Question about CPS process...

[stepmom&mom]

What is the name of your state? Oklahoma

I will attempt to make this summary as brief as possible...

In Februrary, my stepdaughter's mother met a guy and moved in with him in April. She has custody of two children, the younger of which is my dh's daughter. The older child belongs to another father. As of today, mom and boyfriend still live together, but have not yet married. There have been a couple of things that have happened that have caused my dh concern:

1. Since being in the picture, mom's boyfriend has been with mom to every single drop off/pickup.

2. We have heard him yelling at mom from the car inside our house.

3. One time, when mom and boyfriend came to pick up my stepdaughter, my dh was not there. My parents were with me and boyfriend caused a scene, yelled at my stepdaughter and told her she looked like a boy. This was after my dh took my stepdaughter to get a haircut and mom was really angry about it. Boyfriend threatened my mom, but that was before he realized that my dad was also there.

4. My stepdaughter told my dh that mom's boyfriend hates her dad and wants to "f-ing kill him."

5. About 3 months ago, my stepdaughter told me that her mom's boyfriend puts her in the corner and spanks her often. I told my dh about it and he talked with her. She also told my dh that they constantly fight over who will go to the bar and who will stay home with the kids.

6. Starting about 2 months ago, we started seeing changes in my stepdaughter that we just couldn't quite put our finger on. She was very clingy and easily upset. For example, if she accidentally spilled something, she would burst into tears. When we asked her what was wrong, she said she thought she was in trouble. We reassured her that she wasn't in trouble, but she seemed visibly shaken.

7. Last month, on my way to return stepdaughter at drop off to meet her mother, she burst into tears, but wouldn't tell me what was wrong. She just said she was sad.

8. Last week, when I picked up stepdaughter, my dh was out of town on a camping trip with my son. We told mom this, but she said she wanted me to pick up my stepdaughter anyways, because they had plans. She said that my stepdaughters brother would be at his dads house. When I picked her up, her brother was with mom. I asked her if her brother was going to her dads and she said no.

9. During this particular pick up, mom advised me that my stepdaughter had an "accident" in the car and she had to have her sister-in-law bring her a change of clothes. I didn't really say anything about it because I didn't want to make a big deal about it. I told my dh about it later on the phone and he told me to ask her about what happened. This is what she said:

On their way to meet me, she told her mom she really had to go to the restroom. Mom said they would be their shortly and then she could go. After awhile, she could not hold it any longer and had the accident. When she told her mom, boyfriend got really angry and started yelling, "you better not have had an accident!" Mom attempted to calm him down. When they arrived, boyfriend told her that because she had an accident, he would not be buying her a toy and bought one for just her brother.

10. Later during the weekend, my dh talked to my stepdaughter and uncovered the following:

Boyfriend has continued to spank my stepdaughter. Additionally, when he asked if boyfriend has ever touched her anywhere else, she told him that he slapped her in the face when she got in trouble a few weeks ago. He asked her where her mom was when this happened and she said "at the bar."

Once again, right before it was time for my stepdaughter to return home, while we were at lunch with my parents and some friends, she broke down into tears but wouldn't tell us what was wrong. After talking with my dh, he found out that she was really worried because mom had told her "not to tell them anything about our lives or D (boyfriend)" because it is none of our business...



My dh made the decision to file a report with CPS. They said he has a valid concern and will investigate. He is supposed to hear something by the end of the week. My questions are the following:

1. Is it possible for abuse to be determined even if there are no bruises on my stepdaughter?

2. How will CPS make that determination?

3. Are they going to notify the mother of the investigation, even if there is cause to believe that my stepdaughter will get in trouble?

4. Is there anything else my dh should do? Should, or can he even, file a vpo against this boyfriend? He is the main concern in all of this. We have no reason to believe that mom was ever physically abusive


I wish I could describe the recent changes in my stepdaughter. Every seems to notice it around us. Something is very wrong, we are just not sure to what extent.

Thanks for any information.What is the name of your state?

 

[CJane]

My questions are the following:

1. Is it possible for abuse to be determined even if there are no bruises on my stepdaughter?

Yes. How old is your SD?

2. How will CPS make that determination?

CPS will interview everyone in the household individually. Both children, both adults. It's possible that CPS will interview teachers as well... anyone else who has frequent contact with the children. In my case, CPS also spoke with the GAL.

3. Are they going to notify the mother of the investigation, even if there is cause to believe that my stepdaughter will get in trouble?

They have to. However, they will not reveal who made the report. It could just as easily have been a neighbor, someone at the gas station, a teacher, doctor, etc.

4. Is there anything else my dh should do? Should, or can he even, file a vpo against this boyfriend? He is the main concern in all of this. We have no reason to believe that mom was ever physically abusive

What's the custody situation? Does dad have joint legal?

 

[stepmom&mom]

My sd just turned 7. My dh has standard visitation. When the visitation schedule was ordered, mom was moving out of town, so joint custody would not have been possible. She moved 4 times in the last 2 years, but still lives about 2 hours from us. I am just not sure if my stepdaughter is breaking down due to the constant instability in her life or if there is something going on with this bf (we don't even want to think about the possibility of any kind of sexual abuse.) It all just happened so fast. The mom was pregnant last year and had a miscarriage. She was pregnant by this boyfriend this year and had a miscarriage again. My stepdaughter knew about both pregnancies. I think this is all just so distressing for my stepdaughter. We just wish her mom wouldn't have moved in so fast with a guy that she just met. I guess we just have to leave it in the hands of CPS and hope for the best...

 

[nana3]

Stepmom, I can sympathize with you and your situation with your sd. My sister has been divorce for two years and her ex remarried, and he and his wife has done all that you mentioned is done to your stepdaughter and more. My nephew has come back twice after visitation with his dad with marks on his body. WE have called CPS. WE did 4 reports out of the 7 done. The rest were by the children's counselors. Nothing has been done by CPS. The kid's behaviors has changed so much. My niece who is now 10, cries at the drop of a hat. My nephew, now 7, has excessive anger problems. They were not like this prior to the divorce. My niece and nephew are neglected by their dad and stepmom when they are visiting with them. They too go bar hopping and leave the children alone with their 15 yr old stepdaughter. This has been done for two years now when the 15 yr. old was 13. My niece and nephew have to make their own breakfast and lunch ( in the summer) when with dad. Since they do not know how to cook, they eat donuts or other junk food they can find. It is a horrible situation. CPS has been told all of this by the counselors and by the children. The dad and stepmom are great liars and are cops. I don't know if that is why CPS has done nothing. In this last report to them, my nephew had a huge belt mark across his bottom. They deny doing it, even though the stepmom who did it, did not deny it to my niece. They accused my sister of doing it and blaming them and telling the children to say it was them. The counselor went to court and told the judge that the children are being abused of mentally. The judge said he saw no need to involve a GAL for the kids. In the last visit to their dads, both kids came back upset. They told my sister that their dad told them that he would never be seeing them again for their mom is trying to take them away from him. He told my nephew and tell us all and CPS and the counselor that he doesn't remember how he got the belt mark. Things like this is what the children have been going through. Because my sister and her husband, who will not speak to her for he is so angry and hates her, don't get along, the judge and CPS said they would take the kids away from both of them.

I really hope that you have better luck in your state to protect your sd. Here in Florida, the child has be have a broken arm, be bleeding or almost in the hospital before anything is done. This is what all the case workers have told us. If your dh can, I would try to get primary custody of his dd. It is so hard to prove abuse that is mental without your sd seeing a psychologist and even then, like with my sister, that doesn't mean anything. I don't know if we have a bad judge, but one day these poor kids may get really hurt and it may be to late to help them. It is a sad situation. I feel helpless in helping my niece and nephew and my sister tries so hard to be strong for her kids. The kids tell us that their dad speaks so bad of their mother to them. He lies so much to them that they see it and are so disppointed in their dad. They have a hate-love relationship with their dad.

My prayers go out to you and your dh and I hope one day you two get full custody of your sd.