitation" you will be giving the stbx a case of interference with parental rights by refusing the stbx access to his daughter.

There is no legal determination in YOUR case that the live-in is unfit. And until there is, or until you have a no-cohabitation clause added to your final custody/visitation order, she goes...or you weaken your case for custody.

A temporary order is just that...it shows the court how both parties can adhere to the order of the court.

 

[LdiJ]

What was your ex doing while you were attempting to make her go with him?

 

[Ohiogal]

I agree with BB and a few of the others. Not only do you not know that she was PROVEN UNFIT if you are basing it on the custody but gf needs to be PROVEN unfit around your daughter for it to matter in this case. You need to have a talk with dad about daughter's concerns re: gf. Find out the story from his perspective. 13-year-old MAY (not necessarily is) be exaggerating or finding a reason why she doesn't want to go to dad's because she is jealous of dad's gf or resentful of dad having a gf.
Keep telling daughter she has to go and work with dad on figuring out a way to get her to go. You and dad BOTH might want to sit down and have a conversation with your daughter to work something out.

 

[ICUB4ER]

I know for a fact that the reason that she doesn't have custody of her children is because she was proven unfit. During our "friendship", she has been back to court no less than 5 times trying to regain custody of her children. She and I had been "friends" for 9 years...until she and my stbx started messing around with eachother.
Stbx just sat in his truck and didn't say a word and offered NO help at all when I was trying to get our daughter to go with him.
Our 11 year old daughter backs up her sisters claims of being mistreated when they are with their dad.
There is no set visitation schedule, only "reasonable visitation".
My problem still remains though, HOW does one force a 13 yr old child in a vehicle to go with their dad???
Do I call the police and see if they can make her go? Right now, that's the only idea that I can come up with!

 

[ceara19]

I know for a fact that the reason that she doesn't have custody of her children is because she was proven unfit. During our "friendship", she has been back to court no less than 5 times trying to regain custody of her children. She and I had been "friends" for 9 years...until she and my stbx started messing around with eachother.
Stbx just sat in his truck and didn't say a word and offered NO help at all when I was trying to get our daughter to go with him.
Our 11 year old daughter backs up her sisters claims of being mistreated when they are with their dad.
There is no set visitation schedule, only "reasonable visitation".
My problem still remains though, HOW does one force a 13 yr old child in a vehicle to go with their dad???
Do I call the police and see if they can make her go? Right now, that's the only idea that I can come up with!

How was it determained that she was unfit? Abuse, neglect, mental problems? The fact that this woman was found to be unfit to raise HER children isn't going to mean anything as far as YOUR child is concerned. She's not the one that will be taking you to court, dad is. You might be able to stipulate that she can't be left ALONE with your child or that she not be allowed to spend the night when your child is there until when (if ever) they get married.

Next time dad comes to pick her up and she refuses to go, walk out to the car and TELL dad she doesn't want to go. Then tell him HE needs to come in and talk to her. In front of dad, tell her she HAS to go. If she still refuses, let DAD find a way to make her if he wants her to go. If he wants to pick her up, throw her over his shoulder and FORCE her to go, so be it (as long as she's not physically harmed). Chances are that he won't do it. Instead, he'll probably decide it's not worth it and leave without her.

She really needs to go to therapy with you and DAD to get to the bottom of this.

 

[BelizeBreeze]

I know for a fact that the reason that she doesn't have custody of her children is because she was proven unfit. During our "friendship", she has been back to court no less than 5 times trying to regain custody of her children. !

Please post here then the county in which the TPR hearing took place, the case citation and the year.

 

[stealth2]

My problem still remains though, HOW does one force a 13 yr old child in a vehicle to go with their dad???

My question remains - what would you do if she refused to go to school?

What consequences have you imposed on her for her refusal? ARE there any?