OT - Am I overreacting?

[WittyUserName]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Idaho

Just to catch up - Dad moved to another state and has been absent for our 6 yo's entire life. He recently had a change of heart and wants to be more involved. So we are trying to work out a parenting plan, although there have been some bumps along the way. Currently she is on her first interstate visit to Dad's (in CA) and this came up.

Dad has a live-in girlfriend w/ a child about kiddo's age. When they got to CA, Dad told Kiddo it was okay for her (Kiddo) to call his GF Mom. He explained that she was a Stepmom, and since she had a new Stepsister it was okay.

I am a bit taken aback by this, as I would have preferred that not happen. Call her Stepmom, (they're not married but whatever. Close enough) or her name if that's what she prefers - hell, find a way to refer to her somehow. But to have her call this woman that she's known 48 hours Mom is troubling.

Also, Kiddo's gotten lots of gifts and fun stuff and so of course she's asked Dad if she can come live with him and "Mom" all the time. He tells her that the plan for now is to have her go home but gee, wouldn't that be fun someday? Again, I'd have preferred that was handled better - that decision is not up to her now, or in the future. She's a kid. The big people make those decisions.

Am I overreacting on the Mom thing? If I'm going to pick a hill on which to do battle I want to be sure it's solid.

Thanks. I appreciate the insight, even if I end up not liking it.

 

[TinkerBelleLuvr]

You have a right to feel territorial about the name "mom". Just like he is "dad." I would say something NOW if you have a problem with it.

 

[wileybunch]

There are several reasons it's wrong. Legally, she isn't Mom and she should not be referred to that way. They aren't even married. How much are you on speaking terms w/your ex? Do you know for a fact ex told DD this or are you getting story from DD? Approach ex to get straight story and if true guide him to other appropriate terms. He may not want her calling an adult by their first name, but you all can get creative and think of other ways for the child to address the adult (other than Mom).

 

[penelope10]

There are several reasons it's wrong. Legally, she isn't Mom and she should not be referred to that way. They aren't even married. How much are you on speaking terms w/your ex? Do you know for a fact ex told DD this or are you getting story from DD? Approach ex to get straight story and if true guide him to other appropriate terms. He may not want her calling an adult by their first name, but you all can get creative and think of other ways for the child to address the adult (other than Mom).

Lil Bit calls her step by her first name, but that's what Dad and Step want her to do. My adult friends she calls by MS first name or Mr first name. Other adults that aren't close she calls by Mr or Mrs last name.

I don't think you're overreacting. I'd probably stroke out if Lil Bit called SM Mom, probably more so if she was simply a girlfriend.

 

[WittyUserName]

Hmm. Okay.

I sent him an email today asking him to call me. I wanted to have that conversation when Kiddo's not around; have a feeling if I called him at home he'd be talking in front of SM and Kiddo and I just don't think that's appropriate either.

Thanks for the feedback. I am still approaching this as "find out for sure what's going on" and not knee-jerking into anything.

 

[penelope10]

I sent him an email today asking him to call me. I wanted to have that conversation when Kiddo's not around; have a feeling if I called him at home he'd be talking in front of SM and Kiddo and I just don't think that's appropriate either.

Thanks for the feedback. I am still approaching this as "find out for sure what's going on" and not knee-jerking into anything.

Sounds like a great idea. Even with an older child somethimes things are "lost in translation" between Dad's house and mine.

 

[Isis1]

underreacting i think, but hey, that's just me.

i never had a "stepmom" problem. my interferring 3rd party was the paternal grandmother. she told the younger son to call me by my first name and her "mom". i heard this over the phone. they tell him, "bella is on the phone" son answers phone, immediately announces, "that's not bella, it's mom". she was parading herself around as mom with schools and doctors. everyone i talked to was confused because they thought mom was a 50 year old woman.

my two older children are NOT permitted to call my husband "dad". when my oldest asked, i asked him how would he think his dad felt about that. i let him know that it might bug me a bit if he called someone else his mom, so it might not be fair.

and in your case?? a girlfriend no less.