Need input re: custody/moving

[ackgirl]

What is the name of your state? Massachusetts

Hi all. I was here earlier in the year, when my XH was making drunken threats to move half way across the country and take my daughter with him. I appreciate the feedback I got at the time, most of it saying a judge will most likely not allow him to do this.

Just a little background: We were married for 7 years, have been divorced for 4 years. Our daughter is 8 years old. The divorce decree states we share joint legal/physical custody, 50/50. Neither of us can take the child to live out of state without written permission from the other parent.

XH came over this morning and informed me he is going to marry his girlfriend, who lives in Missouri, and that he plans to move there and take our daughter with him. He tried to pressure me into agreeing to this, as he said it's in her best interests. His reasons were: 1) She would have extended family nearby 2) She would have more educational opportunities and could go to private school, which would be beneficial, as she appears to be a gifted student 3)She would have a more stable environment in his new home, as he and his girlfriend will be married (I am currently living with my boyfriend of 3 1/2 years -- a committed relationship, I just no longer believe in marriage) and 4) She would have more other children her age around (???? Plenty of kids where I live -- not sure what he's getting at here).

He also said that he is concerned about the example I'm setting for our daughter by living with my boyfriend and not being married to him. Honestly, I could marry my boyfriend tomorrow, but I'd resent the heck out of it since I don't find it necessary, and don't feel it makes a couple any more committed to one another just because they have a piece of paper -- reference my own failed marriage.

I live in a small apartment (cost of living is high here). My daughter and I share the bedroom when she is with me, and my boyfriend sleeps on the pullout. I have told my daughter she may have the room to herself any time she wants it. I think it's important for her to have her own space. Within the next two years, we will hopefully be moving into a two or three bedroom duplex, as my boyfriend will be getting employee housing (he works for the town). So by the time she really needs her own room, we will have it for her.

My question is this: He is sure he will win full custody if we go to court. Does he have a chance? Are his reasons something a judge would look at and say, "Hmmmm, yes, these are valid and just reasons to take this child from her mother and the only home she's ever known"?

I think having extended family around and going to private school are "nice", but I can't see them being worth taking a child from her mother. I can't get my head around it -- why he would do this to his daughter. It's all about what HE wants, and he's using her as a pawn to get his way, in my mind. (Trust me, he has a history of this behavior)

All input is appreciated.

 

[Zephyr]

get yourself into a 2bedroom place and dad will have a heck of a time being able to move the child. especially from mass.

 

[ackgirl]

Thanks. So, you really think they'd take me away from her b/c I live in a one-bedroom? There are people here who cram 4 kids into one and two bedrooms. I also have a letter XH wrote me a year ago, stating that the fact that we live in such a small place doesn't matter, that all that matters is how much I love my daughter and she loves me. So I would think he'd have a hard time now saying it's a problem.

Anyway, if that was all I needed to do, I could probably do it. It would be expensive, and things would be tight, but I could make it happen.

 

[Zephyr]

Thanks. So, you really think they'd take me away from her b/c I live in a one-bedroom? There are people here who cram 4 kids into one and two bedrooms. I also have a letter XH wrote me a year ago, stating that the fact that we live in such a small place doesn't matter, that all that matters is how much I love my daughter and she loves me. So I would think he'd have a hard time now saying it's a problem.

Anyway, if that was all I needed to do, I could probably do it. It would be expensive, and things would be tight, but I could make it happen.

I was just meaning that right now, the living situation could be a valid arguement, get rid of the issue and what does he have? nothing other than he wants to...

 

[ackgirl]

Okay, thanks.

 

[trustknow1]

I lived in a one-two bedroom apt the first three post-divorce years.

What is a one-two bedroom apt, you ask?

It is a one bedroom apt. where the dad(me) frames a wall separating the living room and dining room. I framed a wall, included a regular door, only I made it 10" shorter than the ceiling height. Only used 2 anchors at each end, and 4 to attach it to floor. Lumber, drywall, door and paint cost was a bit over $100. Framed a loft bed with a fort underneath for daughter, and daughter and friends painted flowers, designs, etc all over the inside wall of her new "bedroom".

I moved the material in at night, framed the wall when people were at work. Three years later when I moved to a house; I tore it down and hauled it off at night. I patched 8 small holes from the anchors, and nobody ever knew it happened.

and they all lived happily ever after**************the end....lol

 

[LdiJ]

I lived in a one-two bedroom apt the first three post-divorce years.

What is a one-two bedroom apt, you ask?

It is a one bedroom apt. where the dad(me) frames a wall separating the living room and dining room. I framed a wall, included a regular door, only I made it 10" shorter than the ceiling height. Only used 2 anchors at each end, and 4 to attach it to floor. Lumber, drywall, door and paint cost was a bit over $100. Framed a loft bed with a fort underneath for daughter, and daughter and friends painted flowers, designs, etc all over the inside wall of her new "bedroom".

I moved the material in at night, framed the wall when people were at work. Three years later when I moved to a house; I tore it down and hauled it off at night. I patched 8 small holes from the anchors, and nobody ever knew it happened.

and they all lived happily ever after**************the end....lol

I applaud your ingenuity....however that would only work in an apartment complex where the landord didn't enter frequently for maintenance purposes. Back in the days when I lived in apartments, that was at least three or four times a year to change furnace filters, if nothing else.

 

[haiku]

I have said it once and I will say it again, massachusetts does not like children being moved from thier jurisdiction.

the big questions are, is you child in a stable and loving home, when she is with you? Does she have a good school record? etc...?

if 'poverty' (not saying you are, but that would be the card your ex would pull, with the one bedroom angle) were a detterent to custody, there would be a lot of kids in orphanages in mass.

Unless your living arrangments changed, obviuosly one bedroom was not an issue to the ex or the court when you came to a joint custody agreement.

really the ball is in HIS court, to prove that taking a child a '1000' miles away from her mother, and from the state, is better than sharing a room with her mother.

I would suggest a consult with a lawyer at least, but keeping one would be even better, because truly it is not a good plan to navigate the courts of Ma. without one.

 

[ackgirl]

Thanks, all. I contacted a lawyer on Friday, and am waiting to hear back.

Yes, she does have a stable and loving home environment when she's here. My XH may try to prove differently, but he's got no proof, unless he's manufacturing it.

 

[LdiJ]

Thanks, all. I contacted a lawyer on Friday, and am waiting to hear back.

Yes, she does have a stable and loving home environment when she's here. My XH may try to prove differently, but he's got no proof, unless he's manufacturing it.

I do still agree though with the advice that you previously received....change the living situation or at least have a cast in concrete timeline for doing so (like the end of your current lease). Its best to remove every possible objection.

 

[ackgirl]

I have decided to look into a new place after the new year. I own my current home (it's a "condo", but actually a small apartment), and would have to sell it before I can rent something else. I can't afford to buy anything else here now. I'm currently looking for a buyer for this place.