Pros/Cons of Sole vs. Joint Custody

[Brookenstein]

What is the name of your state? will file in OR

I'm just curious what the pros/cons are for both parents involved of choosing sole custody over joint custody.

I've been reading over the Basic Parenting Plan Packet for OR and in section 3.2 you can choose between joint custody and sole custody. However, if you choose sole custody there is an option to consult with the other parent prior to making major decisions or have the option to consult with the other parent prior to making major decisions. I'm confused then what the real difference would be between joint and sole custody with consultation.

In OR unless there is a court order stating otherwise, both parents would have rights to school records, government or law enforcement records, consult with anyone who provides care or treatment, and notify the other parent in an emergency.

I will have physical custody of the children in OR, dad will reside in SoCal. We have a visitation plan worked out that is suitable to both of us. Currently and in the past, I have made all decisions regarding the schooling and medical needs of the children. I discuss with Dad, and ask for input (which he rarely has) and then make the best decision possible. I honestly don't see any of that changing once the separation occurs.

I guess I'm looking for what the other ramifications are or could be in the future for choosing joint vs sole custody.

Thanks for the help!

 

[bulldogg70]

Hey it sounds like you all are going down a great path with little conflict. I would suggest that you have joint custody because it would not be much different than what things are now and the father can have the comfort of presenting himself as an equal partner. However, as you know now it appears you will be the 'pants' in the family still.

 

[nextwife]

Father should at least get joint legal custody. Important issues should involve both parents.

 

[Brookenstein]

Would it be possible to have joint legal and include a phrase that if the parents could not agree upon a decision, that the parent with physical custody would have final say?

Is there really no benefit for me to have sole custody?

 

[bulldogg70]

Would it be possible to have joint legal and include a phrase that if the parents could not agree upon a decision, that the parent with physical custody would have final say?

Is there really no benefit for me to have sole custody?

Yes you can, but sometime the opposing attorney may question that.

 

[Brookenstein]

Neither of us are using an attorney at this time. We just want what is best for the kids and is a doable equitable plan. We are best of friends and I hope that continues. If you are wondering why we are getting a divorce then, you aren't the only one. I wish I knew.

 

[SMURFEELAW]

A friend of mine order states that they have joint and mother must consult with father but the final decision is to be made by the mother. Father may take the issue to mediation and it is mothers' burden to prove why the decision made was the most reasonable. For example in this case mom wanted kid to go to private school, mom already lived in best district in the state so dad opposed, mom said kid is going anyway and took dad to Court for half tuition when he wouldn't pay. Mediator said that mom had reasonable alternatives and that the private school was not necessary so the child may remain in private school but dad doesn't have to pay for any part of it. Glad you guys are friends you need to designate a final say in a sense and I can't imagine it being an issue as long as you two remain friends, best of luck to you.

 

[bulldogg70]

Neither of us are using an attorney at this time. We just want what is best for the kids and is a doable equitable plan. We are best of friends and I hope that continues. If you are wondering why we are getting a divorce then, you aren't the only one. I wish I knew.

If neither of you all can figure out why you are getting a divorce, and not attempting to get in your business, would it not be better to go to counseling. It would be great to hear a marriage survived hard time and became succesful. Oh well, at least (and it is speaking alot) you two are friends and working it out

 

[Brookenstein]

I wish I could get him to try anything... but he woke up one day and said that "we aren't in love anymore" and he thinks we should divorce. His next sentence was "you are still and hopefully always will be my best friend". I tried to explain that most married people don't feel "in love" all the time and its the friendship, trust, and respect for the other that matters. I honestly had no idea there were any problems in the marriage before he said this. He was just diagnosed with disthymia (long term depression) and feels that the only way for him to get better is to be alone.

It's a really sad situation because he will miss his children so much and end up more depressed, but there is no way for me to be able to stay in SoCal on my own. I've tried to convince him to give it 6mo and see if we can work on 'us' as well as get his disthymia treated, but he is convinced that divorce is the answer. And he's stuborn and wouldn't want to admit he was wrong. I'm hoping he will eventually ask for a transfer back to OR and he will be able to have constant contact with the children.

At this point I'm done trying to convince him to work things out and I am focussing on the kids and upcoming move. Oh and for the record, there isn't another woman and he swears he's not gay. (Those are most people's automatic conclusion.)

 

[nextwife]

Have you and he done any counseling? Also, is there a history of clinical depression in hius family? If he is suffering chemical imbalances that can create a clinical depression, he may be interpreting how off he feels, instead of seeking the medical help he may need.

 

[Brookenstein]

He saw a therapist 3 times around the time he asked for the divorce. I asked to do marriage counseling and he refused. I asked if we could go not on the premise to save the marriage, but to help me accept it ending and get closure. He refused. He saw a psychiatrist 2 weeks ago and was put on prozac. The dr didn't really diagnose him, just offered the meds. So far its making him very edgy, agitated, and moody. The dr reccomended psychotherapy and so far he's refusing. I did get him to go to the gym once (both the dr and therapist reccomended exercise) in the last 2 weeks.

The kids and I leave next week for 2.5 week vacation. I'm hoping maybe the meds will kick in by then and he will realize that he misses us and doesn't want us to leave. If that doesn't happen I think the opposite will... he will cement the idea that he is better off with us gone. Right now we are scheduled to move on Dec. 27th.

 

[Brookenstein]

I forgot to answer your family history question. No one else has been diagnosed or treated for disthymia or depression that I'm aware of. However, that is not to say it's not there. His sister was recently diagnosed with post traumatic stress dissorder.