Need Advice on Child Custody

[shiva2620]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? California

I am a 21 year old, soon to be mother (due in 3 weeks). Since finding out that I was pregnant, I had moved in with my boyfriend at the time, the father of my baby. He's always had a temper, though he never got physically violent. He would yell and scream, saying things like 'You and the baby are just a cancer in my life' or 'I wish I'd never met you'. Recently, his father came to visit and he got extremely pissed off. He push me (I was 8 1/2 months pregnant) out of the room and locked himself in it. All my medications (I had a severe ear and jaw infection) were locked in there as well as all my clothes. This happened on a Friday night and I didn't get back into the room until his father took off the doorknob off and let me in on Sunday night. I grabbed some clothes and things and left for my mother's house the next day to give him time to cool off.

On Tuesday, about two weeks ago, he texted me. I ignored him for a while, then he started getting pissed off again and blamed me for him getting pissed off and said 'You knew I was upset at my mom and should have known better than to ask me a question'. He said it was my fault he missed his family reunion and that, if I admitted I was wrong then I could come back. I said it wasn't my fault and that I'd stay here if he really felt like that.

On Thursday, he said that he wanted me to move back in and that he missed me. He told me he would change and do whatever I needed him to to help with the baby. That Friday, he said come home or move out, so I talked to our landlord and set up to pick up my stuff that Saturday, because I didn't feel safe staying there at the time. The landlord told him and he ended up throwing all my clothes out on the front lawn, then telling me where they were.

My ex-landlord picked them up, as I now live 30 minutes away, and I went with my brother and picked up most of my stuff. That Saturday, I went back and picked up the crib and baby stuff. This last Thursday, he texted me and said I miss you, I love you, I want to see you. I told him that I needed to think about whether or not I still wanted to talk to him. That Saturday was the baby shower. That Sunday, his mother called me and said that he was extremely pissed that he didn't get to go to the baby shower, when his sister planned it and no men were allowed (and he didn't even want to go until that Friday night).

I hadn't heard from him since Thursday, but last night he sent me an email, saying that he needs me in his life and so on. He's supposed to be on medications and he's awfully unstable when not on them. Even when he is on them, he doesn't do anything besides playing the video game World of Warcraft (he's 26 and I do all the laundry, dishes, trash, both bathrooms, and the bedroom). He has no patience with adults, let alone a screaming baby. I want to know if, since I know that we will not be getting back together, it is better for the baby for me just try for full custody of the baby.

 

[LdiJ]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? California

I am a 21 year old, soon to be mother (due in 3 weeks). Since finding out that I was pregnant, I had moved in with my boyfriend at the time, the father of my baby. He's always had a temper, though he never got physically violent. He would yell and scream, saying things like 'You and the baby are just a cancer in my life' or 'I wish I'd never met you'. Recently, his father came to visit and he got extremely pissed off. He push me (I was 8 1/2 months pregnant) out of the room and locked himself in it. All my medications (I had a severe ear and jaw infection) were locked in there as well as all my clothes. This happened on a Friday night and I didn't get back into the room until his father took off the doorknob off and let me in on Sunday night. I grabbed some clothes and things and left for my mother's house the next day to give him time to cool off.

On Tuesday, about two weeks ago, he texted me. I ignored him for a while, then he started getting pissed off again and blamed me for him getting pissed off and said 'You knew I was upset at my mom and should have known better than to ask me a question'. He said it was my fault he missed his family reunion and that, if I admitted I was wrong then I could come back. I said it wasn't my fault and that I'd stay here if he really felt like that.

On Thursday, he said that he wanted me to move back in and that he missed me. He told me he would change and do whatever I needed him to to help with the baby. That Friday, he said come home or move out, so I talked to our landlord and set up to pick up my stuff that Saturday, because I didn't feel safe staying there at the time. The landlord told him and he ended up throwing all my clothes out on the front lawn, then telling me where they were.

My ex-landlord picked them up, as I now live 30 minutes away, and I went with my brother and picked up most of my stuff. That Saturday, I went back and picked up the crib and baby stuff. This last Thursday, he texted me and said I miss you, I love you, I want to see you. I told him that I needed to think about whether or not I still wanted to talk to him. That Saturday was the baby shower. That Sunday, his mother called me and said that he was extremely pissed that he didn't get to go to the baby shower, when his sister planned it and no men were allowed (and he didn't even want to go until that Friday night).

I hadn't heard from him since Thursday, but last night he sent me an email, saying that he needs me in his life and so on. He's supposed to be on medications and he's awfully unstable when not on them. Even when he is on them, he doesn't do anything besides playing the video game World of Warcraft (he's 26 and I do all the laundry, dishes, trash, both bathrooms, and the bedroom). He has no patience with adults, let alone a screaming baby. I want to know if, since I know that we will not be getting back together, it is better for the baby for me just try for full custody of the baby.

Since this is an unwed situation you will automatically have sole legal and physical custody of the baby to start with. He will have no custody until he takes it to court to have custody legally established.

However, once he does take it to court he is pretty much guaranteed to get at least joint legal custody (joint decision making) with probably phased in parenting time. Therefore you need to be prepared for that to eventually happen.

In the meantime, PLEASE realize both for your own sake and the sake of your child that this is NOT a relationship that is healthy for you, and don't go back to him, no matter what he says.

 

[shiva2620]

Since this is an unwed situation you will automatically have sole legal and physical custody of the baby to start with. He will have no custody until he takes it to court to have custody legally established.

However, once he does take it to court he is pretty much guaranteed to get at least joint legal custody (joint decision making) with probably phased in parenting time. Therefore you need to be prepared for that to eventually happen.

In the meantime, PLEASE realize both for your own sake and the sake of your child that this is NOT a relationship that is healthy for you, and don't go back to him, no matter what he says.

Is there any way to stop him from getting joint custody? Even his mother doesn't want him alone with the baby and she works 40 hours a week and can't be there with him.

 

[Proserpina]

Is there any way to stop him from getting joint custody? Even his mother doesn't want him alone with the baby and she works 40 hours a week and can't be there with him.

You would need to prove that he's actually a threat.

You not being comfortable with him having the baby alone does not constitute such a threat.

Joint legal custody btw does not equal joint physical custody (which in turn does not equal a 50-50 timeshare).

OP, why don't you spend some time reading through some old threads? You'll learn a LOT about custody, visitation, how it all works, what's important and what's not.

It's a free (and invaluable, in my opinion) education

 

[LdiJ]

You would need to prove that he's actually a threat.

You not being comfortable with him having the baby alone does not constitute such a threat.

Joint legal custody btw does equal joint physical custody (which in turn does not equal a 50-50 timeshare).

OP, why don't you spend some time reading through some old threads? You'll learn a LOT about custody, visitation, how it all works, what's important and what's not.

It's a free (and invaluable, in my opinion) education

I agree...however since dad's own mother doesn't want him to be alone with the baby I think that's a pretty good indication that he probably should NOT be alone with the baby.

Maybe his mother would be willing to help shift him towards mediating a schedule where she would be available to help...assuming that he files at all.

 

[Isis1]

You would need to prove that he's actually a threat.

You not being comfortable with him having the baby alone does not constitute such a threat.

Joint legal custody btw does equal joint physical custody (which in turn does not equal a 50-50 timeshare).

OP, why don't you spend some time reading through some old threads? You'll learn a LOT about custody, visitation, how it all works, what's important and what's not.

It's a free (and invaluable, in my opinion) education

um, hon....you missed something...

 

[Proserpina]

I agree...however since dad's own mother doesn't want him to be alone with the baby I think that's a pretty good indication that he probably should NOT be alone with the baby.

Maybe his mother would be willing to help shift him towards mediating a schedule where she would be available to help...assuming that he files at all.

Honestly? I could equate that to new grandma butting in where she's neither wanted nor needed.

I don't think it's an indication of anything at all important at this stage; nobody knows how he'll be around his own child.

You make a good point though - this is assuming he files anything at all. There's no guarantee he'll do that.

 

[Proserpina]

um, hon....you missed something...

Oopsy! I fixed it.



I AM running on 3 hours of sleep...

 

[shiva2620]

Honestly? I could equate that to new grandma butting in where she's neither wanted nor needed.

I don't think it's an indication of anything at all important at this stage; nobody knows how he'll be around his own child.

You make a good point though - this is assuming he files anything at all. There's no guarantee he'll do that.

His mother knows him the best, though, and I trust her with my life. He's always had anger problems, even as a child. He's never been able to take care of himself, since when I'm not there to help him do all the house work, it doesn't get done. He doesn't take his medications regularly. He doesn't do anything except make the room a pigsty or play World of Warcraft. He gets pissed off at me when I ask him to help me clean the room so that we can put the crib together. If it didn't involve that stupid game, then it didn't matter.

 

[Proserpina]

His mother knows him the best, though, and I trust her with my life. He's always had anger problems, even as a child. He's never been able to take care of himself, since when I'm not there to help him do all the house work, it doesn't get done.

You're about to make him a father. He will have rights - and if he files for visitation, he WILL be granted visitation. Again, you'll have to articulate some compelling reasons why he shouldn't have unsupervised visitation.

How come his Mom didn't warn you about him before you hooked up?

(That's a rhetorical)

 

[Just Blue]

His mother knows him the best, though, and I trust her with my life. He's always had anger problems, even as a child. He's never been able to take care of himself, since when I'm not there to help him do all the house work, it doesn't get done. He doesn't take his medications regularly. He doesn't do anything except make the room a pigsty or play World of Warcraft. He gets pissed off at me when I ask him to help me clean the room so that we can put the crib together. If it didn't involve that stupid game, then it didn't matter.

Just 'cause the question BEGS to be asked...WHY WOULD YOU PROCREATE WITH THIS MAN??

You do realize that knowingly having sex with this man tells the court that you think he is a fit and find father material?

 

[Zigner]

In other words - his behaviour is nothing new! You knew about it, but LUUVVEEDD him so much that it didn't matter!

 

[shiva2620]

You're about to make him a father. He will have rights - and if he files for visitation, he WILL be granted visitation. Again, you'll have to articulate some compelling reasons why he shouldn't have unsupervised visitation.

How come his Mom didn't warn you about him before you hooked up?

(That's a rhetorical)

Why should he have rights when he hasn't done anything? He's not a father, he's a sperm donor. He's so into that stupid game that he ignores everything else. He has no job, he had to move back in with his mother, his room is unsanitary (I've seen rats and ****roaches running around in there). I try to keep it clean, but he's a slob and I can't do it all myself.

 

[shiva2620]

Just 'cause the question BEGS to be asked...WHY WOULD YOU PROCREATE WITH THIS MAN??

You do realize that knowingly having sex with this man tells the court that you think he is a fit and find father material?

I got pregnant because my birth control failed. We'd only been together 3 months when we found out I was pregnant.

 

[Proserpina]

Why should he have rights when he hasn't done anything? He's not a father, he's a sperm donor. He's so into that stupid game that he ignores everything else. He has no job, he had to move back in with his mother, his room is unsanitary (I've seen rats and ****roaches running around in there). I try to keep it clean, but he's a slob and I can't do it all myself.

You picked him, hon. You're going to be stuck with him for the next 18 or so years.

It's best you get used to that idea right now. Would you consider taking co-parenting classes?

As LdiJ said though, he might not even bother to file for anything.

But please - don't go down the whole "sperm donor" road, ok? Do you really want to be known as "egg donor" instead of Mom? Nah. You don't.