Parent/Child telephone conversations

[MBMom]

What is the name of your state? Oklahoma

I've been reading posts on this site for several months and know there are a lot of responsible good parents who have great advice to offer when it comes to the kids.

This isn't necessarily a legal question, but it could be an issue brought up in our trial next month. My 5 yr old is currently with me in California until our trial next month when the school year/summer-holiday parent will be determined. My son is close to both my ex and I. I've never spoken badly about my ex to or in front of my son, and as far as I know my ex does not either. Since my son has been with me here in California (almost 2 months), he has spoken with his dad just about every day. There have been a couple times that they've skipped a day of talking. At first my son enjoyed talking to him and every once asked if he could get off at a certain point. Most of the time he throws a fit when I say it's time to call dad, but knowing my son, it's only because he doesn't want to stop whatever he was doing to talk on the phone. More recently it's gotten to the point where my son asks for about 10 minutes, "Can I go now?....I don't want to talk anymore....Can we talk tomorrow?" If he mentions something about watching something or playing, I get on to him and remind him that his daddy called to talk to him because he misses him and hope to encourage a better attitude. No matter what, though, he just doesn't want to sit on the phone and talk. It happens with others also (my mom, whom he's close to), but he doesn't talk to them as much as he talks to his dad. My son never did that with me when I spoke to him while he was with his dad. Of course, I didn't call EVERY day but about every other day and sometimes every couple days. I could tell when my son would get a little anxious to get off, so I'd tell him to go have fun, that I had fun talking to him and that I would talk to him later. I think I picked up on his mood pretty good and of course, didn't want to MAKE him stay on the phone if he obviously didn't want to talk.

Yesterday was pretty bad because I heard my son talking pretty loudly in his bedroom saying, "...because I don't want to talk on the phone all of the time!..." (My son now has a tendency to hide from me when he's telling his dad he doesn't want to talk because he knows I get upset with him.)

I asked my son yesterday why he said those things and didn't want to talk to his dad, he said, "He asks too many questions", which of course, is something I could already tell since the main portion of my son's phone calls with his dad are "...yes...no...uh hmm....yes....yes...no..."

Any time I've tried to approach my ex in the past has now backfired in my face through this custody battle. He miscontrues everything I say and turns it in to something it's not. I did get advice from someone saying to write my ex a letter explaining my issues with the phone calls, which is a great idea. However, does anyone have any advice for how I deal with my son. I don't enjoy making him call when he's jumping up and down saying, "NO!...PLEASE! I don't want to talk right now!" But I know he needs to talk, or else my ex will try to accuse me of trying to interfere with their relationship, which is something I've never done.

Has anyone out there experienced something similar, and besides dealing with the ex, how did you attempt to make it a little easier on the children?

 

[tigger22472]

I know someone who's son father did the same thing after their custody was decided. He would call every day and talk to his son but the conversation consisted of interrogating the child about the other parent. Mom limited the calls to no more then every other day and dad was upset. When it was addressed at court the father was told that every other day was more then reasonable and that if ordered he would only order 2 days a week.

I don't know if your ex is interrogating your son but I can understand your son's frustration. He's 5 and he's right, he doesn't want to be on the phone al the time. I would be different if dad called him every night close to bed time to wish him good night and see how his day went. Are you sure that dad isn't doing this just to get YOUR goat since you're in a custody battle? This is definately something I would have address in the final order when it comes through especially if you retain custody.

 

[MBMom]

I don't think this is something my ex would normally do (call every day), but I know in his head he thinks this is helping his case by calling each and every day. Not only that, but I think he's attempting to gather more information that might help his case through my son. I do not want to have to tell him (at this point anyway) that he can't call every day, because the last time I tried to arrange times that were better for my son, his attorney sent my attorney a letter saying that I told him that my son was just flat out unavailable. BS!

This is definitely something I'll want addressed in the trial (how phone calls should work), but until then (another month and a half), I don't know how to handle it with my son. It's not the best part of his day. He does get excited to talk to his dad, but somewhere during the conversation he just does NOT want to talk anymore, and I can tell that questions are being asked (I've even heard through speakerphone before). I don't know why a little light doesn't come on for my ex that makes him realize what he's doing. I seriously don't think it even occurs to him that he might be doing anything wrong or contributing to why his son doesn't want to talk. The sad thing is, my son was asking for a whole day and a half if he could call his dad before yesterday's phone call. (One day his dad was flying and unavailable and in the evening it was too late - time difference.)

 

[tigger22472]

How long do the conversations usually last? Does he call sometime around the same time every day?

I do know what you're going through a bit. When my ex and I divorced he would just call on a whim and if the kids were outside playing or at grandma's or wherever and not available he would simply go off on me. I tried to set up certain times for him and told him that I would make sure they were home and available at those times. That was not acceptable. He literally told me those kids were to be available for him to talk to 24/7.

If it is really upsetting your son to talk to him everyday and talking to the ex isn't an option the only other thing I know to do is to avoid the calls some. I don't mean all of them obviously. It does sound as if the ex is doing it to make himself look better but if it's irritating your son that changes the story.

 

[snostar]

My son is 4, I tell him that it would make his Daddy very happy to hear his voice, and how good it feels to do things for others even when we really don't feel like it. When he wants to get off, he says, "Love you, miss you, bye." then hands the phone right to me - that way he isn't being dragged into confilct. If his father has something else to say, I just tell him our son is off doing something else already, but I will surely relay the message. I think everyday is too much for that age. Also, my ex called often when our case first started, but he now rarely calls.

 

[tcpmp]

I know of an instance where the phone conversations were actually addressed in the custody order, they went something like this. Phone conversation will be limited to two phone calls a week between the hours of 4:00pm and 8:00pm for a duration of no more than 15 minutes a call. I have personally picked up another phone on the line and listened in on the conversation. I then waited until my son left the room to discuss things with his mother. I have also recorded the conversations, after giving a warning first. This helps the other parent watch what they say and ask.

 

[Whyte Noise]

"because the last time I tried to arrange times that were better for my son, his attorney sent my attorney a letter saying that I told him that my son was just flat out unavailable. BS!"

"IF" you choose to go this route again... put it in writing. Send it to your ex CRRR. CC it to YOUR attorney and HIS attorney. Send those CRRR as well. That way, there's no "misunderstanding" about what is said to whom.

 

[MBMom]

Funny you mentioned that. We actually do avoid some calls, of course, not for no reason. Sometimes we'll be eating dinner or getting ready to walk out the door.

If it were up to my ex, the phone calls would last for an hour or more. They've been lasting nearly 20 to 30 minutes, with majority of the call being, "Can I go play now?" Every once in a while my calls with my son lasted that long (20 to 30 minutes), but not because of me. My son would go on and on about his toys or something and also talk to my husband, whom he's also close to. Sometimes he would just ask over and over again what each of us was doing (me, my husband, my son's brother). My husband would laugh at me because he could tell by my answers that my son was asking the same thing over and over again. But it was all for conversation and keeping in touch sake. As long as my son wanted to talk and repeat things, I'd let him. Same went for when he wanted to get off.

My ex does not require a specific time to speak with our son, luckily. He does call around the same time each day (during the week anyway). There is a two hour time difference. The strange thing is that he gets home from work around 4pm OK time (2pm CA time), but he waits to call until JUST before I get home from work - around 7:15pm OK time (5:15pm CA time). I get home around 5:30pm. I usually walk in the door while my son is on the phone with him.

I didn't think about this at first, but my husband got a little upset that my ex waits to call until that time (and not maybe a little earlier) since it takes away from when I get home and see the boys for the first time of the day. (It's usually an event for the boys when mom walks in...they like to tackle me together....strange, I know.) By no means, am I complaining about that, but it's just strange to me that he DOESN'T call sooner, and what makes him wait around till 7:30 to call?

 

[stealth2]

I have personally picked up another phone on the line and listened in on the conversation.

A judge would frown on this. Just as an FYI.

 

[MBMom]

MG - I AM going to do that. Any advice on the proper wording I should use?

 

[stealth2]

By no means, am I complaining about that, but it's just strange to me that he DOESN'T call sooner, and what makes him wait around till 7:30 to call?

Maybe he figures the boys are doing homework or out playing in the meantime, and when he calls they are more likely to be home and not in the middle of something.

 

[MBMom]

A judge would frown on this. Just as an FYI.

I don't want to do anything that would upset a Judge, and I definitely don't want to make my son feel like he can't just talk to his dad without me watching over him. If he gets up and leaves the room, I can usually hear him even though he thinks I can't, but I don't want to invade his privacy (since that's obviously why he walks out of the room).

 

[tcpmp]

Just wait until the other parent yells at your child and tell them they are bad and that they don't love them because of you. Thats why I started listening in on the phone conversations and recording them. I didn't listen in right in front of my child I went into the other room.

 

[caligirl73]

I personally would bring the telephone conversations up when you go to trial next month. If you say that the child is close to Dad now, and Dad calls every single day with out fail, and the child really doesnt seem like he is in the mood to talk, this may impact the childs feelings towards Dad in the future. Maybe the judge can put something in writing that limits Dad to call maybe once or twice a week??? Maybe the child wont be so upset and tired of talking then.
My court papers state "open telephonic access without third party interference". My ex (THANK GOD) only calls once or twice when our daughter is not with him. My ex asks so many questions as well. I dont listen in on conversations, my daughter tells me pretty much everything they talked about (she is 5 1/2). Not that I care nor do I ask to know, she is just very honest about stuff like that. My ex asks personal stuff that I dont feel he needs to know and she is good about telling him she doesnt know, which she may not know the answer.

 

[MBMom]

Maybe he figures the boys are doing homework or out playing in the meantime, and when he calls they are more likely to be home and not in the middle of something.

My son is 5 and he's on summer break from school right now, and my other son is 2. Plus, my ex knows the boys are home during the day and I've even told him he could call earlier if he wanted (hint, hint). He doesn't even offer a reason for WHY he waits till then. He also knows that we have dinner right when I get home and are more likely to go out to the park or something since my son likes to wait for me to go, too.

I understand if there were good reasons. Trust me, I've wracked my brain trying to tell myself he has logical reasons for all the things he does. But it never fails...each time I address things, he stutters his way through explanations with nothing really to offer.