ccmcdonald
Junior Member
What is the name of your state?What is the name of your state? California
My mother had a severe stroke approximately 2 1/2 months ago which has left her incapacitated. She has had several smaller strokes in the past that left her only slightly impaired.
Mother does not have a will.
She married my stepfather (Tom) 34 years ago. He has never really contributed to the household as he was (until 1 year ago) an alcoholic. He has now traded his alcohol for drugs, ("back pain") he takes oxicodin, other drugs and smokes pot. He was arrested a few years ago for growing pot in the back yard. He has always tried to come between our mother and her girls, so needless to say we have no respect for the man. Mother tried to leave him a couple of times, but he always seemed to worm his way back into her life. I think she was just afraid to be alone (he's 10 years younger) since he had driven all her girls off, and few liked to visit as he was so rude and verbally abusive to them.
Mother has always maintained outstanding credit and was very proud of that fact. When she married Tom, he had horrible credit, had his car repossed etc., so she maintained my father's last name and never had his name added to any of the household bills, credit cards etc. Even her driver's license still has my father's name on it. Mother never wanted to put Tom's name on the House (which she owned prior to their marriage and was completely paid for), but when they needed to do some renovations, and in order to obtain a redevelopment loan from a City program in 1998; the City required his name be added to the title. This concerned my mother, as we had many discussions about what she wanted done with her home (the only asset she has), and she wanted it to go to her 8 daughters, not to Tom's 3 children. About 4 years ago, Tom was complaining that they didn't have enough money to pay for mother's medications, so he was only giving them to her every other dosage. I set up an account that the sister's contributed to, and had all their household bills sent to my address so that I could ensure the bills were being paid, and they would have enough money to medicate her properly. Come to find out from Tom's son (Tommy), he was hitting his son up to buy his pot, $300 at a time. Tommy refused and has severed all ties with his father. He thought it was disgusting that his father was complaining about having to care for my mother; her daughters were paying her bills, and he was spending money on pot, guns, gun reloading equipment, amplifiers, keyboards etc. He felt his father should be speding the money on his wife's care since she supported him all those years, not on selfish items.
A little over a year ago, after one of Mother's smaller strokes, Tom had a financial power of attorney drawn up (listing me as second). He did not tell us about it until her last stroke. When I asked Mother why she gave him the financial POA, she said she thought it was for medical. I have come to learn that he has run up her credit cards (above items) approximatley $30,000,he said he was "pulling off the financial coup of the centrury" and then tried to file for bankruptcy, but was told the house was worth too much, so he filed for chapter 11??
When mother had her last stroke, he did not call any of us. I only found out when I tried to call her and got no answer for several hours. I had a sister who lives close; go by the house, as it turned out she had a stroke the day before and was in the hospital. Tom tried to have all medical intervention stopped just days after her having the stroke. The doctors had to tell him "it didn't work that way, that mother would have to be declared brain dead, and that it was much too soon to make a decision like that, that she had a chance of recovery for up to about a year" He would walk into the hospital room say "she's not in there" and turn around and walk out. He didn't spend enough time with her to make even a cursory assessment. At any rate, mother has recovered to a point where she is in a nursing home, is somewhat aware of what is going on around her, can respond to very, very simple questions with shakes and nods of her head, but cannot eat, speak or move the right side of her body. We wanted mother to be moved from the s*h*i*t hole she was in to a world renound rehab facility, but Tom refused because it was too far for him to travel (for his sporatic 5-10 minute visits), a 15-20 minutes drive. And, he has threatenened to have some of the girls barred from seeing mother ("because they are giving me s*h*i*t") because they opposed many of his decision or inactions. He failed to give the hospital a list of mother's medications, which was a contributing factor to her having another stroke while in the hospital, and admitted to giving her his own medication so that "he could go to the store" or "make her easier to handle". Clearly Tom has not been acting in Mother's best interest, so two of us girls have sought and been awarded an emergency medical conservatorship, which was recommended by the care-home social worker, she said Tom is unpredictable, and isn't acting like the typical spouse; we go to court for the permanent at the end of July. Tom at first said he would not contest the conservatorship, and didn't even show up for the first court date, but lately he has been making statements that lead us to believe he will contest the permanent financial/medical conservatorship. We think he has seen an attorney, who has advised him to act like the doting husband, because suddenly he is showing up at the nursing home almost daily, and spending more than his typical 5-10 minutes. One of my sisters stays with her all day long for two weeks at a time, I go down to give her a break for 4-5 days every other week (I have to work, but my schedule has been modified so that I can have 4 days every other week), so that someone is with her all day every day. We have moved her to much nicer nursing home (10-15 minutes away) and are waiting for a bed at the rehab facility so that they can work with her swallowing in hopes of getting her off the feeding tube. She is making small strides every day, and we hope to bring her home (not with Tom) some day.
In a long and drawn out way, (my apologies) I am seeking answers to the following questions.
1. In your experience, will a judge deny or conservatorship given his history and actions/inactions if he suddenly should decided to contest it?
2. Is my mother responsible for the items Tom purchased with her credit cards? They clearly were for himself, and contributed nothing to her or the household.
3. What do we need to show the judge, and what kind of evidence do we need, to fight his contesting?
4. Can we ensure our Mother's wishes are followed where her home is concerned. She wants Tom to live in the house till he dies, and we want to follow her wishes.
5. If we can get control of the house, how do we do it, let him live there and ensure the home goes to her 8 girls?
6. Is his POA null now that we have emergency conservatorsip? If so, can we demand an accounting of her credit cards and finances?
7. Can Tom put the house up for sale, while we are going through the conservatorship process? If so, would she at least get half? Is there anything we should be doing to prevent him from further damaging her credit or selling the house out from under her?
Thank you in advance for you time.
~Celia
My mother had a severe stroke approximately 2 1/2 months ago which has left her incapacitated. She has had several smaller strokes in the past that left her only slightly impaired.
Mother does not have a will.
She married my stepfather (Tom) 34 years ago. He has never really contributed to the household as he was (until 1 year ago) an alcoholic. He has now traded his alcohol for drugs, ("back pain") he takes oxicodin, other drugs and smokes pot. He was arrested a few years ago for growing pot in the back yard. He has always tried to come between our mother and her girls, so needless to say we have no respect for the man. Mother tried to leave him a couple of times, but he always seemed to worm his way back into her life. I think she was just afraid to be alone (he's 10 years younger) since he had driven all her girls off, and few liked to visit as he was so rude and verbally abusive to them.
Mother has always maintained outstanding credit and was very proud of that fact. When she married Tom, he had horrible credit, had his car repossed etc., so she maintained my father's last name and never had his name added to any of the household bills, credit cards etc. Even her driver's license still has my father's name on it. Mother never wanted to put Tom's name on the House (which she owned prior to their marriage and was completely paid for), but when they needed to do some renovations, and in order to obtain a redevelopment loan from a City program in 1998; the City required his name be added to the title. This concerned my mother, as we had many discussions about what she wanted done with her home (the only asset she has), and she wanted it to go to her 8 daughters, not to Tom's 3 children. About 4 years ago, Tom was complaining that they didn't have enough money to pay for mother's medications, so he was only giving them to her every other dosage. I set up an account that the sister's contributed to, and had all their household bills sent to my address so that I could ensure the bills were being paid, and they would have enough money to medicate her properly. Come to find out from Tom's son (Tommy), he was hitting his son up to buy his pot, $300 at a time. Tommy refused and has severed all ties with his father. He thought it was disgusting that his father was complaining about having to care for my mother; her daughters were paying her bills, and he was spending money on pot, guns, gun reloading equipment, amplifiers, keyboards etc. He felt his father should be speding the money on his wife's care since she supported him all those years, not on selfish items.
A little over a year ago, after one of Mother's smaller strokes, Tom had a financial power of attorney drawn up (listing me as second). He did not tell us about it until her last stroke. When I asked Mother why she gave him the financial POA, she said she thought it was for medical. I have come to learn that he has run up her credit cards (above items) approximatley $30,000,he said he was "pulling off the financial coup of the centrury" and then tried to file for bankruptcy, but was told the house was worth too much, so he filed for chapter 11??
When mother had her last stroke, he did not call any of us. I only found out when I tried to call her and got no answer for several hours. I had a sister who lives close; go by the house, as it turned out she had a stroke the day before and was in the hospital. Tom tried to have all medical intervention stopped just days after her having the stroke. The doctors had to tell him "it didn't work that way, that mother would have to be declared brain dead, and that it was much too soon to make a decision like that, that she had a chance of recovery for up to about a year" He would walk into the hospital room say "she's not in there" and turn around and walk out. He didn't spend enough time with her to make even a cursory assessment. At any rate, mother has recovered to a point where she is in a nursing home, is somewhat aware of what is going on around her, can respond to very, very simple questions with shakes and nods of her head, but cannot eat, speak or move the right side of her body. We wanted mother to be moved from the s*h*i*t hole she was in to a world renound rehab facility, but Tom refused because it was too far for him to travel (for his sporatic 5-10 minute visits), a 15-20 minutes drive. And, he has threatenened to have some of the girls barred from seeing mother ("because they are giving me s*h*i*t") because they opposed many of his decision or inactions. He failed to give the hospital a list of mother's medications, which was a contributing factor to her having another stroke while in the hospital, and admitted to giving her his own medication so that "he could go to the store" or "make her easier to handle". Clearly Tom has not been acting in Mother's best interest, so two of us girls have sought and been awarded an emergency medical conservatorship, which was recommended by the care-home social worker, she said Tom is unpredictable, and isn't acting like the typical spouse; we go to court for the permanent at the end of July. Tom at first said he would not contest the conservatorship, and didn't even show up for the first court date, but lately he has been making statements that lead us to believe he will contest the permanent financial/medical conservatorship. We think he has seen an attorney, who has advised him to act like the doting husband, because suddenly he is showing up at the nursing home almost daily, and spending more than his typical 5-10 minutes. One of my sisters stays with her all day long for two weeks at a time, I go down to give her a break for 4-5 days every other week (I have to work, but my schedule has been modified so that I can have 4 days every other week), so that someone is with her all day every day. We have moved her to much nicer nursing home (10-15 minutes away) and are waiting for a bed at the rehab facility so that they can work with her swallowing in hopes of getting her off the feeding tube. She is making small strides every day, and we hope to bring her home (not with Tom) some day.
In a long and drawn out way, (my apologies) I am seeking answers to the following questions.
1. In your experience, will a judge deny or conservatorship given his history and actions/inactions if he suddenly should decided to contest it?
2. Is my mother responsible for the items Tom purchased with her credit cards? They clearly were for himself, and contributed nothing to her or the household.
3. What do we need to show the judge, and what kind of evidence do we need, to fight his contesting?
4. Can we ensure our Mother's wishes are followed where her home is concerned. She wants Tom to live in the house till he dies, and we want to follow her wishes.
5. If we can get control of the house, how do we do it, let him live there and ensure the home goes to her 8 girls?
6. Is his POA null now that we have emergency conservatorsip? If so, can we demand an accounting of her credit cards and finances?
7. Can Tom put the house up for sale, while we are going through the conservatorship process? If so, would she at least get half? Is there anything we should be doing to prevent him from further damaging her credit or selling the house out from under her?
Thank you in advance for you time.
~Celia