No contact with my 2 teenagers

[WillingToFight]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Oregon

Ex and I reached agreement two weeks ago in a settlement conference. We settled on custody, child support and a new parenting time schedule. Ex's attorney had drafted the order prior to my arrival. There were some typos (things like them using my old married name, rather than my new married name and also, a little detail about who will cover the children's health and dental insurance). I marked the corrections, which everyone was ok with.

My kids were not present but their attorney was. I sat and talked with her for a few minutes to let her know how visits had been going since they resumed (I hadn't had regular visitation from April through the first part of September). I told her that I thought visits had been going really well. She said the kids agreed for the most part but my daughter had some petty complaints. Nothing major and it was seen more of an over-sensitive teenage girl making something from nothing than anything to raise concern.

My attorney was trying to rally for my cause and get me geared up to begin the new visitation schedule - starting that weekend. Didn't happen... kids didn't feel like coming over. So we tried the mid-week dinner visit. Son came but daughter didn't. Next weekend came and went and kids both blew off the visitation. My daughter and I exchanged words over the phone on Sunday after she told me that they don't have to come visit me if they don't want to.

The following Monday, my kids made contact with their attorney and my daughter expressed that she does not wish to have any interaction with me for an indefinite period of time. My attorney advised me to turn off their cell phones (it's been an object of argument with my son running up overages and the kids in general not contacting me with their phones anyway.) As much as I hated doing it - I suspended their accounts after notifying them via text that their phones would be suspended. Their dad has 30 days to transfer them to his account.

Two days after the phones were suspended, ex emailed me and instructed me to cancel all family counseling. "The kids do not need nor do they wish to attend counseling with you." Well... it's in the temporary order that the children attend family counseling and he is to bring them to the appointments (which he's never done.) Later, ex sent another message, asking if I'd keep the phones on my plan in trade for a $20 discount on child support.

I guess he didn't get it: it's not about the money. It's about the kids not contacting me with their phones. Why should I provide phones if the kids don't respect the privilege of having them? (I am not trying to be snotty - but this was how my attorney presented it to the ex's attorney and kids' attorney.)

Now, the agreement we came to at settlement conference is off the table and we have to start over. The current order is a temporary order the judge called out in August. My kids are not speaking to me at all and can't contact me even if they wanted to.

My ex refuses to keep me informed of medical care for my children and I had to go through my attorney to get him to follow up on getting my daughter's final vaccination that she's 2/3 of the way through completing. In general, he does not respond to any of my email/text communications when I either provide or request information regarding the children.

I know that teenagers can be and often are stubborn and insensitive about their parents' feelings but it seems that this behavior is being fostered by their father. He has not been following the order so they are learning that this is an option (it's not... but that's their perception.)

I've tried to be cooperative every step of the way here. I've probably been TOO cooperative, which has just made me the fool. However, at this point - I just want to finalize the order and stop the pain for everyone. If the kids want to live at their dad's - let them... and let them do it without scheduled visitation with me. What worries me is that they're being self-centered right now and they are in for BIG changes at their dad's in the next few months (he's losing the house, has no job, etc.)

Is this strategy of suspending their phones really the best thing to do right now?

How is a judge likely going to view this if we have to go to hearing to settle?

 

[Ohiogal]

If you are not ordered to pay for the phones then you have a right to suspend them. You need to take dad to court on contempt.

 

[WillingToFight]

If you are not ordered to pay for the phones then you have a right to suspend them. You need to take dad to court on contempt.

Thanks OG. I'm going to have to sit on the phones and the contempt charges until we finalize (and the judge signs) the next order.

Kids were making up their own rules after settlement and pulled the plug before the order was signed.

If I walk very softly... I won't crack anymore eggshells between now and 2/11

 

[wileybunch]

Thanks OG. I'm going to have to sit on the phones and the contempt charges until we finalize (and the judge signs) the next order.

Kids were making up their own rules after settlement and pulled the plug before the order was signed.

If I walk very softly... I won't crack anymore eggshells between now and 2/11

ITA with Ohiogal and this having to walk on eggshells with CHILDREN is utter and total BS, but their Dad is reveling in it and aiding and abetting so it won't get better until you get more time with your children, constant and ongoing.

I cannot standing the pee-ing contests parents do to their children. And then sit back and ENJOY the kids are being mouth, disrespectful, etc. with the other parent. I wish there was a button to push to cause a high voltage to run through the other parent every time they pull those things.

 

[WillingToFight]

ITA with Ohiogal and this having to walk on eggshells with CHILDREN is utter and total BS, but their Dad is reveling in it and aiding and abetting so it won't get better until you get more time with your children, constant and ongoing.

I cannot standing the pee-ing contests parents do to their children. And then sit back and ENJOY the kids are being mouth, disrespectful, etc. with the other parent. I wish there was a button to push to cause a high voltage to run through the other parent every time they pull those things.

I'm sure dad is reveling in this and the alienation has reached such severity that now, he can start saying that there's nothing he can do to change the kids' minds.

I walk on eggshells because the kids have a court appointed attorney who has a sympathetic ear. She is not a GAL and not a Best Interests Attorney but she has taken to "mothering" my kids. At $275 an hour, I'd rather have the kids talk with a REAL psychologist that's on my insurance plan. Until there's a final order, I'm afraid to file contempt charges on the temporary order. It just gives cause to drag this out even longer than it has gone on already.